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7/8/2012 c18 Guest
Really enjoyed this story
5/9/2010 c18 6Gilee7
Odd first paragraph with the whole dream sequence thing. Is there a point to it? Some symbolic meaning? I have no idea. My brain is operating on very little sleep at the moment.

[The sound of her voice caught him by surprise, as if it were his first time to hear it.] "As if it were his first time to hear it?" That sounds like the kind of sentence those free online translators spit out.

["Are you guys unofficial? If so, I wouldn't mind asking Martha out," Swanson said.

Corbett frowned. He held Martha close and marked his territory with a kiss on the cheek.] I like this for some reason. I find it kind of (gasp!) cute.

[and what she remembered was in pieces that she couldn't really identify what was fact and what was fancy.] Another awkward sentence that makes English sound like your second language. How 'bout, ". . . that she couldn't really identify as fact or fiction?"

[Swanson prowled around the hospital Jim and Hank slept at like a jaguar.] Yet another awkward phrasing. It reads like you're saying Jim and Hank were sleeping like jaguars. Of course, I know that's not what you mean. How about: "Like a jaguar, Swanson prowled the hospital where Jim and Hank slept."

I dislike the paragraph were we flash forward six years into the future. I mean, I guess that allows you to tie everything up, let us know that the culprits are eventually arrested, that Leon and Martha Maria Corbett (I like what you did with her name there) get (re-)married. But still, I don't like it. I'd prefer not to know. Let what happens in his chapter happen in this chapter, instead of resorting to a crystal ball.

[Swanson guffawed.] I think you overuse this verb in your writing. I mean, guffawing is guffawing, but when a word starts to stand out to me because you use it so much, I generally think that's a sign you need to start switching it up a little bit.

["That's deep, Corbett," Swanson said, guffawing.] See? There it is again already.

["Isn't it romantic though?" she said with a sigh. "I wish someone would treat me the way he treats her."

"Well, all you have to do is ask," Swanson said casually as he ate.

Lauren looked up at him. "Matt, would you treat me the way Corbett treats Martha?"

"No," Swanson said, forked up his last piece of steak, and paid for lunch.] This ending made me laugh out loud. And I'm glad you didn't stay too predictable and have these two hook up just so everyone could have their happy little ending.

I started reviewing this chapter two months ago, but never finished it. I wish I had now, because the story was still fresh on my mind. I honestly can't even remember what the climax was anymore. I don't really think there was one. And I've forgotten the motives of Jim and Hank. That whole aspect of the story was very -yawn- anyway. What should have been the exciting part, the whole detective stuff, trying to find the culprits, blah, blah, blah, that part was mostly just paperwork and boring a$$ details. It's almost as if, because you called the police department and they made their job seem so trivial and uneventful, you decided to stay true to that and bore everyone. But readers don't want that, especially with these kinds of stories. Maybe you would've had more fun writing it, too, if you had tried to up the suspense, add a little action, etc., etc.

Still, this story is a romance first, and in that regard it was a little more successful. At least when I think back on this story, I can remember what transpired between Corbett and Martha, Swanson and Kat. And at times in this story I was actually a bit into it, a bit intrigued, although that was mostly early on. I looked up on wikipedia this Rebecca Winters woman, but unfortunately there wasn't a page for the book this story is based on, so I don't know how similar the stories are. Maybe that's where something went wrong, though. Perhaps because it's based on another story, a story that isn't yours, you didn't have quite the freedom or sense of creativity that you would normally have when writing a story. These characters, or at least the essence of them, are the children of someone else's brain. That would probably explain the lack of personality many of them had. Instead of thinking, "how do they act?" you were thinking, "how would they act?" And this story never really felt like a Joan story anyway; it lacked your voice. Perhaps that's because of Mrs. Winters.

Another major problem I had with this story was the shift about halfway through, where Corbett and Martha went from being the main characters to being secondary characters. It was as if you realized their story was already essentially over, so you had to switch to Swanson and Kat, force a bit of a romance between them, just to keep the story moving. It was very jarring, and although I liked Swanson's character more than anyone else in the story, he never felt important, so the time we spend with him in the second half feels like a waste- especially when he was barely even present in the entire first half.

