for Letters11/23/2011 c5 
9Shuna
Recently started re-reading this story again, and fell totally in love with this chapter. Summer break is approaching for you guys by now. Random offtopic, hehe.
Anyway, what I was going to say was that I really liked this chapter, and what you've done here. On one side you have Emily, who is envious of her brother, whom in her eyes makes perfection whereever he goes, and doesn't seem affected. And then you have Ethan, who is a little bitter about how their father had his sister as a favorite. all the while he feels guilty about it.
I can relate to their view of that, because firstly, it is the same dynamic my brother and I have. (My father isn't abusive though, in which I'm thankful for.) It is easy for people to fall into the devil/angel characterization of children who has parents whom drinks too much, often without realizing it. Even psychologists does this, sadly.
I do hope you'll write more of this story, when you feel inspired or when you need to. Or just want to.
Love Shuna (Who misses you.)
9ShunaRecently started re-reading this story again, and fell totally in love with this chapter. Summer break is approaching for you guys by now. Random offtopic, hehe.
Anyway, what I was going to say was that I really liked this chapter, and what you've done here. On one side you have Emily, who is envious of her brother, whom in her eyes makes perfection whereever he goes, and doesn't seem affected. And then you have Ethan, who is a little bitter about how their father had his sister as a favorite. all the while he feels guilty about it.
I can relate to their view of that, because firstly, it is the same dynamic my brother and I have. (My father isn't abusive though, in which I'm thankful for.) It is easy for people to fall into the devil/angel characterization of children who has parents whom drinks too much, often without realizing it. Even psychologists does this, sadly.
I do hope you'll write more of this story, when you feel inspired or when you need to. Or just want to.
Love Shuna (Who misses you.)
5/19/2011 c9 Fleur-de-lis Evans
“it felt really confusing, because they were each replying in the individual paragraphs; so it jumped a lot. Not sure how to fix it; help?”
You wrote this chapter well, actually. You have been building up the confusion, for the reader, since chapter two with Delilah and Sharon’s past. Now, you’ve added in Cory and Emily speaking, furthering the reader’s curiosity why Aaron and Delilah would want to keep all the children apart so much. You’ve done a great job showing how the children are effected by their parent’s present and past actions.
“it felt really confusing, because they were each replying in the individual paragraphs; so it jumped a lot. Not sure how to fix it; help?”
You wrote this chapter well, actually. You have been building up the confusion, for the reader, since chapter two with Delilah and Sharon’s past. Now, you’ve added in Cory and Emily speaking, furthering the reader’s curiosity why Aaron and Delilah would want to keep all the children apart so much. You’ve done a great job showing how the children are effected by their parent’s present and past actions.
5/19/2011 c8 Fleur-de-lis Evans
Introducing Corey and Emily was a good move plot-wise. It shows the complications between the two families, and the way that kids tend to do things parents don’t want them to. It also keeps the reader in suspense for what will happen next.
Kudos on a well thought-out chapter: Fleur
Introducing Corey and Emily was a good move plot-wise. It shows the complications between the two families, and the way that kids tend to do things parents don’t want them to. It also keeps the reader in suspense for what will happen next.
Kudos on a well thought-out chapter: Fleur
5/19/2011 c7 Fleur-de-lis Evans
This chapter brings into perspective the reality of the parent who is left. It also shows how close Sammy and Emily are. It gives the reader perspective on who is being effected by Sharon’s decision to take Emily and Ethan and leave town. Also, it redeems Aaron, showing that he is sincere about his love for Sharon.
Kudos on a great chapter: - Fleur
This chapter brings into perspective the reality of the parent who is left. It also shows how close Sammy and Emily are. It gives the reader perspective on who is being effected by Sharon’s decision to take Emily and Ethan and leave town. Also, it redeems Aaron, showing that he is sincere about his love for Sharon.
Kudos on a great chapter: - Fleur
5/19/2011 c6 Fleur-de-lis Evans
Aaron’s correspondence with Cassie and Delilah is intriguing. It deepens the plot with Sharon and Delilah’s issue, as well as showing how controlling Aaron is as a person. It shows his personality flaw that makes the reader understand why Sharon wanted to leave him, outside of his alcoholism. You also show his humans side, which is a nice balance.
One error I noticed:
Don't let them talk; don't let your kids talk to our kids.
- You need to take the back slash and punctuation out of “kids” since Ethan and Emily and Delilah’s kids are the object of the sentence, and are being possessed as Ethan and Sharon’s or Delilah’s and Mark’s.
