for A Simple Note11/13/2009 c1 
30sophiesix
There is so much about this I like, but also a lot that kind of jars with me too.
Plot: The mood is beautiful sad and soft and dreary (in a good way :) ), well built by a soft, dripping pace, effective description of the girl, the rain etc. Her difficulty in letting go was a bit of a mystery until the nature of the passing became clear at the end, so nicely handled mysteriousness throughout. “The note remains ordinary” I found this para really cryptic though, but also kinda intriguing. What first threw be off base was that the note remained ordinary despite being covered in tears, rain and washed out swirls of ink, and obviously having significance for the girl. To me, even if it had been ordinary to start with, it isn’t anymore…?
Opening
The first sentence was intriguing and made you wonder how and why and what about and all sorts of things. The second sentence had some beautiful, fresh and effective description, by I couldn’t quite reconcile the ‘soundless whistles’ to the moistness of the air, to me it was either a description of a wind or of peoples faces, mouths forming o’s of shock and sadness.
Descriptions
You have some awesome descriptions, such as:
“ink that runs down her fingers like blood.” Great image
“The hours pass slowly and soon the soft rain buds turn into fierce droplets as if they evolved in a day. Her clothes are now soaked to her skin, her eyes brim red, and the note is soaking in water and ink.” Love the passage of time, the evolution, and the sheer wetness of it all!
“Outside the gate that marks the living from the dead, people pass by mindlessly.” Love that demarkation
“Their thin bark is quenched with water” lovely, really makes it seemed like the trees have skin
“The thought of betraying him in such a way” I love that idea of betraying some one by living when they are dead
But sometimes you’re descriptions don’t sit right with me. e.g. “raining dew” was a bit confusing. I talkied myself into believing this was referring to her tears, but it was awkward.
“The grass beneath her feet becomes permanently flat, thinking she will never move off of its steel green blades.”
‘Steel Blades’ made me think ‘tough’, which jarred with flat, and her sort of soft sadness. To be able to flatten tehm she must be strong, which didn’t seem to gel with how you’d depicted her so far.
“As people leave the place her heart hangs;” I didn’t like the vague of “the place” at this stage in the piece. If its important to you to keep the location underwraps for a little longer, consider having either a non-summative descriptor like ‘the lawns’ or just leave it as ‘As people leave, her heart hangs;”
“stands weakly” Some of your description are so awesome, I felt you could have done better with that one. Another verb could be used that encompasses both stand and weak, e.g. something like sway, or she could be compared to something equally weak, or…?
Word choice
“However, she can never forget what was” however made me think ‘what was’ was not actual cheerful, which the next sentence belies, so I’m not sure about that word choice
“All the wonderful things are gone as the gravestone gleams with raindrops.” The word gleam brought to mind the beauty of raindrops, which is incongruous with the first half of the sentence. Maybe consider talking about the beauty of the raindrops first, but then saying she doesn’t saee it, that for her, all the wonderful things are gone now, or something?
grammar
“What now... is completely changed.” There feels like there a missing word there somewhere? Maybe ‘What is now… is completely changed’?
“not noticing the weeping girl shaking with weakness.” I felt the ‘shaking with weakness’ at the end seemed to overextend this sentence a bit, like you were trying to cram too much in? maybe its the repetition of -ing (blaring vibrating shaking weeping). Consider something like splitting it into two sentences, or restructuring to avoid one of the –ings.
“The darkness swallows her up like a black hole eliminating life, and yet, she refuses to believe that this world is forever permanent and things like hate, love, life, and death can not unwither for the very will.” Wow long sentence! Also unwither for the very will sounded odd to me. Consider something like ‘be unwithered by the force of will alone’ or something.
“a silly matter as death.” A silly matter like death, such a silly matter as death
“Their aged hearts have grown cold as they watch mourning humans crawl their way out of the sacred ground with heavy hearts” this makes me wonder if they are talking of the mourners leaving the burial grounds or the buried leaving their plots?
“as if she is hanging on for life” clinging on to life?
Verb tense
“As her breathing steadily continues her guilt grew in the pits of her heart” her guilt was growing?
