for Dusk1/23/2010 c1 
3J.S. Hopkins
wow, i got totally sold on this story with just the prologue. Writen in perfect style with just enough playful mocking of the characters. As a "Twimom" I love the series but find this one on it's way to being great. keep it up I'll be reading more.
3J.S. Hopkinswow, i got totally sold on this story with just the prologue. Writen in perfect style with just enough playful mocking of the characters. As a "Twimom" I love the series but find this one on it's way to being great. keep it up I'll be reading more.
1/21/2010 c6 6The Saturday Storytellers
No problem for reading so far - it's a good tale!
Right, so. That review:
Oh gosh. A 'singer'? Blimey.
You might want to make it a bit clearer that Stella has collapsed, because she seems to magically go from standing up and having Toto nipping at her ankle to being curled up on foetal position without moving.
This scene is very sinister, devoid of the humour you've used before. But that's good. It works here.
I'm surprised that Stella is hanging around to talk to the boy - I thought she needed, more than anything else, to get away. I fully expected her to run as soon as she could, especially since she'd taken the time to convince him not to call. Perhaps she needs a hook to keep her there, and I think that hook needs to be that she's still worried he might call and that then, the game'll be up. Stella obviously doesn't want anyone following her/knowing she's there, so I think you need to keep making reference to that fear. Otherwise there doesn't seem to be any reason for her to stay near him.
Unless she's to-ing and fro-ing about whether to bite him or not. That could work, if on one level she's actually warming to him. But you introduced the singer concept, so whether to do it that way or not is up to you.
Ooh, so Toto could have protected himself all along, knew what was up all along? Now there's a twist. You put 'em in thick and fast, don't you? I don't think anyone's going to get bored reading one of your stories!
Hm. Stella's genuinely in danger, then. I really want to know how this story progresses, so please, please keep writing, okay? Nice work. It's been a good ride so far!
- Pay back via Academy Year 7 or Shamanics.
- from The Roadhouse.
6The Saturday StorytellersNo problem for reading so far - it's a good tale!
Right, so. That review:
Oh gosh. A 'singer'? Blimey.
You might want to make it a bit clearer that Stella has collapsed, because she seems to magically go from standing up and having Toto nipping at her ankle to being curled up on foetal position without moving.
This scene is very sinister, devoid of the humour you've used before. But that's good. It works here.
I'm surprised that Stella is hanging around to talk to the boy - I thought she needed, more than anything else, to get away. I fully expected her to run as soon as she could, especially since she'd taken the time to convince him not to call. Perhaps she needs a hook to keep her there, and I think that hook needs to be that she's still worried he might call and that then, the game'll be up. Stella obviously doesn't want anyone following her/knowing she's there, so I think you need to keep making reference to that fear. Otherwise there doesn't seem to be any reason for her to stay near him.
Unless she's to-ing and fro-ing about whether to bite him or not. That could work, if on one level she's actually warming to him. But you introduced the singer concept, so whether to do it that way or not is up to you.
Ooh, so Toto could have protected himself all along, knew what was up all along? Now there's a twist. You put 'em in thick and fast, don't you? I don't think anyone's going to get bored reading one of your stories!
Hm. Stella's genuinely in danger, then. I really want to know how this story progresses, so please, please keep writing, okay? Nice work. It's been a good ride so far!
- Pay back via Academy Year 7 or Shamanics.
- from The Roadhouse.
1/19/2010 c6 10taerkitty
Bummer. We're out of chapters. Well, easy fix to that.
Ah, I see why the "you've got to be kidding me." But, again, the opening is just a continuation of the previous scene. This is not a sin. This isn't a bad thing. I'm just imposing my own style on you, and I'm sorry for that.
So his blood sings to vampires. But there's that brackish chemical scent, too. Is that normal?
Good ending. Classic cliffhanger. This being what it is, I'm expecting Charlie to swoop in. (Aside from our talks in the forum about your uncertaininty how to get from here to "here plus a few steps" - those inbetween steps are a pain.)