Kudos on an informative chapter: - Fleur
Aaron’s correspondence with Cassie and Delilah is intriguing. It deepens the plot with Sharon and Delilah’s issue, as well as showing how controlling Aaron is as a person. It shows his personality flaw that makes the reader understand why Sharon wanted to leave him, outside of his alcoholism. You also show his humans side, which is a nice balance.
One error I noticed:
Don't let them talk; don't let your kids talk to our kids.
- You need to take the back slash and punctuation out of “kids” since Ethan and Emily and Delilah’s kids are the object of the sentence, and are being possessed as Ethan and Sharon’s or Delilah’s and Mark’s.
Kudos on an informative chapter: - Fleur
5/19/2011 c5 Fleur-de-lis Evans
This chapter showed what it was like for Ethan to grow up with Aaron as a father. It shows his emotional struggles.
- However, this didn’t sound like Ethan as he was portrayed by Emily, he didn’t have that strong backbone in here, and I feel as if he’d be a bit more formal, perhaps calling his aunt: Aunt Cassy.
One thing I noticed:
and Mum and EMILY are out and my old friends from school would just laugh at me,
- Originally you wrote “Dad”, but his dad isn’t there it would just be him, Emily and their mom Sharon.
Kudos on a heart-felt chapter: - Fleur
This chapter showed what it was like for Ethan to grow up with Aaron as a father. It shows his emotional struggles.
- However, this didn’t sound like Ethan as he was portrayed by Emily, he didn’t have that strong backbone in here, and I feel as if he’d be a bit more formal, perhaps calling his aunt: Aunt Cassy.
One thing I noticed:
and Mum and EMILY are out and my old friends from school would just laugh at me,
- Originally you wrote “Dad”, but his dad isn’t there it would just be him, Emily and their mom Sharon.
Kudos on a heart-felt chapter: - Fleur
5/19/2011 c4 Fleur-de-lis Evans
This does a great job of showing Emily’s doubts and how they play into her actions and reactions. You are doing a great job of developing her as a character.
Showing the scene between Emily and Ethan is a good move, because it gives Ethan personality and a masculine voice to the family.
- Although, you should have a chapter from Ethan’s voice to give him more of a stance in the story.
I noticed a couple of things:
Natalie, Sammy, Tara, Abish and Loren - Kara and Joey and Leah and Angli and Ms. Colleen
- Why did the names change? Except from letter one you don’t mention Kara, Joey, Leah and Angli again.
Megan Dale - Megan Daley
- Did you make a typo error or are Megan Dale and Megan Daley different people?
Kudos on an engaging chapter: Fleur
This does a great job of showing Emily’s doubts and how they play into her actions and reactions. You are doing a great job of developing her as a character.
Showing the scene between Emily and Ethan is a good move, because it gives Ethan personality and a masculine voice to the family.
- Although, you should have a chapter from Ethan’s voice to give him more of a stance in the story.
I noticed a couple of things:
Natalie, Sammy, Tara, Abish and Loren - Kara and Joey and Leah and Angli and Ms. Colleen
- Why did the names change? Except from letter one you don’t mention Kara, Joey, Leah and Angli again.
Megan Dale - Megan Daley
- Did you make a typo error or are Megan Dale and Megan Daley different people?
Kudos on an engaging chapter: Fleur
3/18/2011 c3 Fleur-de-lis Evans
This letter is heart felt, and it shows Emily's true feelings about the situation. It gives voice to the moral and emotional side, while the previous messages showed the logic. It balances out well will the reality and felt reality of the situation.
It's good that you included Ethan's voice in this chapter, because it gives a sense that everyone is feeling something deep at the moment, and that Ethan is the one to explain the situation shows that he is beginning to "be the man of the family", as he is the oldest son.
You present the dilemma of parenting and the connections of duty to parents versus duty to the self clearly in this chapter. Emily's guilt over leaving, despite the fact Sharon, Ethan and she are abused, shows the effect leaving has on children, as well as on the family unit in a unique and concise way.
There were a few things I noticed:
". I remember looking back while we were in the taxi. I was leaving Brisbane for good. I had lived here practically my whole life, and now I was leaving for some shabby two bedroom apartment in Yuckville, Sydney."
- This portion of the paragraph has a separate tone from the story so far. Considering she just got off the train before writing this letter, I suggest changing this portion and the re-counting of the train ride conversation in present tense, instead of past. Although Emily's voice comes through strongly, it sounds too much like an adult reminiscing on a child-hood experience, rather than a teenager remembering something that happened recently.
". Well, figuratively speaking."
