for the Dimensional Nine: BOOK ONE12/15/2009 c7 
10awilla the hun
The review may say that it is for Chapter 7, but I intend it to cover what you have written thus far, in addition to what I said in the earlier review.
"small, hand-length shovel"- That is called a trowel, I believe.
You have fallen into an all too common trap. Fantasy peasant villages are often very much less squalid than the real thing. The real life peasant has no time to plant flowers, because they need food, and haven't any land to spare. The real life peasant woman is ugly (a life in the sun, with insect bites and suchlike does that to people), has long hair, but this is often dirty, and tied up somehow. (So as to not get in the way of their work.) Similarly, the city is remarkably clean. Rand's nose would have "wrinkled in disgust" many times by now throughout the story, not only because of the supposed treachery of Ramspring's people, but due to the sheer filth of medieval life. This is almost completely absent from your story. Research it a bit. I doubt that even a modern city is entirely free of the occasional bad smell, the occasional bits of dirt and grime. These cities are crowded, full of animals (dung!), and lack modern sewers. Beggars would be there in swarms, as well as desperately poor citizens. Not just the rich people you described, and the clean, prosperous seeming types in the inn. Your world contains the rich, and the less rich. Medieval Europe contained the rich, the less rich, and the desperately poor. So does the modern world, for that matter.
(And are its citizens still excited, despite having lived there for all these years? Would someone in, say, Rome, or Washington, or London, still get excited by the White House, Trajan's Column, or Big Ben?)
-You still have the old problems, including accidental innuendo (Rand taking off his belt and shirt as he walks into the house, as if expecting sex for some reason), and over writing. For example,"Emanate" means that a something is coming from something; a smell "emanates" from the kitchen. A "harlot" is usually female, which Polis and Rand are palpably not. I applaud your efforts at using elevated language, but try and stick to what you definitely understand. This also extends to language and imagery. When, for example, Rand squeezes his hand around the jewel (setting aside for a moment exactly why this experienced woodsman would want an injury to his hand when setting out on a journey), you do not need to describe "striking snakes" of blood.
-It's "tankard", not "tanker". Tankers carry oil from the Middle East. And what sort of tune is being played? What instruments are being used?
-"Fur lined walls"? Why are they fur lined? They used tapestries for insulation and draft removal in real life, which had the added benefit of looking good, and not requiring the killing of animals to get the fur.
-Why is there a glossary? This should surely be explained, if only very briefly, in the text itself. Or, at least, implied very strongly by everyone's reactions.
-Good luck with the brain surgery and future writing!
10awilla the hunThe review may say that it is for Chapter 7, but I intend it to cover what you have written thus far, in addition to what I said in the earlier review.
"small, hand-length shovel"- That is called a trowel, I believe.
You have fallen into an all too common trap. Fantasy peasant villages are often very much less squalid than the real thing. The real life peasant has no time to plant flowers, because they need food, and haven't any land to spare. The real life peasant woman is ugly (a life in the sun, with insect bites and suchlike does that to people), has long hair, but this is often dirty, and tied up somehow. (So as to not get in the way of their work.) Similarly, the city is remarkably clean. Rand's nose would have "wrinkled in disgust" many times by now throughout the story, not only because of the supposed treachery of Ramspring's people, but due to the sheer filth of medieval life. This is almost completely absent from your story. Research it a bit. I doubt that even a modern city is entirely free of the occasional bad smell, the occasional bits of dirt and grime. These cities are crowded, full of animals (dung!), and lack modern sewers. Beggars would be there in swarms, as well as desperately poor citizens. Not just the rich people you described, and the clean, prosperous seeming types in the inn. Your world contains the rich, and the less rich. Medieval Europe contained the rich, the less rich, and the desperately poor. So does the modern world, for that matter.
(And are its citizens still excited, despite having lived there for all these years? Would someone in, say, Rome, or Washington, or London, still get excited by the White House, Trajan's Column, or Big Ben?)