Unsure how Toto got out of the graveyard. Probably through the bars, but maybe that could be set up - she tries to slide between the bars, but couldn't get her head through, and then later, emphasize the dog's size a bit more when describing her.
"Quiet, leech, " the overgrown canine threatened. I don't like dialog tags, especially ones that are more prominent than "he said" or "she asked." The threat is already there. If you want to be sure we know the wolf said that, maybe have him drool some spittle on her (adding insult to the injury).
Especially now, the lack of a compelling reason to climb into the cemetery (leading to being tempted by the boy, to be entrapped by the wolf, and then to be captured) figures more prominently on my mind than it ought. We should be worried for her, wondering what happens next. Instead, I'm still wondering why she went through so much trouble to get here.
Maybe it's to meet the boy, so he figures in later in the story? Unsure. Certainly to meet Toto, but that's evident now.
Dark Patrol, Light Patrol. I would have liked to know what they are, what they do. Without it, the names seem more just designed to be opposites. (Then again, I write about Angels ordering people around to fight Demons, so what do I know?)
The dialog with the boy is nice. The description of the scent, the temptation, the madness, is very well done.
I may have missed her being in a skirt / dress all this time, or was it just not said? Curious, not a criticism.
Overall, it's a good chapter. Your A/n says you plan to rewrite it. That's always the author's call. I can't say how well it works until I see it in the context of the whole, but it seems to work all right for what I see.
At this point, we need to see more to see what happens.
10taerkittyBummer. We're out of chapters. Well, easy fix to that.
Ah, I see why the "you've got to be kidding me." But, again, the opening is just a continuation of the previous scene. This is not a sin. This isn't a bad thing. I'm just imposing my own style on you, and I'm sorry for that.
So his blood sings to vampires. But there's that brackish chemical scent, too. Is that normal?
Good ending. Classic cliffhanger. This being what it is, I'm expecting Charlie to swoop in. (Aside from our talks in the forum about your uncertaininty how to get from here to "here plus a few steps" - those inbetween steps are a pain.)
Unsure how Toto got out of the graveyard. Probably through the bars, but maybe that could be set up - she tries to slide between the bars, but couldn't get her head through, and then later, emphasize the dog's size a bit more when describing her.
"Quiet, leech, " the overgrown canine threatened. I don't like dialog tags, especially ones that are more prominent than "he said" or "she asked." The threat is already there. If you want to be sure we know the wolf said that, maybe have him drool some spittle on her (adding insult to the injury).
Especially now, the lack of a compelling reason to climb into the cemetery (leading to being tempted by the boy, to be entrapped by the wolf, and then to be captured) figures more prominently on my mind than it ought. We should be worried for her, wondering what happens next. Instead, I'm still wondering why she went through so much trouble to get here.
Maybe it's to meet the boy, so he figures in later in the story? Unsure. Certainly to meet Toto, but that's evident now.
Dark Patrol, Light Patrol. I would have liked to know what they are, what they do. Without it, the names seem more just designed to be opposites. (Then again, I write about Angels ordering people around to fight Demons, so what do I know?)
The dialog with the boy is nice. The description of the scent, the temptation, the madness, is very well done.
I may have missed her being in a skirt / dress all this time, or was it just not said? Curious, not a criticism.
Overall, it's a good chapter. Your A/n says you plan to rewrite it. That's always the author's call. I can't say how well it works until I see it in the context of the whole, but it seems to work all right for what I see.
At this point, we need to see more to see what happens.
1/19/2010 c5 taerkitty
Very good opening. It's a very catchy line. Gets us into the setting, the situation, and her mindset.
I'm not sure why she's obsessing about the graveyard. I'm sure there's an encounter planned for this locale, but I don't understand her determination to get inside.
Excellent descriptions on the grave sites. Not too much, but great to add mood.
I'm not a big fan of formatting (italics, et.al.) I use them in forum posts, but in writing, I prefer to stick to just words. I guess it's like the "nervous hand" a chapter or two back - I would rather see what's said than how it's said.