I really dislike the whole break-up, playing-hard-to-get crap that took place in this chapter between Martha and Corbett. That also felt forced, especially for a last chapter. Maybe if it had happened earlier on it would've worked much better, while also adding a little more intrigue to their storyline. (As opposed to Martha just feeling lonely and trapped in her own house all day, with an occasional love-making session between her and Corbett.) It felt like a very contrived attempt at cuteness.

Martha's unique situation involving her memory loss should have provided several very interesting scenarios. And you hinted at the psychology of it here and there throughout the story, but you never dived into it as much as you should have. That was probably my biggest disappointment with this story: the lack of depth.

Since this was your first attempt at a "page-turner," as you put it- which I'd disgree with, since Windless is a page-turner in its own right- you really didn't seem to allow yourself to have fun with it, which is probably why it's such a boring read. Embrace the genre, make fun of stereotypes, let things get smutty, have Corbett fool around with Kat early on, stuff like that. Just get down and dirty and roll all in it. It's like you set out to write a plot-driven novel, then decided to make it more character-driven after you'd already started. Problem is, the characters are lifeless and the plot is dull. So it's a lose-lose.

However, even with all the bashing I've done of this story, if someone else on FP had written it, I'd probably be priasing it. I still wouldn't love it, of course, but it isn't really all THAT bad. It's just, I hold you in higher regard because I know you're capable of so much better.

The most important thing is you finished it. You tried something new. You went outside your comfort zone. And for that, I applaud you.

Write on, babe.
4/5/2010 c18 Brenda Agaro
I just did some quick research on the book this story is based on. XD Sorry, but I laughed at loud at the similarities at some of the character names [ex: "Corbitt" and "Martha".] Yes, I am random. XD

Well, this was an okay story overall. Of course, it needs more work (I'm sure you know), but congratulate yourself on finishing this story. There are a lot of Fiction Press writers, and aspiring writers in general, who don't finish a story for a LONG time (I'm guilty of this habit), so yeah, I admire your effort.

Ha ha at the ending (what Swanson said.) XP
4/5/2010 c17 Brenda Agaro
Sorry, forgot to mention that half of the previous review is about chapter 17. :X
4/5/2010 c16 Brenda Agaro
The interaction between Martha and Corbett felt contrived. It felt, to me, something out of a soap opera or cheesy romance novel, but only in these few last chapters. I'm seeing a bit of development with Martha, although more could be worked on in that area. I have issues with character development (still working on it), so it's understandable.

And the suspense seems to have dwindled. Maybe if realistic action was added to bring tension to the case...

There's something in Chapter 16 that really disrupted the flow for me:

{"Have a wonderful day," the girl said. She watched the two smile and head out holding hands. She had just broken up with her boyfriend the day before, and though things like that should have depressed her, she didn't feel down at all. Instead, she spent the rest of the day wondering when she would have something like that, and by something like that, she meant hot sex in a dressing room.} Is she going to return later on in the story? Otherwise, the sentences about summarizing her backstory could be dropped. It's pretty much unnecessary info-dumping/not relevant to the plot.
4/5/2010 c15 Brenda Agaro
Okay, I'm going to be honest here. This story got boring for me. Not much action is going on other than dialogue, and the characters are starting to become dull. I'm not an avid reader of the mystery/crime genre (except for Jodi Picoult), so I'm not sure about the accuracy of the situation in this story (reading the new summary you posted got me iffy - the book you based this on, that is. Sorry.) Sorry if I'm being negative. I don't like to be harsh, but I have to be honest, and I did read the previous chapters a couple of weeks ago, but didn't have time to review. I'll still read and review this story (when I'm finished with the last chapter), as I personally think it's rude not to. This story seem interesting at first, but it started to go downhill. I apologize. -_-'