-You still have the old problems, including accidental innuendo (Rand taking off his belt and shirt as he walks into the house, as if expecting sex for some reason), and over writing. For example,"Emanate" means that a something is coming from something; a smell "emanates" from the kitchen. A "harlot" is usually female, which Polis and Rand are palpably not. I applaud your efforts at using elevated language, but try and stick to what you definitely understand. This also extends to language and imagery. When, for example, Rand squeezes his hand around the jewel (setting aside for a moment exactly why this experienced woodsman would want an injury to his hand when setting out on a journey), you do not need to describe "striking snakes" of blood.
-It's "tankard", not "tanker". Tankers carry oil from the Middle East. And what sort of tune is being played? What instruments are being used?
-"Fur lined walls"? Why are they fur lined? They used tapestries for insulation and draft removal in real life, which had the added benefit of looking good, and not requiring the killing of animals to get the fur.
-Why is there a glossary? This should surely be explained, if only very briefly, in the text itself. Or, at least, implied very strongly by everyone's reactions.
-Good luck with the brain surgery and future writing!
12/14/2009 c4 awilla the hun
This story, I must say, seems much better than I thought it would be. Looking at the incorrectly punctuated title, I sighed and thought something along the lines of: "Here we go."
But the grammar was good, and the plot interesting. Nevertheless, there are some improvements that can be done, from what I've read thus far.
-You do sometimes overwrite things. When a simple word will do, you add a more complex one ("carmine" ears, a horse "percolating" when it could just be "picking its way through" rough ground. Your characters also "overspeak", sometimes, with the rough peasant Lyle (I think it was Lyle, who has no right to be "stout" if he's been working on a farm all the time) talking about "soporific" work. Boring work, more likely, if not with a few swear words bolted on.
-You do seem to have borrowed a little from Robert Jordan. This isn't a bad thing, but I'm just noticing it. The image of someone called Rand discussing matters with a woman who folds her arms under her breasts in a little village is a bit close for comfort, though.
-Worldbuilding. Thus far, your setting is just another medieval fantasy world. Add some colour, dash, verve, originality. Strange gods, rituals, countries, anything. What has been going on in that village? Why was it founded where it was? Have something spectacular, out of the ordinary. If nothing else, have a good look through history books. They always contain something that no Dungeons and Dragons writer has ever thought of. This is Fantasy! Fantasy is about the bizarre mixed with the ordinary, the magic and the mundane. Embrace both.
-This "Dimensional Warp" business is all very well, but it could be named something that sounds... well, medieval. A Knight at arms does not know about modern science and dimensions. If he considers "Dimensions" at all, he knows them as measurements for something. Conversely, "Mystica" sounds cliched. We stopped calling sci fi planets "Planet X" years ago for the same reason.
-"The woman felt her chest expand in preparation for the eruption." This entire line feels like a euphemism. I'm afraid to say that I laughed at it. Could you change this, pleae?
-Finally, one thing you're doing too often is telling, not showing-the text tells us something, which may not be matched by the actions and words of the characters. We are, for example, told that Rand loves Laea, and are given a brief summary of their courtship. Why, then, has Rand never even thought about her previously in the story?
That review grew in the telling. But anyway: I'll be reading the rest soon, and I hope that this doesn't sound too negative. Keep up the good work! (And if you would ever drop by at Khaos, which urgently needs a reviewer of some description, then ignore how much I'm blowing my own trumpet, and go right ahead...)
This story, I must say, seems much better than I thought it would be. Looking at the incorrectly punctuated title, I sighed and thought something along the lines of: "Here we go."
But the grammar was good, and the plot interesting. Nevertheless, there are some improvements that can be done, from what I've read thus far.
