for Black Alleyways and Bleak Hearts9/15/2009 c2 
109ADSpencer
Great description. When I read the description at the beginning of the chapter, I must have looked like Homer Simpson staring at donuts. There was probably a little drool involved. So kudos for describing a sexy guy. Very nice physical interaction as well, like in the brushing of legs.
I also really like the dialogue so far. The orca conversation was well done, showing both of their personalities. And it was interesting :)
109ADSpencerGreat description. When I read the description at the beginning of the chapter, I must have looked like Homer Simpson staring at donuts. There was probably a little drool involved. So kudos for describing a sexy guy. Very nice physical interaction as well, like in the brushing of legs.
I also really like the dialogue so far. The orca conversation was well done, showing both of their personalities. And it was interesting :)
9/15/2009 c1 17Eponine254
Interesting beginning! I enjoyed the characters' banter. Some sentences were hard to read, though. For example, "Think about Vassalord* you don’t have to do those certain scenes to produce what you want." I think you may want a full stop after "Vassalord", and I'm not entirely sure what the part after that means - I assume it's a reference to the fact that she doesn't need to include sex scenes? I think that could be clarified a bit! Otherwise, good work :)
17Eponine254Interesting beginning! I enjoyed the characters' banter. Some sentences were hard to read, though. For example, "Think about Vassalord* you don’t have to do those certain scenes to produce what you want." I think you may want a full stop after "Vassalord", and I'm not entirely sure what the part after that means - I assume it's a reference to the fact that she doesn't need to include sex scenes? I think that could be clarified a bit! Otherwise, good work :)
9/14/2009 c2 TymCon
Well that was an in teresting thing. Im really curious what his name is:P And i learned a bit about manga:O he has a nipple ring? odd:P Id say this story will be funny when it gets into its momentum:D
Well that was an in teresting thing. Im really curious what his name is:P And i learned a bit about manga:O he has a nipple ring? odd:P Id say this story will be funny when it gets into its momentum:D
9/14/2009 c1 TymCon
Well this was good:P Personally im not really a fan of manga, but it dos'nt really have much to do whit the story:P The short part of the conversation was good. Although when the guy first came over it was confusing, I honestly thouht it was a guy writing and a girl came over. Probably just the way i read it:P
Well this was good:P Personally im not really a fan of manga, but it dos'nt really have much to do whit the story:P The short part of the conversation was good. Although when the guy first came over it was confusing, I honestly thouht it was a guy writing and a girl came over. Probably just the way i read it:P
9/1/2009 c1 109ADSpencer
Haha! This first chapter cracked me up. You have some great dialogue here, and it love the way the story's unfolding. It's realistic but bizarre, and I'm really enjoying it. I also like the premise for the story; there aren't many fiction stories about manga writers (at least not that I can recall).
109ADSpencerHaha! This first chapter cracked me up. You have some great dialogue here, and it love the way the story's unfolding. It's realistic but bizarre, and I'm really enjoying it. I also like the premise for the story; there aren't many fiction stories about manga writers (at least not that I can recall).
9/1/2009 c9 3RebelianAngel
Utterly brilliant! I can't decide wich Chapter ONe I like best... anway.. keep up the good work! I look forward to furture chapters.
3RebelianAngelUtterly brilliant! I can't decide wich Chapter ONe I like best... anway.. keep up the good work! I look forward to furture chapters.
9/1/2009 c2 4Frayling0
This story is brill, sorry I've neglected it recently - been very busy! The dialogue is witty, the characters are great, humorous yet with depth. The subject matter interests me... and a verbal beat down! I want to see what happens next. ~ Luke
4Frayling0This story is brill, sorry I've neglected it recently - been very busy! The dialogue is witty, the characters are great, humorous yet with depth. The subject matter interests me... and a verbal beat down! I want to see what happens next. ~ Luke
8/25/2009 c1 4L.A. Clearwater
oh manga, oh writers! Two things that I love best rolled into one story! No way! Now, this is what I call favorite!
Xoxo,L.A. Clearwater
~the Roadhouse
4L.A. Clearwateroh manga, oh writers! Two things that I love best rolled into one story! No way! Now, this is what I call favorite!
