for Justice9/7/2009 c1 
5karma-dollie
I enjoyed the idea behind this piece. It's thought provoking. I think you cover some pretty generally accepted ideas behind justice and injustice and how people would react in certain situations. I liked arguing against some things students chose and agreeing with others.
This could use a good proofreading though. Some of the mistakes were very basic typos. Also, the opening felt bland and sort of "hold-your-hand" when introducing the plot. I think you could find a way to weave the idea that these three students were a cut above the rest as the story went on. Maybe mention the lax attitudes of the others in the discussion bits in comparison to the three active students. I'm suddenly imagining the crowd around Hitler as the bored faces of the others. :)
By the way, when I realized what was going on in the italics, I smiled (though there was a lot of italics in that last bit so the letters started jumping a bit). It's like the discussion come to life and it's interesting how you made their conversation into a scene. I really liked that.
At first I wondered why Hitler would listen to Ariel, some random girl off the street (who doesn't speak German), but then I imagined this as if I were just saying in class, "well, I'd convince Hitler to change his ideas so he wouldn't start the Holocaust" ignoring that I'm a random person and don't speak German. I don't know if other people will wonder about this, but this is how I clarify it for myself so it's just another positive tick for your story.
Twist ending! A little cheesy, but I can't say I wasn't amused. :) I like the ending of the conversation. It was cute.
Good luck with WCC!
~Radio
5karma-dollieI enjoyed the idea behind this piece. It's thought provoking. I think you cover some pretty generally accepted ideas behind justice and injustice and how people would react in certain situations. I liked arguing against some things students chose and agreeing with others.
This could use a good proofreading though. Some of the mistakes were very basic typos. Also, the opening felt bland and sort of "hold-your-hand" when introducing the plot. I think you could find a way to weave the idea that these three students were a cut above the rest as the story went on. Maybe mention the lax attitudes of the others in the discussion bits in comparison to the three active students. I'm suddenly imagining the crowd around Hitler as the bored faces of the others. :)
By the way, when I realized what was going on in the italics, I smiled (though there was a lot of italics in that last bit so the letters started jumping a bit). It's like the discussion come to life and it's interesting how you made their conversation into a scene. I really liked that.
At first I wondered why Hitler would listen to Ariel, some random girl off the street (who doesn't speak German), but then I imagined this as if I were just saying in class, "well, I'd convince Hitler to change his ideas so he wouldn't start the Holocaust" ignoring that I'm a random person and don't speak German. I don't know if other people will wonder about this, but this is how I clarify it for myself so it's just another positive tick for your story.
Twist ending! A little cheesy, but I can't say I wasn't amused. :) I like the ending of the conversation. It was cute.
Good luck with WCC!
~Radio
9/2/2009 c1 1k+Faithless Juliet
‘Is it better to just or unjust?” ‘ - Did you maybe mean to put a ‘Be’ in there, as in “is it better to BE just or unjust.”
‘You say that thy only thing keeping you’ - I think you meant ‘the’.
I love your story. I honest to God think you should continue after the competition is over. You wave (very clearly, I might add) the aspects of philosophy, history, genocide, physiology, and conflict resolution. Your characters are clearly defined, and they act in accordance with motive and reasoning.
I also loved the ending twist. It makes me think that Augustine is a secret agent or something, and the three students will be recruited. Although you leave it open ended enough where anything could happen next. You’re a worthy contender for this months WCC. Keep up the good work.
Much love,
Juliet.
1k+Faithless Juliet‘Is it better to just or unjust?” ‘ - Did you maybe mean to put a ‘Be’ in there, as in “is it better to BE just or unjust.”
‘You say that thy only thing keeping you’ - I think you meant ‘the’.
I love your story. I honest to God think you should continue after the competition is over. You wave (very clearly, I might add) the aspects of philosophy, history, genocide, physiology, and conflict resolution. Your characters are clearly defined, and they act in accordance with motive and reasoning.
I also loved the ending twist. It makes me think that Augustine is a secret agent or something, and the three students will be recruited. Although you leave it open ended enough where anything could happen next. You’re a worthy contender for this months WCC. Keep up the good work.
Much love,
Juliet.
9/2/2009 c1 Fractured Illusion
Hi.
I didn't actually understand how the parts in italics were possible. They seemed like a simulation of sorts since they could witness things, but the regular texts indicated they stayed inside the classroom the entire time. So I am confused.
The good part is that I still enjoyed it. It was cool to bring up these philosophical questions in such a manner - putting people directly on the spot. Also liked the organization part - helped explained how these things were relevant.
"“Just because you killed Hitler, and I told you that you failed?”"
Argh what does this mean? D= Do tell.
Frac
Hi.
I didn't actually understand how the parts in italics were possible. They seemed like a simulation of sorts since they could witness things, but the regular texts indicated they stayed inside the classroom the entire time. So I am confused.
The good part is that I still enjoyed it. It was cool to bring up these philosophical questions in such a manner - putting people directly on the spot. Also liked the organization part - helped explained how these things were relevant.
"“Just because you killed Hitler, and I told you that you failed?”"
Argh what does this mean? D= Do tell.
Frac