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for A One Night Stand Turned Complicated

3/13/2010 c4 3CynicalRomantic09

This story is loaded with potential, but there are few things here and there that are preventing it from being something great.

The most noticeable thing is your punctuation. There are a good number of commas missing throughout every chapter so far and it's a bit of a distraction.

This, for example. Parts of it are a little awkward and it disrupts the flow (commas and other punctuation added):

"Well, as your mother and I see it, she is a suitable wife for you, not to mention her father and I are good friends and business partners. She is attractive and respectable and she should produce a male heir for you." He scoffed mentally at his father's words. Male heir. Who would inherit the family's billion-dollar corporation after him. That was all that was important, and of course the fact that his father obviously wanted to merge with Cynthia's family's company.

And instead of using "he did this" or "she said that," try mixing up your word usage a little bit. Seeing the same pronouns all the time can detract from a third-person POV narrative (and a first, for that matter).

Also, I'm guessing Jace's father is unaware of the laws of biology. Lol. It's not up to Cynthia what gender gets produced. The male is the deciding factor in that, so his archaic mindset is rather humorous. But I guess it fits his personality you've introduced. He seems very old-fashioned.

Anyway, the story line is interesting. I like reading stuff like this and so far, you seem to have a good idea. :D
3/13/2010 c4 3Medusa's.Protege
Ohh! I really like this! Write more! :)
3/13/2010 c4 SunnyF
i like ur idea 4 this stry~ havin the older sister havin a one night stand with her little sister's boyfriends adds alot DRAMA~ good job! keep it up :DD
2/28/2010 c2 30sophiesix
Ah! Another awesome instalment.

“and immediately picked up her menu in order to distract herself from the current situation” I don’t think you need “from the current situation”, coz that’s understood?

“a little after a month ago “ Why the Cheating Cad! Damn, why is it always the hot ones.

Love the conversation between the sisters, nice and tense and dramatic!

You’ve got a couple of run on sentences there, like : “She heard her black and white tabby cat, Sonic meowing and reach down to tickle him behind his ears just the way he liked it and headed into the kitchen to pour some more cat food and water into his bowels .” (and bowels/ bowls?)

Oh man he is BAD! Really Bad! Don’t tell me he broke up with Alice that quick and even if he did… grr… on the other hand… its a very cool cliff hanger XD
2/28/2010 c1 sophiesix
I really liked how you built this strong confident but not too sassy main character. I ws a bit afraid she was going to woos out, but then you sorta got her wanting him again – made me wonder whether what he did would be classified as rape or not ,her being as drunk as she was… interesting… oh but I see, later you clear that up nicely. Nice!

“He watched as she looked at him with murder in her eyes and this shocked him, hardly any other girl looked at him with nothing but lust that they would have done anything to get into his bed, but what he watched even more was the rise and fall of her chest” woah long sentence ! XD Consider a full stop after ‘shocked him’, maybe, at least?

Love the steaminess when they get back to his place, totally hot. Though: “then pulled off her blouse” I thought she was wearing a tanktop? and... ok... just me being pernickety, but

she actually told him no for a condom? for a one night stand? with a band guy? diseases! :O


No, but really nicely done, and heh heh the reveal at the end was great!
1/11/2010 c1 Jazzyboo
i just love the story so far.. i didn't expect it to end like that, the first chappie but im glad it did. Jace sounds kinda like a jerk so far but Chanelle sounds great :)

I can't wait for you to update! So update please :)
1/11/2010 c3 Angel Dawn
I like the story so far it seems interesting

and i like Chanelle she sounds like someone i know
1/3/2010 c1 Anonymous
I like this story so far and I can't wait for the update!
12/30/2009 c3 1LykeanAngel
My favorite chapter so far
11/8/2009 c2 LykeanAngel
good chapter...i liked the way she seemed stressed out bout the situation
11/8/2009 c1 LykeanAngel
good chapter but didn't understand why Camille ran away
10/16/2009 c1 1StorieLuver101
Hurry your killing me slowly here...Love the idea.
10/12/2009 c2 6light.and.darkness.angel
10/12/2009 c2 redamethyst
i want more... more please... u kept me hanging there...
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