I would like to see more character development. I noticed that as I read, it started to lack, especially Martha. The interaction, with Corbett (at this point), is also lacking. I'm not sure if that's intentional, but there's not a lot of tension to me that way. Same with the other characters. Sorry if I'm not making much sense. :X

{Drummond signaled at the chairs, and ran out to pack up. He returned with some drinks and pizza.} These sentences, I think, could be stronger with imagery. Use sensory details if you can. Instead of "He returned with some drinks and pizza", how about something like "Minutes passed before he returned, the aroma of cheese and pepperoni surrounding the room." Also, how did the pizza taste like? Describe Lauren's reaction - does it taste like styrofoam, like Drummond said?

There are other sentences that could be reworded. The one above is an example.
3/4/2010 c8 Brenda Agaro
Okay, there are one too many "said" in the dialogue of this chapter (the beginning.) I can suggest replacing some of them with another word. And I have to repeat this (sorry): too many dialogue tags. Drop some of them, Martha and Corbett are the only ones speaking at the time. I like the interaction between them in this chapter; it develops their character and relationship more. Corbett's thought process was well written.

And the plot thickens with Lauren finding out more about the case.

{he said, and started washing his hand over his hair,} "washing his hand" confused me. Shouldn't it be something like "running his hand", or is he clearing his hand after coughing? If it's correct, then disregard this. I'm just confused. :X
3/4/2010 c7 Brenda Agaro
I won't lie. I'm not a fan of Harlequinn or some of mainstream romance. But I see what you mean in your author's notes. Everyone has their own guilty pleasures. XD

Martha's diary entry was well written. I like the part about yes and no, and the ATM machine.

I noticed that you "head hopped" in this chapter (transitioning from the scene with Martha thinking about Corbett after he left, and then Corbett at the Donut store. Not a big deal since I've seen that in some books, but a page break could help prevent confusion.

I'm curious about the dialogue between Mrs. Openshaw and Corbett. For some reason it feels a bit fillerish, but I figured that it's added in this chapter for character development. But the part about Hanky's tooth was humorous.

The dialogue between Mr. Kraus and Mrs. Landon has too many dialogue tags. I can suggest cutting some of them down, especially since they talked to each other for one part.

This was an interesting chapter, although I can't help but feel that it was fillerish, and the Donut store scene could be either cut out or implied in a short paragraph. Then again, it's been a while since I've read this story, so correct me if I'm wrong. :X
2/25/2010 c17 Gilee7
The words have been slow this week, so I thought, instead of just staring at my monitor like a brain-washed ape, I'd review the last couple chapters of this story. Sometimes reading and reviewing your stuff helps inspires me to go write. Maybe it'll work this time, too.

[When you go to prison, you'll be the closest thing to a girl those felons have seen in years.] That's why I'm afraid of prison. I'd be the hottest piece of ass in there.

Wait, are you kidding me? We finally get a bit of action in this story, and it happens "off-screen?" WTF?

Okay, that whole dialogue about the gun and the feeling one gets when holding it, I like what's being said, I like the idea behind the words, the message, all that . . . But, c'mon, are you seriously telling us that Martha remembers every single word that Allen said? No way. Hell, I just read it ten seconds ago and I couldn't repeat it with that level of detail, and certainly not verbatim. No human could. Not with all those words. Plus the dialogue itself is too stuffy, too unnatural.

["How do you want your revenge served? Hot or cold?"] This is corny, just like Lauren's earlier comment about her shotgun being her boyfriend. However, despite the corniness, I actually like these little snippets of dialogue. They add "spunk." They make me feel like I'm in a detective, pulpy, noir-like story, which is more appealing than this romance/checkbook.

Only one more chapter left. It certainly doesn't feel like it. We're just limping along to the finish line.

I'm disappointed that the break-in that occurred at Corbett's house took place "off-screen," so to speak. Why not tack that onto the end of the previous chapter? You wouldn't even have to go into a lot of detail. Just have the break-in happen, Martha running upstairs to lock herself in the bedroom, Corbett getting ready to kick ass . . . That would be a great cliff-hanger, the kind that makes people decided to devote more of their immediate time by reading on to see what happens. Then you could summarize it like you did here, with Lauren and Swanson arriving on the scene afterwards.

