for Dusk11/29/2009 c1 Farnblorp
I liked your intro - it was a little silly, lighthearted and not at all what I'd expect to lead into a heated confrontation. The transition was good, though, and I was pulled right in. I thought the dialogue was pretty good, too. Sadly, I don't get the Juno reference. One thing I noticed - and maybe you're okay with this - is that you used contractions outside of dialogue, which has the effect of making your writing seem less formal. I suppose it fit, what with your irreverent opening paragraph.
Something about these sentences were a little awkward: "The kind of voice that you hear coming out of a parent who doesn’t exactly know how to tell their five-year-old about the unfortunate accident and, um, you know your pet cat that you practically loved to death? Well, it’s dead." - You switched from third to second person in the middle of the sentence.
Starting the story in the middle of something like this is a neat trick - I'm really interested in finding out what's going on.
I liked your intro - it was a little silly, lighthearted and not at all what I'd expect to lead into a heated confrontation. The transition was good, though, and I was pulled right in. I thought the dialogue was pretty good, too. Sadly, I don't get the Juno reference. One thing I noticed - and maybe you're okay with this - is that you used contractions outside of dialogue, which has the effect of making your writing seem less formal. I suppose it fit, what with your irreverent opening paragraph.
Something about these sentences were a little awkward: "The kind of voice that you hear coming out of a parent who doesn’t exactly know how to tell their five-year-old about the unfortunate accident and, um, you know your pet cat that you practically loved to death? Well, it’s dead." - You switched from third to second person in the middle of the sentence.
Starting the story in the middle of something like this is a neat trick - I'm really interested in finding out what's going on.
11/28/2009 c1 
5The Lucy Program
This was actually pretty good. I was expecting some half-ass attempt at parodying Twilight but I actually might want to read this. You took the original format and twisted it to make it your own unique story. It really caught my attention. I also liked the interaction between Stella and Edwin. It was very realistic and in one short chapter we get a pretty good look into the kind of people they are. Nicely done.
Blessed Be,
TLP.
5The Lucy ProgramThis was actually pretty good. I was expecting some half-ass attempt at parodying Twilight but I actually might want to read this. You took the original format and twisted it to make it your own unique story. It really caught my attention. I also liked the interaction between Stella and Edwin. It was very realistic and in one short chapter we get a pretty good look into the kind of people they are. Nicely done.
Blessed Be,
TLP.
11/24/2009 c1 17Eponine254
This is really good! I liked the contrast between the stereotypical view of Death and the person actually killing her. You create suspense very well by alluding to all the things the narrator has done and the fact that she believes she deserves to be punished - it makes me want to read further. Good work!
17Eponine254This is really good! I liked the contrast between the stereotypical view of Death and the person actually killing her. You create suspense very well by alluding to all the things the narrator has done and the fact that she believes she deserves to be punished - it makes me want to read further. Good work!
11/23/2009 c2 3Keelin N
I wonder who “they” are. the “theys” who sent charlie and Stella to this place on the assignment. Hm. And was it Charlie who loved the town so much? Wait don't answer just a thought. The character development is coming along great. There are obviously still mysteries with both of them but I feel I have a basic understanding of their personalities. I'm excited for the next chapter.
3Keelin NI wonder who “they” are. the “theys” who sent charlie and Stella to this place on the assignment. Hm. And was it Charlie who loved the town so much? Wait don't answer just a thought. The character development is coming along great. There are obviously still mysteries with both of them but I feel I have a basic understanding of their personalities. I'm excited for the next chapter.
11/23/2009 c1 Keelin N
There was a lovely flow to this first chapter. even with so little words I'm guessing they have a strong background and in coming chapters we're going to learn how that came about. Anyway, I'm interested. Great work.
There was a lovely flow to this first chapter. even with so little words I'm guessing they have a strong background and in coming chapters we're going to learn how that came about. Anyway, I'm interested. Great work.
11/22/2009 c2 4lookingwest
The first chapter started off way better than the Prologue! And I LOVE the name Charlemagne, how creative! The relationship between Carlie and Stella is really developed through the dialogue, which I like, you've got a good balance with the information. Plus, nice irony with the church. I feel much more confident about the direction this narrative it taking than I did before, and I look forward to seeing where you go from here!
4lookingwestThe first chapter started off way better than the Prologue! And I LOVE the name Charlemagne, how creative! The relationship between Carlie and Stella is really developed through the dialogue, which I like, you've got a good balance with the information. Plus, nice irony with the church. I feel much more confident about the direction this narrative it taking than I did before, and I look forward to seeing where you go from here!
11/22/2009 c1 5Jillian Smoke
I really enjoyed this, Especially the line in the begining about Juno (haha)
Some parts seemed to go a bit slow but that might have just been me, All in all i think it was really good!
5Jillian SmokeI really enjoyed this, Especially the line in the begining about Juno (haha)
Some parts seemed to go a bit slow but that might have just been me, All in all i think it was really good!
11/22/2009 c1 4lookingwest
Okay, the biggest problem I have with this chapter is the following:
"I never gave much thought to how I would die."
and the "lamb/lion" analogy.
Both are right from the book Twilight. I know that your profile says you're heavily influenced by Twilight, but I lost a lot of respect for the story because of using Meyer's now "cliches". I felt like you could have worded things different and created something that was entirely your own, rather than using themes that are already addressed in Twilight. I thirst for more unique language!
However, despite the cliche-feeling of the themes, I still felt like your plot itself was unique, and I did enjoy how to turned the tables by making the vampire the one about to die. That makes me take things more seriously, and I did like how you narrated that "unknown" of death. All in all nicely done, I just feel like I've heard it before.
4lookingwestOkay, the biggest problem I have with this chapter is the following:
"I never gave much thought to how I would die."
and the "lamb/lion" analogy.
Both are right from the book Twilight. I know that your profile says you're heavily influenced by Twilight, but I lost a lot of respect for the story because of using Meyer's now "cliches". I felt like you could have worded things different and created something that was entirely your own, rather than using themes that are already addressed in Twilight. I thirst for more unique language!
However, despite the cliche-feeling of the themes, I still felt like your plot itself was unique, and I did enjoy how to turned the tables by making the vampire the one about to die. That makes me take things more seriously, and I did like how you narrated that "unknown" of death. All in all nicely done, I just feel like I've heard it before.