Ending is passable. I don't follow her mindset. "You've got to be kidding me," and then the thirst? I'm not sure why she is so incredulous. The first person perspective is great for building empathy with the character, but she has to be approachable and comprehensible. Stella's approachable, but I don't 'get' her a lot of the time.
Now, thinking about it, the boy could be Edwin, or some other stake-wielder. But, that's not the reader's first thought, so when reading hers, the reader will be puzzled.
The scene with the dog was excellent, especially the line, "the dumb thing had no idea that I was seriously entertaining the thought of ripping out its throat and sucking it dry."
Overall, it's not as bad as the A/n made it seem. I'd advise against A/ns that deprecate your work. You must show confidence in it. You're asking me to invest my time and effort into reading this. If you're not confident, then the chances of me being all-in are less.
My other suggestion is to put the A/n as an endnote. The story comes first. I click on the box, and I see the story. Once I'm done with the chapter, that's when I get to read the A/n.
Think of it like a DVD - if it's a movie you've not watched yet, do you go to the special features?
Very good opening. It's a very catchy line. Gets us into the setting, the situation, and her mindset.
I'm not sure why she's obsessing about the graveyard. I'm sure there's an encounter planned for this locale, but I don't understand her determination to get inside.
Excellent descriptions on the grave sites. Not too much, but great to add mood.
I'm not a big fan of formatting (italics, et.al.) I use them in forum posts, but in writing, I prefer to stick to just words. I guess it's like the "nervous hand" a chapter or two back - I would rather see what's said than how it's said.
Ending is passable. I don't follow her mindset. "You've got to be kidding me," and then the thirst? I'm not sure why she is so incredulous. The first person perspective is great for building empathy with the character, but she has to be approachable and comprehensible. Stella's approachable, but I don't 'get' her a lot of the time.
Now, thinking about it, the boy could be Edwin, or some other stake-wielder. But, that's not the reader's first thought, so when reading hers, the reader will be puzzled.
The scene with the dog was excellent, especially the line, "the dumb thing had no idea that I was seriously entertaining the thought of ripping out its throat and sucking it dry."
Overall, it's not as bad as the A/n made it seem. I'd advise against A/ns that deprecate your work. You must show confidence in it. You're asking me to invest my time and effort into reading this. If you're not confident, then the chances of me being all-in are less.
My other suggestion is to put the A/n as an endnote. The story comes first. I click on the box, and I see the story. Once I'm done with the chapter, that's when I get to read the A/n.
Think of it like a DVD - if it's a movie you've not watched yet, do you go to the special features?
1/19/2010 c4 taerkitty
Good sense of place and time in the opening. We're rejoining the story, but at a natural point.
"I signed you up for the basic classics" should be 'classes'.
Okay, worked together for fifty years.
"A nervous hand" is a bit 'tell'. "A tense hand," or "ran a hand through his finger, but his forearm was rigid" is better than saying "a nervous hand." (Both are better than saying "Charlie was nervous." Big Fat Tell there.)
Ending is ... mixed. It's like saying, "that's fine for you, but not for me." Here, it's not quite my preference in ending. The image is striking, a teen (probably waif, lithe and lean) running a finger on the brass plaque to the ancient town cemetery. It'd make a great CG, yes. But there's no sense for the scene. So ... it doesn't work for me. But, I've seen enough 'mood' CGs like this that I'm sure it appeals to others.
Their current partnership is annoying and dysfunctional. The block seems to be a plot element and not part of the character. Unless this he's had it imposed on him, and he himself is blocked from thinking about it, but that doesn't track with previous encounters where it seems he's taking great joy in finally locking her out.
That is a good thing, btw. It shows some sense of history in the fifty-seven years they shared. Her thinking back to if she abused her power... nah. That's a missed opportunity, to build the relationship and make it feel more like it has a history.
As of last two chapters, I wasn't sure if they were just thrown together for this mission or were partners for some time before. They didn't seem to talk like it. In a long relationship, people grow together *and* they grow apart. The parts that click, click really well. The parts that don't, they grind and grate. People develop 'emotional minefields' and start 'gunnysacking' where this arguement is never about just *this* thing, but also *these* other things that make *this* part of a trend.
