for Rewrite8/25/2009 c2 
3scripted
I love Rosa! She's such an adorable character =3
Poor girl, but she's so optimistic and on-cloud-9 that I don't actually think she realises just how poor she is. And this keeps her happy, which I love.
Dev's such a bastard ['scuse the language...but he is], how could he lie AGAIN, after leaving her at the altar? Rosa's too sweet for him...but I can understand why she fell for him. Sorta...
Is she just the sort of character to fall for anyone who makes her laugh/makes her feel special for a bit?
Oh, she's not going to fall for Mr Voice? :L
On that note...that guy is creepy! He saved her though, so I like him. No idea where he's taking this story, but I can't wait to find out.
Update soon!
-scripted
3scriptedI love Rosa! She's such an adorable character =3
Poor girl, but she's so optimistic and on-cloud-9 that I don't actually think she realises just how poor she is. And this keeps her happy, which I love.
Dev's such a bastard ['scuse the language...but he is], how could he lie AGAIN, after leaving her at the altar? Rosa's too sweet for him...but I can understand why she fell for him. Sorta...
Is she just the sort of character to fall for anyone who makes her laugh/makes her feel special for a bit?
Oh, she's not going to fall for Mr Voice? :L
On that note...that guy is creepy! He saved her though, so I like him. No idea where he's taking this story, but I can't wait to find out.
Update soon!
-scripted
8/15/2009 c2 13dancin-in-the-rain
Oh my GOSH.
This was... amazing.
Truly.
I'm still confused, a bit. But, more than alotabit intrigued.
Plus, the whole choppiness adds to the character. Rosa is certainly unstable.
I'm afraid you have me perched on the end of my seat!
I DO hope you update soon.
I have a feeling that 'Mr. Voice' is someone from Rosa's past, that she's forgotten.
So, eh, continue.
Write on. Yes?
All the best,
Kayla
13dancin-in-the-rainOh my GOSH.
This was... amazing.
Truly.
I'm still confused, a bit. But, more than alotabit intrigued.
Plus, the whole choppiness adds to the character. Rosa is certainly unstable.
I'm afraid you have me perched on the end of my seat!
I DO hope you update soon.
I have a feeling that 'Mr. Voice' is someone from Rosa's past, that she's forgotten.
So, eh, continue.
Write on. Yes?
All the best,
Kayla
8/14/2009 c1 K. Weaver
You have a very creative writing style, and I like it a lot! It purposely makes the reader slow down and catch every detail.
"Mister Voice has said something over four words!" wording sounds a little awkward. maybe "Mister Voice has said more than four words!" ?
You've convinced me to read more! It's so interesting!
You have a very creative writing style, and I like it a lot! It purposely makes the reader slow down and catch every detail.
"Mister Voice has said something over four words!" wording sounds a little awkward. maybe "Mister Voice has said more than four words!" ?
You've convinced me to read more! It's so interesting!
8/13/2009 c2 30sophiesix
love the daydream and the bottle cap and the freda/rosa thing. and the [mm, power]. especially the daydream though lol. and yay random guy (mr voice), i was getting afraid we might not get to see (hear) from him this chapter. it all hangs together nicely, except the hospital bit that seemed a bit orphan. no brain stretchy bits [i'm getting smarter :D)
30sophiesixlove the daydream and the bottle cap and the freda/rosa thing. and the [mm, power]. especially the daydream though lol. and yay random guy (mr voice), i was getting afraid we might not get to see (hear) from him this chapter. it all hangs together nicely, except the hospital bit that seemed a bit orphan. no brain stretchy bits [i'm getting smarter :D)
8/12/2009 c2 4Frayling0
Brilliant! You are an amazing author, with a unique writing style like no other I've seen - in a good way! Your characters are realistic too, I don't think you could flesh them out any more if you tried. All in all, I thoroughly enjoyed this, and can't wait for another chappie! ~ Luke
4Frayling0Brilliant! You are an amazing author, with a unique writing style like no other I've seen - in a good way! Your characters are realistic too, I don't think you could flesh them out any more if you tried. All in all, I thoroughly enjoyed this, and can't wait for another chappie! ~ Luke
8/11/2009 c2 19S. M. Saves
Now I know why this reminded me of Dorothy Parker! It reminded me of her story "The Telephone Call". Dev tells her that he'll be there but he doesn't show just like how the narrator in Parker's story is told that she'll be called and she sits by the phone for hours and he doesn't call. :D
Mr. Voice is intriguing. I like how he's mysterious but still human. (Like when he says "It's complicated." and doesn't give her straight answers because he doesn't even know why he's stalking her.)
