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for The Dollmaker

3/6/2011 c3 6Pirate Bones
i was very happy to see an update, if you must know. :) this is an interesting story. i'm already eager to unravel what the fuck just happened. because, honestly, i'm pretty confused here. i'll be reading the next chapters! :D
3/1/2011 c3 3cam3llia
I liked the concept of the dolls for the plot. I think there's a bit too much excess detail, but maybe that's just a preference thing for me.
1/17/2011 c2 63RedactedNoLongerWriting
This seems really well written/edited. I didn't notice any spelling or grammar errors anywhere, which made it a nice, easy read. I'm always really terrible at keeping present tense consistent so I admire you for that, haha.

The dialogue is solid and more or less realistic but most of the things being said never really strayed from 'safe' territory. By that I mean that most of the dialogue read like 9/10 of the teen fiction I've read. It's not bad, per se, and heaven knows teens actually talk a lot like this, but I think you could make it more memorable by putting less emphasis on the 'normal' conversations (such as her talking to the teacher when she walked in late) and showcase some of the more plot-related stuff. I liked what Olivia said about Neo's 'voodoo shit' for that reason. It was memorable because it wasn't just about everyday stuff I could go to a mall and hear, it was firmly grounded in telling the story and showing what the other students think of him. The everyday stuff can usually be told effectively in narration.
1/16/2011 c3 5Whirlymerle
I like the way your characters talk, it’s very realistic. I can imagine Chevy and her mom having a southern twang when they talk. It makes them noticeably different from the Northwest folks. :)

I think you’ve woven an intriguing story with the doll making aspect, Neo’s disappearances and appearances, and Chevy trying to figure it all out. It’s engaging and fast paced, but not rushed, making it quite the charming story.

Well done!
1/15/2011 c1 13gigglebug
rule 10 review response, yay!

[[All is fine and dandy]] Ouch. I'm really biased against sentences like this, XD. This is pure telling, no showing at all. Elaborate! Explain how/why it's picture perfect, even if it's short.

[[(Or a lot.)]] Hmm, I'm not really sure how I feel about parentheses. In general, it's alright in 1st POV but it needs to be a case where the narrator has the common trait of interrupting themself to clarify some arbitrary detail. Here, I really don't think it's necessary in this point because it's not clarifying anything or deviating from the idea of the previous sentences. Plus, it's distracting and pulls the reader out of the flow of things.

[[s'pose]] Ooh, I don't really like this at all. The narration is really chill in the first place, which is fine, but I think the lax spelling isn't really necessary.

[[our tabby inside]] Your what?

[[a big pink Barbie suitcase (Silver's)]] It would really be more effective just to say 'Silver's big pink Barbie suitcase'.

[[Okay, I bet you know where this is going.]] I really like and the consecutive paragraph. Haha! It fits in with the rest of the narration, and it was aptly placed cos I really was wondering. XD

[["We'll be staying with my cousin Emma until we can get a place of our own. I know she's not really your aunt, but you're to call her Aunt Emma regardless, understand?"]] If this is actually being said, add a dialogue tag. If it's just being recalled, clarify that.

So I just remember that Silver is 13. Why would she still have a barbie luggage thing when she's 13? o_e

[[had, really, a week's notice, if that, of]] holy tons of commas. o_o

[[Our tabby, Tabitha]] That would've been nice to know when you mentioned it before.

[[will sleep in, probably,]] just, 'will probably sleep in my bag with me.'

[[Klahanie]] what is that?

[[(We are neighbors, after all.)]] parentheses not necessary, again.

interesting stuff you've got here, though. solid chapter. :)
1/15/2011 c1 4lookingwest
I liked the narrative voice of Chevy in this, she's a really great narrator and her discourse was intriguing because well, I don't know, her name, the background, and the way she says "Mama" and "Daddy" didn't lead me to the conclusion that she really wants to get into Oxford-but I liked that you twisted it that way and I think it added a lot of depth to her character, and for a first chapter, that's great.

I also enjoyed the dialogue, like I mentioned, I think you kept the discourse persistent and constant, and everyone seemed to stay within their element and character. And that ending intrigued me too-if this is the main love interest, I'm a little surprised you introduced him so early, but you've created a *lot* of intrigue about his character-dolls? Never heard that one, it makes me really want to continue to figure out more about him, and I'm assuming the plot will head in that direction, so though it's kind of predictable, I enjoyed the originality of his character so far.
1/13/2011 c3 2Hope M. Conaway
I like how you set this creepy story in Washington near Seattle. The beauty and mystery of the area really lend itself to the mood of your story. Your mastery of giving the reader just enough information without answering all the questions is very evident in this chapter.