For someone who's been doing this (assuming she's been working with the DP and encountered Charlie through them) for that long, she's either careless, foolish, or overconfident. The problem is that she acts *young*, which is not in keeping with my idea of how someone perpetually trapped in a teen's body would react.
Think back to any adolescent, or even real teen. They're usually arguing that they're "all grown up now" and that they're ready for freedoms (but let's wait on the responsibility part, Ma, okay?) That's how I'd see her - resenting being overlooked and underestimated and trying to overcompensate.
Of course, she could have adopted the "when life gives you lemons" attitude, too.
Back to the original feeling - she's in a strange town, and their bosses have set them up in a very inhospitable site. I would expect her to be more careful and guarded.
This chapter adds quite a bit - especially the SuperMax bit around Charlie's head. But the holes in the whole thing still distract me too much from just falling into the story.
Good sense of place and time in the opening. We're rejoining the story, but at a natural point.
"I signed you up for the basic classics" should be 'classes'.
Okay, worked together for fifty years.
"A nervous hand" is a bit 'tell'. "A tense hand," or "ran a hand through his finger, but his forearm was rigid" is better than saying "a nervous hand." (Both are better than saying "Charlie was nervous." Big Fat Tell there.)
Ending is ... mixed. It's like saying, "that's fine for you, but not for me." Here, it's not quite my preference in ending. The image is striking, a teen (probably waif, lithe and lean) running a finger on the brass plaque to the ancient town cemetery. It'd make a great CG, yes. But there's no sense for the scene. So ... it doesn't work for me. But, I've seen enough 'mood' CGs like this that I'm sure it appeals to others.
Their current partnership is annoying and dysfunctional. The block seems to be a plot element and not part of the character. Unless this he's had it imposed on him, and he himself is blocked from thinking about it, but that doesn't track with previous encounters where it seems he's taking great joy in finally locking her out.
That is a good thing, btw. It shows some sense of history in the fifty-seven years they shared. Her thinking back to if she abused her power... nah. That's a missed opportunity, to build the relationship and make it feel more like it has a history.
As of last two chapters, I wasn't sure if they were just thrown together for this mission or were partners for some time before. They didn't seem to talk like it. In a long relationship, people grow together *and* they grow apart. The parts that click, click really well. The parts that don't, they grind and grate. People develop 'emotional minefields' and start 'gunnysacking' where this arguement is never about just *this* thing, but also *these* other things that make *this* part of a trend.
For someone who's been doing this (assuming she's been working with the DP and encountered Charlie through them) for that long, she's either careless, foolish, or overconfident. The problem is that she acts *young*, which is not in keeping with my idea of how someone perpetually trapped in a teen's body would react.
Think back to any adolescent, or even real teen. They're usually arguing that they're "all grown up now" and that they're ready for freedoms (but let's wait on the responsibility part, Ma, okay?) That's how I'd see her - resenting being overlooked and underestimated and trying to overcompensate.
Of course, she could have adopted the "when life gives you lemons" attitude, too.
Back to the original feeling - she's in a strange town, and their bosses have set them up in a very inhospitable site. I would expect her to be more careful and guarded.
This chapter adds quite a bit - especially the SuperMax bit around Charlie's head. But the holes in the whole thing still distract me too much from just falling into the story.
1/19/2010 c3 taerkitty
Opening is wholly dependent on the previous chapter. That makes sense, the scene has not changed. I'm not sure that makes a good chapter break, though. It's common enough, fear not. But, I feel, just as each chapter's end should entice the reader to turn the page, each chapter's start should hook the reader anew. Remember, the previous chapter only got the reader to start this one. This chapter will need to push the reader on its own merits.
May need a new allegory than the penny in the light socket. I was used last chapter.
Ending is good. It has a good 'ba-dah-dum' finish. (Please don't start the next chapter immediately after this. ;) )
"Vampires in a church." So Charlie is one as well? He certainly moves fast and has some sort of extraordinary ability to marshal his thoughts.