I was a little confused in the beginning. Actually, I kind of forgot there was a beginning to this chapter because the second half totally over shadowed it. In the beginning, it sounded like she was in a hospital, like a psych ward for awhile. Did that occur prior to the events in chapter one or after?
Ack! A cliffhanger! NO! O.o Must read more! I shall stalk this story with the "Story Alert" option!
19S. M. SavesNow I know why this reminded me of Dorothy Parker! It reminded me of her story "The Telephone Call". Dev tells her that he'll be there but he doesn't show just like how the narrator in Parker's story is told that she'll be called and she sits by the phone for hours and he doesn't call. :D
Mr. Voice is intriguing. I like how he's mysterious but still human. (Like when he says "It's complicated." and doesn't give her straight answers because he doesn't even know why he's stalking her.)
I was a little confused in the beginning. Actually, I kind of forgot there was a beginning to this chapter because the second half totally over shadowed it. In the beginning, it sounded like she was in a hospital, like a psych ward for awhile. Did that occur prior to the events in chapter one or after?
Ack! A cliffhanger! NO! O.o Must read more! I shall stalk this story with the "Story Alert" option!
8/11/2009 c1 S. M. Saves
This piece had a bit of a Dorothy Parker flare to it. I don't necessarily know how because Parker tends to be very sarcastic whereas the sarcasm to this piece is kept at a minimum. Maybe it's the character Rosa who reminds me of Ms. Parker. Hm.
Spontaneous, yes but it's a different spontaneous than Dropping Stars. (I was expecting shopping carts though. LOL!) At first I though she had jumped when her phone went off and she was talking to Mister Voice while she was free falling. I had to go back and reread that part to realize that she managed to answer the phone before jumping. Some confusion at some moments but a quick reread through solved most of it. Although, I do like how this piece makes one think, (What belonged in the church?, etc).
I'm afraid to give critiques because you're style is so different from my own and other writers. I couldn't be like "Stop being so confusing!" or "Describe the surroundings!" because that's just your style. :)
I'm gonna stop rambling now and continue to the next chapter.
This piece had a bit of a Dorothy Parker flare to it. I don't necessarily know how because Parker tends to be very sarcastic whereas the sarcasm to this piece is kept at a minimum. Maybe it's the character Rosa who reminds me of Ms. Parker. Hm.
Spontaneous, yes but it's a different spontaneous than Dropping Stars. (I was expecting shopping carts though. LOL!) At first I though she had jumped when her phone went off and she was talking to Mister Voice while she was free falling. I had to go back and reread that part to realize that she managed to answer the phone before jumping. Some confusion at some moments but a quick reread through solved most of it. Although, I do like how this piece makes one think, (What belonged in the church?, etc).
I'm afraid to give critiques because you're style is so different from my own and other writers. I couldn't be like "Stop being so confusing!" or "Describe the surroundings!" because that's just your style. :)
I'm gonna stop rambling now and continue to the next chapter.
8/10/2009 c2 1melaniekbeatrice
This is art. Again, your brackets make me really happy. And these lines:
"She did not answer her phone for the rest of the day, secretly smiling when it would ring.
You mis me…
[M, power.]"
They just...wow. Just wow. That's all I've got for you. Your characters are so real. So, so real. I don't know if it's the emotion or just the littlest things (like pulling on her ear lobe), but they just reek realness.
I like this one - LOTS.
1melaniekbeatriceThis is art. Again, your brackets make me really happy. And these lines:
"She did not answer her phone for the rest of the day, secretly smiling when it would ring.
You mis me…
[M, power.]"
They just...wow. Just wow. That's all I've got for you. Your characters are so real. So, so real. I don't know if it's the emotion or just the littlest things (like pulling on her ear lobe), but they just reek realness.
I like this one - LOTS.