I also like how you didn't make Chevy overly hostile towards her mother for leaving her dad. I think it makes it more realistic of a mature seventeen-year old: someone who is old enough to realize the reasons why mom left. I know this issue isn't dealt with explicitly in this chapter, but it is the reason why they are there, and if she was hostile, it would be something that would continue on through the beginning of the story. Great job!
1/13/2011 c3 62Oracle of Destiny
Although I don't like skipping chapters or anything like that, I must say I really thought this was an interesting chapter.

I'm beginning to like Chevy in this story because not only that she's an interesting and unique character, but I like the way that she interacts with different people - especially her mother. I can tell they have a close mother/daughter relationship because the mother really does care about Chevy, and I really love her personality overall.

I couldn't find any flaws in the chapter. However, there were two paragraphs that seemed slightly long to me. For example:

'I dump my bag on the floor of my new bedroom and shiver. It's freezing cold. Scowling, I look out and notice the window is wide open. "Stupid Aunt Emma," I grumble, walking over to close it. My window faces the backyard. Just as I'm about to close it, I notice, in the neighbor's yard, a redheaded boy, covered in mud and dirt and grass, staggering across suspiciously, watching the house to make sure nobody saw him. Frowning, I lean out the window and watch as the boy limps through the yard and pushes a loose bit of fence out of the way to sidle through it and tumble into the next person's yard. I can see his face briefly as he's closing the fence back in place, and I notice with a start that it's Neo.

Without thinking, I thunder down the stairs and out the front door, my Mama calling after me in confusion. I run into the next-door neighbor's yard—they aren't home right now—and slip the latch into their backyard. Neo should be on the other side of the fence between this house and the one across from it. Slowing to a quick jog, I make my way over to the fence and carefully try each board to see if any will move. They all seem to be stuck when I notice one moving at the end. Catching my breath, I rush to the porch and dive behind a potted plant. Sure enough, the dollmaker himself comes through the moved bit of fence, and when he turns his back to fix it I stand and move toward him.'

Possibly you can divide these two paragraphs into slightly smaller parts. Paragraphs are normally 3-4 lines. If you feel this suggestion is not needed then I do apologise. I'm just putting in my personal input :)
1/12/2011 c1 Oracle of Destiny
Interesting start to the story so far :)

Overall I really liked the tone of the story. It was enjoyable because I got a real sense of the main character's personality and how she percieves things through her eyes,and mostly how she interacts with others. I can tell that she's a down to earth character and it's something that I really commend you for. It's very original.

My suggestion is that you should take out the text that are in brackets i.e. delete the brackets. Simple reason is that it can kinda distracts the reader, and it looks much nicer without any brackets surrounding the next. I know they're seen as a small detail, but they're still a part of the main story in many ways.

Good luck with this story :) You're doing well.
12/4/2010 c1 8guppylove
This first chapter is very engaging. I really like how it reads. I love how the narrative involved the reader, especially when we find out about their names (Chevy). I was beginning to wonder about it just before the explanation came. It's a great introduction and can't wait to read on.
9/4/2010 c2 12Aderyn Azula
again, very good chapter. I'm kind of upset there's not more :( i really like the characters you've created and would love to see where you take them.
9/4/2010 c1 Aderyn Azula
Hmm this story sounds really interesting! The plot is intriguing enough to have me keep reading. but my favorite thing is Chevy's voice. The way she tells the story is really refreshing and matter of fact. really great job!
12/6/2009 c2 3Miss.Masqued
Wow. I really like this story, so far! Update soon, pweasee?
12/5/2009 c2 3DaoineSidhe91
Excellent first two chapters! I can't wait to read more. One criticism: I wish you'd spent a little more time on the descriptions of the girls from physics class; Olivia's description was great, but I didn't hear anything about the other two except their names, and that they're both brunettes. Otherwise, great story; keep writing!
12/5/2009 c2 6Pirate Bones
It's quite nice. I'm pretty interested. Chevy is a nice name, for me. It reminds me of 'the day the music died' so I am fond of the name. Please do continue.
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