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8/13/2012 c1 TinfoilKnight
Hullo! This is your RM prize review, congrats and sorry about the wait. :)

[She gripped his shirt; if she let go, she would clearly plummet to her death.] I like this first line! It's a very nice hook, it grabbed my attention right away.

I love the emotion in this! I normally don't go for romance, but this chapter is so sad and sweet. I really feel sorry for the main characters, and I want to read more about them.

[Once again, quietness filled the car, occupying every open inch of the air.] I like the way you use the word "quietness" here instead of "silence" or some other more traditional word. It's different, and it sort of stands out to me.

I think the way you spell everything out for the reader kind of weakens the emotion, though. There's a lot of telling in this scene - [amused by each other's embarrassment.] [She craved something more from him.] [He looked at her for a moment, seemingly unsure of the answer.] and it seems like most of it is unnecessary. I can tell how the characters are feeling just through the dialogue and their actions, I don't really need the extra explanation.

See you around the RG! :)
7/15/2012 c1 76The Autumn Queen
Hi. Returning your review from earlier today (I think you returned my reviews a few months ago).

I like the dramatic element in this because, while nothing much happens, action-wise, it's written so vibrantly that it's still keeping me on my toes, feeling little things have a large effect of sorts. Really keeps this ficlet interesting without having much of a directional plot or some life-threatening escapade.

[Her lips pushed against his with such force, removing them would cut off her life source.] - I don't like this sentence so much for two reasons: its placement relevant to the sentence before it (because it felt more like a replacement line than a line that continues on from the previous one) and the use of the comma (because it creates an odd sort of pause; I feel a semicolon would be far more appropriate, or perhaps rewording that a little, ie. ...such force, as though removing them would...")

Ohana from the Review Marathon (link in profile)
10/26/2011 c2 AriCeleste
I loves the romance. It's very engaging. I love the pure need the girl has to have this guy so close. He must be pretty amazing. XD The only problems I've seen are with you using too many commas, and even I've seen a part where you probably should have added commas instead of breaking the sentences apart. XD I really enjoyed reading this though. It fit my mood for the day.
6/13/2011 c1 239dietredpop
Amazing story, and great job connecting with the reader. Only mistakes I noticed were in punctuation, particularly the use of commas.
6/6/2011 c2 6Victoria Best
This is amazing! This chapter is quite short, but it was written so beautifully and during these two chapters I felt all the emotions of the characters. You are a brilliant writer! I especially love this section 'Because she still can't believe he's hers. Because she's so afraid of losing him.' This was just stunning! In addition, I also love the part where she swears at the stairs and then kicks them. That made me laugh :D Perhaps this chapter could have been a little longer to tell us more about your characters, for example descriptions of them or their surroundings, as in the last chapter I couldn't quite picture where they were, but other than that I absolutely loved this. I really hope you are going to add more. You definitely have another reader! :)
4/4/2011 c2 30YasuRan
Prize review from the Review Game! Congrats!

So far, I like these little snapshots into their relationship. Despite being short, they offer a lot of insight into their lives. For example, what you wrote about the girl being a klutz in this chapter and how the boy still loves her for it (or in spite of it?). Those little details enrichen a simple story set in what could be considered a banal backdrop.

One thing I think you could improve on is your prose. While I like that it's clear and to-the-point, it just lacks a bit of spice to make it memorable. Otherwise, good job overall.
3/30/2011 c2 7talktome
This is really cute :)

I like how ordinary it is, just the two of them and an amusing moment.

It did seem rather...disjointed, though, which may or may not have been intentional. You have a lot of fragmented sentences and maybe slight overuse of the word "because."

The line about Antarctica threw me off a bit...is that in reference to something?

That girl definitely reminds me of myself, too. I am a complete klutz and I always angrily question inanimate objects about their refusal to cooperate with me :D
3/24/2011 c1 28Michael Kelso
I'm not much of a romance reader, but this hooked me. You captured the moment very well. I wasn't sure where this was about to go, or how far. I think you could easily turn this into a story. You showed just enough of her emotions, and very little of his, creating mystery and tension. Well done.
3/22/2011 c2 4Iva Hartnet
I loved this! Their love is very sweet and I completely identify with it. You have a great writing style! And this is definitely one of your best pieces :)

I like that by not naming your characters you've left me feeling very curious and hoping you'll continue! Loved it! Favs!
2/21/2011 c2 this wild abyss
“because even if he can't verbalize [it] the girl who is never looking where she's going and is always falling over herself is the reason [why] he agreed”

- Comma after it.

- Remove ‘why’

“this is an incredibly painful incident about which she will be tormented all night”

- Given the ages of these characters, I suggest rewording it.

- ‘this is an incident he’ll be sure to torment her for’

I think the mood in this piece was a little off. You started things tense, then switched the content to a lighter tone, yet never fully lost the moody/brooding feel of the piece. It made the piece in general feel a little odd, because the mood should have transitioned along with the content, yet it didn’t.

Another thing I was unsure of was your perspective. This appears to be in third person limited, but at times you switch from the girl’s mind to the boy’s, which makes things confusing. So if it’s third person limited, stick with one character’s thoughts. If it’s third person omniscient, don’t show anyone’s thoughts at all and describe only outward appearances.

Congrats again on winning the Review Marathon!
2/21/2011 c1 this wild abyss
Congratulations on winning RM February!

I enjoyed the vague aspect of this piece. It left more things open to interpretation even while it gave the reader a concrete image and setting to work with. I think that you gave just enough to make this happen, and left off the perfect amount.

The actual writing of the piece was a little rough, however. The sentences felt choppy and disjointed, and I felt that a more connected, smooth style would have improved the story’s impact on readers, especially in the beginning.
2/21/2011 c2 70PoetryQueen
I liked this chapter because it focused on their everyday interactions.

I did not like though when she says, "Seriously stairs? Was that necessary?" That does not make sense, mainly her saying was that necessary. I would change that a bit.

Other than that very good job! I really enjoyed this!
2/21/2011 c1 PoetryQueen
Fixing my mistake of not reviewing this on the review story easy fix forum. I liked the imagery in this. Very vivid and deep imagery. Very nice.

I did not the first paragraph. It is confusing as to where they are. Are they inside the car? Outside the car? It is a little confusing.

Other than that, very good job!
2/19/2011 c2 1Eiya Weathes
I like the smooth pacing here. Nothing too fast, nothing too slow that it makes the entire thing boring. It keeps the story light yet informative, if you get what I mean.

I like how you show the connection between the two instead of just saying: she was madly in love with him. We could see their emotions through the actions themselves. It's great, in my opinion.

- Amethyst Penn

~ (Review Game :D)
2/19/2011 c1 Eiya Weathes
[She gripped his shirt; if she let go, she would clearly plummet to her death. Her lips pushed against his with such force, removing them would cut off her life source. The world melted away, leaving only the sound of their synchronized breathing. Leaning back slightly, her arm grazed the steering wheel. A sudden burst of noise startled her and she released him. Unbalanced by this unexpected action, he fell into the car door.]

- I like the use of hyperbole here. It made me wonder what was happening to them. Basically, it made me want to continue reading.

I like how you developed your characters. How you portray their emotions is amazing because it adds to their realism which is very key when it comes to stories.

- Amethyst Penn

~ (Review Game :D)
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