Xoxo,L.A. Clearwater
~the Roadhouse
8/25/2009 c7 Abztrack
WOW you got more reviewers yay!(jumps up and down and claps hands excitedly like the idiot I am)finally this story is getting a fration of the attention it deserves...I've decided not to read the charater profiles i want to see their personalities in your writting and their actoins...
The new version ..eh...what can I say...(sucks in large breath)...I liked other one better im sorry to say..this one seems sequential and drawn out...i liked the fact that Akemi thought he was a hobo at first(hilarious)...but then u kind of stretched it out too much.Thanks for adding the word consultations it helped.
Anyways got to go save the chocolate covered kidney eating children of Slovakia from heart disease-Abztrak
WOW you got more reviewers yay!(jumps up and down and claps hands excitedly like the idiot I am)finally this story is getting a fration of the attention it deserves...I've decided not to read the charater profiles i want to see their personalities in your writting and their actoins...
The new version ..eh...what can I say...(sucks in large breath)...I liked other one better im sorry to say..this one seems sequential and drawn out...i liked the fact that Akemi thought he was a hobo at first(hilarious)...but then u kind of stretched it out too much.Thanks for adding the word consultations it helped.
Anyways got to go save the chocolate covered kidney eating children of Slovakia from heart disease-Abztrak
8/24/2009 c7 1Mintiee
New Version! :D
Ok, i admit, it was a little bit weird starting it again, coz i already knew what was going to happen and all about Izumi-san and yada yada yada, but i think you made the right choice by doing it again.
Although i honestly loved the first version of this, i found this one a lot more informative and a lot more realistic. It seems a lot more real that Towa would call Orca-chan into his office and introduce her to the hobo (That was awesome. You get brownie points) rather than sending her a text, or by calling her, i forget which.
I still think you should include the coffee version at some point though. seems a shame to let it go to waste.
There was a lot more detail and description in this one, which was all your previous version needed, so if i'm honest, this was almost perfect. I missed the banter. and i know you dont need it because it's coming up in later chapters, but all the same. Im just impatient.
oh and the details about how if she doesn't let Izumi-san live with her, she'll get fired, was a lot more clear, and again more realistic.
-contented sigh- you didn't disappoint. Cant wait to read on and see if there are much more changes. oh, i noticed a few mistakes, but i cant remember what they are so i can't list them.
Update soon! :)
-M.
PS. Leo says hi :)
1MintieeNew Version! :D
Ok, i admit, it was a little bit weird starting it again, coz i already knew what was going to happen and all about Izumi-san and yada yada yada, but i think you made the right choice by doing it again.
Although i honestly loved the first version of this, i found this one a lot more informative and a lot more realistic. It seems a lot more real that Towa would call Orca-chan into his office and introduce her to the hobo (That was awesome. You get brownie points) rather than sending her a text, or by calling her, i forget which.
I still think you should include the coffee version at some point though. seems a shame to let it go to waste.
There was a lot more detail and description in this one, which was all your previous version needed, so if i'm honest, this was almost perfect. I missed the banter. and i know you dont need it because it's coming up in later chapters, but all the same. Im just impatient.
oh and the details about how if she doesn't let Izumi-san live with her, she'll get fired, was a lot more clear, and again more realistic.
-contented sigh- you didn't disappoint. Cant wait to read on and see if there are much more changes. oh, i noticed a few mistakes, but i cant remember what they are so i can't list them.
Update soon! :)
-M.
PS. Leo says hi :)
8/24/2009 c7 3DragonCeres
hm new version. i'm not sure which one i liked better. i feel like the first one was a lot easier to read through and catch my attention
personally, this one has too much exposition. just seeing the size of your first five to six paragraphs kinda scared me a little, but i read through them. they're funny. i like her. she's very sarcastic. kinda like me lol, but usually, be careful not to put so much exposition in the beginning of the story. i know you want to set up the story and everything, but this might just be overboard. a lot of the information can be introduced later, like Towa being the childhood friend and everything.
if u must, just focus on her bad day to get the point across. other things can wait until later, when the readers' attention are more hooked
again i noticed a lot of verb inconsistencies.
