for Dusk1/13/2010 c5 
13Caleb Kruspe
Ow, backplant onto the rocks...ouch!
Hm, that's kinda fishy...how the dog arrives just moments before the boy wall hopping into the plot-lot. There was a nice interospective about the name Toto but being unable to remember important details about recently buried.
13Caleb KruspeOw, backplant onto the rocks...ouch!
Hm, that's kinda fishy...how the dog arrives just moments before the boy wall hopping into the plot-lot. There was a nice interospective about the name Toto but being unable to remember important details about recently buried.
1/13/2010 c4 Caleb Kruspe
Well well well, seems she's quite the sassy girl. Don't know why, but for some reason I could picture saying "patience is a pain in the a**" or something along those lines.
I must say, after reading this far, the imagry of his thought 'denials' are very vivid. So much so that I actually jumped when the metal doors came down.
Well well well, seems she's quite the sassy girl. Don't know why, but for some reason I could picture saying "patience is a pain in the a**" or something along those lines.
I must say, after reading this far, the imagry of his thought 'denials' are very vivid. So much so that I actually jumped when the metal doors came down.
1/13/2010 c3 Caleb Kruspe
Poor poor Stella having to turn the crosses. Though I may not entirely understand the setup, wouldn't logic say that it would be best to use a cloth or a jacket or something to use as a buffer between her hands and the symbols? Unless she's a little absent minded?
Then we come to Charlie and what he's hiding. I wonder what he's hiding.
Excellently played. Onto the next ch.
Poor poor Stella having to turn the crosses. Though I may not entirely understand the setup, wouldn't logic say that it would be best to use a cloth or a jacket or something to use as a buffer between her hands and the symbols? Unless she's a little absent minded?
Then we come to Charlie and what he's hiding. I wonder what he's hiding.
Excellently played. Onto the next ch.
1/13/2010 c6 2Flying Werecats
Oh, SNAP. She's been caught! Wait, I don't think you mentioned the boy's name...
2Flying WerecatsOh, SNAP. She's been caught! Wait, I don't think you mentioned the boy's name...
1/13/2010 c5 6The Saturday Storytellers
Fair enough if this is a serious chapter. I was thinking that at some point you might need to make a choice: comedy or drama, and if this is a chapter where you need to make that choice, that's fine.
However, I have to say you've got me on "Great. I could practically hear the bricks laughing at me. Just my luck.". I hate climbing, too, so I know just how that feels! Bang on the nailhead again!
"...and my brain demanded to know why I’d been so stupid." Oh, I'm not so sure. Your wit seems to be on top form in this chapter, regardless of what you said in your author note. Maybe you just feel there to be more problems with this chapter than there really are?
Ha! You might not have glampires in your story, but your vampires certainly know their internet memes! "epic wall-climbing failure." Indeed!
Ooh. What the hell's Dark Patrol?
"After a moment, I started to pick around inside its mind, but stopped after about the tenth mention of food." Ha (again)! I'll say again, your wit is indeed on top form here. Although nothing appears to be happening plot-wise, you're making the observation on Stella interesting enough. The comedy's tiding you over just fine. You also seem to have subtly alluded to the fact that Stella isn't some 'everybody will fear me' god-like vampire, but a vulnerable demi-human who can read minds but not use this ability to solve every little problem she gets. When that dog first turned up she was genuinely afraid of being hurt by it. That's a nice little touch.
Ah, and again: a nice cliffhanger. Why's she particularly interested in this guitar-carrying boy? I take it the interest is more than simply the fact that he's out at a funny time of night...
6The Saturday StorytellersFair enough if this is a serious chapter. I was thinking that at some point you might need to make a choice: comedy or drama, and if this is a chapter where you need to make that choice, that's fine.
However, I have to say you've got me on "Great. I could practically hear the bricks laughing at me. Just my luck.". I hate climbing, too, so I know just how that feels! Bang on the nailhead again!