-You do sometimes overwrite things. When a simple word will do, you add a more complex one ("carmine" ears, a horse "percolating" when it could just be "picking its way through" rough ground. Your characters also "overspeak", sometimes, with the rough peasant Lyle (I think it was Lyle, who has no right to be "stout" if he's been working on a farm all the time) talking about "soporific" work. Boring work, more likely, if not with a few swear words bolted on.
-You do seem to have borrowed a little from Robert Jordan. This isn't a bad thing, but I'm just noticing it. The image of someone called Rand discussing matters with a woman who folds her arms under her breasts in a little village is a bit close for comfort, though.
-Worldbuilding. Thus far, your setting is just another medieval fantasy world. Add some colour, dash, verve, originality. Strange gods, rituals, countries, anything. What has been going on in that village? Why was it founded where it was? Have something spectacular, out of the ordinary. If nothing else, have a good look through history books. They always contain something that no Dungeons and Dragons writer has ever thought of. This is Fantasy! Fantasy is about the bizarre mixed with the ordinary, the magic and the mundane. Embrace both.
-This "Dimensional Warp" business is all very well, but it could be named something that sounds... well, medieval. A Knight at arms does not know about modern science and dimensions. If he considers "Dimensions" at all, he knows them as measurements for something. Conversely, "Mystica" sounds cliched. We stopped calling sci fi planets "Planet X" years ago for the same reason.
-"The woman felt her chest expand in preparation for the eruption." This entire line feels like a euphemism. I'm afraid to say that I laughed at it. Could you change this, pleae?
-Finally, one thing you're doing too often is telling, not showing-the text tells us something, which may not be matched by the actions and words of the characters. We are, for example, told that Rand loves Laea, and are given a brief summary of their courtship. Why, then, has Rand never even thought about her previously in the story?
That review grew in the telling. But anyway: I'll be reading the rest soon, and I hope that this doesn't sound too negative. Keep up the good work! (And if you would ever drop by at Khaos, which urgently needs a reviewer of some description, then ignore how much I'm blowing my own trumpet, and go right ahead...)
11/26/2009 c10 lymli
It's interesting to know how they're planing the things to be and I like ollsa character and her idea about being born again, aw and rand seems ready to go on his way!
hope you to update more.
have a great week.
It's interesting to know how they're planing the things to be and I like ollsa character and her idea about being born again, aw and rand seems ready to go on his way!
hope you to update more.
have a great week.
10/13/2009 c9 lymli
sorry for not reviewing soon! but I really liked this as usual, I'd like to be in rand's place, I mean, it seems people want to hunt him down and I think it's funny by the way, at least he got to hide, but I felt kinda hope too in the ending... I'll wait more chapters.
ps: I get the glossary part so maybe you must put it when you finish all the story, I mean, it's confused if you leave the glossary, people can not know what chapters they're reading.
have a great week.
sorry for not reviewing soon! but I really liked this as usual, I'd like to be in rand's place, I mean, it seems people want to hunt him down and I think it's funny by the way, at least he got to hide, but I felt kinda hope too in the ending... I'll wait more chapters.
ps: I get the glossary part so maybe you must put it when you finish all the story, I mean, it's confused if you leave the glossary, people can not know what chapters they're reading.
have a great week.
10/7/2009 c1 3Typing Typhoon
Sounds interesting, the characters and dialogue are well done and plot is is certainly interesting. A feyna? Is that actual mythical lore or is this your creation?
3Typing TyphoonSounds interesting, the characters and dialogue are well done and plot is is certainly interesting. A feyna? Is that actual mythical lore or is this your creation?
10/3/2009 c8 lymli
hi!
aw, I can't wait for more chapters, it seems there's gonna be a fight! I wonder what's gonna do rand!
update soon!
ps: I think the glossary should be in this chapter instead of a different one.
hi!
aw, I can't wait for more chapters, it seems there's gonna be a fight! I wonder what's gonna do rand!
update soon!
ps: I think the glossary should be in this chapter instead of a different one.
