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for A One Night Stand Turned Complicated

5/26/2010 c11 Alice Novak
From TRG:

Okie, second review! I'll be focusing more on the context of your work.



Dialogue: The short lines of your characters' conversations may seem normal at first, but then I started to lose interest because it was so brief, so short! :/

My comment: Honestly, I think dialogues are your fatal flaw. It can definitely be improved and developed. Try to imagine your characters as real people. They have their thoughts and emotions they express every time they look at someone, something. So, I think that could be expressed. It'll be good if you could make the dialogue more realistic that it already is! :)



Pace: A little off-beat sometimes.

My comment: Like a lot of stories, pace is important. I worry about the pace in my stories a lot too.. :P I thought that the story has a good pace. However, once the characters start interacting, this particular aspect of your writing goes aloof. Try narrating more often, and see how everything goes. Do you plan your chapters?



Chemistry: The relationship between Jace and the bunch of girls.

Okay, I understand what is happening between Jace and Camille. But there's not enough chemistry. Though the story is good, it feels as though you are forcing Jace and Camille together through a load of encounters and manipulation of the plot. In the end, it all comes down to the personality, you know what I mean?



-



Your narration is really good compared to your dialogue. You should write more of that. Practice your dialogue in a notebook or something, and show-off your awesome narration of FP! XDD haha! xo



The second last part, really drags the reader's attention to it! Meaning, its' well done. I suppose its' easier to do two-on-two conversations? :) It's good. Well written.



Deli .x
5/26/2010 c10 Alice Novak
From TRG:

ah well, so you haven't yet revised this~~ So I'll be pointing out grammatical mistakes and editing suggestions. XD



Some punctuation stuff: "So, how are things going with the band and all?" Chanelle asked, with a grin as she bit into her salad."

My comment: You can't exactly put a comma between 'asked' and 'with'. You could, say, write, "... Chanelle grinned, biting into her salad." We know its' a question, so the 'asked' is not really necessary. It's more or less the same generic problems, so I won't be typing every thing up.



Grammar: "Chanelle looked expectedly at her. "What Nelly?" Camille asked..."

My comment: I don't agree that two distinct actions of two separate characters should be written in the same paragraph. So, you can put it like the following -

"Chanelle looked expectantly at her. She was sure that Camille was mocking her and knew what she wanted to ask the most.

"What Nelly?" Chamille asked in mock innocence..."

It's my opinion though, so you don't have to follow through with it.



-



So the two things I liked about this chapter... Alice is portrayed really well - Sauntering up to Jace. In fact, your general characterization is not bad! :)

I thought the story is very appealing, especially since its' considered "cliche". Lol. People tend to enjoy reading cliches, so I thought... if you could develop your writing, the story would be splendid. So keep working hard on it! XP



Deli .x
5/26/2010 c1 13Your-Magpie
ok first of all hey from the gossip forum! are you new there?

i really liked the third person- usually, i dont like it but in this case, and how you used it, it was really effective.

would delete 'singer' in the lead singer sing his heart out line. or replace 'sing' with 'pour [his heart out] but i think deleting the word singer would probably work better.

lol, camille is raw! imagining him lol, all against the sheets and that.

would be good if you changed her thoughts to italics, it helps the reader identify it's coming from her mind and not the narrators POV

i liked the bit when the 'effects of the drink start to affect her' but it sounds to me that the effects start right at the beginning, to me it doesn't sound like the kind of thing someone sober would think about/in detail. and plus, you've said she had a drink five minutes ago, which, by your timeline, must've gone straight to her head.

i also liked how you were in third person (when describing camille) but was also in his eyes, so the narration ended up in 'why the hell did she have to be so fucking hot' lol, that was good, kinda said that was what everyone else was thinking more or less.

i dont think the next part the one month later bit comes as a surprise, you left the summary telling us that it was her sisters boyfriend she dates, and on the first chapter its kind of telling you that again, so id probably make it a seperate chapter. plus, the fact that Camille met him first doesn't sound so melodramatic and from your summary it sounds like the one night stand happened when they were together and Jace is unfaithful- it just sits better in the reader.

but at the end, i do see where you're going with it, about she was still desiring himm.

well, its either way- you could do either, so id think about that

but overall, this story looks good, ill be checking back on this soon, hope this review helped in a way!

