for The Salem Code11/28/2010 c1 
21Sercus Kaynine
Coming to you from the Review Game's Review Marathon! (link on profile)
I like how you started this with a tour of the setting and surrounding characters. Normally, that kind of thing would be boring, but here it was pretty short and set the mood fantastically.
I also like how you jumped right into the story and its issues right after that. It had me hooked into the action right away. It moved along at a smooth pace.
21Sercus KaynineComing to you from the Review Game's Review Marathon! (link on profile)
I like how you started this with a tour of the setting and surrounding characters. Normally, that kind of thing would be boring, but here it was pretty short and set the mood fantastically.
I also like how you jumped right into the story and its issues right after that. It had me hooked into the action right away. It moved along at a smooth pace.
9/2/2010 c1 15Mataoaka
Nice work!
I don't see many stories set in this time period, and I bet it's because it's a difficult one to write about. You've started off with a nice pace and a bit of intrigue, and I can't wait to see where it'll go. Just a few things - you may want to read over for typos and places where the sentances don't quite flow as well as the rest. Your description about the black cape was nice, but it felt like you were telling me instead of showing me, as an example.
As far as I know (and that's not altogether much) it sounds like you've done a really good job with researching this era. It's the little touches like Goody Samson and names like Piety that really make it come alive. Also naming the witch Piety doesn't escape me. It's clever. Almost like Microsoft Works, huh?
Mataoaka, via the Roadhouse
15MataoakaNice work!
I don't see many stories set in this time period, and I bet it's because it's a difficult one to write about. You've started off with a nice pace and a bit of intrigue, and I can't wait to see where it'll go. Just a few things - you may want to read over for typos and places where the sentances don't quite flow as well as the rest. Your description about the black cape was nice, but it felt like you were telling me instead of showing me, as an example.
As far as I know (and that's not altogether much) it sounds like you've done a really good job with researching this era. It's the little touches like Goody Samson and names like Piety that really make it come alive. Also naming the witch Piety doesn't escape me. It's clever. Almost like Microsoft Works, huh?
Mataoaka, via the Roadhouse
10/26/2009 c1 Danielle Gin
Over all this was a really nice introduction to your story! You seem to have the start of a creative plot, a solid grasp on the language of the time period, and a sense of the characters. There were a few things that I notice that could be improved and I've noted them below.
"The figure’s dark cloak streamed in the silent breeze, giving it a bat-like appearance." Try showing as opposed to telling, as done here. Just a little rewording helps create a picture for the reader! As in, "The figure's dark cloak flew behind its owner's back as it arched and fluttered in the silent breeze stirred." That way, you're still getting the same image, but the reader can get a better senes of the line.
"A bony, white-knuckled hang rapped . . ." I believe you meant "hand" rather than "hang."
I'm glad that you know the women of the time period were often called "Goody." It's little things such as this that help give a story an edge.
"Children woke in the middle of the night to see horrific hags standing at the end of their beds, livestock were dying without explanation, and crops failed continuously. All were said to be the result of witchcraft, evil used against the church."
"She stamped her unnaturally dainty foot impatiently." I don't understand how a foot can be "unnaturally dainty." The use of "unnatural" confuses me with this sentence.
"And with that, the two exited the chapel and scurried down the cobblestone lane, past the house where the young witch named Piety Evans slept, unaware of the circumstances." This was a nice clinching sentence, probably preparing for what's to come in the next chapter.
Great work! I can't wait to continue reading!
Over all this was a really nice introduction to your story! You seem to have the start of a creative plot, a solid grasp on the language of the time period, and a sense of the characters. There were a few things that I notice that could be improved and I've noted them below.
"The figure’s dark cloak streamed in the silent breeze, giving it a bat-like appearance." Try showing as opposed to telling, as done here. Just a little rewording helps create a picture for the reader! As in, "The figure's dark cloak flew behind its owner's back as it arched and fluttered in the silent breeze stirred." That way, you're still getting the same image, but the reader can get a better senes of the line.
"A bony, white-knuckled hang rapped . . ." I believe you meant "hand" rather than "hang."
