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for Snakeboots

6/4/2013 c1 10Tegh
Interesting opening chapter, it certainly did its job. Hooked the reader with a bit of mystery, established the plot, and added large doses of foreshadowing. There were a few grammar points that a reread could probably clear up. The dialogue at parts seemed slightly off for some reason, and there was one point where it started and ended in the middle of the paragraph, which is odd.

The descriptions of the house were very well done while not bogging down the flow of the chapter. I wish there had been a little more set up in the beginning, and a bit more characterization for Lyria throughout. There were bits and pieces of throughout, but I still felt that I didn't have a real grasp of the character. Looks interesting though, and I hope to see where it leads, so mission accomplished with Chapter 1 lol.

6/3/2013 c1 Lukas Artair
I feel bad I don't have enough time for the day, but I will certainly try to read the later chapters.

I really like the imagery, I pictured it fairly well. I learned a couple of new ways to make my writings more dynamic thanks to you. :)

The chapter does a really good job of establishing the mystery behind Snakeboots. I want more. [But I'm tired at the moment. :( ]

As for errors, there's only one thing that bothered me: "Curriers"
I think you meant "Couriers" which are people or animals that deliver stuff. "Curriers" however are described as "specialists in the leather industry" and "one that prepares tanned hides for use" according to dictionaries online.
6/2/2013 c1 4Lolitroy

So far, I like the detail, which kind of reminds me to and old era since she's riding Daunt, but then comes that dudette with a can, so... is this a kind of post-apocalyptic era? If so, it's awesome!

I feel like most of the chapter was just dialogue, and didn't really give much info other than some personal stuff, which I don't think creates much interest, at least for me. But so far, the overall idea has been good and I like the mystery behind the Snakeboots.

Keep it up!
10/21/2012 c7 99Dreamers-Requiem
Really enjoyed the chapter - loved the action, and I think you managed to keep everything clear while events happened. Carnival is interesting, and I like how even though it's sort of his POV, you don't give too much away. The hints there are brilliant and almost evil in how subtle they are (Time being a proper noun, for example, though I may be way off the mark with that). I really like the way the two characters react to events around them, such as Snakeboots almost praying for the door to open. Great stuff!
7/3/2012 c6 Dreamers-Requiem
As usual, I really like the balence between description and dialogue. it's handed skillfully. You introduce characters really well, too, making them stand out and memroable even if they are only in it for a brief amount of time. Great job at showing the characters via dialogue and action, too, rather than simply stating it and telling the audience what they're like. I really like the relationship between Ras and Rhee; they seem to get on well, and respect each other, and I think it's rare to see that kind of equality between characters. Great stuff.
6/15/2012 c5 Dreamers-Requiem
I really like Lyria. Actually, there were no characters in this chapter I didn't like; the way they're written is very human, very realistic and I think the way you reveal parts of them at a time works brilliantly. I do like how we're learning a lot more about Lyria, too - stubborn, determined and looking for an adventure. What's not to like about her? I like the internal conflict about carrying on, too. Again, very human and realistic. Loved the writing style, dialogue and description, and the interaction between Rich and Lyria has me hoping for more of those two in the future. Great, great stuff.
5/14/2012 c4 Dreamers-Requiem
I can't explain how much I'm enjoying this. As far as I can tell, the writing is spot on, and you manage to convey Lyria's thoughts and feelings in a way that makes it enjoyable to read. I like her determination to go with him, to actually be involved in something, and I think you built it up well enough so it wasn't a shock or surprise when she said she wanted to go. The only thing I noticed was with [And if it destroyed the ancients and caused the collapse..."] The 'and' in that sentence makes it just a little awkward, maybe consider cutting it out? Other than that, really good stuff and I will, as usual, be back to read more as soon as I can.
4/16/2012 c3 Dreamers-Requiem
Interesting chapter, although I would suggest cutting some of the paragraphs; in some places, they're just a little too long. Maybe try spreading the background information out a bit, too, just so it doesn't become too much of an info-dump for the reader. [right on the diagonal "Haylel Line,"] reads odd with the Haylel Line in speech marks - you could just drop them, it doesn't really need to be seperated from the rest of the text. I do really like the world you're building up here, and the story itself is gripping. Great stuff.
4/13/2012 c3 4lookingwest
For a consistent narrative, I would always use Rassendyl-not Ras, not Snakeboots. Only use a nickname during dialogue. This was another advice I was given by a professor, so do with it what you will.

I found the first half of this chapter kind of dry and boring. It was like a giant descriptive information dump...which I mean, I think the background of the cities, especially Peabody, and then the Roses and Thorns, was vital and good to know, but it went on for so long with so much background that I started to feel some of the information could have been put elsewhere in the story, like within the next few chapters etc. I also wasn't sure about having Ras introspectively thinking about all of this information-it felt a little unnatural that he would pause to think of all these things.

Did enjoy the moment with the starts though! You did a great job describing the here-and-now setting.

And just as stealthily whispered, "this is no..." [Edit: capitalize "This"]

...as she noticed, "so you're here..." [Edit: capitalize "so"]

By the way, I enjoyed the introduction of Marlena too, and I like how their conversation takes place. You incorporate the setting well with the Ice Hill mention too. It flowed well and picked up the pacing.