-keys
5/26/2010 c1 8Kobra Kid
Good introduction! :D. Camille seems like a realistic and well-rounded character. :). And I like how you said that Cammy's head didn't want to be with him but her body did. Another huge touch of realism! Great job!

-B. Cross from the RH

P.S. Can you payback via RFTA? THanks! :D
5/26/2010 c1 6MeAsIAm
I thought that the pace of the prologue was too fast. There are some moments in the chapter where the reader feels the need to slow down - to take some more time with the setting, the characters, the relationships and things going on. Some of these places in this chapter where you need to slow down a bit are - when Camille first sees Jace, Camille reflecting at Jace's house, her overall thoughts after the night while talking to her sister, and the point where Jace enters.

You could have used the chapter to build up Jace's and Camille's character. But Camille falls short of all expectations (I attribute this to the overall lack of descriptions.)I have not read the rest of the story yet, so I hope that there may be more to both their characters.

There are issues with grammar that are easy enough to fix. So I suggest you get a Beta reader but mainly, read the chapter over so that you can find out the mistakes.

Other than that, the idea of such a strong feminine lead was interesting - especially that she chose to leave in the morning.
5/25/2010 c2 4lookingwest
From Gossip

Camille had regretted sleeping with him in the first place, -although...

-Edit: would omit "had"

-Edit: alright, so what you want there after "place" is called an 'EM Dash' and you get that by just putting two little dashes in a row "-" and the normally on MicroWord, if you press enter it will turn it into a full EM Dash. So omit your comma after "place" because you don't need it, and then just use a full EM Dash there instead to segway into "although"

"Alright you guys let's order."

-Edit: I normally don't touch dialogue because everyone speaks differently, but I'd almost suggest in reader's opinion this time, putting a comma after "alright"

Camille mentally thanked her sister...

-Edit: start a new paragraph with this sentence

Camille didn't hear what she was truly waiting to hear about however, and...

-Edit: comma after "about"

-Good use of "however" though! Your always supposed to put it in the middle of the sentence and you did that perfectly! ^^ That's even a popular ACT question, haha

...was barely 18 and the guy was what 24 or something?

-Edit: spell out "eighteen" and "twenty-four"

"Don't you think you should just kind of wait I mean isn't he like 24 or something."

-Edit: spell out "twenty-four"

-Edit: insert comma after "wait"

-Edit: insert a question mark instead of a period after "something"

...vilest and most disgusting thing she'd ever heard of.

-Edit: omit "of"

"He is only 23 and I love him so don't tell me to wait." She snapped.

-Edit: spell out "twenty-three"

-Edit: insert comma instead of period after "wait"

-Edit: un-capitalize "She"

Camille felt her breath stop at what her sister said.

-Edit: start a new paragraph with this sentence, since Camille's gasp is almost like a dialogue.

No this was an adolescent girl who was having her first serious crush and would end up crushing anyone...

-Edit: comma after "No"

-Edit: comma after "crush"

"Don't say it. I'll talk to you later," Her eyes flickered between Jace and Alice,

-Edit: un-capitalize "Her"

-Edit: put the next dialogue "Much later." up into this paragraph after "Alice," otherwise the clause is cut short and it's not formatted correctly.

As soon as she reached her apartment however, the grim reality of the day set in.

-Edit: needs comma after "apartment"

...the grim reality of the day set in.

-Edit: would replace "set in" with "settled"

Sonic

-Cool cat name ^^

However, they couldn't and so she hurriedly head into the bathroom.

