for This Is What Happens6/5/2012 c1 
4Nyx'sReincarnation
Amazing story! There were a few things that I was going to complain about, but I can see why they happened now. The only thing was, the fight at the end and the part leading up to it (the betrayal) (which should have been one of the main points) was a bit lacking in details. I can't believe Victoria died in the end! Her death made it all seem more realistic though.
Keep up the great work!
4Nyx'sReincarnationAmazing story! There were a few things that I was going to complain about, but I can see why they happened now. The only thing was, the fight at the end and the part leading up to it (the betrayal) (which should have been one of the main points) was a bit lacking in details. I can't believe Victoria died in the end! Her death made it all seem more realistic though.
Keep up the great work!
3/28/2010 c1 Julie G
Finally!I ♥d this book!U shud run it thru spellcheck,Seper8 it into chptrs,then split it into books(Cuz i mean,cum ON!U hav how many plots?)then snd it in1It's THAT gud!xcept the evil thing was akward,u shud use the term Biplar.Cuz that's wut it rilly wuz!Also when they 1st told lynn bout the magic n she freaked n she wntd her 2 bubble her home and ehr car 2,she asked 2 b bubbled home.How she know wut bubbling was called?That logic error rilly bugged me.Otherwise I luvd the book!♥d it!
Finally!I ♥d this book!U shud run it thru spellcheck,Seper8 it into chptrs,then split it into books(Cuz i mean,cum ON!U hav how many plots?)then snd it in1It's THAT gud!xcept the evil thing was akward,u shud use the term Biplar.Cuz that's wut it rilly wuz!Also when they 1st told lynn bout the magic n she freaked n she wntd her 2 bubble her home and ehr car 2,she asked 2 b bubbled home.How she know wut bubbling was called?That logic error rilly bugged me.Otherwise I luvd the book!♥d it!
7/31/2009 c1 soaring glass
First, I want to say that I do not intend this to be a flame. That being said, I'd like to make some suggestions to help you improve as a writer. You have some interesting ideas, but your story fizzles in its execution.
One, I would break this up into separate chapters. I had a hard time reading because it just sort of all gets thrown at me at once. If you do break it up, then you need to spend time with each chapter developing more of the story and the characters. If you look at some of the best and most reviewed stories on fp (those that haven't been taken down because of plagiarism), they have long chapters that are long, involved, and detailed. A change in scene or place does not necessarily deserve or need to be a new chapter. Do some reading on this site and try to observe what authors do to make their stories successful. Expand on your characters and their feelings. Don't just fill in descriptions. Try to make the story come alive so that we as readers experience it with the characters.
Two, please, please, please re-read EVERYTHING before you post. Fix typos. Use a word program that has spell check. Ask your best friend, sister, mother, whoever to read through it to make sure it flows. Read it out loud to yourself to check flow and whether it makes sense. Take pride in what you publish on the internet and on this site. If you want reviews, then you need to do the necessary work to get them. And just because your reviewers use appalling grammar and spelling does not mean you should. Sentences have a subject and verb. You need to use mostly complete, complex sentences in your story. The occasional (very rare) incomplete phrase or exclamation can be used for effect (you do this in your Moone story to great effect in the beginning with "And it was terrifying"). But, these phrases should be used sparingly. If you find yourself using them often, go back and edit and rewrite them as complete sentences. The same thing applies to short choppy sentences (especially those that begin with "I".
Here's an example from your story:
"Just as I was finishing up, and calming down, I heard something a seventeen year old never wants to hear. My name being called by the secretary over the intercom. She said; ‘Willow Afton to the office, your sister is here.’ I wanted to scream. I pulled all my things into my bag and headed to the principals office."
There are several things you can do to this paragraph to make it read better. I would suggest something like this: "I pulled my shirt over my head, admiring the logo on the front for the umpteenth time. I never got tired of seeing Brad Pitt's face (or whoever/whatever is on the shirt). I barely registered the crackling words blaring from our school's ancient PA system until I heard my name. I snapped to attention, a feeling of dread creeping into my stomach.