They're in the basement, probably the Sunday School room. There's a description of the room, but no indication of how many crosses. There seems to be a wall of crosses, but the initial description didn't say that.
Oh, two walls. Double the above comment, then.
Given how strongly she reacts to crosses, I would expect her to register that immediately.
"Old fashioned bell phone" doesn't bring anything to mind. "Rotary-dial" might be what you want.
The style of writing here puts mood and... I don't know if 'verisimiltude' is the correct word, but the act of putting the reader into the character's disoriented state, over clarity. While I can see the appeal to say, "she's confused, so you're confused," the problem is that I'm confused about *her confusion.*
Think of this as if the protagonist was captured and blindfolded. S/he would then start trying to compensate with other senses. The author establishes the character is blindfolded, then sets about giving the reader a sense of the surroundings in spite of that impedient.
We don't know Charlie, and we don't know her established working relationship with him. Her comments about being left in the dark, without the sigh of familiarity makes me think this is new. She seems to like to act the part of a teen, so with that mindset, I would expect her to be more aggressive in questioning.
I guess what this comes down to is that it feels like the author is trying to keep key pieces away, and that disrupts my ability to immerse myself in the illusion. The conversation is stilted and limited, so Stella knows she's deliberately being kept in the dark. However, with Stella's failure to pursue the questions, I feel that I'm in the same straits.
Opening is wholly dependent on the previous chapter. That makes sense, the scene has not changed. I'm not sure that makes a good chapter break, though. It's common enough, fear not. But, I feel, just as each chapter's end should entice the reader to turn the page, each chapter's start should hook the reader anew. Remember, the previous chapter only got the reader to start this one. This chapter will need to push the reader on its own merits.
May need a new allegory than the penny in the light socket. I was used last chapter.
Ending is good. It has a good 'ba-dah-dum' finish. (Please don't start the next chapter immediately after this. ;) )
"Vampires in a church." So Charlie is one as well? He certainly moves fast and has some sort of extraordinary ability to marshal his thoughts.
They're in the basement, probably the Sunday School room. There's a description of the room, but no indication of how many crosses. There seems to be a wall of crosses, but the initial description didn't say that.
Oh, two walls. Double the above comment, then.
Given how strongly she reacts to crosses, I would expect her to register that immediately.
"Old fashioned bell phone" doesn't bring anything to mind. "Rotary-dial" might be what you want.
The style of writing here puts mood and... I don't know if 'verisimiltude' is the correct word, but the act of putting the reader into the character's disoriented state, over clarity. While I can see the appeal to say, "she's confused, so you're confused," the problem is that I'm confused about *her confusion.*
Think of this as if the protagonist was captured and blindfolded. S/he would then start trying to compensate with other senses. The author establishes the character is blindfolded, then sets about giving the reader a sense of the surroundings in spite of that impedient.
We don't know Charlie, and we don't know her established working relationship with him. Her comments about being left in the dark, without the sigh of familiarity makes me think this is new. She seems to like to act the part of a teen, so with that mindset, I would expect her to be more aggressive in questioning.
I guess what this comes down to is that it feels like the author is trying to keep key pieces away, and that disrupts my ability to immerse myself in the illusion. The conversation is stilted and limited, so Stella knows she's deliberately being kept in the dark. However, with Stella's failure to pursue the questions, I feel that I'm in the same straits.
1/18/2010 c2 taerkitty
Opening sentence is confusing - who's Charlemagne? Old 40 - is that the highway? Okay, it's made clear in very short order. Opening section is decent. I'm defining it as stopping when she starts poking at the radio.
No comments in the middle - was too busy flailing about trying to make sense of it.
Good ending, but not great. It seems a bit obvious in a 'we're going to make Stella as uncomfortable as possible' trend. We also know she's not the stereotype vampire (thank you), so there's a chance the church may adversely affect her.
Character voice and narrative is strong. I like her wit and way of speaking. I'm not sure she'd give it up as quickly as she did once the nausea hit, though.
Mood is good. There's a sense of foreboding, and a bit of danger.