- Omit the above sentence.In the first letter you already establish the heavy tone and atmosphere of an abusive situation. The reader will take this feeling on to other chapters. Also, Emily isn't "figuratively leaving a house" she is literally leaving her house along with her brother and mum, there is not anything figurative about the situation.
"ETHAN AND I couldn't let her speak to Dad like that!"
- Emily is speaking in this letter, not Ethan. A person wouldn't say "Me couldn't let her speak to Dad like that!"
- It is intriguing that Emily and Ethan are in defense of their father at this point, instead of wanting to stop the conversation for the Mum's sake. It shows how connected they were to their Dad, perhaps distancing them from the Mum. I'm not sure if that is what you were going for, but that is my impression as a reader.
Terrific chapter: Kudos - Fleur
This letter is heart felt, and it shows Emily's true feelings about the situation. It gives voice to the moral and emotional side, while the previous messages showed the logic. It balances out well will the reality and felt reality of the situation.
It's good that you included Ethan's voice in this chapter, because it gives a sense that everyone is feeling something deep at the moment, and that Ethan is the one to explain the situation shows that he is beginning to "be the man of the family", as he is the oldest son.
You present the dilemma of parenting and the connections of duty to parents versus duty to the self clearly in this chapter. Emily's guilt over leaving, despite the fact Sharon, Ethan and she are abused, shows the effect leaving has on children, as well as on the family unit in a unique and concise way.
There were a few things I noticed:
". I remember looking back while we were in the taxi. I was leaving Brisbane for good. I had lived here practically my whole life, and now I was leaving for some shabby two bedroom apartment in Yuckville, Sydney."
- This portion of the paragraph has a separate tone from the story so far. Considering she just got off the train before writing this letter, I suggest changing this portion and the re-counting of the train ride conversation in present tense, instead of past. Although Emily's voice comes through strongly, it sounds too much like an adult reminiscing on a child-hood experience, rather than a teenager remembering something that happened recently.
". Well, figuratively speaking."
- Omit the above sentence.In the first letter you already establish the heavy tone and atmosphere of an abusive situation. The reader will take this feeling on to other chapters. Also, Emily isn't "figuratively leaving a house" she is literally leaving her house along with her brother and mum, there is not anything figurative about the situation.
"ETHAN AND I couldn't let her speak to Dad like that!"
- Emily is speaking in this letter, not Ethan. A person wouldn't say "Me couldn't let her speak to Dad like that!"
- It is intriguing that Emily and Ethan are in defense of their father at this point, instead of wanting to stop the conversation for the Mum's sake. It shows how connected they were to their Dad, perhaps distancing them from the Mum. I'm not sure if that is what you were going for, but that is my impression as a reader.
Terrific chapter: Kudos - Fleur
3/18/2011 c2 Fleur-de-lis Evans
The addition of Deliliah and Sharon's previous relationship sets up a good conflict, aside from the one between Delilah and her abusive husband. This chapter is important because it introduces, at the correct time, a side-plot, which will make the struggle of Emily, Ethan and Sharon more difficult.
Great Chapter: Kudos - Fleur
The addition of Deliliah and Sharon's previous relationship sets up a good conflict, aside from the one between Delilah and her abusive husband. This chapter is important because it introduces, at the correct time, a side-plot, which will make the struggle of Emily, Ethan and Sharon more difficult.
Great Chapter: Kudos - Fleur
3/18/2011 c1 Fleur-de-lis Evans
One of your strengths is the ability to write the voice of a character and have their personality shine through to the reader.
My impression of Emily is: an independent and creative girl, who prefers to be outdoors, a bit of tom-boy, blunt person, who is also loving, and has delicate emotions.
You also show the Dad's effect on the family rather than telling, especially the idea that more than just Emily, her Mum and Ethan know about her dad's abusive nature, because typically only immediate family, those experiencing the abuse, would know about it, and feel shame and not speak to anyone. So it's nice to see a story where an abusive father has been that way for a long time, rather than having it happen randomly.
Two errors I noticed:
"Mum hasn't told dad, and if SHE did, he's murder her."
- Originally you wrote "and if 'he' did, which was a missed typo. -
"He just wanted to know why I didn't go TO violin.:
- You forgot to add in the action in this sentence, which leaves the thought in complete. -
Amazing Chapter: Kudos - Fleur
One of your strengths is the ability to write the voice of a character and have their personality shine through to the reader.
My impression of Emily is: an independent and creative girl, who prefers to be outdoors, a bit of tom-boy, blunt person, who is also loving, and has delicate emotions.