“All the air she takes in, all the breaths her lungs suck is one simpler, pleasant function he will never do again.” If you have ‘all’, the I think you need ‘functions’. Otherwise, I think you need ‘each’ instead of ‘all’.
“To think that the last thing he would have done was thought of her.” Think of her? Or else it might need to be ‘the last thing he did’. So sweet the images in the rest of this para
“letting the note suck in the sweet, brown dirt that grazed its tips.” Grazes?
Ending:
My initial thought was that you could have left the ending with just the note, but once a read it again I kinda liked that extra little denouement, especially returning to the personification of death laughing at her/them, which left it it on a effective sour note :) and also tied it back to the beginning I now realise, tough I didn’t remember the beginning by that stage, the first time I read it.
The main character is very sympathetic IMO, and the relationship between her and the deceased very sweetly realized. My main cc’s would be to establish the scene a little earlier and watch the verb tenses in the latter parts of the text. A gorgeous piece, congrats!
30sophiesixThere is so much about this I like, but also a lot that kind of jars with me too.
Plot: The mood is beautiful sad and soft and dreary (in a good way :) ), well built by a soft, dripping pace, effective description of the girl, the rain etc. Her difficulty in letting go was a bit of a mystery until the nature of the passing became clear at the end, so nicely handled mysteriousness throughout. “The note remains ordinary” I found this para really cryptic though, but also kinda intriguing. What first threw be off base was that the note remained ordinary despite being covered in tears, rain and washed out swirls of ink, and obviously having significance for the girl. To me, even if it had been ordinary to start with, it isn’t anymore…?
Opening
The first sentence was intriguing and made you wonder how and why and what about and all sorts of things. The second sentence had some beautiful, fresh and effective description, by I couldn’t quite reconcile the ‘soundless whistles’ to the moistness of the air, to me it was either a description of a wind or of peoples faces, mouths forming o’s of shock and sadness.
Descriptions
You have some awesome descriptions, such as:
“ink that runs down her fingers like blood.” Great image
“The hours pass slowly and soon the soft rain buds turn into fierce droplets as if they evolved in a day. Her clothes are now soaked to her skin, her eyes brim red, and the note is soaking in water and ink.” Love the passage of time, the evolution, and the sheer wetness of it all!
“Outside the gate that marks the living from the dead, people pass by mindlessly.” Love that demarkation
“Their thin bark is quenched with water” lovely, really makes it seemed like the trees have skin
“The thought of betraying him in such a way” I love that idea of betraying some one by living when they are dead
But sometimes you’re descriptions don’t sit right with me. e.g. “raining dew” was a bit confusing. I talkied myself into believing this was referring to her tears, but it was awkward.
“The grass beneath her feet becomes permanently flat, thinking she will never move off of its steel green blades.”
‘Steel Blades’ made me think ‘tough’, which jarred with flat, and her sort of soft sadness. To be able to flatten tehm she must be strong, which didn’t seem to gel with how you’d depicted her so far.
“As people leave the place her heart hangs;” I didn’t like the vague of “the place” at this stage in the piece. If its important to you to keep the location underwraps for a little longer, consider having either a non-summative descriptor like ‘the lawns’ or just leave it as ‘As people leave, her heart hangs;”
“stands weakly” Some of your description are so awesome, I felt you could have done better with that one. Another verb could be used that encompasses both stand and weak, e.g. something like sway, or she could be compared to something equally weak, or…?
Word choice
“However, she can never forget what was” however made me think ‘what was’ was not actual cheerful, which the next sentence belies, so I’m not sure about that word choice
“All the wonderful things are gone as the gravestone gleams with raindrops.” The word gleam brought to mind the beauty of raindrops, which is incongruous with the first half of the sentence. Maybe consider talking about the beauty of the raindrops first, but then saying she doesn’t saee it, that for her, all the wonderful things are gone now, or something?
grammar
“What now... is completely changed.” There feels like there a missing word there somewhere? Maybe ‘What is now… is completely changed’?