"Why" is where it gets difficult. Almost all fiction relies on some degree of secret knowledge, even if it's that the author knows what the character will choose in that critical decision. Here, there's probably too much going on at once.
It's completely disjoint from the preface, which was clear in what's going on right here and now, but, as always, the events leading up to Edwin challenging Stella with a stake are the key.
The first chapter is disorienting, introducing to us a new character deep-end-of-the-pool style. Moreover, Charlie has his own secrets, which Stella is able to describe in part, so we have a partial picture of ... a partial picture.
Stella has her own abilities which are not in keeping with a traditional vampire, and they are nicely double-edged. They're also introduced in a confusing manner. At the end of the chapter, I see they're somewhat empathic, though why a strong sense of love would cause her such nausea doesn't work - she still sounds like one of us. It's not like she's turned completely Dark Side and requires fresh babies for food.
At the end of the chapter I feel it's like finishing a roller-coster, especially one where the sadistic designer tosses one last *bump* at the end. I'm dizzy, unsure what's next, and looking forward to riding it again.
Opening sentence is confusing - who's Charlemagne? Old 40 - is that the highway? Okay, it's made clear in very short order. Opening section is decent. I'm defining it as stopping when she starts poking at the radio.
No comments in the middle - was too busy flailing about trying to make sense of it.
Good ending, but not great. It seems a bit obvious in a 'we're going to make Stella as uncomfortable as possible' trend. We also know she's not the stereotype vampire (thank you), so there's a chance the church may adversely affect her.
Character voice and narrative is strong. I like her wit and way of speaking. I'm not sure she'd give it up as quickly as she did once the nausea hit, though.
Mood is good. There's a sense of foreboding, and a bit of danger.
"Why" is where it gets difficult. Almost all fiction relies on some degree of secret knowledge, even if it's that the author knows what the character will choose in that critical decision. Here, there's probably too much going on at once.
It's completely disjoint from the preface, which was clear in what's going on right here and now, but, as always, the events leading up to Edwin challenging Stella with a stake are the key.
The first chapter is disorienting, introducing to us a new character deep-end-of-the-pool style. Moreover, Charlie has his own secrets, which Stella is able to describe in part, so we have a partial picture of ... a partial picture.
Stella has her own abilities which are not in keeping with a traditional vampire, and they are nicely double-edged. They're also introduced in a confusing manner. At the end of the chapter, I see they're somewhat empathic, though why a strong sense of love would cause her such nausea doesn't work - she still sounds like one of us. It's not like she's turned completely Dark Side and requires fresh babies for food.
At the end of the chapter I feel it's like finishing a roller-coster, especially one where the sadistic designer tosses one last *bump* at the end. I'm dizzy, unsure what's next, and looking forward to riding it again.
1/18/2010 c6 4bouttellom
um... this was really cool. i liked it. im a big twilight fan and to me this is nothing like twilight :)
if you wanted someone to say it fine then - "Vampires are, like, so yesterday." lol
this is a really good story and i hope you right some more
p.s you so should put-"What if I'm not Batman? What if I'm The Joker?" that would be so funny.
4bouttellomum... this was really cool. i liked it. im a big twilight fan and to me this is nothing like twilight :)
if you wanted someone to say it fine then - "Vampires are, like, so yesterday." lol
this is a really good story and i hope you right some more
p.s you so should put-"What if I'm not Batman? What if I'm The Joker?" that would be so funny.
1/15/2010 c1 19paigeDarling
this is so cute and new i'm now excited to read the next chapter..thanks for posting this one!
19paigeDarlingthis is so cute and new i'm now excited to read the next chapter..thanks for posting this one!
1/15/2010 c2 62WriterOnTheMove
i'm all for supernatural books, and i really like this one...the descriptions are really nice, i really like the camparisons, and just the entire concept.
Ca't wait to continue reading...keep it up :)
~elyssa~
62WriterOnTheMovei'm all for supernatural books, and i really like this one...the descriptions are really nice, i really like the camparisons, and just the entire concept.
