for Continuity12/23/2009 c1 Ernest Bloom
well, technically a fine piece, well-written. my problem with it
is its cloying sentimentality. no matter that he genuinely loved
his daughter, if the soldier is thinking of her before rushing
into battle, then it's no surprise that he's going to be blown
away. similarly, this little girl is unlikely to not cry at the
funeral, or to lean down to whisper into her dead father's ear in
a casket. and if she still holds these same impressions by the
time of her wedding day, then it seems doubtful to me that she has
really matured into an adult at all. much more fantasy here than
a more authentic form of reality-based fiction.
well, technically a fine piece, well-written. my problem with it
is its cloying sentimentality. no matter that he genuinely loved
his daughter, if the soldier is thinking of her before rushing
into battle, then it's no surprise that he's going to be blown
away. similarly, this little girl is unlikely to not cry at the
funeral, or to lean down to whisper into her dead father's ear in
a casket. and if she still holds these same impressions by the
time of her wedding day, then it seems doubtful to me that she has
really matured into an adult at all. much more fantasy here than
a more authentic form of reality-based fiction.
8/31/2009 c1 
1Angel-Leigh Jones
Hiya
i loved it, sadly the time for voting has passed but i would've voted for you.
I loved how it flowed from young to old and ending in the dress ballowing out :)
A great piece of writing. Well done. How did you go for the voting - who won?
Angel
1Angel-Leigh JonesHiya
i loved it, sadly the time for voting has passed but i would've voted for you.
I loved how it flowed from young to old and ending in the dress ballowing out :)
A great piece of writing. Well done. How did you go for the voting - who won?
Angel
7/14/2009 c1 26Mirabella
It nearly made me cry! It was so beautifully written, i loved it! I liked how you returned to a similar scene at the end. :) Well done!
26MirabellaIt nearly made me cry! It was so beautifully written, i loved it! I liked how you returned to a similar scene at the end. :) Well done!
7/11/2009 c1 7Duckies
This was truly beautiful. You had me with tears in my eyes during the second and third paragraphs.
I really liked the way you tied into the prompt, it was really clever; all the comparisons to sand were incredibly effective.
The repitition of 'I love you' worked perfectly, it kept a consistent theme throughout the story, ended each paragraph nicely and wasn't overly flowery. The writing was simple, straight to the point, and straight to the heart.
You addressed some pretty serious issues such as war during this piece as well, without making it sound too...lesson-esque, for lack of a better word.
My only criticism is that the transition between the scene and the 'I Love You' in the second last scene felt a little bit abrupt - I got the sense that he had only just seen her, and yet he was already thinking/saying 'I love you.' It just felt a bit odd to me..
Anyway, apart from that, I absolutely loved it!
Awesome work, and good luck for WCC :)
7DuckiesThis was truly beautiful. You had me with tears in my eyes during the second and third paragraphs.
I really liked the way you tied into the prompt, it was really clever; all the comparisons to sand were incredibly effective.
The repitition of 'I love you' worked perfectly, it kept a consistent theme throughout the story, ended each paragraph nicely and wasn't overly flowery. The writing was simple, straight to the point, and straight to the heart.
You addressed some pretty serious issues such as war during this piece as well, without making it sound too...lesson-esque, for lack of a better word.
My only criticism is that the transition between the scene and the 'I Love You' in the second last scene felt a little bit abrupt - I got the sense that he had only just seen her, and yet he was already thinking/saying 'I love you.' It just felt a bit odd to me..
Anyway, apart from that, I absolutely loved it!
Awesome work, and good luck for WCC :)
7/3/2009 c1 1k+Faithless Juliet
You draw parallel and conclusions throughout the sections; all referencing back to love, but I feel like they aren’t as cohesive as they could be. As is, they are just stepping stones, but there’s not much to bridge them together. I liked how you left the characters, for the most part, ambiguous. They love each other, and that’s a natural, organic, human condition that any reader can understand and appreciate. You don’t waste space with what color their eyes are, or what they had for lunch, you just stick to the meat of your idea. Keep up the good work.
Much love,
Juliet.
1k+Faithless JulietYou draw parallel and conclusions throughout the sections; all referencing back to love, but I feel like they aren’t as cohesive as they could be. As is, they are just stepping stones, but there’s not much to bridge them together. I liked how you left the characters, for the most part, ambiguous. They love each other, and that’s a natural, organic, human condition that any reader can understand and appreciate. You don’t waste space with what color their eyes are, or what they had for lunch, you just stick to the meat of your idea. Keep up the good work.
Much love,
Juliet.
7/3/2009 c1 Steph
Oh honey...I'm completely blown away right now, sitting here on the couch with tears in my eyes.
That was indescribably beautiful.
Oh honey...I'm completely blown away right now, sitting here on the couch with tears in my eyes.
That was indescribably beautiful.