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for The Meeting of the Dead

8/11/2009 c1 7clay-heart
I'm just going to go straight to the con-crit, and I'll leave positives at the end. =)

1. Awkward sentence structure:

"Luminescent in the black fabric of the sky was one orange moon."

-Now, let's look long and hard at this. What does this organization do for you that the following doesn't?:

"One orange moon luminesced in the black fabric of the sky."

-Spellcheck says 'luminesced' isn't a real word, but heck, this is creative writing and if Shakespeare was allowed to create words, so can we! =) Anyway, the second version is much less awkward, because we have the correct order of subject, verb, and object. This is English, after all. We can't just go around mixing up our sentences as we please, or it sounds weird. Sometimes, it's okay, but most of the time...it's better to now try it.

2. Paragraph organization:

"Until, a hand, a bone-white hand, shuddered up from the wet dirt and tolled a bell."

-This really should go with the previous paragraph. Also, the punctuation is a bit wonky, and the first "a hand" is more or less pointless. Compare:

"Until a bone-white hand shuddered up from the wet dirt, and tolled a bell."

3. A few typos.

4. Dialogue inserted into descriptive paragraphs:

" 'Hey, Bradley, come here what Chester said.' And he repeated the idea to Bradley who nodded..."

-"And he repeated..." and that whole chunk after it should be a new paragraph. Why? Well, simply because if you don't, the dialogue gets lost in the narration. Sad, but true.

-This happened a few other times.

-

Okay, other than that, nice work! Your descriptions are very nice, just watch out for passive.

Positives:

1. I like the dialogue. It portrays different characters without going overboard on, say, the accents. Very well-handled.

2. Vivid word-choice. I can picture what's happening very well.

3. Well-paced, well-controlled plot

4. Nice conclusion, it really portrays that this is just one moment out of many, and that there is an ongoing cycle.

-

Like I said, nice work!
8/10/2009 c1 1Slave2Karma
“My clothes have rotted, my flesh has flaked away, my soul is floating along who knows where, all that is left is me. I just am, that’s all, and that’s all I can do.” -Mother Graham

Those may be the strongest words I've read in a long time. Excellent job. The narration style is hauntingly poetic, something rare in books these days, let alone on fiction press. You've got great use of detail and imagery. I could see this being an excellent short comic or illustrated story. Perfect, bittersweet ending. My only suggestion would be to put up a summary or that quote from Mother Graham so people can know what this is about. Once again, well done!

Write on!
8/10/2009 c1 53piph4ny
I enjoyed this for the most part, just a few gripes.

1.) It was VERY well written, but the repetition of words and phrases throughout the story annoyed me. Example, "“Yes, yes, we are.” “We are.” “We are.”" The last "We are" could have been left out and you could have continued on with "It became a rousing chant, “We are, we are,”.." It just reads better to me. Seems less redundant.

2. "Whispery hand"? Maybe you meant "wispy"?

Otherwise it was pretty nice to read. I liked your analysis of why they were there in the first place. It was very simple yet genius at the same time.

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