8/10/2009 c1 4Frayling0
Great dialogue and humour, you have such a beautiful writing style, I'm really impressed. promising start, this seems really interesting. Great work! ~ Luke, Roadhouse
4Frayling0Great dialogue and humour, you have such a beautiful writing style, I'm really impressed. promising start, this seems really interesting. Great work! ~ Luke, Roadhouse
8/10/2009 c2 2anabsenceofcreativity
I really like the little extracts that start this (and last) chapter. Really helps to set a tone from the off-set. Again, there were times when I got a bit confused by the way this is written, but its worth it to read something that feels so refreshingly original. Rosa is certainly an interesting, potentially crazy, character. I love the way you portray her thoughts and I can't wait to see what happens with Mr. Voice.
I really like the little slices of humour that lace this: "bed hair strung crazily over her face with one brave ear poking out from the mess."
And this was probably my favourite line:
"“Do you love me?”
He pays the check and leaves her at the table."
Not sure if this is a typo or not:
"and then it flew it away."
Anyways, keep up the good work.
~ aoc
2anabsenceofcreativityI really like the little extracts that start this (and last) chapter. Really helps to set a tone from the off-set. Again, there were times when I got a bit confused by the way this is written, but its worth it to read something that feels so refreshingly original. Rosa is certainly an interesting, potentially crazy, character. I love the way you portray her thoughts and I can't wait to see what happens with Mr. Voice.
I really like the little slices of humour that lace this: "bed hair strung crazily over her face with one brave ear poking out from the mess."
And this was probably my favourite line:
"“Do you love me?”
He pays the check and leaves her at the table."
Not sure if this is a typo or not:
"and then it flew it away."
Anyways, keep up the good work.
~ aoc
8/10/2009 c1 anabsenceofcreativity
Alrighty. This was completely different to anything I have read on FP. The way you have written it was very fast-paced and erratic, which was a good move considering the fragile mental state of this woman. There were bits where I got a bit lost in what was happening but probably 'cause it took a while to get used to your style.
"which made her like look like a deranged dancing marshmallow" - a very strange, but strangely awesome simile.
"But if her eyes were laughing and her heart was smiling who was she to tell the sky to stop?" Another strange, but effective image. Makes me imagine Rosa is on drugs or something.
Anyways, I'm interested to see where this goes.
~ aoc
Alrighty. This was completely different to anything I have read on FP. The way you have written it was very fast-paced and erratic, which was a good move considering the fragile mental state of this woman. There were bits where I got a bit lost in what was happening but probably 'cause it took a while to get used to your style.
"which made her like look like a deranged dancing marshmallow" - a very strange, but strangely awesome simile.
"But if her eyes were laughing and her heart was smiling who was she to tell the sky to stop?" Another strange, but effective image. Makes me imagine Rosa is on drugs or something.
Anyways, I'm interested to see where this goes.
~ aoc
8/10/2009 c2 9Sakina the Fallen Angel
At last, I manage to get to this gem! I was wondering how you were going to continue on from last chapter, and I think you've really made this chapter work. You mentioned a few times that Rosa couldn't remember who she was ~ am I right in taking it in a metaphorical way rather than a literal way?
The bracketed comments added a touch of sarcasm and wit, which often made me chuckle, and I am intrigued to find out more about the nature of the r'ship between Rosa and Dev, and also about the mysterious voice...
~ Sakina x
9Sakina the Fallen AngelAt last, I manage to get to this gem! I was wondering how you were going to continue on from last chapter, and I think you've really made this chapter work. You mentioned a few times that Rosa couldn't remember who she was ~ am I right in taking it in a metaphorical way rather than a literal way?
The bracketed comments added a touch of sarcasm and wit, which often made me chuckle, and I am intrigued to find out more about the nature of the r'ship between Rosa and Dev, and also about the mysterious voice...
~ Sakina x
8/9/2009 c2 7clay-heart
I enjoyed the later part of this chapter, with the creeper. The back-and-forth dialogue really kept the pace up. I also like the formatting you use. Very interesting.
The first half, however, could use a little touch-up. This is something I have problems with too: fuzzy phrasing. I don't think that's a real term, but it's what I call it when a particular grouping of words doesn't come across strong enough. Example:
"But Rosa knew she used to think a lot of things before she forgot everything and ended up in a hospital..." (This sentence is also too long. You may want to break it up into smaller ones)
-Anyway, compare the above section to the one below, which carries the same meaning but in a different degree:
But, Rosa used to think a lot of things before she forgot everything, and ended up in a hospital."