You also show the Dad's effect on the family rather than telling, especially the idea that more than just Emily, her Mum and Ethan know about her dad's abusive nature, because typically only immediate family, those experiencing the abuse, would know about it, and feel shame and not speak to anyone. So it's nice to see a story where an abusive father has been that way for a long time, rather than having it happen randomly.
Two errors I noticed:
"Mum hasn't told dad, and if SHE did, he's murder her."
- Originally you wrote "and if 'he' did, which was a missed typo. -
"He just wanted to know why I didn't go TO violin.:
- You forgot to add in the action in this sentence, which leaves the thought in complete. -
Amazing Chapter: Kudos - Fleur
2/24/2011 c1 5Whirlymerle
Hi there,
I love how you chose to write this in a series of letters. You do a great job of conveying Emily’s emotions. And I think its neat that even though Emily is writing a letter, she also talks to herself in this letter.
Your imagery is amazing. I especially like “layers and layers of Maybeline”. It’s brief and simple, but I could get how fake Megan is.
[Mum hasn't told dad, and if he did, he'd murder her.] I think the “he” should be she. Also, since “Mum” and “Dad” are used like names and therefore proper nouns, shouldn’t they always be capitalized?
Wow, I like how you introduced the abusive father part. It was almost subtle, and it definitely surprised me. It’s interesting that Emily’s dad is an abusive drunk, but he’s also concerned about why she’s missing violin. It’s like he wants her to be perfect. It seems like this twisted mix of control/care. I think you created some great depthy characters.
["In my day, if a female and male talked to each other, that'd be the end of it."] Wait, is Emily’s dad saying this? Well, whoever the speaker is, that’s totally creepy, since they’d be suggesting incest…
[ Maybe have a home instead of a house.] Loved this!
Great writing!
~Merle, Gossip Forum
5WhirlymerleHi there,
I love how you chose to write this in a series of letters. You do a great job of conveying Emily’s emotions. And I think its neat that even though Emily is writing a letter, she also talks to herself in this letter.
Your imagery is amazing. I especially like “layers and layers of Maybeline”. It’s brief and simple, but I could get how fake Megan is.
[Mum hasn't told dad, and if he did, he'd murder her.] I think the “he” should be she. Also, since “Mum” and “Dad” are used like names and therefore proper nouns, shouldn’t they always be capitalized?
Wow, I like how you introduced the abusive father part. It was almost subtle, and it definitely surprised me. It’s interesting that Emily’s dad is an abusive drunk, but he’s also concerned about why she’s missing violin. It’s like he wants her to be perfect. It seems like this twisted mix of control/care. I think you created some great depthy characters.
["In my day, if a female and male talked to each other, that'd be the end of it."] Wait, is Emily’s dad saying this? Well, whoever the speaker is, that’s totally creepy, since they’d be suggesting incest…
[ Maybe have a home instead of a house.] Loved this!
Great writing!
~Merle, Gossip Forum
2/21/2011 c9 8Kobra Kid
Why aren't you happy with this chapter? It shows how awkward things are between Corey and Emily, and that both of them have family problems! It really was a good chapter! (: Emily was extremely awkard in her first e-mail, haha. She was like, "Uhm, hi. Hello." But I can see where she's coming from. She has no idea how Corey will respond, and if he'll even respond, for that matter. And she's not even allowed to talk to the guy. I'm glad that he did reply, however! And on the very same day! (yes, I noticed the dates, hahaha) He was equally as awkward, but once again, I can see why. Wonderful work as always! I do hope that you update this soon! I'm really loving this story! :D
Kobra Kid
P.S. I just updated RFTA. Please review? Thanks! :D
8Kobra KidWhy aren't you happy with this chapter? It shows how awkward things are between Corey and Emily, and that both of them have family problems! It really was a good chapter! (: Emily was extremely awkard in her first e-mail, haha. She was like, "Uhm, hi. Hello." But I can see where she's coming from. She has no idea how Corey will respond, and if he'll even respond, for that matter. And she's not even allowed to talk to the guy. I'm glad that he did reply, however! And on the very same day! (yes, I noticed the dates, hahaha) He was equally as awkward, but once again, I can see why. Wonderful work as always! I do hope that you update this soon! I'm really loving this story! :D
Kobra Kid
P.S. I just updated RFTA. Please review? Thanks! :D
1/31/2011 c8 Kobra Kid
Why do you hate this chapter? It was really good! The introduction really gave the readers a lot more insight into what Emily, Ethan and Sharon had to go through every single day of their lives with Aaron. It showed us how much fear Aaron struck into Emily's heart, and made her mentally break down. I loved how you added that it wasn't what Aaron did physically, but mentally to the kids. He made them so depressed and frightened, and you weaved it in quite well!
