
8/2/2011 c1 too.much.of.water
Aha, I love Louise, I was reading Vogue at nine. Thought it was bullshit but my mother thought I was wonderful. This one made me laugh a lot. It's so beautifully original, a snapshot of youth and I'd love for it to be continued. The line about her sex life killed me. This is wonderfully written and your imagery, especially concerning Louise's clothes is lovely, good job :)
Aha, I love Louise, I was reading Vogue at nine. Thought it was bullshit but my mother thought I was wonderful. This one made me laugh a lot. It's so beautifully original, a snapshot of youth and I'd love for it to be continued. The line about her sex life killed me. This is wonderfully written and your imagery, especially concerning Louise's clothes is lovely, good job :)
6/29/2010 c1
2MidnightblueAurora
It's actually quite intriguing. The description was really good if that's what you were focusing on. I didn't have to guess Louise's age and Bobby was really cute. The way she switched from wanting to be like Louise to almost hating her captured the childlike quality of extremes perfectly :) And yes, I would read it if a story started this way. Of course, it goes without saying that you'd have to ensure it wasn't cliche if you actually start developing the idea. It works well as a short story too, very cute.

It's actually quite intriguing. The description was really good if that's what you were focusing on. I didn't have to guess Louise's age and Bobby was really cute. The way she switched from wanting to be like Louise to almost hating her captured the childlike quality of extremes perfectly :) And yes, I would read it if a story started this way. Of course, it goes without saying that you'd have to ensure it wasn't cliche if you actually start developing the idea. It works well as a short story too, very cute.
9/29/2009 c1
9Sakina the Fallen Angel
I liked your ambiguity about Louise and Bobby's ages, and how you didn't reveal Bobby's age until the end, because it overthrew my expectations of this story, and shocked me quite a bit too. I mean, a nine year old girl reading Cosmo? There was also a slightly cynical tone here too that I liked, which is:
“But grown-ups like it.”
It didn’t take more than that for Bobby to understand that that meant they were supposed to like it, too.
That little bit is so true of our world and it just cried cynicism. Poor girls ~ if they're reading Cosmo at nine then they don't have a chance.
~ Sakina x

I liked your ambiguity about Louise and Bobby's ages, and how you didn't reveal Bobby's age until the end, because it overthrew my expectations of this story, and shocked me quite a bit too. I mean, a nine year old girl reading Cosmo? There was also a slightly cynical tone here too that I liked, which is:
“But grown-ups like it.”
It didn’t take more than that for Bobby to understand that that meant they were supposed to like it, too.
That little bit is so true of our world and it just cried cynicism. Poor girls ~ if they're reading Cosmo at nine then they don't have a chance.
~ Sakina x
8/27/2009 c1
10MikiSweety
[Other] I can definitely see how this would go as a long story. I suggest you expand on the idea, because right now, even though it's very captivating, it doesn't say much by itself. Though I enjoy it, it feels incomplete. I'm curious on quite a few things (like Louise. She's a charming character).
[Writing] The style fits the story well too, I have to say. You were experimenting with description, you said, and I have to say you did well, particularly at the beginning. You led down a nice path and then it went awry as you described Louise, and then it turned out she was actually only 8. It was quite funny.
[Dialogue] Everything sounds very authentic. The mother, the thoughts of Bobby, and especially Louise. I know some like her. (I think I was one). You bring out her personality without telling us.
[Grammar]
"catch up with Louise’s again “sometime soon”,"
Well, the "'s" is undoubtedly wrong. The sentence also sounded a bit awkward, but that's up to you.
"Your mother and I have been close for a long time, you know, and you two have met a few times but you were very young."
First, this strikes me as a little strange. If the mothers were close, how is it they only see each other once every year? Maybe former friends being reacquainted would be better. Also, the continuity from the last sentence. This is one I read again... but it's hard to explain so I'll just type what I think.
"Well, I'm glad you guys got to see each other again. Your mother and I were really close once, you know, so you two met once or twice, but you were very young then."
Not a major difference, but I think it conveys the meaning more clearly.

[Other] I can definitely see how this would go as a long story. I suggest you expand on the idea, because right now, even though it's very captivating, it doesn't say much by itself. Though I enjoy it, it feels incomplete. I'm curious on quite a few things (like Louise. She's a charming character).
[Writing] The style fits the story well too, I have to say. You were experimenting with description, you said, and I have to say you did well, particularly at the beginning. You led down a nice path and then it went awry as you described Louise, and then it turned out she was actually only 8. It was quite funny.
[Dialogue] Everything sounds very authentic. The mother, the thoughts of Bobby, and especially Louise. I know some like her. (I think I was one). You bring out her personality without telling us.
[Grammar]
"catch up with Louise’s again “sometime soon”,"
Well, the "'s" is undoubtedly wrong. The sentence also sounded a bit awkward, but that's up to you.
"Your mother and I have been close for a long time, you know, and you two have met a few times but you were very young."
First, this strikes me as a little strange. If the mothers were close, how is it they only see each other once every year? Maybe former friends being reacquainted would be better. Also, the continuity from the last sentence. This is one I read again... but it's hard to explain so I'll just type what I think.
"Well, I'm glad you guys got to see each other again. Your mother and I were really close once, you know, so you two met once or twice, but you were very young then."
Not a major difference, but I think it conveys the meaning more clearly.
8/25/2009 c1
1Luna Notting
Wow, this definately could be continued. I like the fact that you dont initially realise the characters ages - its better to do that rather than just come out with the usual boring 'when i was 7...' scenario. I would advise that you should flesh this out and make this a proper story, as when i was reading i was completely enthralled! I hope you carry on with this as i cant wait to find out what happens next!

Wow, this definately could be continued. I like the fact that you dont initially realise the characters ages - its better to do that rather than just come out with the usual boring 'when i was 7...' scenario. I would advise that you should flesh this out and make this a proper story, as when i was reading i was completely enthralled! I hope you carry on with this as i cant wait to find out what happens next!