Be careful that you don't let your sentences become rambling sentences, and watch for wordiness, and being too descriptive about events, like the following:
"After forgiving Missy for her blunder—even though Rosa had to admit it wasn’t too bad once she just made it into a regular sandwich—she said good-bye to her friend and ran off to catch the bus. After two buses, a ride from a friendly old man, and going on the subway, Rosa came to her destination."
-What the reader needs to know here is that she forgave Missy and that she arrived at the restaurant. The rest can be chopped. Unless, of course, the two buses, the friendly old man, or the subway are important later. That's something I wouldn't know.
Good work on the story! Keep it up! =)
7clay-heartI enjoyed the later part of this chapter, with the creeper. The back-and-forth dialogue really kept the pace up. I also like the formatting you use. Very interesting.
The first half, however, could use a little touch-up. This is something I have problems with too: fuzzy phrasing. I don't think that's a real term, but it's what I call it when a particular grouping of words doesn't come across strong enough. Example:
"But Rosa knew she used to think a lot of things before she forgot everything and ended up in a hospital..." (This sentence is also too long. You may want to break it up into smaller ones)
-Anyway, compare the above section to the one below, which carries the same meaning but in a different degree:
But, Rosa used to think a lot of things before she forgot everything, and ended up in a hospital."
Be careful that you don't let your sentences become rambling sentences, and watch for wordiness, and being too descriptive about events, like the following:
"After forgiving Missy for her blunder—even though Rosa had to admit it wasn’t too bad once she just made it into a regular sandwich—she said good-bye to her friend and ran off to catch the bus. After two buses, a ride from a friendly old man, and going on the subway, Rosa came to her destination."
-What the reader needs to know here is that she forgave Missy and that she arrived at the restaurant. The rest can be chopped. Unless, of course, the two buses, the friendly old man, or the subway are important later. That's something I wouldn't know.
Good work on the story! Keep it up! =)
8/9/2009 c2 painted eyes
Heh, I really liked “Birds think they own everything.” for some reason, made me smile.
Uch, Dev is so horrible, she should get together with Jack... is he her stalker? Ach, guess I'll just have to wait and see.
Keep up the good work!
~painted
Heh, I really liked “Birds think they own everything.” for some reason, made me smile.
Uch, Dev is so horrible, she should get together with Jack... is he her stalker? Ach, guess I'll just have to wait and see.
Keep up the good work!
~painted
8/9/2009 c2 Brenda Agaro
Don't worry about using the songs I suggested to you. You don't have to use them. :-)
As for the chapter issues, you can outlined them ahead if you want. It helps to plan them out (write small summaries for each of them, notes, etc.) and it would prevent blocks.
I really like your use of dashes, ellipses, and brackets. It brings out a good flow. Also, good characterization and interaction.
I noticed that there are some repetitions of the word "stopped." I can suggest finding synonyms for at least one of them.
Corrections:
"You haven’t noticed you’re wearing wedding dress out here?" a between you're and wearing.
"—" Unless it's intentional, there should be an extra t before thinking.
"Her uniform was gone, her other Rosa back, coat hanging onto her for dear life while the wind kept tugging at it, and a her feet were crossed over the cement beneath her toes." I believe it's and her feet were crossed over.
"But she knew if Jack came a long with the foolhardy reason why Dev didn’t show up then she would manifest a gun out of thin air and shoot him." along.
Don't worry about using the songs I suggested to you. You don't have to use them. :-)
As for the chapter issues, you can outlined them ahead if you want. It helps to plan them out (write small summaries for each of them, notes, etc.) and it would prevent blocks.
I really like your use of dashes, ellipses, and brackets. It brings out a good flow. Also, good characterization and interaction.
I noticed that there are some repetitions of the word "stopped." I can suggest finding synonyms for at least one of them.
Corrections:
"You haven’t noticed you’re wearing wedding dress out here?" a between you're and wearing.
"—" Unless it's intentional, there should be an extra t before thinking.
"Her uniform was gone, her other Rosa back, coat hanging onto her for dear life while the wind kept tugging at it, and a her feet were crossed over the cement beneath her toes." I believe it's and her feet were crossed over.
"But she knew if Jack came a long with the foolhardy reason why Dev didn’t show up then she would manifest a gun out of thin air and shoot him." along.