I'm glad that you know the women of the time period were often called "Goody." It's little things such as this that help give a story an edge.
"Children woke in the middle of the night to see horrific hags standing at the end of their beds, livestock were dying without explanation, and crops failed continuously. All were said to be the result of witchcraft, evil used against the church."
"She stamped her unnaturally dainty foot impatiently." I don't understand how a foot can be "unnaturally dainty." The use of "unnatural" confuses me with this sentence.
"And with that, the two exited the chapel and scurried down the cobblestone lane, past the house where the young witch named Piety Evans slept, unaware of the circumstances." This was a nice clinching sentence, probably preparing for what's to come in the next chapter.
Great work! I can't wait to continue reading!
10/2/2009 c6 Brenda Agaro
From the first chapter, I am honestly hooked and impressed. This story is very well written so far. The details were necessary, the imagery was beautiful, and the characterization was clever. I like how you executed the dialogue - I can hear the characters speaking.
Great job with the first five chapters! :D
-*-
Corrections/Feedback:
Chapter 1:
{“Yeah, what with that red hair and all of that, she sticks out like a sore thumb,” William said.} I think "William said" could be dropped. I think readers could know that it's him speaking.
Chapter 3:
{An hour after his arrival, it because evident that the news had spread like wildfire throughout the village.} I think "because" should be "became."
Chapter 5:
{In her satchel, she tried to pack a dress, but it’s long folds and heavy fabric just would not fit.} its.
From the first chapter, I am honestly hooked and impressed. This story is very well written so far. The details were necessary, the imagery was beautiful, and the characterization was clever. I like how you executed the dialogue - I can hear the characters speaking.
Great job with the first five chapters! :D
-*-
Corrections/Feedback:
Chapter 1:
{“Yeah, what with that red hair and all of that, she sticks out like a sore thumb,” William said.} I think "William said" could be dropped. I think readers could know that it's him speaking.
Chapter 3:
{An hour after his arrival, it because evident that the news had spread like wildfire throughout the village.} I think "because" should be "became."
Chapter 5:
{In her satchel, she tried to pack a dress, but it’s long folds and heavy fabric just would not fit.} its.
9/21/2009 c6 TymCon
Well, well johns kinda sneaky. Wonder how nobody heard him leave? Well anyway nice chapter, I love youre short chapters. There perfect for coming home from school and reading:P So shes a puritan? Dont know what that means but probably heavily religeous. Cant wait til they reach the town:P I thought faire was more of an irish thing?
Well, well johns kinda sneaky. Wonder how nobody heard him leave? Well anyway nice chapter, I love youre short chapters. There perfect for coming home from school and reading:P So shes a puritan? Dont know what that means but probably heavily religeous. Cant wait til they reach the town:P I thought faire was more of an irish thing?
9/12/2009 c5 Guest
This is very interesting, as a Witch myself, I felt I should read this. And I enjoyed it. Well dome.
This is very interesting, as a Witch myself, I felt I should read this. And I enjoyed it. Well dome.
9/12/2009 c5 TymCon
wow an enchanted city? thats so cool:P so john duncans some teacher for her, thats intresting. and a grimoire:O
wow an enchanted city? thats so cool:P so john duncans some teacher for her, thats intresting. and a grimoire:O
9/6/2009 c4 4anika k
John is a strange kind of guy. I kind of hope he's a witch like Piety. The witty conversation between Piety and John was well-written and the earlier dinner scene with Goodman Evans shows how normal Piety's life is, even though she's a little less than normal. This chapter ends with so much suspense and I wish it wasn't the last one up! I'm definitely going to be back when the next update comes.
4anika kJohn is a strange kind of guy. I kind of hope he's a witch like Piety. The witty conversation between Piety and John was well-written and the earlier dinner scene with Goodman Evans shows how normal Piety's life is, even though she's a little less than normal. This chapter ends with so much suspense and I wish it wasn't the last one up! I'm definitely going to be back when the next update comes.
9/6/2009 c3 anika k
Interesting new character! I can't wait to see where he leads, especially staying in Piety's house and all. I liked when Piety's powers went out of control at the courthouse, to kind of give the readers a sample of how she really doesn't know how to use them. Also, small mentions of stuff like the Puritan Code, and some people speaking less properly (I'm not sure if that's the right way to say it, but it's all I can think of) like the woman who mentions something about Reverend Lawrence, make the story a lot more realistic.
