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for Origins of Nowhere

10/9/2011 c1 3mtorchic
That was a very interesting story. I liked it, and now I can't wait to read more! Nice job!
9/19/2011 c1 d-lete-d-d-d
A decent start, I was slightly confused in some places. Sometimes, I believe, you may have forgotten to tell the reader where they were, how they got there and other details. Although the chapter is pretty wordy, I find that there is a bit of a lack in description in some places. Not bad, it could be better, though.
9/11/2011 c2 5Mistval
The plot continues to move along well here. I get the feeling that Amaki is going to be going to that world in her dreams soon. I can see that you like to drive your stories with dialogue. That's a good way to go for a story like this, I think.

◊◊ Randwulf
9/11/2011 c1 Mistval
This is a good start. Dreams are a great way to get the plot rolling right away. This is actually a little bit quick for my tastes, but that's just me.

I wonder why the object in her hand was an egg. Usually when something like that happens, its a talisman or something generic like that. I like that you used something different and I wonder what it's foreshadowing.

◊◊ Randwulf
9/6/2011 c1 4lookingwest
Beyond that point... [Style: which point? I would omit that phrase, it doesn't make a lot of sense...beyond the point of Alternair, but what is the point of Alternair? It's a place, not a point. I would omit it and then start a new paragraph with "A certain creature..." because you start a new subject, you go from describing the place to describing the characters and action.]

"...all of Alternair" the creature exclaimed. [Edit: needs a comma after Alternair]

...scorching

her hand. [Edit: this needs to be in one paragraph]

"Uh, hi," she replied. [Edit: needs to be in its own paragraph]

"...preferably a picnic," He offered... [Edit: un-capitalize "he"]

"That's the bell we wouldn't want to be late would we," [Edit: coma after "bell"]

From a distance a creature... [Edit: needs to be in its own paragraph]

"...be nothing." she reassured herself. [Edit: needs a comma instead of a period after "nothing"]

"...who was on the ground wincing..." [Edit: if they are inside, "ground" needs to be "floor", this can confuse the reader and make us doubt the setting. I believe they're in a building though.]

Its blood spewed on the ground. [same as above]

Okay so, things in this story so far are moving at a huge amount of speed and I'm not sure I like that because it's making all the action seem very stilted. I get this "she did this, then she did this, then she did this" feeling to it. I also don't like the speaker tags you're using. I highly recommend you use "said" more often, because otherwise it's really distracting.

My favorite part of the story so far is the demon that's watching Amaki from afar and is in her dreams. I didn't really like the idea beginning that started with a dream though, just because it's so overdone sometimes, but I did like that we got a glimpse of Alternair and I like the idea you've started with that and I feel like it can be developed really well. I also think you should do your editing more closely or at least re-read before posting, there were a lot of easy things that could have been edited and it could really clean the first chapter up, you want to make a good first impression, so I'd also maybe consider getting a beta reader, but some of this is stuff you could do all on your own with a second or third close-reading.

Overall, a good start, it could be polished in some areas but the demons stalking Amaki and the ending climax with the monster was placed well.
9/5/2011 c1 6Ezekiel Finch
Hello from the RG!

I'm getting a very clear Japanese influence from your writing. Having roots and influences are fine but don't get too lost in trying to emulate great japanese works. Focus on the storytelling and then let the details fit the story.

The second thing is that I'm seeing a lot of basic errors that you need to fix. For example, you do not give a new paragraph for different speakers. If person A talks for a bit then person B needs a new paragraph. In addition there were some unnecessary commas that create an odd rhythm and figure. Some sentences were awkward sounding and others sounded really clean and fluid. Go back with a fresh eye and look around for those errors to clean it up.

Ezekiel Finch
9/1/2011 c2 119SomeRandomScribbles
First and foremost, you might want to get a Beta reader for this - the grammar needs some work, and there are a lot of typos (e.g. - "couln't").

I like how you keep the story in the thick of the action - it makes it all very intense and keeps the plot going really well. However, at times I think you need a little more detail in the build up to the action - for example, some descriptions might have brightened up your opening paragraph.

I love how well you express Amaki's emotions - we always know how she's feeling and therefore feel the same way. Her emotions are usually very realistic too. However, when the students find out about the murder investigation, their reaction is somewhat unnatural - you would expect them to feel curious and anxious to find out about the news.

This is a really good start, and good luck with the rest of you story!
9/1/2011 c1 15disrhythmic
Hey from the RG :)

I like the concept here. The demon hunter (I assume he's a demon hunter, anyway-I could be dead wrong :P) was an interesting character and something I don't see very often. It's refreshing. :)

One critique: your prose is kind of clunky in a lot of places. For example:

[The intense heat the egg emitted scorched her hand and a strange marking was carved into her hand.]

This information is just told in a few words. I think showing would be better here-something like "The egg flared, heating up like a red-hot coal, scorching her hand. She dropped it with a shriek and saw that it had burned a strange marking into her skin." See what I mean? :) It engages the reader more.

It's a neat start. Keep it up! :)
7/31/2009 c2 MidnightMoments
Lol I always find it funny when a character's being told something but he or she just falls asleep. Interesting chapter, only I think Li popped up a bit too quickly... Otherwise nice ^^ Can't wait to read the next chapter!
7/29/2009 c2 Alice Novak
Generally, I admire your plot.

It's actually constructed quite well!

I understand that your writing style leans towards the 'manga' type, but the thing is that the story itself is very vague and hence needs more description..

So.. it would be great to read a revision soon! xx



ps: will you review my story - Seth? XD

See /s/2688293/1/Seth



thx!

x. alyona . iva
7/28/2009 c1 MidnightMoments
I must say that this story has lots of possibilities. It's a really good first chapter. Only some parts didn't make that much sense, like you were missing a word (not that I can do better). Like: how about the two of go on a date this evening

But overall it was pretty good. Keep writing!

Anin

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