"...and my brain demanded to know why I’d been so stupid." Oh, I'm not so sure. Your wit seems to be on top form in this chapter, regardless of what you said in your author note. Maybe you just feel there to be more problems with this chapter than there really are?
Ha! You might not have glampires in your story, but your vampires certainly know their internet memes! "epic wall-climbing failure." Indeed!
Ooh. What the hell's Dark Patrol?
"After a moment, I started to pick around inside its mind, but stopped after about the tenth mention of food." Ha (again)! I'll say again, your wit is indeed on top form here. Although nothing appears to be happening plot-wise, you're making the observation on Stella interesting enough. The comedy's tiding you over just fine. You also seem to have subtly alluded to the fact that Stella isn't some 'everybody will fear me' god-like vampire, but a vulnerable demi-human who can read minds but not use this ability to solve every little problem she gets. When that dog first turned up she was genuinely afraid of being hurt by it. That's a nice little touch.
Ah, and again: a nice cliffhanger. Why's she particularly interested in this guitar-carrying boy? I take it the interest is more than simply the fact that he's out at a funny time of night...
1/11/2010 c3 WutNow
Here from Roadhouse!
I thought this was a funny installment to the already humorous story that you are writing. I liked the little tension they both have for each other, Stella is very easy going while Charl tries to control her in a way. As far as the story goes, I'm clueless at the direction the story is heading. It's probably too early to tell anyway, but yeah, just wanted to let you know. I'm a little bit confused though- you mean from the very beginning she was already a vampire? I thought the chapter before was her being "normal" and not yet bitten by the vampire bug? I'm not sure if I misread anything, but that's how I interpreted the story. I think you failed to mention whether it was prior to the prologue or after... I'm still a little confused ( I fail at fantasy stories lol).
Overall, I thought it was well done. I would have liked if you added more description though- I found it lacking. Explain more what the purpose of the church is, why do they have to be there? Aren't they harmed by the crosses? etc. What does it mean to Invert them? (sorry for my questions lol).
-Agent.Frappuccino
Here from Roadhouse!
I thought this was a funny installment to the already humorous story that you are writing. I liked the little tension they both have for each other, Stella is very easy going while Charl tries to control her in a way. As far as the story goes, I'm clueless at the direction the story is heading. It's probably too early to tell anyway, but yeah, just wanted to let you know. I'm a little bit confused though- you mean from the very beginning she was already a vampire? I thought the chapter before was her being "normal" and not yet bitten by the vampire bug? I'm not sure if I misread anything, but that's how I interpreted the story. I think you failed to mention whether it was prior to the prologue or after... I'm still a little confused ( I fail at fantasy stories lol).
Overall, I thought it was well done. I would have liked if you added more description though- I found it lacking. Explain more what the purpose of the church is, why do they have to be there? Aren't they harmed by the crosses? etc. What does it mean to Invert them? (sorry for my questions lol).
-Agent.Frappuccino
1/11/2010 c1 1soojinyeh
How interesting-something that was originally a Twilight parody. I'm not a fan of that series so your AN made me laugh. Onto the review.
Oh God, the beginning was hilarious. "I was already dead so what was the point"? And then a quote from Juno. I love your tone-I could literally see a hooded figure popping up and waving in my mind when you talked about Death popping up.
The characters' interactions are hilarious as well-the way Edwin goes and freaks out because she called him "Winnie" is comparable to the way Edward acts in the book. And the way she talks about herself deserving a painful death like the way Bella hates herself and tries to stop her pulse in the book is just gold.
This is very entertaining. Keep it up.
1soojinyehHow interesting-something that was originally a Twilight parody. I'm not a fan of that series so your AN made me laugh. Onto the review.
Oh God, the beginning was hilarious. "I was already dead so what was the point"? And then a quote from Juno. I love your tone-I could literally see a hooded figure popping up and waving in my mind when you talked about Death popping up.
