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7/1/2010 c4 12lianoid
Tonight the stars have gathered to dance around a moon like young folks around a disco ball.

-I really like the first part of this sentence, but the “folks” kind of threw the tone off for me. Beautiful beginning, though.

As the others sleeps Zen steers The Dream toward our first destination.

-Edit: Change “sleeps” to “sleep” and place a comma after it.

As I've said before some of the places that we journey to will be very strange.

-The first part of this sentence isn’t reading clearly to me.

It is getting late, you should get some sleep

-Edit: Make this two separate sentences. Also, I feel that the first part should be changed to read “It is getting late, though” so that it would transition better with the otherwise abrupt ending of his dialogue.

The sun had risen on our backs and illuminated the port as well as the rest of the island quite well.

-Since the first sentence in this paragraph says that the sky is cloudless, I think you can merge this one with that one so as to get rid of the repetitive feel of this.

She introduced herself simply as Alice the Performer and invited us to breakfast. I

-Edit: Throw a comma after “Performer”.

This response was usually met with the assumption that I was looking for a religion as if I had lost my way and a sympathetic look.

-Edit: Place one comma after “religion” and one after “way”.

Perhaps the response "I don't believe in God" is more direct but also more impolite as this response was met with looks that indicated I was beyond saving like I was on my last few breaths of life.

-Edit: My goodness, you need a comma in here. Ha-ha. Throw one after “saving” and I might change “like” to “as if”.

We met at a lecture hall and despite of his strangeness he had an uncanny ability to traverse the space between the audience and the lecturer like no other scientist could.

-Edit: Another one! =P Place a comma after “strangeness” (I think). Also, I would remove “of”.

This chapter had a very formal and academic tone to it. It felt like he was merely recalling or narrating everything in a very critical... nope, uhm... structured? (I’m terribly tired right now, forgive me). He narrated everything in a seemingly objective way. (Phew, there we go). It felt almost detached and like he was simply documenting everything that happened, as it happened. I don’t know how I feel about this actually, I just found it a little... well, I didn’t find this chapter nearly as engaging as the others.

On the other hand, I particularly like this discussion at about religion and science. I thought that added an interesting spark to your story, since there appears to be “magical” entities and objects and whatnot. I especially like the line “Both partake in an important role in creating what we call the beginning, however neither can be created or destroyed meaning that they have and will always exist” since I’ve thought about that specifically. I could never understand the Big Bang theory. I always wondered what they thought existed before the Big Bang and how it came to be. Anyway, a solid chapter overall, although you do need to watch your comma placements (or the lack of), mister. ;) (Let me know if you don’t want me to point out grammatical errors in the future. I’m fine with it either way).
6/23/2010 c3 lianoid
You need to throw some commas in a lot of your sentences. –tsk tsk– It’s okay, I’m quite terrible with it myself. Actually, I thought I was doing quite well, and then a couple of reviewers shattered that deluded idea right quick. Ha-ha.

I like how awkward this feels. Starting up a journal is kind of awkward to start, and you captured that perfectly. It was almost painful to read, just because of how awkward it was, but that was the beauty about it.

I really like the description about Alex, and I’m interested to find out even more about him. He sounds like quite the intriguing entity.

Perhaps Souls are not so different from other creatures, sure of their own existence but uncertain of the existence of other minds, other souls, other people, other creatures, and the spaces in-between.

-I like to see you tying in your summary with the plot. This worked quite nicely, too.

She is a pixie like creature...

-Edit: Place a hyphen between “pixie” and “like” to show a closer relation between the two.

She is clothed in a tattered robe full of scars and holes.

-This description seemed a bit odd to me. Only because you’re describing the robe as having “scars”. When I think of scars I think of the remnant mark of former wounds on a person’s skin. I’m finding it difficult to picture this with a fabric.

Whoa, the Observer sounds like one hell of an interesting being. I love these characters you have. They’re so varied and deep. I really hope you explore them a bit more, and perhaps explain them in more depth.

Overall I thought this was a good chapter. I really liked how you switched to journal format. It really gave us a good sweep of the cast we’re dealing with. I would have liked a bit more explanation about the entities, but I trust you’ll touch on that later. Plus, it wouldn’t seem entirely realistic if you had Max explain too deeply, considering he already knows what they are.

As always, I’ll be back soon,

6/19/2010 c2 lianoid
The first paragraph could use a couple of commas thrown in, but aside from that, I really like the descriptions. You’re painting a clear picture in my head, and the line “Like most spirits” certainly caught my attention. I’m guessing wandering spirits are a norm in your world, and I’m eager to find out more about this culture.

The skin on his face is dry and cracked. Some cracks run so deep that they could be mistaken for scars or wrinkles.

-Edit: Change “is” to “was”, “run” to “ran” and remove “that”.

All in all he seems like a hard working honest man.

-Edit: Be careful with your tenses. Change “seems” to “seemed”.