I somewhat liked the middle of the chapter, where Martha's revealing some of her memory, talking about Allen, and Corbett starts to understand just how much pressure Martha has been under. ("There was an immense pressure on her. She might have fulfilled his need to have his wife back, but lose this new part of herself in the process, and maybe even suffer the same restless marriage all over again. Maybe she liked who she was now and wanted him to like her, too. Maybe she was afraid that she wouldn't be able to live up to her own memory.") Some of the dialogue was too stuffy and unnatural, but overall it was a solid scene. Then, of course, after the paragraph I just pasted-which was quite well-written- we revert back to sexual flirting and mushiness. Disappointing.

I liked Swanson being a badass, but the ending between he and Lauren, where they go shopping together and then he gets drunk, well, that part seemed flat.

I figured this chapter would've had more punch, more fight. At some point I must've missed the climax, though. Seems like everything the story was bulding toward just kind of happened with a yawn.
2/12/2010 c16 Guest
I may seem a little distracted during this review, since I've got numerous windows open downloading porn. Nothing like multi-tasking!

[“If I find out that stupid rich kid raped and killed this girl, I’m going to feed him to Johnson. He won’t see the light of day.”] Too detective cliché.

[Lauren accidentally snapped her pencil] Nice awareness here, having her snap her pencil while thinking about the killer and what all he may have done.

[Corbett incredulously went off to do some packing himself] Hate the use of "incredulously" here. Cut it.

[Martha’s eyes nearly fluttered closed.] Oh, God.

[Corbett raised his fingers to his lips, and found lipstick all over them.] His lips or his fingertips?

[She had just broken up with her boyfriend the day before, and though things like that should have depressed her, she didn’t feel down at all. Instead, she spent the rest of the day wondering when she would have something like that, and by something like that, she meant hot sex in a dressing room.] This is completely pointless and useless information. We don't need to know what the cashier is thinking or anything about her social status. Delete this.

[and the manager sold some bud] My kind of guy!

[She felt like a baby adopted by a bunch of grizzly bears.] LOL. Nice analogy.

[The door opened and laughing and yelling poured out] Wouldn't "laughter and yells" be more appropriate?

God, this chapter made me nearly barf. This is by far the mushiest Corbett and Martha have been toward one another. And they continue to feel completely pointless. You hinted that Martha's memory is returning, but the rest of their parts were just the usual touchy-feely stuff. This story was never going to be a favorite of mine, but why did you get so lazy once you were so close to the finish life? This story feels over already. And I talked about in the last chapter, and it continues to be the case: Kat and Swanson suddenly became the main characters after mostly being ignored through the first half of the story. Doesn't make sense.

Now to go back to my porn . . .
2/11/2010 c15 Gilee7
[A gold and bloody sunset filtered into the office] Nice description. I love the choice of "bloody."

[“I’m too tired to play hide the salami with you.”] LOL.

[“He’s never dead,” she said, her cornflower blue eyes filling with the sun’s buttery, golden rays.] This made me laugh, especially with the "cornflower blue eyes" part.

[Martha skimmed it and read the paragraph that expounded on the heroine’s tensions.] It annoys the hell out of me when people admit to skipping or skimming sections of a book. I've always been one to read every single sentence, even if I feel like I'm waterboarding myself.

Our sudden immersion into the romance novel Martha's reading was kinda funny. That actually sounded like a very entertaining book. I think you must've read a few similar to that in your life, with the way you took such delight in describing it. I'm pretty sure that novel exists out there somewhere. But having said all that, you went into too much detail with it. It started to distract from THIS story. The whole thing just came across as kind of random.

I've noticed that Swanson seems very small when he's sharing a scene with Corbett. It's like he becomes a shell of the guy we've been seeing in the scenes with Lauren. I'm not sure if that's because of Corbett's commanding presence, or if you just natually focus all your attention on Corbett in these scenes since he's the MC, while allowing Swanson to fall to the wayside.

