for Veritas Lux Mea6/24/2010 c2 
12lianoid
Shit, eh? This was a damn good read. You’re really talented with writing suspense, action, and mystery. Man, the gore was perfect. I used to be so squeamish when it came to blood and violence in stories, but after writing a few scenes of my own, and reading some amazing works on here, I’ve gradually warmed up to it. Man, I read this one straight through, I was so engrossed. You always end off your chapters with such wicked cliffhangers. Normally I would commend you for it, but you haven’t come back to this one in like, a year! I want to know what happened! Oh, you’re too good. Really, you’re just amazing.
The fact that this is sci-fi and I’m enjoying it... that says a lot. Your characters were interesting, the descriptions were wonderful, tone and pacing were perfect; everything was spot on. Excellent job with this. I really hope you come back to this one as well. The length was great too. With stories on FP, if I see it’s long I usually groan and try to valiantly plug on, but after the first couple of paragraphs I can usually tell if I’ll enjoy it or not. This one I really enjoyed, and your writing is as wonderful as ever, so don’t worry about the length. You’re writing a story not a bloody brochure.
(I’m reading the other reviews and giving my opinions on them as well). I think him waking up and thinking he was blind was believable. When I wake up I don’t normally think of my body right away. The first sensation I have is vision, and if I woke up to find that I couldn’t see, I would definitely think it was blind. On the other hand, he might have felt the fabric on his face, so you might consider changing it to something being over only his eyes (I think something was covering his entire face, I can’t remember; so forgive me if it *was* only over his eyes). But it really doesn’t matter to me. Not everything has to be 100% realistic. I’m here to read a story not pick apart every aspect of realism/believability.
Depending on how long the people were dead for, one wouldn’t notice the temperature drop. I did my own research on dead bodies (which was not pleasant, I will tell you now) and the body’s temperature drops about 1.7 degrees F per hour depending on the elements (i.e. is the body outside, how warm or cold is it in the room, et cetera); so I think you’re okay with him not knowing the person was dead. The only thing that might be an issue, although a lot of people don’t address this (myself included), is that at the moment of death the bowels empty. So pretty much the room would smell pretty bad, what with all those dead bodies and their bowels having emptied.
I definitely agree with Xen, I almost wish I didn’t read this because it was so damn good and I want to know what happened. –shakes fist at you– Why do you write such interesting pieces without finishing them, dammit! Ha-ha. =P
12lianoidShit, eh? This was a damn good read. You’re really talented with writing suspense, action, and mystery. Man, the gore was perfect. I used to be so squeamish when it came to blood and violence in stories, but after writing a few scenes of my own, and reading some amazing works on here, I’ve gradually warmed up to it. Man, I read this one straight through, I was so engrossed. You always end off your chapters with such wicked cliffhangers. Normally I would commend you for it, but you haven’t come back to this one in like, a year! I want to know what happened! Oh, you’re too good. Really, you’re just amazing.
The fact that this is sci-fi and I’m enjoying it... that says a lot. Your characters were interesting, the descriptions were wonderful, tone and pacing were perfect; everything was spot on. Excellent job with this. I really hope you come back to this one as well. The length was great too. With stories on FP, if I see it’s long I usually groan and try to valiantly plug on, but after the first couple of paragraphs I can usually tell if I’ll enjoy it or not. This one I really enjoyed, and your writing is as wonderful as ever, so don’t worry about the length. You’re writing a story not a bloody brochure.
(I’m reading the other reviews and giving my opinions on them as well). I think him waking up and thinking he was blind was believable. When I wake up I don’t normally think of my body right away. The first sensation I have is vision, and if I woke up to find that I couldn’t see, I would definitely think it was blind. On the other hand, he might have felt the fabric on his face, so you might consider changing it to something being over only his eyes (I think something was covering his entire face, I can’t remember; so forgive me if it *was* only over his eyes). But it really doesn’t matter to me. Not everything has to be 100% realistic. I’m here to read a story not pick apart every aspect of realism/believability.
