for secrets6/24/2009 c1 
17sunday night sky
i really like this - short, but striking. agree with the other reviewer about separating stanzas after inflamed. love the ending! nice work!
17sunday night skyi really like this - short, but striking. agree with the other reviewer about separating stanzas after inflamed. love the ending! nice work!
6/24/2009 c1 7Duckies
I really liked the repitition at the start, it gave the poem a great rhythm right away. The rhyming was really good, I liked the pattern of it. Simple yet effective - I absorbed your meaning easily through your choice of words.
A few nit-picks though: Capital letters at the start of each line would be nice, though I suppose you can keep it like that if it's the effect you're going for. Splitting up the poem into two stanzas (after 'a body inflamed') would also make this a bit easier on the eyes. At the end, you should only have three dots for the ellipsis.
Apart from those typographical/formatting suggestions, I really liked this poem - awesome work!
(I'm from the 'World Domination' forum - come join, the link is on my profile. Play games, talk about stories or just chat!)
7DuckiesI really liked the repitition at the start, it gave the poem a great rhythm right away. The rhyming was really good, I liked the pattern of it. Simple yet effective - I absorbed your meaning easily through your choice of words.
A few nit-picks though: Capital letters at the start of each line would be nice, though I suppose you can keep it like that if it's the effect you're going for. Splitting up the poem into two stanzas (after 'a body inflamed') would also make this a bit easier on the eyes. At the end, you should only have three dots for the ellipsis.
Apart from those typographical/formatting suggestions, I really liked this poem - awesome work!
(I'm from the 'World Domination' forum - come join, the link is on my profile. Play games, talk about stories or just chat!)