“not noticing the weeping girl shaking with weakness.” I felt the ‘shaking with weakness’ at the end seemed to overextend this sentence a bit, like you were trying to cram too much in? maybe its the repetition of -ing (blaring vibrating shaking weeping). Consider something like splitting it into two sentences, or restructuring to avoid one of the –ings.
“The darkness swallows her up like a black hole eliminating life, and yet, she refuses to believe that this world is forever permanent and things like hate, love, life, and death can not unwither for the very will.” Wow long sentence! Also unwither for the very will sounded odd to me. Consider something like ‘be unwithered by the force of will alone’ or something.
“a silly matter as death.” A silly matter like death, such a silly matter as death
“Their aged hearts have grown cold as they watch mourning humans crawl their way out of the sacred ground with heavy hearts” this makes me wonder if they are talking of the mourners leaving the burial grounds or the buried leaving their plots?
“as if she is hanging on for life” clinging on to life?
Verb tense
“As her breathing steadily continues her guilt grew in the pits of her heart” her guilt was growing?
“All the air she takes in, all the breaths her lungs suck is one simpler, pleasant function he will never do again.” If you have ‘all’, the I think you need ‘functions’. Otherwise, I think you need ‘each’ instead of ‘all’.
“To think that the last thing he would have done was thought of her.” Think of her? Or else it might need to be ‘the last thing he did’. So sweet the images in the rest of this para
“letting the note suck in the sweet, brown dirt that grazed its tips.” Grazes?
Ending:
My initial thought was that you could have left the ending with just the note, but once a read it again I kinda liked that extra little denouement, especially returning to the personification of death laughing at her/them, which left it it on a effective sour note :) and also tied it back to the beginning I now realise, tough I didn’t remember the beginning by that stage, the first time I read it.
The main character is very sympathetic IMO, and the relationship between her and the deceased very sweetly realized. My main cc’s would be to establish the scene a little earlier and watch the verb tenses in the latter parts of the text. A gorgeous piece, congrats!
8/27/2009 c1 6When Eden Burns
I've read through some of your older stuff and I have to say - I think this is the first piece that really shows how your talent is blossoming. Your personal style of prose (lots of imagery and powerful emotional words) and placed in what is probably your most creative, and profound piece yet. This is exactly the reason you should keep writing. Anyway, that said, I hope you'll understand my critiques are in the interest of being honest. =]
Anyway, here's my review for the writing contest:
[Characters]
Many of the emotions were very believable. I think you did a good job of imagining the pain and suffering that comes from losing true love. There weren't any moments that felt out of character to me.
[Writing]
Your prose, to me, is an odd thing to describe. You obviously have a talent for imagery and elegant writing. I think some of it is just clouded by excessive description and sentences that my sound cool when read aloud but really don't mean anything to the reader. Ex: soundless whistles. I think what your writing needs most is serious revision. Go back and cut what's unnecessary. Stephen King can be quoted saying that the second draft should equal the first draft minus 10%. Make it more concise. More to the point.
[Pace]
I think the pace is severely affected by the fluffy stuff left in the prose. It would flow much more smoothly with a bit of cutting. Eliminate the excess fat that makes it feel slow, you know?
[Plot]
That said, I think the plotting of this piece is what made it your best yet. It was a very well set up piece. Your others seemed to lack a hardened backbone. This one, however, has a clear point and structure to it. I loved that you waited to show the letter until the end. It gave it serious emotional weight. It honestly stung me when I read it.
Oh, and lastly. I loved that little detail about twirling her hair when she read the letter. Details like that make the story feel real.
6When Eden BurnsI've read through some of your older stuff and I have to say - I think this is the first piece that really shows how your talent is blossoming. Your personal style of prose (lots of imagery and powerful emotional words) and placed in what is probably your most creative, and profound piece yet. This is exactly the reason you should keep writing. Anyway, that said, I hope you'll understand my critiques are in the interest of being honest. =]
Anyway, here's my review for the writing contest:
[Characters]
Many of the emotions were very believable. I think you did a good job of imagining the pain and suffering that comes from losing true love. There weren't any moments that felt out of character to me.