Depending on how long the people were dead for, one wouldn’t notice the temperature drop. I did my own research on dead bodies (which was not pleasant, I will tell you now) and the body’s temperature drops about 1.7 degrees F per hour depending on the elements (i.e. is the body outside, how warm or cold is it in the room, et cetera); so I think you’re okay with him not knowing the person was dead. The only thing that might be an issue, although a lot of people don’t address this (myself included), is that at the moment of death the bowels empty. So pretty much the room would smell pretty bad, what with all those dead bodies and their bowels having emptied.
I definitely agree with Xen, I almost wish I didn’t read this because it was so damn good and I want to know what happened. –shakes fist at you– Why do you write such interesting pieces without finishing them, dammit! Ha-ha. =P
6/24/2010 c1 lianoid
I like how you begin a lot of your stories with dialogue. Okay, maybe only two that I’ve read so far, but I’m a fan of it anyway. I love when a writer dumps me into a story. It’s a great way to grab my attention, I find, and usually ensures I keep on reading. This unfortunately is not my type of preferred genre. Science Fiction rarely interests me, unless it’s coupled with Fantasy. We shall see though, I’m always willing to give it another chance.
I am confused, but it’s a good confused. In the beginning I was a little unsure, but again your mastery of weaving intrigue has overpowered me. I want to know what the hell happened, and the last line was perfect. Really sent chills up my spine.
I like how you begin a lot of your stories with dialogue. Okay, maybe only two that I’ve read so far, but I’m a fan of it anyway. I love when a writer dumps me into a story. It’s a great way to grab my attention, I find, and usually ensures I keep on reading. This unfortunately is not my type of preferred genre. Science Fiction rarely interests me, unless it’s coupled with Fantasy. We shall see though, I’m always willing to give it another chance.
I am confused, but it’s a good confused. In the beginning I was a little unsure, but again your mastery of weaving intrigue has overpowered me. I want to know what the hell happened, and the last line was perfect. Really sent chills up my spine.
12/28/2009 c1 Experiment101
So I knew I would be hooked when I read the word "space ship" in the summary, and wasn't dissapointed! Im excited to read on and find out whats going on!
So I knew I would be hooked when I read the word "space ship" in the summary, and wasn't dissapointed! Im excited to read on and find out whats going on!
10/23/2009 c2 9Narq
Oh wow, that vague start was certainly worth it!
This chapter was fully action-packed and it was so wonderful! I kept on reading every word and I was shooting through the page at fast pace!
Wonderful! and the dialogue was really 'intelligent' too!
Narq.
9NarqOh wow, that vague start was certainly worth it!
This chapter was fully action-packed and it was so wonderful! I kept on reading every word and I was shooting through the page at fast pace!
Wonderful! and the dialogue was really 'intelligent' too!
Narq.
10/20/2009 c1 Narq
Yeah... a bit confused, but i think you could tease it out better if we knew who was talking, even the "woman/man" would be good, or the cliched, "shadowed people" :wink"
Narq.
Yeah... a bit confused, but i think you could tease it out better if we knew who was talking, even the "woman/man" would be good, or the cliched, "shadowed people" :wink"
Narq.
10/19/2009 c2 1xenolith
Oh my god! Why is there not more to this story! Why did I read it! It's not his fault! Or is it? Gah. Well I'm not one for sci-fi or horror but now you've got me hooked on both :) I thought that the teaser was so great, I wasn't expecting it to cut to the kid and all that. Very fun to read. I think you portrayed his fear well, it wasn't ott or anything and it was like I could feel it too. Oh and I gotta say the 'violence, gore and porfanity' in the summary drew me in, great advertising!
1xenolithOh my god! Why is there not more to this story! Why did I read it! It's not his fault! Or is it? Gah. Well I'm not one for sci-fi or horror but now you've got me hooked on both :) I thought that the teaser was so great, I wasn't expecting it to cut to the kid and all that. Very fun to read. I think you portrayed his fear well, it wasn't ott or anything and it was like I could feel it too. Oh and I gotta say the 'violence, gore and porfanity' in the summary drew me in, great advertising!
10/15/2009 c2 Spurlunk
I like this. It's really intriguing, seems like a scifi action thriller movie. I especially liked how you ended this chapter, it's a real cliffhanger. Keep writing, I'll be back!
I like this. It's really intriguing, seems like a scifi action thriller movie. I especially liked how you ended this chapter, it's a real cliffhanger. Keep writing, I'll be back!
