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8/12/2009 c1 5Leighton Carrington
It's dark, but I think you wanted to accomplish that. I can tell you wrote this in one sitting though. You're fulfilling your thoughts on paper and in that sense you've nailed it, but if you really want this thing to shine you'll need to make some nitpick adjustments. While you stick to the idea of the poem in every line, the general flow between lines is broken quite often. You don't rhyme. While that's fine, you should try to keep the readers eyes moving consistently I think. for example the second line could very easily be shorted, and the seventh and eighth lines could be lengthened to further reinforce your ideas. That way, the reader will be spending an equal amount of time on each line and that will ultimately give the final, short line much greater meaning. A good poem!

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