Ooh, I'm really glad that Emily had a good first day of school! I can't imagine being a total stranger in this huge new high school. I've been in the same school district since Kindergarten, so Emily's experience must, at first, been terrifying. But, I'm glad this girl, Dee, helped her out. I hope to see an e-mail to Emily from her in the future? That would be cool :) Ooh, Corey sounds so nice! But - wait, what? He's Delilah's son! That's just FANTASTIC! Great twist to the story, ranDUMM! It adds another element to it! :D
Great, great work! Keep it up!
Kobra Kid, Gossip
P.S. If you don't mind, can you payback via RFTA? Thanks!
Why do you hate this chapter? It was really good! The introduction really gave the readers a lot more insight into what Emily, Ethan and Sharon had to go through every single day of their lives with Aaron. It showed us how much fear Aaron struck into Emily's heart, and made her mentally break down. I loved how you added that it wasn't what Aaron did physically, but mentally to the kids. He made them so depressed and frightened, and you weaved it in quite well!
Ooh, I'm really glad that Emily had a good first day of school! I can't imagine being a total stranger in this huge new high school. I've been in the same school district since Kindergarten, so Emily's experience must, at first, been terrifying. But, I'm glad this girl, Dee, helped her out. I hope to see an e-mail to Emily from her in the future? That would be cool :) Ooh, Corey sounds so nice! But - wait, what? He's Delilah's son! That's just FANTASTIC! Great twist to the story, ranDUMM! It adds another element to it! :D
Great, great work! Keep it up!
Kobra Kid, Gossip
P.S. If you don't mind, can you payback via RFTA? Thanks!
1/29/2011 c2 Old xRayneWolfx account
I hope Delilah can forgive sharon :( Sharon was young and sometimes- women go back to the men that hurted them before. This is such a good story and a clear example of the ordeals women go through with abuse. I really hope friendship will preveil! :) wonderful work
~Kairee-Anne,roadhouse
I hope Delilah can forgive sharon :( Sharon was young and sometimes- women go back to the men that hurted them before. This is such a good story and a clear example of the ordeals women go through with abuse. I really hope friendship will preveil! :) wonderful work
~Kairee-Anne,roadhouse
1/26/2011 c2 3NVR
Wow! I love this story!
I love the way you are describing all the characters feelings, and in each chapter / letter, you give out new clues to why they are leaving. This is SUCH a GREAT idea, I love it!
Just something that you could change:
Please do not throw this away! I do not know if you have even opened this email, or if you just deleted it, after seeing who it was from. I hope you didn't delete it. Anyways, if it's still on the screen and not in the 'Deleted' folder, I think we can safely assume that you are reading it and not just ignoring it because of some high school grudge.
In a normal email, people don't write what they think. You go a little over the top in this paragraph. It just doesn't fit if you put everything the writer of the email thinks, because then it is not realistic.
So I'm bringing the kids (haha) and we're all coming down there, to Sydney.
The email she is writing is a serious email, and in this paragraph, it doesn't sound serious. Putting humour in doesn't work, and people don't to that even in a normal email. If you work on this sentence, and put the humour out of it, it will, again, sound more realistic.
Hopefully this helps, and I'm not trying to be harsh, I'm trying to help you!
Apart from that, it is a very well thought out plotted story, and I'm sure it will make AMAZING reading! Keep up the FANTASTIC work!
NVR *Repayed
3NVRWow! I love this story!
I love the way you are describing all the characters feelings, and in each chapter / letter, you give out new clues to why they are leaving. This is SUCH a GREAT idea, I love it!
Just something that you could change:
Please do not throw this away! I do not know if you have even opened this email, or if you just deleted it, after seeing who it was from. I hope you didn't delete it. Anyways, if it's still on the screen and not in the 'Deleted' folder, I think we can safely assume that you are reading it and not just ignoring it because of some high school grudge.
In a normal email, people don't write what they think. You go a little over the top in this paragraph. It just doesn't fit if you put everything the writer of the email thinks, because then it is not realistic.
So I'm bringing the kids (haha) and we're all coming down there, to Sydney.
The email she is writing is a serious email, and in this paragraph, it doesn't sound serious. Putting humour in doesn't work, and people don't to that even in a normal email. If you work on this sentence, and put the humour out of it, it will, again, sound more realistic.
Hopefully this helps, and I'm not trying to be harsh, I'm trying to help you!
Apart from that, it is a very well thought out plotted story, and I'm sure it will make AMAZING reading! Keep up the FANTASTIC work!
NVR *Repayed