Just In
for Playing Games

4/26/2010 c7 6Shredforme
Hi! Well, you definitely CAN write; your grammar's good and there's shockingly few typos. It totally makes the story easy to read. :D

I think you should stick with this, especially now that something is starting to happen in the story. The reason you're not getting as much feedback as you'd like is probably that the story starts off a bit slow (like you said yourself) and it takes a while for it to get interesting. People tend to lose interest fast. I know I do.

There's definitely some potential in Ian's character. He's mysterious enough to be interesting. Also, I like that the date didn't go so well. They need some obstacles on their way! Maybe there could be another guy? That is of course asuming that Ian is the main love interest in the story...

Also, the bone marrow thing with her sister was slightly confusing.

Anyway. Keep going! Really. XO Laura
3/10/2010 c7 1xXliarliarXx
Great story! Update soon! :D BTW I love the song Monster by Lady GaGa too. ;)

Check out my supernatural/romance story When The Sun Goes Down.
11/17/2009 c2 L'Archange



I would get rid of the sound effect or say something like, "An irritating buzz tore me from the depths of sleep..." and then say...your first paragraph - or just start directly from there without anything:

"I slammed my hand down on the alarm clock, silencing it. (groggily) Lifting my head off of the pillow..."

I have the same habit of writing out "stage directions" without any real connection to the character. I've added "groggily" to show what I mean... I am so guilty of this too...it's really hard NOT to do this.

I think this sentence was cut...: "Those were typical remarks that I heard nearly every day. Yes, I had won the Young Achiever’s award in high school or the"

[these were the sorts of remarks I heard virtually everyday...]

And this sounds like something someone would say in conversation, but written down it sounds disjointed:

"It was later on when I was typing up a report that Laina, the gossipy secretary popped her head into my office."

It might sound better if you write: "Later, as I was typing up a report, Laina - the gossipy twit of a secretary - popped her head into my doorway, completely derailing my train of concentration..." or something like that.

:) hope that helps? :)
11/17/2009 c1 L'Archange
Okay...so I'm reviewing: It was interesting - the setup grabbed my attention...the only criticism I would have is the description about the friends. The reader is in suspense because of the bracelet, and the descriptions of the friends just adds to the suspense but it a negative way - that part made me impatient and I skimmed over it. Other than that, the writing and start has intrigued me enough to keep reading. What I hope to find out is: Why is it important for us to know that she's a lawyer and is it relevant to the story? And how nice is this mystery guy? My god, I want a guy with this much integrity that he would attempt to turn in a diamond bracelet. Not much of those types, are there? :) There ya go. Hope that helped.
8/23/2009 c6 10Koki Enwai
Hey, this is pretty good so far. It's definitely got potential. Nice work. :)

But you shouldn't beg for reviews. lol [I don't want to have to go on a hatus and force you to review]
8/22/2009 c4 throughfallingshadows
I think the word you were going for was "dependent" not "independent on guys" because independent means you dependent upon yourself and only yourself. So it doesn't make sense if you lay it out in a sentence like that. Just some pointers:)
7/8/2009 c2 12Miss Mysteries
Great story. Good characters so far and great style of writing.
6/30/2009 c1 6Stephaniiie-Jo
Wow. There is some very good description in this. It is an interesting first chapter. In a good way of course. I like the way that you didn't rush into it and I can't wait for more!

6/26/2009 c1 8JamieBell
Cute concept! The protagonist has a cool voice, but all the details about her friends were totally unnecessary. Only include details like height, etc when it's important for the plot of the story. Other than that, it was pretty good! :)
6/26/2009 c1 2Goddess of Sarcasm
i like it... u could do a rewrite and change it into a story.

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service