[Writing]
Your prose, to me, is an odd thing to describe. You obviously have a talent for imagery and elegant writing. I think some of it is just clouded by excessive description and sentences that my sound cool when read aloud but really don't mean anything to the reader. Ex: soundless whistles. I think what your writing needs most is serious revision. Go back and cut what's unnecessary. Stephen King can be quoted saying that the second draft should equal the first draft minus 10%. Make it more concise. More to the point.
[Pace]
I think the pace is severely affected by the fluffy stuff left in the prose. It would flow much more smoothly with a bit of cutting. Eliminate the excess fat that makes it feel slow, you know?
[Plot]
That said, I think the plotting of this piece is what made it your best yet. It was a very well set up piece. Your others seemed to lack a hardened backbone. This one, however, has a clear point and structure to it. I loved that you waited to show the letter until the end. It gave it serious emotional weight. It honestly stung me when I read it.
Oh, and lastly. I loved that little detail about twirling her hair when she read the letter. Details like that make the story feel real.
8/27/2009 c1 15Denizen47
For such a theme which has been overdone and butchered to death on fictionpress you've managed to execute it well and with an accomplished touch. There was an almost cathartic tone to the story, as you lay on the imagery of this simple scene thickly and leave the reader feeling more resigned to fate than rolling their eyes at the well worn story.
Which is possibly my main qualm, a personal preference in most cases but the ending I didn't like. The ending seems to tear away all the ambiguity, the soft anguish of our protagonist is replaced instead with what is a run of the mill accident affecting those left behind. I think it would've worked better for the reader to not know what the note says, as it is already hinted at before. And the attempt to deliver an ironic punch at the end seems more forced than anything.
There were only a few grammatical hiccups that I could spot.
[Everything thing seems to blur in a haze that cannot be seen.]
Repetition of thing.
[What now...is completely changed.]
A space needed between ellipsis and is.
And I'm guessing any others have been picked up by previous reviewers.
Your writing style to me comes across as someone clamouring to show off their grasp of the english language. A lot of listing things and not integrating descriptions - which is understandable given the nature of the piece. However you should be mindful of this in future work, try not to overdo it and don't be afraid to use the most simple solution to a writing problem.
My favourite piece of this was your depiction of Death, a menacing presence throughout. Introduced in a killer first line and tied up at the end with another. It seems that Death is the thread that binds the whole story together, which is where the strength of the story lies - in depicting the greater picture in a single scene. I'm not sure if you've tried or not before, but I'd like to see you try your hand at poetry.
Well done on winning the WCC.
15Denizen47For such a theme which has been overdone and butchered to death on fictionpress you've managed to execute it well and with an accomplished touch. There was an almost cathartic tone to the story, as you lay on the imagery of this simple scene thickly and leave the reader feeling more resigned to fate than rolling their eyes at the well worn story.
Which is possibly my main qualm, a personal preference in most cases but the ending I didn't like. The ending seems to tear away all the ambiguity, the soft anguish of our protagonist is replaced instead with what is a run of the mill accident affecting those left behind. I think it would've worked better for the reader to not know what the note says, as it is already hinted at before. And the attempt to deliver an ironic punch at the end seems more forced than anything.
There were only a few grammatical hiccups that I could spot.
[Everything thing seems to blur in a haze that cannot be seen.]
Repetition of thing.
[What now...is completely changed.]
A space needed between ellipsis and is.
And I'm guessing any others have been picked up by previous reviewers.
Your writing style to me comes across as someone clamouring to show off their grasp of the english language. A lot of listing things and not integrating descriptions - which is understandable given the nature of the piece. However you should be mindful of this in future work, try not to overdo it and don't be afraid to use the most simple solution to a writing problem.
My favourite piece of this was your depiction of Death, a menacing presence throughout. Introduced in a killer first line and tied up at the end with another. It seems that Death is the thread that binds the whole story together, which is where the strength of the story lies - in depicting the greater picture in a single scene. I'm not sure if you've tried or not before, but I'd like to see you try your hand at poetry.
Well done on winning the WCC.
8/26/2009 c1 13gigglebug
muffins! :D
I love the imagery in the first few paragraphs. They're very accurate, even sharp - just like the emotions she's feeling.