I really like the line about the narrator meeting a woman who travelled by umbrella propelled by her own will. I thought that was incredibly creative, as well as rather charming.

I think that sleeping on "The Dream" is a marvelous and amusing idea but I must ask Zen where I would be sleeping on the ship

-Personal: Remove “on the ship” since we already know he’s thinking/talking about the ship.

“We went different ways in order to accomplish the same purpose.”

-I really like this line. It’s quite clever and poetic.

Once we got there the only thing standing in-between us and sleep is the decision of which mattress we are to sleep on.

-Personal: Remove “in-“ since “in-between” is in fact a redundant word. Also, you’re switching up tenses again. “got there” and “we are to sleep on” sound odd to me. I’m also going to note that I find the switching in tenses from the beginning of this chapter (which read like past tense) and the latter part (which reads in present) slightly confusing. I’m not sure if this was intentional or not, and I certainly don’t see why you couldn’t switch tenses if you really wanted to; but I’ve never encountered a story like this before (in regards to tense changes). I might suggest sticking to one tense all the way through this, in order to make it easier to comprehend, as well as aiding the flow.

This chapter was more engaging than the last one. There’s something terribly exciting about beginning a new journey, and I’m eager to find out where The Dream takes them. Let’s talk about your comma placement though, shall we? You really need to throw some commas in a lot of your sentences, because right now without them, it’s ruining the flow of this. Reading your story aloud will help with this.

That’s it for today. Back to bed for me now. I shall be back soon though to review more.

6/19/2010 c1 1xenolith
Mixed feelings about this as a prologue. At first I thought it was too formal a pov, and then I was completely hooked with the introduction of fish, birds and the stranger, even more so with what he had to say. But I think it could be approached, or executed better. The part about spaces is great, totally engaging, and honest, but the last paragraph went back to the formality of the beginning and ruined the effect. All in all I liked it, but recommend maybe sprucing this up a bit, having it as a normal narrative but with the same tense, if that makes sense. Otherwise, very intriguing!
6/16/2010 c1 12lianoid
I thought this was an interesting opening. It felt a little... I don’t want to say bland because that’s definitely not the word I’m looking for. It just felt... I guess, slow? Pale? I don’t know how to describe it. I really liked Bruce’s introduction, and the quotes you used, but the first paragraph didn’t really hit me like it could of, I guess. Not all prologues need action and dialogue and a large, golden hook, so I’m not trying to tell you to incorporate any of those things in this. I just think that perhaps, you could have tied some of the thoughts in better. Make the transitions smoother. Also, with the greeting Max received from Bruce, I think you should set it apart somehow, make it a little more distinct. When I read: “My apologies, we have not been formally introduced” I was a little confused for a moment because we *had* been introduced to Max already, and I didn’t realize that part was still part of Max telling us about the greeting. I’m a little weary of italics, unless showing telepathic or internal thoughts, but I might suggest doing that with Bruce’s lines.

I’m not feeling one-hundred percent today, so forgive me for such a... geeze I can’t even think of the word. I really should just go back to bed. I don’t deal well with being sick. Anyway, I’ll be back for more of this soon. I definitely am interested in finding out about the places in-between. Until next time.

4/19/2010 c4 4rmzucker
hi its me again lol just rereading your story and commenting :) got to chapter 4...this is a kind of stream of conscious commenting style so just pm with questions:

Remove sentence in chapter 2: I know the coat used to be...in some places...I think it's enough that you put the coat was originally dark green...it sounds like the narrator knows what he's talking about

Intenseness-lol it s intensity but I'd personally use thesaurus here to avoid using intensity again but ur call

Also since u mention that u could ALSO tell his hands were worn then I d say that the skin on just his face was cracked not his face and hands cuz u mention his that his hands were cracked later on as if u hadn t put attention to the fact that they were cracked yet

Just run through story to check for needed commas like putting one before 'but'

Colon between we went our separate ways and me to my home...

Also I'd make the sentence after that 'we went different ways to acomlish the same purpose' it sounds more powerful

Ok the paragraph that starts well here we are and ends it won t be terribly exciting... Idk it just doesn t fit it seems to disrupt the flow uve got going.. So far uve been addressing the reader in a more gentler way but here ur talking right to them and it's just disrupting no offense-also with the little bit ' right could you help me carry this for a second thanks' ...I d just go from 'one last look around' to 'now we should be getting back on the ship.' The we already makes it seem like the reader is going along with u but since the reader knows they re not actually there it can be distracting when u try to make it seem that way since their attention is then diverted from the narration

Also the last part of second chapter-for the whole chap u've made it seem like zen and Alex don't know that the reader is actually there with u I think u should keep that way and just have the reader accompany the first person narrator in this chap through that narrator's thoughts and observations again it was a bit disrupting with all the 'we' when previously )before the reader went to the narrators house) it seemed like he wasn't actually there