I liked that we got a mention of Rhee and Edrick too, and that they came back into the picture. You joined them together well. You've created a very cool rivalry with this Rose and Thorn thing! Great set up for conflict and I love how you've already started incorporating the plot-or what I assume is the plot! Well done!
4/13/2012 c2 lookingwest
"...to be found". [Edit: period needs to be after "found"]

"And you as well". [Edit: period needs to be after "well"]

She was the only available monk... [Even though this is a Fantasy novel, I found it strange that she isn't referred to as a "nun". If you're going to use the Catholic religious language like "monk", why not just use the woman-term "nun" to indicate women? Even if the religion is different, I would almost then change the word "monk" to mean something different-it just has such a loaded meaning that lasts how many centuries in our realistic world.]

Noticed "ok" was mis-spelled again in this chapter.

Very unique opening to this chapter. I found it kind of cool that it appears you've created your own religion. The passage felt so conversational too, which I also thought was unique given an ordinary Bible verse can be so formal depending on the version.

I'm not sure I like that the name Rhee is so similar to Rassendyl...if you ever go back to revise this draft, I'd suggest changing one of their names, probably Rhee's, because I've always been told to differentiate between character names visually too.

Enjoyed the action scene towards the end, I think it characterized Rhee really well. And I look forward to learning more about this Edrick character.
4/13/2012 c1 lookingwest
"Ok," Lyria started again. [Edit: "Ok" if you just use the two letters, should both be capitalized, otherwise you have to spell it out "okay". Also for stylistic reasons I would omit "again"]

If it's ok... [same as above]

Otherwise I found this a refreshing read for edits, I didn't find anything too jarring and the style had a good flow :)

The setting in this story is what intrigued me the most right off. I found the mention of horses interesting when it was mixed with the visual of the lawn gnomes. Since this is Fantasy I definitely got that fantastical vibe as far as the descriptions of the surroundings, it felt like a new world mixed with old world. The reporting with the pen and pad was interesting too-it made me wonder if electronics exist at all, like tape recorders. But then I'm guessing not, so the different ways you sprinkled in those details were wonderfully done.

Very interested in this Snakboots character, especially given he's the title character too! I loved how you left out the name and reveal until the end, I thought that was a good device. I felt using a reporter questioning another character about the lead a clever way to introduce all this information. No one can accuse of info dumping because it fits perfectly with Lyria's character intent and plot-wise it also fits in, so that was wonderfully done.
4/13/2012 c7 DutchAver
This 'Carnival' sounds like the creature Rassendyl is looking for - at least, I believed that until the last paragraph. Now, I more strongly believe that Carnival's the one Rassendyl and Rhee have to kill before they'll get access to the archives.

It was a surprise to find Edrick be a mole. I guess Carnival is the one who commanded the death of Rass and Rhee, and needed Edrick to help? I wonder how the pair is going to react to his death, and when they will find out that he was on the wrong side.

You've thrown enough hints for us to see that this is a postapocalyptic world, after a war, and that New York(among other cities) lies in ruins now. I have a theory - I think that this 'God' Rassendyl is looking for, is actually a product of that war. We're given enough clues to think that the 'God' in this story actually isn't God, so I think it's either a very strong (possibly nuclear) weapon, or it's someone whose powers were strengthened by technology.

This story is great and I love your writing style, as always. I think this is your best story so far. Can't wait to read more :)

Discovered one mistake:

'Thenhe steepled his hands ' There's supposed to be a space between then and he.

Update soon!
4/11/2012 c6 DutchAver
Lord Greyford sounds like someone who is capable of breaking all kinds of prejudices - at first glance, he seems like a terrible leader, but I think he's got a very strong mind.

However, what bothers me about him is that it seems he's only in it for his own profit - he wants his daughter to be rescued(okay) and he wants Rassendyl and Rhee to do his dirty work(not so okay).

I loved the description of the city in this chapter: it's not too much description, but neither is it too little. I think I've said this before - descriptions are really your forte, which is why you're probably so good in fantasy.

Keep it up :)

(Could you review I Never in return for me? Thanks)
4/10/2012 c7 7AlexandrineisaBird

Randall, that was *so* good. The only thing I was going to offer as a suggestion was that Edrick's character didn't seem to exactly fit with his sudden role and it seemed a little fast for him to suddenly have so much. But you addressed that at the end so you're already aware of that!

Which means I have nothing but awe to express over this chapter. It was so well written and I am dying to know what happens next. Your descriptions were superb and not superfluous in the slightest. Carnival (*awesome name* btw) is so intriguing and some sort of opposing force to "God"? But he doesn't seem incredibly terrible and omg I just don't know what to think but I keep thinking. Which is really good! I really have nothing but love for this chapter so *awesome* job! And the characters relationships were great! I just cannot wait for the next chapter! Like, everything was just spot on and, basically, yeah, lovely, lovely job!

I am really going to miss Edrick though, especially now, poor guy :-(.
3/30/2012 c5 DutchAver
Again, sorry for the delay. I hate university sometimes -.- But I've finished my exams, so I've got some time to spare!

I wonder what Rich has done. I don't like his father anyway - I don't think any proper father would send their son into such danger... but that could just be me.

Lyria's travelling with the bad guys? Forgive me if I'm wrong, but this is not the group Rassendyl/Snakeboots is in. They're hunting for him, so that makes either Snakeboots or Brockport's group the bad guys. Very interesting indeed.

What are you going to do in the next chapters? Continue with switching of POV? Whatever you do, it'll surely be interesting =D

(Could you please review I Never for me in return? Thanks)
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