You must love mexican food, because your characters are always eating it. I remember the characters eating mexican food in Windless, and several times throughout this story the characters have stopped to get burritos.

And this whole chapter has involved quite a bit of food- from pizza during the scene with Drummond, to burritos afterward, to trail mix now. Did you have the munchies when you wrote this chapter?

[“Why do women have such small ear canals?] O, nice reply!

Not one of my favorite chapters. Probably because it was pretty much all casework. Only three more chapters remain after this. Seems odd. I don't really get the sense that we're that close to the finish line. Maybe the case is wrapping up, but there's still a lot more to be squeezed out of these characters.

It also seems odd how Lauren and Swanson have seemingly swapped places with Corbett and Martha. This seems to be Lauren and Swanson's story now moreso than Corbett and Martha's. For the past few chapters now, we usually start a scene with Lauren and end it with Lauren, with just a little time in the middle for Martha and Corbett. Before the recent swap, however, Lauren only made brief appearances, and Swanson was just kind of background furniture. Although I admit I'm enjoying their budding romance, it seems like a big mistake to so suddenly cast your two main characters into the background. Afterall, this is the story about Corbett and Martha. With just three chapters left, the most important aspect of the story seems forgotten.

And even when we do spend time with Corbett and Martha now, it's just kind of lame. For instance, in this chapter, most of their section was spent describing the book Martha's reading. Then they start to fool around a little bit and Corbett falls asleep. Seems like all they do now when we're with them is have sex. That's fine if this is a movie, since I can at least wank to it, but I can't exactly wank to this.

In an earlier chapter we spent time with Martha while she was alone in the house, and you did a great job of building suspense through her increasing paranoia. I'd like to see more stuff like that incorporated into the story.
2/7/2010 c14 Gilee7
[It was already nine in Florida] LOL. Of course they live in Florida, the old-people capital of the world.

This scene with Lauren talking to her parents just made me finally wonder if Martha's parents are still alive. We may have covered this ground before, but my memory isn't that great. If so, seems like they would like to know that their daughter is still alive. Although if she doesn't remember them, I guess it wouldn't really accomplish anything. And why do I have a feeling I may have written this exact paragraph in an earlier review? If so, I apologize.

[Eventually, they grew tired and grunted every time they hit.] That's my favorite thing about watching women's tennis: the grunting. Especially when it's the Russian women.

The tennis scene was nice. I enjoyed that. And you actually wrote about tennis as if you play.

[Mrs. Lebaron looked at the photos, and fainted.] People always faint way too easily in movies and books.

Many times when we're in the office with Corbett, Lauren and Swanson, we just have dialogue with very little else. Maybe it's because you feel less comfortable in that setting, but I think those sections of the story need more meat.

[Corbett and Martha had spent most of the morning love-making] "Love-making" annoys me for some reason. I much prefer the sound of "making love."

[“Until we figured out exactly what happened, you aren’t safe] *figure*

[The rain was pacing itself steadily until it began to pelted hard enough to wet his shirt] *pelt* I haven't been pointing out that many grammatical errors in my reviews, mostly because there wasn't many, but also because you said you'd find them yourself. But I've already noticed a few in this chapter. More than usual.

[and saw that Martha was throwing up on the side of the road. His first reaction was to ask if she was pregnant, but that would have been too soon—unless she had slept with someone else in the past six months beside him] His first reaction is that she's pregnant? That's quite a jump, isn't it? When I see someone puking, I just assume they're sick. Maybe they ate some bad fish or something. If this is his first reaction to the sight of her puking, it must've been in the back of his mind all along. But considering she's at the sight of where she nearly died, I think it's kind of obvious why she might be sick.

[She shook her head adamantly.] That's a nice word, "adamantly."

[nothing was nearly as potent or as attractive as men who exercised restraint.] Well, s.hit, I must be one handsome mofo! Although I guess there's a difference between restraint and just being a p.ussy.