8/2/2009 c2 5XeeWrites
A few things confused me here. The first was how he woke up and thought he was blind. Wouldn't he have noticed first that he couldn't move/was bound? After all, waking up to find the world pitch black isn't unusual. Waking up to find your arms and legs tied is.
The second was the dead person he touched. His hands traveled up his arm, all the way to is neck, before he realized he was dead. So wouldn't he have noticed that the mas was stark cold and completely lifeless? Even sleeping people make noises and tiny movements, and having been in darkness so long he would have been more sensitive to them.
However, I loved the pace of the story and the ending of this chapter definitely leaves me wanting to read more.
5XeeWritesA few things confused me here. The first was how he woke up and thought he was blind. Wouldn't he have noticed first that he couldn't move/was bound? After all, waking up to find the world pitch black isn't unusual. Waking up to find your arms and legs tied is.
The second was the dead person he touched. His hands traveled up his arm, all the way to is neck, before he realized he was dead. So wouldn't he have noticed that the mas was stark cold and completely lifeless? Even sleeping people make noises and tiny movements, and having been in darkness so long he would have been more sensitive to them.
However, I loved the pace of the story and the ending of this chapter definitely leaves me wanting to read more.
8/2/2009 c2 Elementer
I loved the ending. The dialogue, it was very realistic. You also give an amazing amount of detail, It's lines like this:
"He watched the burly man walk slowly around the room, looking carefully from body to body and grimacing on occasion."
That keep me reading. Detail is very important in science fiction and you have that down pat.
A serial killer on the ship. While not the most original plot you make it fresh and interesting.
The length is kind of a turn off too. While I love a god sci-fi epic, I tend to get bored if it looks long. That may be just me, but I'm sure there are other like that.
In all a great read.
9.7 out 10.
P.S the name is cool too. "The truth enlightens me"
I loved the ending. The dialogue, it was very realistic. You also give an amazing amount of detail, It's lines like this:
"He watched the burly man walk slowly around the room, looking carefully from body to body and grimacing on occasion."
That keep me reading. Detail is very important in science fiction and you have that down pat.
A serial killer on the ship. While not the most original plot you make it fresh and interesting.
The length is kind of a turn off too. While I love a god sci-fi epic, I tend to get bored if it looks long. That may be just me, but I'm sure there are other like that.
In all a great read.
9.7 out 10.
P.S the name is cool too. "The truth enlightens me"
8/1/2009 c2 9Sakina the Fallen Angel
I adore the use of the ship as a setting, because it creates such a claustrphobic edge to this narrative, and also subtly hints at the fact that the murderer must still be on the ship as well, adding to the chill factor. I didn't like your descriptions of the bodies too much, simply because they freaked me out, but then if that's the effect you were going for, then you have succeeded in shocking your readers.
The ending is pretty clever too...so the boy is the only survivor, and therefore has been framed?
On a side note, I don't know why, but this reminds me a bit of Firefly.
~ Sakina x
9Sakina the Fallen AngelI adore the use of the ship as a setting, because it creates such a claustrphobic edge to this narrative, and also subtly hints at the fact that the murderer must still be on the ship as well, adding to the chill factor. I didn't like your descriptions of the bodies too much, simply because they freaked me out, but then if that's the effect you were going for, then you have succeeded in shocking your readers.
The ending is pretty clever too...so the boy is the only survivor, and therefore has been framed?
On a side note, I don't know why, but this reminds me a bit of Firefly.
~ Sakina x
7/23/2009 c1 Danielle Gin
Since like you said in your authors note that this is a teaser, it's definetly done its job. It held my interest pretty well between the death, spaceships, and the mystery of it all. One thing I've got to suggest though, is that since this looks like its going to be a high scifi story, you need to make sure that you describe the settings really well. Because even if it's an out of this world mystery thriller, the reader needs to at least know where the characters are. Other than that, nice work. There's lots of potential to work with here.
Since like you said in your authors note that this is a teaser, it's definetly done its job. It held my interest pretty well between the death, spaceships, and the mystery of it all. One thing I've got to suggest though, is that since this looks like its going to be a high scifi story, you need to make sure that you describe the settings really well. Because even if it's an out of this world mystery thriller, the reader needs to at least know where the characters are. Other than that, nice work. There's lots of potential to work with here.