Oh! At first I thought the note was a suicide note or something, but what you put is so different! SAD! :( If she's pregnant, though, shouldn't she have some kind of hope for the life she's about to bring into the world? Maybe that's just me. /aside
[[Everything thing seems to blur in a haze]] one too many "thing". :P
I really liked the way you brought us into the note and told us what it said. It kept a nice veil of mystery and kept the reader intrigued. hooray! I thought it was interesting that you embodied Chris into a note after he died - whether this was intentional or not, it's a good touch. By letting go of the note, she let go of him. I hope she didn't really let go of his memory - you know, forgive and forget? nevermind. tangent!
There's something about the last line that irks me, though. Death is laughing, right? "Howling" makes me think of howling in grief, not laughter. Perhaps that's because wolf - Fang - her RGFF - sad! I dunno. I would think about trying to fit in a different word that works a little better. is my favorite friend for this kind of stuff.)
anyways, congrats on WCC!
~Sheriff
13gigglebugmuffins! :D
I love the imagery in the first few paragraphs. They're very accurate, even sharp - just like the emotions she's feeling.
Oh! At first I thought the note was a suicide note or something, but what you put is so different! SAD! :( If she's pregnant, though, shouldn't she have some kind of hope for the life she's about to bring into the world? Maybe that's just me. /aside
[[Everything thing seems to blur in a haze]] one too many "thing". :P
I really liked the way you brought us into the note and told us what it said. It kept a nice veil of mystery and kept the reader intrigued. hooray! I thought it was interesting that you embodied Chris into a note after he died - whether this was intentional or not, it's a good touch. By letting go of the note, she let go of him. I hope she didn't really let go of his memory - you know, forgive and forget? nevermind. tangent!
There's something about the last line that irks me, though. Death is laughing, right? "Howling" makes me think of howling in grief, not laughter. Perhaps that's because wolf - Fang - her RGFF - sad! I dunno. I would think about trying to fit in a different word that works a little better. is my favorite friend for this kind of stuff.)
anyways, congrats on WCC!
~Sheriff
8/25/2009 c1 Royal Bliss
As others have said before, you have a very good first line. It catches the readers attention right away. However, you seem to be big on adjectives... Adjectives aren't bad if they're thrown in here and there, but at some parts it seemed like you over did it. It was a little unnecessary:
"The air is /moist/ with sorrow and /soundless/ whistles"
I've never heard "moist" used in that way... I've heard the air described as "damp" which is essentially the same thing but it's more commonly said... even "heavy" or "thick" would work as well... As for "soundless whistles", sure that sounds nice, but it makes no sense. Soundless and Whistle cancel each other out.
"It drips as the ink becomes /wet/ with the /raining/ dew."
There is no such thing as "raining dew". Dew is water vapor condensation.
"The girl is weeping /softly/"
Having the word "softly" in there is unnecessary because the word weeping already suggests soft cries.
Anyway, this story starts off "extremely sad" and that might be a turn off for some readers, as if the author is trying to over milk sympathy. I'd suggest you tone it down a bit next time but that is totally up to you seeing how it is your writing... so it's a suggestion, take it or leave it.
As for plot, there isn't much going on in this story until the near end where it goes into explaining her situation. I really think that this story could be drawn out more, because her situation is interesting (as sick as that sounds) even as a one-shot.
I like that you kind of personified Death... assuming that at least by the capitalization of the D. There aren't too many stories I've read where that happened... maybe at least two others besides this one. Nice.
BAH... Anyway, I tend to stay away from these kinds of stories because they usually kill my mood. I'm kind of glad I read this one though because I really like how you pulled off the end, having the first sentence and the last sentence be very similar... it adds a sarcastic tone to it all.
Nice job, yo.
As others have said before, you have a very good first line. It catches the readers attention right away. However, you seem to be big on adjectives... Adjectives aren't bad if they're thrown in here and there, but at some parts it seemed like you over did it. It was a little unnecessary:
"The air is /moist/ with sorrow and /soundless/ whistles"
I've never heard "moist" used in that way... I've heard the air described as "damp" which is essentially the same thing but it's more commonly said... even "heavy" or "thick" would work as well... As for "soundless whistles", sure that sounds nice, but it makes no sense. Soundless and Whistle cancel each other out.
