for The Attack Of The Books9/17/2009 c1 
2Nolan Robertson
This was a very interesting little story with a unique situation I can honestly say I've never seen before. Your writing style is also great, with a good mix of dialogue, plot, and descriptive language. One thing that drives me crazy about some over-zealous writers is when they add so many dang adjectives and adverbs to 'spice things up' that you can't even read it!
I thought, however, that you rushed the story. You have a little too much plot in too little a space. I don't mean that you went too fast. The pace of the plot is all in how YOU want it to feel. What I mean is that it was too short. The girl is in the library reading...her mom is annoyed...then BAM! Books start coming out of nowhere and they get the heck out of there. I think it leaves too many questions to the audience without answers. Why are the books attacking people? What can be done about it? Also, the characters need more definition. The audience is reading that Mikayla and her mom are being attacked by books. Well, who cares? Why should we be concerned with either of them? I don't have any connection to them. All I know is that their in the library.
Your writing style is very good and you should keep it up! I just want to see more of it in one story!
2Nolan RobertsonThis was a very interesting little story with a unique situation I can honestly say I've never seen before. Your writing style is also great, with a good mix of dialogue, plot, and descriptive language. One thing that drives me crazy about some over-zealous writers is when they add so many dang adjectives and adverbs to 'spice things up' that you can't even read it!
I thought, however, that you rushed the story. You have a little too much plot in too little a space. I don't mean that you went too fast. The pace of the plot is all in how YOU want it to feel. What I mean is that it was too short. The girl is in the library reading...her mom is annoyed...then BAM! Books start coming out of nowhere and they get the heck out of there. I think it leaves too many questions to the audience without answers. Why are the books attacking people? What can be done about it? Also, the characters need more definition. The audience is reading that Mikayla and her mom are being attacked by books. Well, who cares? Why should we be concerned with either of them? I don't have any connection to them. All I know is that their in the library.
Your writing style is very good and you should keep it up! I just want to see more of it in one story!
9/11/2009 c1 5Radiant Coffee Mug
This story was short, and silly, and spontaneous, and totally random.
Well, if you don't feel like changing it, I guess there's nothing more to suggest...
Although I do want to suggest something. Even if it's spontaneous, and funny at some points (which I like, random ftw) It just seems a bit weird/out of place too. For example, it's just way too silly to have her mother scream, get hit by books, and then joke around telling her daughter to go without her. The transition between serious and not serious is... well, I don't know. It feels a bit iffy to me and could have been done better (maybe sarcastically?)
Also, look at some of your sentences. Some are wordy and redundancy exists in your paragraphs. Thus they disrupt the flow of things and well, there are always better ways to present a sentence, right?
Anyway, hope the comments help. Satirical and sarcastic humor are always a blast (and room to make better).
~Kagami
5Radiant Coffee MugThis story was short, and silly, and spontaneous, and totally random.
Well, if you don't feel like changing it, I guess there's nothing more to suggest...
Although I do want to suggest something. Even if it's spontaneous, and funny at some points (which I like, random ftw) It just seems a bit weird/out of place too. For example, it's just way too silly to have her mother scream, get hit by books, and then joke around telling her daughter to go without her. The transition between serious and not serious is... well, I don't know. It feels a bit iffy to me and could have been done better (maybe sarcastically?)
Also, look at some of your sentences. Some are wordy and redundancy exists in your paragraphs. Thus they disrupt the flow of things and well, there are always better ways to present a sentence, right?
Anyway, hope the comments help. Satirical and sarcastic humor are always a blast (and room to make better).
~Kagami
9/10/2009 c1 5The Lucy Program
I realize this is meant to be silly, but I can't accept this as either something I'd let a child read or something I'd recommend to someone older. The language you use, plus the macabre and such is definitely not for little kids, and yet the whole thing sounds like you're trying to write a children's story.
Also this is very obviously written in one sitting without a care in the world. Your scene transitioning gives this away. One minute we've got Mikayla reading and the next her mom's all beaten up and the next duh-dum-duh-dum and so on... Your action is too fast-paced, and overwhelming. Slow it down a bit. Description is your friend. :]
Blessed Be,
TLP.