The characters' interactions are hilarious as well-the way Edwin goes and freaks out because she called him "Winnie" is comparable to the way Edward acts in the book. And the way she talks about herself deserving a painful death like the way Bella hates herself and tries to stop her pulse in the book is just gold.
This is very entertaining. Keep it up.
1/11/2010 c2 13Caleb Kruspe
K so I had a few minutes of free time...onto the review.
ch1/prologue: Very interesting to see how you humanized the notion of death not as the reaper but as, like you elequently described, a long lost friend.
ch 2/love hearts
For a few seconds it felt like Charlie was going to break that poor ol' wheel with his grip. Very nice touch with Stella's er um...deposit onto the floorboard of the car at the feeling of love. A vampire staying at a church, now that could be interesting.
Over all, pretty good...extra credit for not turning it into the dreaded "T" word.
First chance I get I'll come back and read more.
13Caleb KruspeK so I had a few minutes of free time...onto the review.
ch1/prologue: Very interesting to see how you humanized the notion of death not as the reaper but as, like you elequently described, a long lost friend.
ch 2/love hearts
For a few seconds it felt like Charlie was going to break that poor ol' wheel with his grip. Very nice touch with Stella's er um...deposit onto the floorboard of the car at the feeling of love. A vampire staying at a church, now that could be interesting.
Over all, pretty good...extra credit for not turning it into the dreaded "T" word.
First chance I get I'll come back and read more.
1/11/2010 c4 6The Saturday Storytellers
Oh! How did Charlie manage to set up an alarm system and prevent Stella from getting any information via psychic means at all? Either you've not explained how this is possible, or it's got something to do with the church. Or something I've missed entirely, of course! But it throws up an interesting concept: that Stella has one less weapon available to her.
Worrying conversation that she's having with Charlie, where he's just not giving her any information. Well, that proves something: you've got me to care about Stella. Comedy and parody aside, you've done a skillful thing, there.
If you wanted to make this chapter longer, you could go into more introspective stuff by Stella about how the ability to mind-read affects one's life. Not that the amount there is desperately short at the moment, but I notice this is a short chapter. So if you wanted to expand it a bit, make it feel fuller...
So Stella's been Charlie's partner for a long time but he was invited to learn something that Stella must not know. And now she's been taken to a church which, although it doesn't look like it'll kill her, is an unpleasant place. Perhaps a church can eventually kill her, but it seems unlikely that's what's going to happen. So I'll admit that this leaves me confused about how the story's going to carry on, but I'm enjoying it, I have to say!
You're dragging out Stella's helplessness well, though. Some nice tension there.
Ah. "...because no one else had been willing to except the case." That should be 'accept'.
The fact that Stella is quite old (what did you say again? I know it was several decades, at least) but complains (in her head, anyway) that Spoons is 'boring as hell' sounds a bit too teenagery for me. Either this is an oversight on your part of her brain chemistry is stuck at teen level, although that doesn't quite ring right with me.
Oh, yeah? Fun, in a cemetery? Next chapter'll be good! Cheeky little secondary cliffhanger, there!
- Pay back via Shamanics.
- From the Roadhouse.
6The Saturday StorytellersOh! How did Charlie manage to set up an alarm system and prevent Stella from getting any information via psychic means at all? Either you've not explained how this is possible, or it's got something to do with the church. Or something I've missed entirely, of course! But it throws up an interesting concept: that Stella has one less weapon available to her.
Worrying conversation that she's having with Charlie, where he's just not giving her any information. Well, that proves something: you've got me to care about Stella. Comedy and parody aside, you've done a skillful thing, there.
If you wanted to make this chapter longer, you could go into more introspective stuff by Stella about how the ability to mind-read affects one's life. Not that the amount there is desperately short at the moment, but I notice this is a short chapter. So if you wanted to expand it a bit, make it feel fuller...