-Edit: ah, here's an incorrect use of "however". In this case, I'd just replace it with the contraction "But", which is acceptable in creative writing ^^ Aren't we lucky?

Overall

-I'm getting a much better feeling for your characters. Camille doesn't come across as so one-dimensional and I'm liking that depth, I think you did a good job showing the reader the relationships with people she has when she started fighting with her sister Alice. The argument I think, stayed realistic and your dialogue work was for the most part good. You tended to switch settings a little abruptly and I would have liked a little more description to help me settle in, maybe with the restaurant and her apartment, other than the cat. What sort of food does the restaurant serve? Is her apartment on the first, second, third ect. floor? I also felt that you slipped into a omniscient third person when you mentioned the inner thoughts of Jace not being able to resist Camille when he comes over. I'm pretty sure you're trying to stay in limited-omniscient because you don't give us the inner thoughts of Alice, so maybe try not to get into Jace's head unless you start a chapter with his POV, which might be fun.
5/25/2010 c14 7Eva Rieycoit
Haha. Interesting cliffhanger! :)
5/25/2010 c1 4lookingwest
From RH

...not nodding to the sounds but instead watching, watching the lead singer sing his heart out.

-Edit: while I love repetition, this one sounds awkward when read aloud. I'd suggest "..not nodding to the sounds but instead watching the lead singer sing his heart out."

The emotion in his voice was raw and it made her feel all the emotions he was apparently going through.

-Edit: NESWAP, Never End A Sentence With A Preposition. Suggest: "The emotion in his voice was raw and it made her feel all the emotions he was apparently experiencing."

Camille could feel the excitement coursing through my body as she headed over to where he said.

-What? "where he said"? Shouldn't it be, "where he sat"?

"Camille." He smiled and placed his hands on each side of her causing her to be blocked in.

-Edit: NESWAP, Suggestion: "...and blocked her by placing his hands on either side of her."

-Edit: Since he's not saying the dialogue here, I would break this into two paragraphs, the new one starting with "He smiled..."

"That's a beautiful name. It matches its owner." His scent was over-powering her thoughts as he continued to stare at her with an intense lustful gaze.

"You wanna go get a drink?" He asked and she nodded, not caring that she just had one not more than five minutes ago.

-Edit: Since he says both of these lines of dialogue they need to stay in one paragraph so you don't confuse the reader by indicating with a new paragraph Camille is speaking. Bump "You wanna go..." up after "lustful gaze" to stay correct.

She moved as fast her short legs could take her and before she knew it she was out the door.

-Edit: "She moved as fast [as] her short legs..."

-Edit: insert comma after "take her"

Oh yeah let him laugh at her...

-Edit: insert comma after "yeah"

She barely reached his shoulder but he could tell she had a temper you didn't want to mess with even though she seemed to be a foot shorter than him.

-Edit: insert comma after "mess with"

With her dark expressive emerald green eyes and her wavy black hair which he wanted to touch so badly he wondered why the hell did she have to be so fucking hot.

-Edit: insert comma after "so badly"

~0~ One month later

-I'm not a fan of this kind of transition in narratives. Why not just work it into the narration? It feels to comic-booky. Instead to make it more mature, you could go, "One month later Camille found herself in deep conversation with her sister. "You are glowing," Camille stated..." and then continue. See? Not so hard to just work it in :)

"Oh, um…I met a guy" She waited patiently for her to tell her more.

-Edit: insert comma after "guy"

-Edit: would omit "her to tell her"

"I mean he's smart and funny and just amazing." She continued with a sigh.

-Edit: would use a comma instead of a period after "amazing"

"Well I can't wait to meet him." She told her and she looked ecstatic at this.

-Edit: would use a comma instead of a period after "him"

"Is that why you asked me to meet you here?" She nodded.

-Edit: un-capitalize "She"

"I just wanted you meet the guy who makes me so happy"

-Edit: needs period after "happy"

"Sorry to disappoint you but no I have not met anyone new." She looked at me and smiled.

