10/5/2009 c6 x.life.goes.on.x
kay this is REALLY good! , please, write more soon! [=

10/3/2009 c5 Insanely Random
Oh,wow, a cliffy!

Well now that you've written a cliff hanger that will leave me lying in bed at night wondering what is going to happen next, you MUST update!

10/1/2009 c1 10Elizabeth Arlen
Wow! Great writing! I can't wait to see what happens next!

8/7/2009 c1 BEN
very intresting and captivating..

8/1/2009 c1 15Valylene
Hey!

Alright, there are a couple things I want to point out, but first I want to warn you that I'm a bit of a tough critic. That being said, let's write this review!

You have an interesting way of writing. Do you purposely shorten your sentences to prevent constant run-ons, or is that something you've just always done? While productive in stopping people from having to gasp in the middle of phrases, it's also a bit of a pain in the butt unless you're writing a thriller (which are never scary when they're written ;D).

You could probably make fusions, or blend your sentences together a little to make it smoother and less choppy. Like, for instance, with your opening paragraph: "The day seemed light and easy. It was a Friday afternoon, just the time school ended. Fridays are the saddest day of the week." you could turn it into "The day was light and airy, an early Friday afternoon - just around the time school let out. I didn't like Fridays because, to me, they were the saddest day of the week. Fridays gave you a false sense of candour and lured you into thinking you were free, but in reality, you'd always have to go back."

Or something like that.

Convert, convert, convert. It's like baking.

After that, I think you could probably separate your paragraphs a little more clearly - don't bunch them together in big clusters of words because when people click on to a story, all they see are thick, thick paragraphs and too many words that are too troublesome to read. It earns you a frown and an immediate back-click.

Separate your subjects by feeling out where you think they should end. It should feel solid and stable when you cut things off - think of paragraphs like trees; each branch represents what you want to say. Some branches will be a little longer than others, but they all end at some point, and if you don't get all you want covered in a smaller paragraph, then you can start a new one - after all, branches grow off of branches themselves, don't they?

Numbers in writing, unless bigger than three digits (100+) should be written out. Two, fifty, sevnty-nine, twenty-six-and-a-half; that sort of thing.

If and when you namedrop or drop brand names, then you have to disclaim. For example, if you mention WalMart or Hershey's kisses, then you have to state that you don't own WalMart or the Hershey's company. The same thing applies to bands, songs, lyrics and quotes.

Hmn. Try setting the mood? Use a couple words to describe the character's surroundings - like, for example, note how the park seemed eerily quiet without all the people and chatter it normally had, or, maybe, the way the bathroom echoes with their colliding thoughts and suspicions while Cammy's fixing up her sister's arm or something. Surroundings are important in writing, and if you can clue us to them in a subtle, "I'm not really here" way, then you'll have an amazing effect. It's like subliminal messaging - people are crazy for it. If you do it right, they'll never leave. XD

Have you considered getting a beta to look through your work? It might help with the paraphrasing and missing any punctuation or grammar mistakes that might have worked their way through you.

Hah, you make it sound as though she's held at gunpoint when you have her go get the Tylenol (another thing you're probably going to have to disclaim). "Okay, I'm going to the cabinet, don't shoot, don't shoot. I'm grabbing the pills, okay? See? No unnecessary movement! I'm not going to ask any stupid questions that'll probably maybe get me shot!"

I really like how you mentioned that Felicity's room seemed "dead". That's exactly the kind of mood dropper that I was talking about. Little impressions that the character gets from things make all the difference to readers. Anything that can help them identify with what the character, and by extension you, is feeling, the easier it is to categorize things as "real" and not "fake-sounding".

Anyways, you definitely have a lot of potential, and I really like the tone you have going on underneath the underneath. You could use a lot of polishing, but you definitely have something that's worth it in the end.

Good luck, and thanks for the read!

- Valylene

8/1/2009 c1 7Insanely Random
This is a really nice way to start a story. It is simple, but suspenseful. I can tell it is going to be good. Please update soon, I really want to see more.