So Stella's been Charlie's partner for a long time but he was invited to learn something that Stella must not know. And now she's been taken to a church which, although it doesn't look like it'll kill her, is an unpleasant place. Perhaps a church can eventually kill her, but it seems unlikely that's what's going to happen. So I'll admit that this leaves me confused about how the story's going to carry on, but I'm enjoying it, I have to say!
You're dragging out Stella's helplessness well, though. Some nice tension there.
Ah. "...because no one else had been willing to except the case." That should be 'accept'.
The fact that Stella is quite old (what did you say again? I know it was several decades, at least) but complains (in her head, anyway) that Spoons is 'boring as hell' sounds a bit too teenagery for me. Either this is an oversight on your part of her brain chemistry is stuck at teen level, although that doesn't quite ring right with me.
Oh, yeah? Fun, in a cemetery? Next chapter'll be good! Cheeky little secondary cliffhanger, there!
- Pay back via Shamanics.
- From the Roadhouse.
1/10/2010 c2 22Mi.Ishi
I like Charlie and Stella's relationship; their camaraderie makes me happy.
My only thing about this chapter that I wasn't the greatest fan of was the lack of scene at the beginning. You built it up a bit more further into the chapter, but because it's all first person POV, and Stella is doing so much observing, I think you could have done more with the place and time that they're traveling in.
But I'm definitely hooked now. I'm looking forward to finding out more about this organization that they're from, and their mission, etc.
Cheers,
-Shay (from RH - review repaid!)
22Mi.IshiI like Charlie and Stella's relationship; their camaraderie makes me happy.
My only thing about this chapter that I wasn't the greatest fan of was the lack of scene at the beginning. You built it up a bit more further into the chapter, but because it's all first person POV, and Stella is doing so much observing, I think you could have done more with the place and time that they're traveling in.
But I'm definitely hooked now. I'm looking forward to finding out more about this organization that they're from, and their mission, etc.
Cheers,
-Shay (from RH - review repaid!)
1/7/2010 c6 8Kobra Kid
Ahh! Toto was evil, EVIL! T_T But I loved itt. I did not expect Toto, innocent Toto, to be a friggin' wolf! And then this Light Patrol lady was watching her the whole time! Good thing that Stella didn't drink the boy's blood.
Overall, it was greatt! I loved it and cant wait for the update! :D Awesome job!
~Crymson Black
8Kobra KidAhh! Toto was evil, EVIL! T_T But I loved itt. I did not expect Toto, innocent Toto, to be a friggin' wolf! And then this Light Patrol lady was watching her the whole time! Good thing that Stella didn't drink the boy's blood.
Overall, it was greatt! I loved it and cant wait for the update! :D Awesome job!
~Crymson Black
1/7/2010 c5 Kobra Kid
Two words: EPICALLY AWESOME! :D It was great, definitely when cute, lil ToTo came in :3 (I love dogs haha)
But, ahem, back to the story. It was great to see Stella have a humane side. Showing her sorrow for the baby and anger at the baby's family for keeping horrible care of the tombstone. It was really great :] Also, seeing her and Toto interact was great as well. I'm glad she didn't rip out his throat though. 0_0 Haha, but this guitar boy. He sounds mysterious and dreamy already! Haha xD Can't wait to read the next chapter! Great job! :D
~Crymson Black
P.S. Return pleasee? Thanks so much! :D
Two words: EPICALLY AWESOME! :D It was great, definitely when cute, lil ToTo came in :3 (I love dogs haha)
But, ahem, back to the story. It was great to see Stella have a humane side. Showing her sorrow for the baby and anger at the baby's family for keeping horrible care of the tombstone. It was really great :] Also, seeing her and Toto interact was great as well. I'm glad she didn't rip out his throat though. 0_0 Haha, but this guitar boy. He sounds mysterious and dreamy already! Haha xD Can't wait to read the next chapter! Great job! :D
~Crymson Black
P.S. Return pleasee? Thanks so much! :D