'Willow Afton, please come to the office immediately.' The secretary words were cool and impersonal, almost bored. Of course, she wasn't the one who had just frozen her entire gym class! What if someone had seen? Feeling slightly sick, I quickly shoved the rest of my stuff in my backpack and slammed my locker door. Then I hurried out of the changing rooms and into the hallway."
Give us more details about her (what is her favorite movie/what's on her shirt). Do not use the word "bestest" when your protagonist is narrating-you want her to sound rational, at least in her own head. Reserve "bestest" for when she's talking to her friends and being cute/joking around. The secretary would never announce that her sister was there over the intercom. Schools generally handle this sort of thing by calling the student to the office and explaining the situation there. You can still have her worry that maybe something is wrong with her family. But she should also be at least a little worried that someone has caught her doing magic in school. How's she going to explain that?
Give us more details. More about what she thinks and feels. Think about how you'd react in the same situation. Use complete sentences to tell us these things.
This is review is getting long, so I'll leave it here. But remember, if you post your stories and expect to get reviews then you have to earn the respect of your readers. Use good grammar and spelling. EDIT, EDIT, EDIT, and EDIT again. Never ever just post something you've written and never looked at again.
And your summary is the way you entice people into reading your story-you need to write something that hooks us in immediately. Do not trail off in the middle of a sentence, do not misspell words (It's the Twilight SERIES of books, and I don't know what "miserious" even is. Perhaps you mean mysterious? Or miserly? Or miserable?). Like with school, spelling counts. You wouldn't buy a book at the bookstore where the summary on the back is full of misspellings and poor grammar. Don't waste your limited space warning us that it's super long. If your story is good, we won't care about that. Your summary content is otherwise okay, though usually it is best to take two or three lines that you really like from your story to grab people's attention. This often works well with a moment you mean to be humorous or shocking. Again, spend some time looking around this site and reading summaries. Note what other authors do that makes you want to read their stories.
Good luck with your stories. I think you have potential if you're willing to put in the time and effort. Good stories are never written quickly.
First, I want to say that I do not intend this to be a flame. That being said, I'd like to make some suggestions to help you improve as a writer. You have some interesting ideas, but your story fizzles in its execution.
One, I would break this up into separate chapters. I had a hard time reading because it just sort of all gets thrown at me at once. If you do break it up, then you need to spend time with each chapter developing more of the story and the characters. If you look at some of the best and most reviewed stories on fp (those that haven't been taken down because of plagiarism), they have long chapters that are long, involved, and detailed. A change in scene or place does not necessarily deserve or need to be a new chapter. Do some reading on this site and try to observe what authors do to make their stories successful. Expand on your characters and their feelings. Don't just fill in descriptions. Try to make the story come alive so that we as readers experience it with the characters.
Two, please, please, please re-read EVERYTHING before you post. Fix typos. Use a word program that has spell check. Ask your best friend, sister, mother, whoever to read through it to make sure it flows. Read it out loud to yourself to check flow and whether it makes sense. Take pride in what you publish on the internet and on this site. If you want reviews, then you need to do the necessary work to get them. And just because your reviewers use appalling grammar and spelling does not mean you should. Sentences have a subject and verb. You need to use mostly complete, complex sentences in your story. The occasional (very rare) incomplete phrase or exclamation can be used for effect (you do this in your Moone story to great effect in the beginning with "And it was terrifying"). But, these phrases should be used sparingly. If you find yourself using them often, go back and edit and rewrite them as complete sentences. The same thing applies to short choppy sentences (especially those that begin with "I".
Here's an example from your story:
"Just as I was finishing up, and calming down, I heard something a seventeen year old never wants to hear. My name being called by the secretary over the intercom. She said; ‘Willow Afton to the office, your sister is here.’ I wanted to scream. I pulled all my things into my bag and headed to the principals office."
There are several things you can do to this paragraph to make it read better. I would suggest something like this: "I pulled my shirt over my head, admiring the logo on the front for the umpteenth time. I never got tired of seeing Brad Pitt's face (or whoever/whatever is on the shirt). I barely registered the crackling words blaring from our school's ancient PA system until I heard my name. I snapped to attention, a feeling of dread creeping into my stomach.