The dialogue between Lauren and Swanson in the last section of this chapter is probably the best dialogue I've read so far in this story. I loved it. It was natural, smooth, funny, and it also served purpose, shining a light on Corbett and Swanson's past. Great job.

In fact, Swanson's quickly becoming my favorite character. I wish we had gotten to know him much earlier. I know he's been around since chapter one, but you never truly introduced him to us until the last couple chapters or so. I think he's the most realistic person in this story.
1/31/2010 c13 Gilee7
[indistinct chatter of the neighbors. “Chris!”] At a point this was kinda funny to me, but now it just irks me every time.

[Martha sat up out of bed. Corbett had left two hours ago, at five in the morning. Maybe he was tired of her.] Why would she jump to that conclusion when just the night before he was all over her? SHE was the one who pretended to be asleep when he got back from the hospital.

[Swanson came in with two duffel bags and his suitcase] Each time I hear this guy's name I think of the scene in Dumb & Dumber where Jim Carrey is trying to find the redheaded woman's information. He can't remember her last name, and Jeff Daniels is like, "Maybe it's on the briefcase." Carrey then sees Swansonite, the briefcase's manufacturer, and is like, "Swansonite! Man, I was WAY off!"

[Bill ordered an Adios Motherfucker] LOL! Is that really a drink? If so, it's my new favorite.

The image of Martha/Maria sleepwalking down streets and saying that her husband is waiting for her was pretty depressing.

[For some reason, he felt that her life was no longer in jeopardy, and that it was just some excuse he made up to keep her in the house. He breathed through his nostrils.] That's a scenario I hadn't even thought of it, and it's very interesting. Of course Corbett isn't keeping her prisoner or anything. But on a subconscious level, it makes sense. He lost her once. He's afraid of it happening again.

[Swanson knocked on Lauren’s door. She opened it in only a towel, her hair drenched.] Whoa. If a girl opens the door for me in only a towel, I'm gonna have at least some semblance of a boner and be extemely nervous, thinking, 'she did that on purpose; she's trying to drop me a hint.' Is that Lauren's intention?

[She turned around, and he automatically zipped up her dress.] Well, maybe not. This is a very comfortable gesture, like between two good friends. Although I know Swanson wants to bed her.

[and a montage with a homey piano underscore ensued that illustrated their loneliness.] LOL. I hate those movies! How do people watch that s.hit?

[ “What are you thinking about?” he asked.] I used to fool around with a girl who would ask this question CONSTANTLY. God, it was annoying. "What are you thinking about? What are you thinking about? What are you thinking about?" "Um, the same thing I as thinking about five seconds ago?"

[“Sounds like them,” Martha said.

Corbett nodded. “Wait—what do you mean?” he asked.

Martha’s eyes widened. “I don’t know what I’m saying sometimes,” she said.] I like this little exchange, how it's kind of ambiguous. Have more memories returned to Martha and she just doesn't want Corbett to know, or did she just say that by some inner instinct?

[“I don’t even know your first name,” she said, her eyes already sensual and hungry.] It's pretty hard to believe that she hadn't learned his first name by now, considering how long she's been staying at his place. Either she would've already asked, she would've heard someone else say it, or she would've read it on a bill or some kind of paperwork.

[“When you look at me, I feel my skin come alive] Oh, god. Cue the Lifetime music.

Describing a sex scene is incredibly difficult. I think you did a pretty good with job with it, though. It wasn't very titillating. I didn't get aroused any. But it wasn't corny and cringe-worthy and filled with terrible metaphors like most sex scenes are.

[and for once, it felt like they finally understood each other after twelve years of feeling around in the dark] That's a nice thought to end the chapter with.

Pretty good chapter, very different from the others. This one was all romance. It's interesting that they make fun of the Lifetime movie, because this chapter could've been scenes from a movie like that. That sounds like an insult, but I don't mean it to be one.