"It drips as the ink becomes /wet/ with the /raining/ dew."
There is no such thing as "raining dew". Dew is water vapor condensation.
"The girl is weeping /softly/"
Having the word "softly" in there is unnecessary because the word weeping already suggests soft cries.
Anyway, this story starts off "extremely sad" and that might be a turn off for some readers, as if the author is trying to over milk sympathy. I'd suggest you tone it down a bit next time but that is totally up to you seeing how it is your writing... so it's a suggestion, take it or leave it.
As for plot, there isn't much going on in this story until the near end where it goes into explaining her situation. I really think that this story could be drawn out more, because her situation is interesting (as sick as that sounds) even as a one-shot.
I like that you kind of personified Death... assuming that at least by the capitalization of the D. There aren't too many stories I've read where that happened... maybe at least two others besides this one. Nice.
BAH... Anyway, I tend to stay away from these kinds of stories because they usually kill my mood. I'm kind of glad I read this one though because I really like how you pulled off the end, having the first sentence and the last sentence be very similar... it adds a sarcastic tone to it all.
Nice job, yo.
8/23/2009 c1 2dragonflydreamer
Congrats on winning the Review Game's WCC! :D Here's your prize review:
I really love the [opening]. It immediately caught my attention. Honestly, it reminded me of "The Book Thief" (amazing book, in case you haven't read it), which definitely got me interested in the story.
The [writing] was incredibly well done. The descriptions were so vivid that I could picture every little thing that was going on, and the tone was so strong that it pulled me right into the emotions of the piece. A few things I noticed, though. First, you used descriptions with commas a lot, such as "Love, hate, life, and death are smeared into one" and "its happy moments, laughing and smiles, and a loving feeling deep within her heart." It was particularly groups of threes that I noticed the most. A few of them are good because they give the words a distinct pulse, but I felt this format was overused. The other thing I noticed about the descriptions was that some of them were repeated similarly, such as the gate dividing the living and the dead and the mention of the running ink. The repitition would work well over a broader span to create circularity, but it wasn't as effective in close context.
Definitely an interesting [plot.] The whole staring at a gravvestone thing is pretty overused, but you really brought so many elements into it that I wanted to read on the whole time. Even the pregnant woman losing a husband wasn't incredibly original, but the way you let the story unfold slowly, making the readers guess at what's happening, kept me hooked. I particularly liked that you added in the note. It explained a lot about the situation in a natural way. I also liked how you referred to the woman as "girl." Seeing as she's pregnant and living with a significant other, she would have to be at least a young woman, but "girl" but her seem so much more innocent and abandoned.
Great [ending]. For some reason, something about it didn't feel complete, like there was something more-in a good way! It gave me the feeling that the sorrow she was feeling has no end. I think the best part about the ending was the insertation of the note. Besides the reasons I just mentioned, the tone was such a contrast to the rest of the piece that it really brought out the bitterness of the end.
Really amazing piece. I enjoyed reading it :)
2dragonflydreamerCongrats on winning the Review Game's WCC! :D Here's your prize review:
I really love the [opening]. It immediately caught my attention. Honestly, it reminded me of "The Book Thief" (amazing book, in case you haven't read it), which definitely got me interested in the story.
The [writing] was incredibly well done. The descriptions were so vivid that I could picture every little thing that was going on, and the tone was so strong that it pulled me right into the emotions of the piece. A few things I noticed, though. First, you used descriptions with commas a lot, such as "Love, hate, life, and death are smeared into one" and "its happy moments, laughing and smiles, and a loving feeling deep within her heart." It was particularly groups of threes that I noticed the most. A few of them are good because they give the words a distinct pulse, but I felt this format was overused. The other thing I noticed about the descriptions was that some of them were repeated similarly, such as the gate dividing the living and the dead and the mention of the running ink. The repitition would work well over a broader span to create circularity, but it wasn't as effective in close context.