9/27/2009 c2 2Sarthim
Interesting...so it looks like you'll be focusing on groups of different characters in different chapters. I think it's good that you continuously have the audience in suspense over what's going to happen next. Ambiguous moves like these can keep the tension up.
You describe the scenery and characters well and I can't wait to see how everything comes together. No real major complaints here. Keep up the good work.
2SarthimInteresting...so it looks like you'll be focusing on groups of different characters in different chapters. I think it's good that you continuously have the audience in suspense over what's going to happen next. Ambiguous moves like these can keep the tension up.
You describe the scenery and characters well and I can't wait to see how everything comes together. No real major complaints here. Keep up the good work.
9/27/2009 c1 Sarthim
Cool start so far. What's interesting is that the team of men are quite aware of the Vortexes which lead to another dimension. When dealing with multiple dimensions, this allows for some grat opportunites and from what I can tell so far, it seems like you will exploit them. I look forward to hearing more about this world that you've put the reader in first, as well as more about the characters.
Good job, you have me hooked.
Cool start so far. What's interesting is that the team of men are quite aware of the Vortexes which lead to another dimension. When dealing with multiple dimensions, this allows for some grat opportunites and from what I can tell so far, it seems like you will exploit them. I look forward to hearing more about this world that you've put the reader in first, as well as more about the characters.
Good job, you have me hooked.
9/26/2009 c2 6xBlaze of ObsidianX
Very good chapter. I liked it. I'll get to the other chapters . . . Eventually but it sounds like a really good story so far. ~Blaze~
6xBlaze of ObsidianXVery good chapter. I liked it. I'll get to the other chapters . . . Eventually but it sounds like a really good story so far. ~Blaze~
9/26/2009 c8 TymCon
I have to admit, that came as a total suprise at the end. Like when the guards came in. I like youre description of the city, a small bit to much i must admit but still good.
I have to admit, that came as a total suprise at the end. Like when the guards came in. I like youre description of the city, a small bit to much i must admit but still good.
9/25/2009 c1 xBlaze of ObsidianX
Very good chapter. I liked it. I would leave a better review but, frankly, I'm just too tired. I'll get to the other chapters . . . Eventually but it sounds like a really good story so far. ~Blaze~
Very good chapter. I liked it. I would leave a better review but, frankly, I'm just too tired. I'll get to the other chapters . . . Eventually but it sounds like a really good story so far. ~Blaze~
9/25/2009 c7 lymli
aw, since I like the laea character, I liked this cos it was almost about her and her worries, at first I thought her work in the garden wasn't like her strong personality but it seems she wants to do something, and I like the things about dolls and magic too, nice mix
I hope you to update soon.
have a great week.
aw, since I like the laea character, I liked this cos it was almost about her and her worries, at first I thought her work in the garden wasn't like her strong personality but it seems she wants to do something, and I like the things about dolls and magic too, nice mix
I hope you to update soon.
have a great week.
9/16/2009 c7 TymCon
That was a creepy and dynamic conversation. I have a feeling polis and Laea are more than they seem. Thats strange she said Rand thought her but didnt he complain about the onions in one chapter. Not sure if he complained or just mused about them but still. Brilliant chapter!
That was a creepy and dynamic conversation. I have a feeling polis and Laea are more than they seem. Thats strange she said Rand thought her but didnt he complain about the onions in one chapter. Not sure if he complained or just mused about them but still. Brilliant chapter!
9/16/2009 c6 TymCon
This was the best chapter id say, the decription of when beanna died was very tense and emotional. Lyla's outburst was good as well and Rands pendant really is a mystery. Ive noticed in one or two sentences you seem to forgot to put in words. Im not putting them in the review since its not a big deal, ive just noticed you do:P
This was the best chapter id say, the decription of when beanna died was very tense and emotional. Lyla's outburst was good as well and Rands pendant really is a mystery. Ive noticed in one or two sentences you seem to forgot to put in words. Im not putting them in the review since its not a big deal, ive just noticed you do:P