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for Dying of Thirst

4/27/2010 c1 6notveryalice
-Flow

The fact that you use almost exclusively phrases that are contained within lines and are writing free verse makes for slightly choppy reading. I would consider adding a gentle rhythm to the words, or perhaps some interlaced or internal rhyming scheme.

-Descriptions/images

You have a talent for vivid imagery, so I have nothing to suggest here!

-Word choice

I'm not sure where to put this, so I'll put it here. Given the minimal nature of the rest of the poem, and given the effectiveness of that nature, I suggest not capitalizing the word reality. It makes the word stand out, yes, but it stands out already as utter despair. I would also put it further in the poem, after "Blackness is consuming me".

-Enjoyment

I always enjoy your work. It's simple and crisp - never a wasted word, which is something I find challenging.

-Subject

I found it difficult to put my finger on what the poem was referencing, if anything. If I had to guess, I would hazard a slave ship. The scenario was at least perfectly clear.

-Tone

The tone of the poem suited its subject matter, but it was very dramatic, and so did not suit the minimal style as well as it could have. That being said, some of my enjoyment of the poem came from the contrast between the style and the tone. I leave this section up to your discretion.

-Punctuation and grammar

To my mind, punctuation in poetry is indicative of how the poem should be performed, and line and stanza breaks are indicative of how it should be understood. Therefore, I actually disagree with the previous reviewer about adding more punctuation.

Your poems tend to be constructed of short phrases that don't cross lines or stanzas, and so the line and stanza breaks serve instead of commas and/or full stops. The poem should be performed in the same way it is understood, to my mind.
8/17/2009 c1 23fatbird33
this flowed really nicley:)
8/14/2009 c1 7Duckies
Hehe, I remember wtaching you write this awhile ago - whatever happened to that joint poem we attempted? xD

I like this very much, you had a great, fairly consistent rhyme scheme, which helped the poem to flow wonderfully. I love the tone, it feels immensely sad, and I can almost taste the anguish - the descriptions were fabulous.

On thing I didn't like was the punctuation, or lack thereof - particularily commas and full stops, which i think would've helped to emphasise particular sections and create a better rhythm.

Overall, nice work though - keep going :)

(Anyone who reads this review - come check out the World Domination forum!)

...And now back to my exam revision *sigh*

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