for My Little Box8/11/2009 c1 
2Laeden
First of all, let me say that I liked your character and the attitude.
One thing I noticed is the quotations around the first two paragraphs. I'm not sure why those are thre and found them somewhat confusing.
Second, your use of italic. Italics are something you want to use very sparingly. They are a great tool, but when you them too often, they lose their power. I see a lot of writers try and ues italics to manufacture drama where drama is not. Certain parts of the story are inherently dramatic, and as reader who constantly reads italics will grow resentful of a writer who feels they need to spell every intonation out or them.
When you capitalized "EVER" that would be a good spot for italics. By using italics you are intonating something, putting something into the limelight. Is a "common horror story" really so important that you need to put it under that kind of pressure? I also noticed that you use the semicolon a lot as well. Don't think of grammer in creative writing so much as being grammatically correct, but instead, which purpose it serves. Using certain grammer, or sentence structers often will make them lse their power. Make the grammer serve you, don't be a servant to the grammer.
But I like your group of characters and found it interesting that because of one friend the caracter gives up on it. SAys a lot about the character and makes it interesting.
2LaedenFirst of all, let me say that I liked your character and the attitude.
One thing I noticed is the quotations around the first two paragraphs. I'm not sure why those are thre and found them somewhat confusing.
Second, your use of italic. Italics are something you want to use very sparingly. They are a great tool, but when you them too often, they lose their power. I see a lot of writers try and ues italics to manufacture drama where drama is not. Certain parts of the story are inherently dramatic, and as reader who constantly reads italics will grow resentful of a writer who feels they need to spell every intonation out or them.
When you capitalized "EVER" that would be a good spot for italics. By using italics you are intonating something, putting something into the limelight. Is a "common horror story" really so important that you need to put it under that kind of pressure? I also noticed that you use the semicolon a lot as well. Don't think of grammer in creative writing so much as being grammatically correct, but instead, which purpose it serves. Using certain grammer, or sentence structers often will make them lse their power. Make the grammer serve you, don't be a servant to the grammer.
But I like your group of characters and found it interesting that because of one friend the caracter gives up on it. SAys a lot about the character and makes it interesting.
8/10/2009 c1 1Slave2Karma
“Not that I’m a bad person, I just like to fling swear words around a lot.”
My God, who are you and how the did you get in my head?
Nice start! Great job establishing the characters. Being a writer, a Rachel, and an overcurser, I can relate to your narrator a lot. Excellent use of detail, first person narrative always a bonus in my book. My only suggestion would be to condense the chapters a bit. As I said, you write in great detail which is hard to come by, but online, people often lose interest in really long chapters.
*Clearly has experience in this and is totally not bitter, no sir.*
Anyway, keep up the the excellent work!
Write on!
1Slave2Karma“Not that I’m a bad person, I just like to fling swear words around a lot.”
My God, who are you and how the did you get in my head?
Nice start! Great job establishing the characters. Being a writer, a Rachel, and an overcurser, I can relate to your narrator a lot. Excellent use of detail, first person narrative always a bonus in my book. My only suggestion would be to condense the chapters a bit. As I said, you write in great detail which is hard to come by, but online, people often lose interest in really long chapters.
*Clearly has experience in this and is totally not bitter, no sir.*
Anyway, keep up the the excellent work!
Write on!