'Willow Afton, please come to the office immediately.' The secretary words were cool and impersonal, almost bored. Of course, she wasn't the one who had just frozen her entire gym class! What if someone had seen? Feeling slightly sick, I quickly shoved the rest of my stuff in my backpack and slammed my locker door. Then I hurried out of the changing rooms and into the hallway."
Give us more details about her (what is her favorite movie/what's on her shirt). Do not use the word "bestest" when your protagonist is narrating-you want her to sound rational, at least in her own head. Reserve "bestest" for when she's talking to her friends and being cute/joking around. The secretary would never announce that her sister was there over the intercom. Schools generally handle this sort of thing by calling the student to the office and explaining the situation there. You can still have her worry that maybe something is wrong with her family. But she should also be at least a little worried that someone has caught her doing magic in school. How's she going to explain that?
Give us more details. More about what she thinks and feels. Think about how you'd react in the same situation. Use complete sentences to tell us these things.
This is review is getting long, so I'll leave it here. But remember, if you post your stories and expect to get reviews then you have to earn the respect of your readers. Use good grammar and spelling. EDIT, EDIT, EDIT, and EDIT again. Never ever just post something you've written and never looked at again.
And your summary is the way you entice people into reading your story-you need to write something that hooks us in immediately. Do not trail off in the middle of a sentence, do not misspell words (It's the Twilight SERIES of books, and I don't know what "miserious" even is. Perhaps you mean mysterious? Or miserly? Or miserable?). Like with school, spelling counts. You wouldn't buy a book at the bookstore where the summary on the back is full of misspellings and poor grammar. Don't waste your limited space warning us that it's super long. If your story is good, we won't care about that. Your summary content is otherwise okay, though usually it is best to take two or three lines that you really like from your story to grab people's attention. This often works well with a moment you mean to be humorous or shocking. Again, spend some time looking around this site and reading summaries. Note what other authors do that makes you want to read their stories.
Good luck with your stories. I think you have potential if you're willing to put in the time and effort. Good stories are never written quickly.
7/29/2009 c1 1Banpaia Bara
O_o wow that is long, have you considered doing NaNoWriMo? You would deffinatly make the 50k word count goal. Good story btw, Ima take a look at your account and see what else is there
~Bara
1Banpaia BaraO_o wow that is long, have you considered doing NaNoWriMo? You would deffinatly make the 50k word count goal. Good story btw, Ima take a look at your account and see what else is there
~Bara
7/29/2009 c1 4Saleinaenachiya
You should really consider breaking this story up by chapters? Re-post only the first chapter, and then add the other chapters to it, because its hard to read a story like this. (when all the chapters are together.)
The beginning confused me, The character development kinda slacks in this story. And The way Willow acts is just kinda unbelievable to me.
It seems a bit like charmed meets twilight? and the first paragraph just kinda throws you off.
It does have potential to be a good story though. I think you need to work on your openings, your description and character development (as well as some plot development)
It seems like this is more of a sequel to another book you have, because of how Willow acts introducing things, and saying why would her sister come, and all this stuff? Its very very chaotic. and hard to follow.
I think you have the foundation to make this a wonderful story, so in no way am i telling you to stop writing you have something here, just try to fine tone it. and think about the chapter thing.
-Kaiyora.
(Sorry if this sounds at all harsh, I never intend for my critique to sound like a flame.)
4SaleinaenachiyaYou should really consider breaking this story up by chapters? Re-post only the first chapter, and then add the other chapters to it, because its hard to read a story like this. (when all the chapters are together.)
The beginning confused me, The character development kinda slacks in this story. And The way Willow acts is just kinda unbelievable to me.
It seems a bit like charmed meets twilight? and the first paragraph just kinda throws you off.
It does have potential to be a good story though. I think you need to work on your openings, your description and character development (as well as some plot development)
It seems like this is more of a sequel to another book you have, because of how Willow acts introducing things, and saying why would her sister come, and all this stuff? Its very very chaotic. and hard to follow.
I think you have the foundation to make this a wonderful story, so in no way am i telling you to stop writing you have something here, just try to fine tone it. and think about the chapter thing.
-Kaiyora.
(Sorry if this sounds at all harsh, I never intend for my critique to sound like a flame.)