The sexual tension between Swanson and Lauren was interesting. I figured they'd get it on, but Lauren has become a very sympathetic character all of a sudden. I just feel sorry for her now. It's obvious how much she liked Corbett and how lonely she is. I was surprised that Swanson didn't take advantage of her. He showed a lot compassion. We haven't spent much time with him, so I was surprised that he actually showed some decency. He's always seemed like kind of a douche before.

Corbett and Martha hanging out and going on a little mini-date was cute. I didn't care for the part where the mom taps on their car window, but, other than that, it was nice. Going to the beach seems cliché, but that's okay. Martha being a little nervous near the water was interesting.

I also really enjoyed the scene where Corbett describes how he and Maria met. It certainly wasn't romantic in the slightest, and it was very telling. No wonder their marriage was the way it was. Knowing that Maria was initially just attracted to Allen makes sense. Maybe she didn't cheat on Corbett afterall. Although it certainly would've been very tempting, being that Allen was "the one who got away."

I really imagine Maria and Martha as two completely different characters now. It's going to be depressing if Martha's memory comes back and she become Maria again. I don't really care for Maria. Everything we know about her is kind of negative. Having Maria come back would almost be like Martha being killed off. And just when Corbett had fallen in love with this new woman. He's happier with her than he ever was with his real wife.
1/31/2010 c12 Gilee7
[That tight, hugging sensation returned, and he ran a hand down her stomach, underneath her blanket. Her hip lifted, and he massaged his cold hand over her warm, small thighs, his mouth slack. She moaned.] Wow, that's a great sexual description. It's so vivid that it seems explicit, but that's just because of the great imagery.

[Corbett bowed out quickly and even sped past a red light on his way home, the rain slopping against his windshield.] Wow, he wants it bad, doesn't he?

This is the probably the least I've commented on any chapter. It was shorter than the others, for one thing, but 95% of it seemed to be all legal speak, talking about the case and all the little details. I don't even really know what I read during that part. My eyes were glazed. I'll be honest, I haven't really been paying much attention to the whole "Who blew up Lebaron's?" aspect of the story. It just hasn't interested me. It's all too much in the paperwork; too boring. So I really have no idea who the major suspects are or what their motives may be. I just want to see what happens with Corbett, Martha and Lauren.
1/31/2010 c11 Gilee7
[“Chris! Chris?”] There it is again. Do you realize how awkward and weird this comes across every single time?

[and her short hair wavy curls looked alive in the turn of the light] Missing an "and" after "hair."

[“Tell me about his relationship with Mrs. Corbett,” Lauren said, trying not to look at Corbett.] Ooh, bold question, especially with him standing right there.

[Lauren said, turning on a heel so sharply that her ponytail whipped.] Nice image.

[They got off on her floor] Yeah, I bet they did. *wink, wink*

[Lauren then took all the clothes she dropped and ran off with them] I swear my eyes deceived me the first time I read this sentence and I thought it said, "Lauren took off all her clothes." I was like, wow, she ain't playin' around. I mean, she already showed a bit of desperation with how much she insisted Corbett stick around, offering a sandwich, water, anything she could think of.

[“Unless Mr. Lebaron was bisexual,” Lauren added.] LOL. I hope that's the case.

[Lauren’s heart squeezed.] Nice bit of personification there. Isn't that the correct term for it? I don't even remember.

[ Maybe he was too well-oiled of a machine.] I've never liked that metaphor.

[“What are you doing for the rest of the day?” Lauren asked, and almost flushed for asking.

“I’m going to head home,” he said, that indifferent look returning. “I might read a little.”] LOL. Wow, that's gotta be one of the most devastating reponses a person can receive, implying that you're less fun and exciting than reading a book.

This is one of the few chapters where the detective aspect of the story didn't bore me. I was actually kind of into it. And I enjoyed the sexual tension between Corbett and Lauren. I figured we would've had a lot more of it by now, but Lauren kind of went away there for awhile. So it was nice to finally return to it, since it adds a little extra drama to things, another wrinkle.

I felt really sorry for Lauren, too, just having meaningless sex and then the guy leaving. I kinda wanted to crawl in bed with her and just cuddle.
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