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3/4/2010 c1 Deleted Forever
This was really good. Enticing, and kind of realistic, with fantasy twined into it. Excellent.
8/30/2009 c1 8Pandora's Flight
I disagree. I thought it was a very poetic portrayal of death. Embodying him within a figure was very, very clever. And the businessman aspect, that's just great.

You used a very simple writing style here, which is good for a short story like this. You got right into the plot. Usually I have trouble with that as a writer =/

Clearly, the jackals did not kill Kelsey. They represented death and Kelsey's descent into it. Like Hellhounds. Kelsey was killed by the pills, which you would have noticed if you saw deeper than the words. Good readers do that. I don't think people should critique if they aren't good readers.

The only thing (and I may have mentioned this once? I don't remember, just a speculation) that I thought was a little iffy was the beginning. I wouldn't say this to you if I didn't think you were a great writer. I always thought mirror scenes were a bit cliche, but I can get over that, because you pulled it off well.

But since we're looking at it from Ben's point of view, I don't feel like he'd describe his physical features quite that in details. I never look in the mirror and think "Gee, my medium length brown hair is pretty gnarled" ... I might think "My hair looks like shit today," but nothing like that. Make sense?

Other than that, you tackled such a deep piece with what seemed like ease. Great dialogue. Clever message. Very realistic.

Great job!

The Eternal Masquerade ♥
8/30/2009 c1 RainbowsOnFires
Nice, liked it. i guess everyone does see Death differetly.
8/30/2009 c1 5eaststar
Doesn't make a lot of sense. If the kids were killed by the explosion, why didn't Kelsey die from the pills? Why was she killed by the jackals? Besides, if death had done this before, then why wouldn't people be wondering why the dead were half-eaten in the middle of a city in their own apartment? Try to balance things out a little better/

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