"Molly is Towa’s assistant and though she was a petite 5’ 2”" - 'is' should be 'was'
"Towa is a very intuitive man. He can read people’s emotions and know how to act around them so well, it’s a wonder he’s not in politics, or trade like his family. " - i know it sounds right to use the present tense, but the verbs should be in past tense so as to be consistent with the rest of the story
there're others, but those are the ones that stuck out the most
anyway, it's all up to you how you want to write the story. just some helpful suggestions.
i still very much luv the sarcastic humor in this story. keep up the great work
Dragonceres
The Roadhouse
3DragonCereshm new version. i'm not sure which one i liked better. i feel like the first one was a lot easier to read through and catch my attention
personally, this one has too much exposition. just seeing the size of your first five to six paragraphs kinda scared me a little, but i read through them. they're funny. i like her. she's very sarcastic. kinda like me lol, but usually, be careful not to put so much exposition in the beginning of the story. i know you want to set up the story and everything, but this might just be overboard. a lot of the information can be introduced later, like Towa being the childhood friend and everything.
if u must, just focus on her bad day to get the point across. other things can wait until later, when the readers' attention are more hooked
again i noticed a lot of verb inconsistencies.
"Molly is Towa’s assistant and though she was a petite 5’ 2”" - 'is' should be 'was'
"Towa is a very intuitive man. He can read people’s emotions and know how to act around them so well, it’s a wonder he’s not in politics, or trade like his family. " - i know it sounds right to use the present tense, but the verbs should be in past tense so as to be consistent with the rest of the story
there're others, but those are the ones that stuck out the most
anyway, it's all up to you how you want to write the story. just some helpful suggestions.
i still very much luv the sarcastic humor in this story. keep up the great work
Dragonceres
The Roadhouse
8/24/2009 c5 DragonCeres
wait? so where's the new story if this is the end of the old one?
even if ur ending it, i still feel rather obligated to point this out:
"My brain is awesome, and I guess… so is Izumi-san." change verbs to past tense
and ur from Texas? Same here! Gulf coast! worried about hurricane every year. ike was a b*.
anyway, i'm still going to read the rest of what you have up!
wait? so where's the new story if this is the end of the old one?
even if ur ending it, i still feel rather obligated to point this out:
"My brain is awesome, and I guess… so is Izumi-san." change verbs to past tense
and ur from Texas? Same here! Gulf coast! worried about hurricane every year. ike was a b*.
anyway, i'm still going to read the rest of what you have up!
8/24/2009 c4 DragonCeres
“Don’t sound pathetic, it’s almost cute.” (run on sentence)
i think i'm running out of words to describe how much i'm in love with your dialogue. and it actually shows progress in their relationship (somewhat). and at the end it's easy to tell that orca-chan is drawn in by izumi
“Don’t sound pathetic, it’s almost cute.” (run on sentence)
i think i'm running out of words to describe how much i'm in love with your dialogue. and it actually shows progress in their relationship (somewhat). and at the end it's easy to tell that orca-chan is drawn in by izumi
8/23/2009 c3 DragonCeres
ur dialogues are soo clever. i wished i had ur talent for dialogues
“I’m just saying, your family must know how to push back the eroding of the liver.” my favorite line
a mistake i noticed:
"we spared with each other without touching at all" - did you mean "sparred?"
i'll try to finish the rest tmr. ciao
Dragonceres
The Roadhouse
ur dialogues are soo clever. i wished i had ur talent for dialogues
“I’m just saying, your family must know how to push back the eroding of the liver.” my favorite line
a mistake i noticed:
"we spared with each other without touching at all" - did you mean "sparred?"
i'll try to finish the rest tmr. ciao
Dragonceres
The Roadhouse
8/23/2009 c2 DragonCeres
omg i'm so excited. a verbal beatdown? this oughta be so much fun
and what's her real name? why is she trying to get over it?
so off to the nx chapter!
omg i'm so excited. a verbal beatdown? this oughta be so much fun
and what's her real name? why is she trying to get over it?
so off to the nx chapter!