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for Falling Away

8/15/2009 c1 1k+Faithless Juliet
Enjoyment: I’m kind of on the fence about your piece. On the one hand, it’s very long, which in itself makes it a chore to read. Even reading Milton, or Homer becomes a chore, no matter how much you like it, due to it’s length. So, on the phone hand I didn’t enjoy it because it was so long, and I feel that you could have condensed a lot of this to shorten, and untimely liven it up, but the overall piece itself was enjoyable.

Word play: You don’t use a lot of flashy, strong wording, you keep it all very simple. It’s simplicity actually makes it read more lyrical, then poetry, and I suppose it’s the length too that made me few it more in the song category. Although the structure is not there to be a song. I also enjoyed your ending, I feel that you wrapped up your conclusion nicely.

Subject: Obviously religious in nature, yet at the same time I really liked how you didn’t shove it down every one’s throats that it was a religious poem. Like I mentioned above the simplicity was matched well with the theme. If you suddenly starting spouting fires of damnation I would say that you lost your point, but you didn’t, so good job.

Description/Images: The image of the girl in the room with her heart cut out really stayed with me. I’m not exactly sure on the significance of it, but just as an image it was very powerful. Perhaps it’s meant to be a metaphor for losing your heart without religion, and your narrator, in his/her search for god notices the lack of such an organ in the face of that inclusion. Nicely done, keep up the good work.

Much love,

Juliet.
8/12/2009 c1 Isca
"The worlds gone to hell so lets write a song." For the most part, your punctuation throughout this poem is effective, but you're missing a comma here: world's. Watch your use of "its" throughout the poem when it should be "it's."

"Poor you and poor me." I like the tone of this line - it's very edgy and lyrical.

"Fall into the water with a candle in your wrist." This line is very unique - both for its imagery and its romantic implications.

(The Review Game - Poems - Easy Fix)

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