-Edit: you've slipped into first person here so it's inconsistent, I think you still want it in third right? I think you mentioned it was originally in first person, so this one's probably just a typo.

She watched carefully as she got up, went to over to him and hugged him which he returned.

-Edit: avoid using the verb "got", here I'd suggest replacing "got up" with "stood"

-Edit: also, this sentence reads weirdly. I'd suggest: "She watched carefully as Alice stood, went over and gave him a hug, which he returned."

"No." She whispered to herself.

-Edit: comma instead of period after "no" and un-capitalize "She"

Alice turned back to her sister a big smile still on her face as she said "Cammy, meet my new boyfriend Jace."

-Edit: needs comma after "said"

Overall

-This definitley needs some editing done to it. I'd suggest maybe getting a beta reader to just do a minor proof read after you've got it all written up. Most of the mistakes are pretty simple though, and I'm not trying to be hard on you, I'm just offering some constructive concrit-all of my suggestions are opinion, so it's up to the author what to pick and choose from :)

I feel that your character Camille came across flat, only because the pace of this chapter was so fast. She went from standing at the bar, to having sex with a guy, to talking one month later with her sister and that very guy entering back into her life all in one prologue! I'd almost consider this a first chapter, unless your first chapter doesn't pick up right after this prologue. I guess I didn't really feel Camille's emotions correctly-when you were writing in first person, were you writing from Alice's POV or Camille's? When you start with the next scene a month later I got a lot of "Camille did this. Then she did this. Then she walked over and said this. Then she did this" so I'd suggest perhaps some sentence variety. I found the guy Jace one-dimensional, but that's probably because we don't know him that much yet.

But, besides all of that, there were things I liked. You've successfully started to portray what I hope to be a strong woman character who knows what she wants. I liked that Camille was the one to leave in the morning, and not Jace. That was very refreshing. I'm a feminist and at my Uni I study gender and literature and I really appreciated a strong woman ;) Hopefully she doesn't let Jace coming into her life bring her down too much, since she came off so strong I hope that she stays consistent! So that definitley was a huge plus for this, and I found the fact that you had the woman as being the instigator of a one-night-stand fresh and creative. Also, cool name-very unique! ^^
5/25/2010 c1 Zarraice
While I'm not particularly into romance stories the writing style and descriptions are pretty good. Plus, at the end of the chapter. Jace being her sister's boyfriend was an interesting twist.

Can't say I care much for the plot, but it could be interesting if done well enough.
5/25/2010 c1 10HoodedStellaish
I am going to say right now that my reviews have been getting cut off, so if that happens, I have the whole review on a document. I’ll PM it to you if that happens.

#-#_#-#

Okay, so I found a few things (and I'm still doing the reviews, I'm just not telling anyone ;] ).

All he knew was he wanted her and whatever he wanted he got.
5/25/2010 c1 lili999
hi !

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5/25/2010 c15 ebs12
am doing exams right now as well and may sound silly but I find that writing the same notes again and again helps, put different colours for different themes if important because then main facts jump out the page, and if you have a friend willing to be patient and test you that helps a lot as well. especially if doing the same subject as then you may be able to fill in any gaps in the others knowledge. pretty simple and kind of obvious but it works for me. hope they go well
5/25/2010 c15 12Raised with Fangs
hm, love the story, cant help with the studying part, 'cause i'm stuck in the same stitch...
5/24/2010 c15 2ColieM88
I usually make a little rhyme up..something catchy and easy to remember. If its math, I don't have a clue. But for english.. or any words and definitions you would have to memorize, I'd say the word and then one word from the definition that will remind you of that word and write a list on a peice of paper. Then go through that list over and over and over again. Like "Find"- "Seek", for example! Hope this helps. It's been a few years since I've been in school...!
5/19/2010 c14 1LykeanAngel
2 times for my dawg Jace for punching the asshole in the face hehehe...Im kinda lost at the end where the hell that Matthew come from..
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