Ca't wait to continue reading...keep it up :)
~elyssa~
1/14/2010 c3 8PencilSketchS
Hm, it seems Stella and Charleamgne are have problems. I wonder what he's hiding. And I wander who the Dark Patrol are. Stella's powers are interesting. I like how you describe what it's like to try to grab a hod of Charlie's thoughts.
I'll read more tomorrow.
Pencils
8PencilSketchSHm, it seems Stella and Charleamgne are have problems. I wonder what he's hiding. And I wander who the Dark Patrol are. Stella's powers are interesting. I like how you describe what it's like to try to grab a hod of Charlie's thoughts.
I'll read more tomorrow.
Pencils
1/14/2010 c2 PencilSketchS
Stella's powers are kinda rough on her, huh? And I take it Charlemagne is a zombie then? If he has cold blood? He could be a vamp too though. And they're staying at a church?
I must say I enjoyed the whole lips against ear thing far too much.
Still, this is an easy read, the characters are interesting and I like it.
Stella's powers are kinda rough on her, huh? And I take it Charlemagne is a zombie then? If he has cold blood? He could be a vamp too though. And they're staying at a church?
I must say I enjoyed the whole lips against ear thing far too much.
Still, this is an easy read, the characters are interesting and I like it.
1/14/2010 c1 14K.M.Simpson
Wow. Who cares if its a bit like Twilight. I really like the start of this its intruging and I'm gonig to read more of it now. Her characters cival I like that, kind hearted. Good job.
-K.M.Simpson.
14K.M.SimpsonWow. Who cares if its a bit like Twilight. I really like the start of this its intruging and I'm gonig to read more of it now. Her characters cival I like that, kind hearted. Good job.
-K.M.Simpson.
1/14/2010 c1 8PencilSketchS
Okay, wow. I love your analogies. Cases in point:
"The kind of voice that you hear coming out of a parent who doesn’t exactly know how to tell their five-year-old about the unfortunate accident and that the beloved cat they so loved to death is, well, dead."
(That? Is hilarious, even though it is sad in it's own way to... but it's just so...well, direct. Ironic)
"That horrible, nasty, glass-smashing-on-the-linoleum-floor sound that hearts make whenever they shatter."
(I actually imagined that as I read it and it really makes a big impact)
Otherwise, it;s sad that Stella (okay, I haven't read any of the twilight books, but really...Stella... Bella...*grins*) wants to die. But it's for retribution, right.
Well, I'm off to the next chapter. This story sounds like a lot of fun. It's easy to read, and you have a good sense of humour. I'm liking it so far.
8PencilSketchSOkay, wow. I love your analogies. Cases in point:
"The kind of voice that you hear coming out of a parent who doesn’t exactly know how to tell their five-year-old about the unfortunate accident and that the beloved cat they so loved to death is, well, dead."
(That? Is hilarious, even though it is sad in it's own way to... but it's just so...well, direct. Ironic)
"That horrible, nasty, glass-smashing-on-the-linoleum-floor sound that hearts make whenever they shatter."
(I actually imagined that as I read it and it really makes a big impact)
Otherwise, it;s sad that Stella (okay, I haven't read any of the twilight books, but really...Stella... Bella...*grins*) wants to die. But it's for retribution, right.
Well, I'm off to the next chapter. This story sounds like a lot of fun. It's easy to read, and you have a good sense of humour. I'm liking it so far.
1/13/2010 c6 13Caleb Kruspe
Ah crap, she's screwed. If I may offer a bit of critique, what did the wolf look like? Did it's fur glisten in the light or was it matted or was it just fur? Was there a cliche of drool seeping from it's snarling mouth? Other than that, nothing to really nitpick on. Now you've got very curious to see how this all plays out in the upcoming chapters.
13Caleb KruspeAh crap, she's screwed. If I may offer a bit of critique, what did the wolf look like? Did it's fur glisten in the light or was it matted or was it just fur? Was there a cliche of drool seeping from it's snarling mouth? Other than that, nothing to really nitpick on. Now you've got very curious to see how this all plays out in the upcoming chapters.