I'm only saying this because u make it seem like ur making the reader's choices for them as they go along which can be turning off for the reader so I'd just go through that chap and edit to make it seem like the reader is with the narrator in spirit but not actually there u know what I mean ?

chap 3

Ok so is max a totally new character or is he also the narrator from the last chapter? I m just confused..maybe u should have narrator in last chap be addressed by name at least once by the other chars? Just like the journal this mystery narrator deserves a name

Love the description of Alex

conscious and the subconcious as creatures love the idea! :D

The part about the observer being born fixed either male or female and also with an inner gender is a bit confusing...maybe it's just the wording -if it's the fact that they are with a diff inner gender that is the point then emphasize that and leave out the fixed male or female since readers are familiar with being either male or female of course XD

Also change the 'but' to an 'and' in that sentance 'they have the ability to observe us but we cannot precieve that the observer is here' i think it sounds better

so these are just changes i'd do its up to u if u wanna implement them

lol i'm working on my own story that i have to finish by apr 26th i put it on here for quick feedback..its for a contest *gulp* and im also on vacation in myrtle beach right now too rofl so ill try to finish your story and review more when i get the chance...i think its finished now, no? lol can i honestly say that your story and its philosophical/vague tone gave me inspiration for my short story? :D

ty and great story, rmzucker
10/4/2009 c6 17Eponine254
I really think you captured the "twilight zone" sense well in this scene. There was something very misty and mysterious about the whole thing, and that ties in perfectly with the subject matter. There were a few little mistakes, such as "despite of" (which should be "despite" or "in spite of"), and commas would help the dialogue to flow more naturally. For example, "You're late again, Zen," and "Late, Ceres?" both needed commas before the name of the person being addressed. I loved the description of the clouds embracing Ceres like a lover, but the adverbs in that paragraph didn't work for me - "mysteriously and nonchalantly" didn't help me to visualise the scene very clearly. I'd stick with "nonchalantly", or even "casually". Otherwise, good work!
9/29/2009 c5 4rmzucker
wow! i love this story! its not so much a "here's the plot" story but more of a very well thought and well written essay on different beliefs on existence. teh prologue actually kind of reminded me of ideas in The Matrix movie. If i was an action sort of girl, and i actually am, I would say that the plot is going very slow. But that's not a problem here at all. Putting action suddenly into this would mess up the mood you've got going. I'm still interested on where this is going to go but i'm sure its going to end up being very psychological. You've honestly convinced me on most of your ideas you mentioned, do you mind if I quote you and use them for forum signatures or other favorite quote boxes? i think their that amazing. I also like how you've made it taht the characters can't be related to physically but only mentally, since the whole book so far is very mental. can't wait to read the rest and keep more coming! Keep it up :)
9/23/2009 c4 45deefective
Hm, not sure what I think of this just yet. As for the whole formatting of this chapter I think you need to include more dialogue. Almost all the written words were narration and this caused the chapter to look rather thick and blocky, which is hard on the eyes and might make people not want to read it. As for the actual writing, I'd have to say it's got a few sparks in it but other than that it's rather average. There was nothing in the telling of this part that really stuck out to me and made me want to read the rest.
9/20/2009 c3 3Kristin Li

I kind of found the journal entry to be a little bit of an 'info-dump', meaning you had a lot of information squeezed into one paragraph, which I didn't find that more interesting to read. I'd personally rather have had that same information spread across several chapters. I also found the journal entry to be kind of...well...strange. I don't really know about the

'lost soul' people, but I found the use of the language and narration to not really ring true in my mind. I also found the paragraph where he is talking to journal to be a little bit strange, but that just could be me. I've also noticed that your paragraphs seem to all be around the same length, which my English teacher suggests not to do. All in all, It seems to be an interesting well thought out concept, I just found the writing to not be to my liking.
9/18/2009 c1 17Eponine254
An interesting start to the main story, but still not easy to read. I think this could really benefit from some dialogue to liven it up and break up the paragraphs. It would also help to give the reader a clearer idea of what the characters are like.

I also found the switch from one first person narrator to another to be a little confusing. Maybe if the prologue were written in the third person, there would be less of a jump? Or you could tell the main story from Zen's POV, as that was the perspective that seemed to be set up in the introduction.

In the first paragraph, you used "inherent" where it should have been "inherit", but otherwise your spelling and word choice was good. :)
9/15/2009 c2 Chasing Skylines
First off, I highly recommend breaking this story into more paragraphs. This is not easy on the eyes or reader concentration.

There is also no dialogue; this is, in part, because of you tell far more than you show.

For example, "When we got back to the ship, Zen was there to greet us." That's telling. Showing: "We boarded the ship, and Zen said, "I see you're back. Say your goodbyes and pack everything in the hold below deck." Short and shabby example, but that's the gist of it. You can Google for "show, not tell," as well.

Also, you tended to switch tenses.
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