Interesting new character! I can't wait to see where he leads, especially staying in Piety's house and all. I liked when Piety's powers went out of control at the courthouse, to kind of give the readers a sample of how she really doesn't know how to use them. Also, small mentions of stuff like the Puritan Code, and some people speaking less properly (I'm not sure if that's the right way to say it, but it's all I can think of) like the woman who mentions something about Reverend Lawrence, make the story a lot more realistic.
9/6/2009 c2 anika k
I get the Goody thing now! I was starting to wonder if that was the case when you used "Goody Jameson" so many times. So you can ignore that part of my first review. Sorry. :P
I don't have much else to say besides the fact that this was a good chapter. It's kind of an interesting twist that Piety can't control her magic. Also, her feelings were well conveyed, and I'm curious to see what she'll do.
I get the Goody thing now! I was starting to wonder if that was the case when you used "Goody Jameson" so many times. So you can ignore that part of my first review. Sorry. :P
I don't have much else to say besides the fact that this was a good chapter. It's kind of an interesting twist that Piety can't control her magic. Also, her feelings were well conveyed, and I'm curious to see what she'll do.
9/6/2009 c1 anika k
Awesome prologue. I normally don't like these kinds of stories, but this one had my attention after the first few sentences. The imagery was great and I could pretty much picture everything in my head as you described it. There was just one line at the end that confused me a little.
"Thank you for your report, Goody Samson. Goody Jameson will be investigated and tried."
Shouldn't it be Lucinda Jameson instead of Goody Jameson? Otherwise, good job and I can't wait to get to the next chapter~
Awesome prologue. I normally don't like these kinds of stories, but this one had my attention after the first few sentences. The imagery was great and I could pretty much picture everything in my head as you described it. There was just one line at the end that confused me a little.
"Thank you for your report, Goody Samson. Goody Jameson will be investigated and tried."
Shouldn't it be Lucinda Jameson instead of Goody Jameson? Otherwise, good job and I can't wait to get to the next chapter~
8/31/2009 c4 109ADSpencer
Oh, wow, here's where it gets really interesting! Great chapter. The conversation with John was fast paced and clever, and then it slowed to 'that' question. I also liked that you painted Roger as a kind man, not extremely superstitious when Lucy's trial is mentioned. Very nicely done. I can't wait to learn more!
109ADSpencerOh, wow, here's where it gets really interesting! Great chapter. The conversation with John was fast paced and clever, and then it slowed to 'that' question. I also liked that you painted Roger as a kind man, not extremely superstitious when Lucy's trial is mentioned. Very nicely done. I can't wait to learn more!
8/31/2009 c3 ADSpencer
A new character, hm, interesting:) Poor Piety, unable to control herself. It leaves me very intrigued. I hope we learn more about her abilities in the future.
A new character, hm, interesting:) Poor Piety, unable to control herself. It leaves me very intrigued. I hope we learn more about her abilities in the future.
8/31/2009 c2 ADSpencer
Well done! I like that Piety seems to have mixed feelings about Lucy being accused of the 'crime' she's guilty of. Nicely done; it immediately makes me nervous for Piety and makes Piety realistic.
Well done! I like that Piety seems to have mixed feelings about Lucy being accused of the 'crime' she's guilty of. Nicely done; it immediately makes me nervous for Piety and makes Piety realistic.
8/29/2009 c1 17katietheunicorn
Aha! Very interesting, I could clearly see this in my head and it moved very swiftly, almost giving me chills! ^o^
one teeny little issue: Goody Jameson was an odd sort of woman, and what Goody Samson said definitely rang true.
Shouldn't it be Lucinda Jameson?
17katietheunicornAha! Very interesting, I could clearly see this in my head and it moved very swiftly, almost giving me chills! ^o^
one teeny little issue: Goody Jameson was an odd sort of woman, and what Goody Samson said definitely rang true.
Shouldn't it be Lucinda Jameson?