5The Lucy ProgramI realize this is meant to be silly, but I can't accept this as either something I'd let a child read or something I'd recommend to someone older. The language you use, plus the macabre and such is definitely not for little kids, and yet the whole thing sounds like you're trying to write a children's story.
Also this is very obviously written in one sitting without a care in the world. Your scene transitioning gives this away. One minute we've got Mikayla reading and the next her mom's all beaten up and the next duh-dum-duh-dum and so on... Your action is too fast-paced, and overwhelming. Slow it down a bit. Description is your friend. :]
Blessed Be,
TLP.
9/10/2009 c1 17katietheunicorn
Well, firsthand, what I liked about this was that it WAS indeed silly. That made it cute, sweet, and even funny, kind of like something I'd get a kick out of if I read it back in elementary school. Your dialogue was one of the great things I found, it was always spot on and written to the best of your ability.
But, having said that, my complaint is that it's TOO easy to read. As an older reader, it isn't as entertaining because it's so short and simple. Possibly add more details or story itself to make it more appealing to older readers like myself.
Good job!
-Katie
17katietheunicornWell, firsthand, what I liked about this was that it WAS indeed silly. That made it cute, sweet, and even funny, kind of like something I'd get a kick out of if I read it back in elementary school. Your dialogue was one of the great things I found, it was always spot on and written to the best of your ability.
But, having said that, my complaint is that it's TOO easy to read. As an older reader, it isn't as entertaining because it's so short and simple. Possibly add more details or story itself to make it more appealing to older readers like myself.
Good job!
-Katie
9/6/2009 c1 2SplintofGrass
This story could be classified as horror, you know. It must be pretty scary to be in that situation. And since this is a library, do you know those rolling bookcases that librarians use to transport books? I think that would work better in this story than a rolling chair. (Since Mikayla would have to think harder to solve the mystery.) Oh, and at the end of the story, wouldn't they go to the hospital?
On a lighter note, what is the moral of the story? :P ::in a strict voice:: "Children, don't go to libraries!"
Overall, nice story, nicely written.
2SplintofGrassThis story could be classified as horror, you know. It must be pretty scary to be in that situation. And since this is a library, do you know those rolling bookcases that librarians use to transport books? I think that would work better in this story than a rolling chair. (Since Mikayla would have to think harder to solve the mystery.) Oh, and at the end of the story, wouldn't they go to the hospital?
On a lighter note, what is the moral of the story? :P ::in a strict voice:: "Children, don't go to libraries!"
Overall, nice story, nicely written.
9/6/2009 c1 Victoria Jazminah King
I love the humor and adventure in this story. It seemed a little confusing at times and I would maybe like a tadbit backstories of why books attacked people in the first place. Overall it definitely put a smile on my face. Happy writing!
I love the humor and adventure in this story. It seemed a little confusing at times and I would maybe like a tadbit backstories of why books attacked people in the first place. Overall it definitely put a smile on my face. Happy writing!
9/5/2009 c1 7SoneAnna
Well now...this was certainly an interesting number.
The idea itself is very humourous, I must say. And very original. And the ending "at least we know why everbody hates that library now" made me laugh. Kudos.
The pace of the story wasn't all that great. It felt like, right then she was queitly reading, and then BAM the books come. Try and improve the transitions. Also, your main character's emotions are not all that believable. How do we really know that she likes to read and doesn't care what others think of that? Because you tell us. With stories, even oneshots like this, it is better for the reader to be able to tell by themselves said character's emotions by gathering from context, not because the author described it so.
~Sone, from the Review Marathon (link in my profile)
7SoneAnnaWell now...this was certainly an interesting number.
The idea itself is very humourous, I must say. And very original. And the ending "at least we know why everbody hates that library now" made me laugh. Kudos.
The pace of the story wasn't all that great. It felt like, right then she was queitly reading, and then BAM the books come. Try and improve the transitions. Also, your main character's emotions are not all that believable. How do we really know that she likes to read and doesn't care what others think of that? Because you tell us. With stories, even oneshots like this, it is better for the reader to be able to tell by themselves said character's emotions by gathering from context, not because the author described it so.
~Sone, from the Review Marathon (link in my profile)