Definitely an interesting [plot.] The whole staring at a gravvestone thing is pretty overused, but you really brought so many elements into it that I wanted to read on the whole time. Even the pregnant woman losing a husband wasn't incredibly original, but the way you let the story unfold slowly, making the readers guess at what's happening, kept me hooked. I particularly liked that you added in the note. It explained a lot about the situation in a natural way. I also liked how you referred to the woman as "girl." Seeing as she's pregnant and living with a significant other, she would have to be at least a young woman, but "girl" but her seem so much more innocent and abandoned.
Great [ending]. For some reason, something about it didn't feel complete, like there was something more-in a good way! It gave me the feeling that the sorrow she was feeling has no end. I think the best part about the ending was the insertation of the note. Besides the reasons I just mentioned, the tone was such a contrast to the rest of the piece that it really brought out the bitterness of the end.
Really amazing piece. I enjoyed reading it :)
8/21/2009 c1 17bunny.one.three
Oh, shucks. How sad. Which I strangely liked. I also especially liked the last parts, the note made such impact you don't just see everyday. I think this is quite original and well written.
As much as I liked the whole piece, too much description kinda just drags on the story which I didn't like so much. Or maybe it's just me. Oh well. It sure was written nicely, but there were some unnecessary parts.
All in all, you did a brilliant job.
17bunny.one.threeOh, shucks. How sad. Which I strangely liked. I also especially liked the last parts, the note made such impact you don't just see everyday. I think this is quite original and well written.
As much as I liked the whole piece, too much description kinda just drags on the story which I didn't like so much. Or maybe it's just me. Oh well. It sure was written nicely, but there were some unnecessary parts.
All in all, you did a brilliant job.
8/21/2009 c1 1kangtheconcorer
That was a good story.You should try to use more metaphors for the word death otherwise the story seems redundant.
1kangtheconcorerThat was a good story.You should try to use more metaphors for the word death otherwise the story seems redundant.
8/21/2009 c1 5whisper-sweet-nothings
Aw how sad! A simple shopping trip ended his life :( It was strange for me to read though, because my name is Christina, and a few people call me Chris... uh, yeah, it is a great one shot! Even though it's really sad. Do I get the yummy muffins now? haha keep writing!
5whisper-sweet-nothingsAw how sad! A simple shopping trip ended his life :( It was strange for me to read though, because my name is Christina, and a few people call me Chris... uh, yeah, it is a great one shot! Even though it's really sad. Do I get the yummy muffins now? haha keep writing!
8/21/2009 c1 1soojinyeh
That opening line. EPIC. It drew me in at once; it was one of those rare openings that immediately makes you curious about the story. So poetic at the same time.
The writing is just a little bit too prose-y. Description is good; but too much makes it sound sappy. Especially with genres that are already heavy with emotion. There is such a thing as too much of a good thing, you know? Not that it was that overtly flowery, but at times I felt like it was just a little bit much.
The ending was just as great as the opening line. It did a good job of wrapping up everything I'd been reading and finally giving me an answer. So...he died, most likely in an accident, while going grocery shopping.
I did enjoy this piece; it was very well written. However, I do think it could use some more plot in it, even if it is a one-shot. Rather than merely describing her sadness and feelings, you could've conveyed a message through her actions. Nice job.
1soojinyehThat opening line. EPIC. It drew me in at once; it was one of those rare openings that immediately makes you curious about the story. So poetic at the same time.
The writing is just a little bit too prose-y. Description is good; but too much makes it sound sappy. Especially with genres that are already heavy with emotion. There is such a thing as too much of a good thing, you know? Not that it was that overtly flowery, but at times I felt like it was just a little bit much.
The ending was just as great as the opening line. It did a good job of wrapping up everything I'd been reading and finally giving me an answer. So...he died, most likely in an accident, while going grocery shopping.
I did enjoy this piece; it was very well written. However, I do think it could use some more plot in it, even if it is a one-shot. Rather than merely describing her sadness and feelings, you could've conveyed a message through her actions. Nice job.
8/21/2009 c1 U know me D
Um a bit emo much?
But I suppose it's good..
..very good :)
Um a bit emo much?
But I suppose it's good..
..very good :)