for Dusk1/5/2010 c3 
6The Saturday Storytellers
I'm liking the hook of finding out what happens in your particular continuity when you put a vampire in a church, it's making me want to read on! Love the crack addicts simile!
Some very nice dialogue going on here - your dialogue flows. Not everybody manages that, and it's an important part of the skill of writing.
You've got some really snappy one-liners in here. Very crisp!
Again, you've got a nice balance between crisp satire and dark vampirism. I'm enjoying your work!
- Pay back via Shamanics.
- from the Roadhouse.
6The Saturday StorytellersI'm liking the hook of finding out what happens in your particular continuity when you put a vampire in a church, it's making me want to read on! Love the crack addicts simile!
Some very nice dialogue going on here - your dialogue flows. Not everybody manages that, and it's an important part of the skill of writing.
You've got some really snappy one-liners in here. Very crisp!
Again, you've got a nice balance between crisp satire and dark vampirism. I'm enjoying your work!
- Pay back via Shamanics.
- from the Roadhouse.
1/3/2010 c6 30sophiesix
Oh, awesome chapter! you sure packed a lot in after five chapters of, well, less, happening, so this was even awesomer for the action packedness contrast. love the whole trying not to eat guitar boy while he's tryin to 'save' her XDD
I was starting to think they'd have to call a vet what with all teh toto kicking, but i guess if he's a werewolf he'll heal quick. So yeah did she eat toto or did he turn into teh werewolf, or was that a different werewolf...? looking forward to the update!
30sophiesixOh, awesome chapter! you sure packed a lot in after five chapters of, well, less, happening, so this was even awesomer for the action packedness contrast. love the whole trying not to eat guitar boy while he's tryin to 'save' her XDD
I was starting to think they'd have to call a vet what with all teh toto kicking, but i guess if he's a werewolf he'll heal quick. So yeah did she eat toto or did he turn into teh werewolf, or was that a different werewolf...? looking forward to the update!
1/3/2010 c6 3WeFallForever
Damn! On top of everything else, Stella gets arrested, too! I hope something happens that sets her free.
3WeFallForeverDamn! On top of everything else, Stella gets arrested, too! I hope something happens that sets her free.
1/2/2010 c4 1.21 Jigawatts
Your dialogue is really clever, and I personally don't mind the lack of detail. I'm really intrigued as to where you draw your inspiration for these characters from, and how you manage this type of interaction. Is it natural or do you have to plan it out? Stella and Charlie are hilarious together and their interaction has taken center stage, yet the story still manages to foreshadow something more serious in the background (plot-wise). I'll be following this-
Your dialogue is really clever, and I personally don't mind the lack of detail. I'm really intrigued as to where you draw your inspiration for these characters from, and how you manage this type of interaction. Is it natural or do you have to plan it out? Stella and Charlie are hilarious together and their interaction has taken center stage, yet the story still manages to foreshadow something more serious in the background (plot-wise). I'll be following this-
1/1/2010 c5 30sophiesix
“the last, mournful cry of a dying cat” lol love it. really sad with teh baby, but felt kinda random to me too, maybe it toes together a bit more next chapter. What was seh planing on finding in teh graveyard if not things like that? What was her idea of fun?
Oh, and I noticed not a single bit of over description. NOt one. But I know what you mean, I had the same issue with my stuff. So yeah, crank it up, i want to see you overdo it ;D
30sophiesix“the last, mournful cry of a dying cat” lol love it. really sad with teh baby, but felt kinda random to me too, maybe it toes together a bit more next chapter. What was seh planing on finding in teh graveyard if not things like that? What was her idea of fun?
Oh, and I noticed not a single bit of over description. NOt one. But I know what you mean, I had the same issue with my stuff. So yeah, crank it up, i want to see you overdo it ;D
12/31/2009 c4 4lookingwest
First off all, this is off topic from my review, but I really appreciate the little intro you put into the first chapter concerning Twilight-and I apologize if I was mean in my review of the first chapter, I was really confused and panicked-I forget that I'm not the only one who despises Twilight and wants to make it better, haha. So I like that. For the aforementioned reasons.
But, concerning Chapter Three!
I really LOVE how opposite this is from the story it's parodying because I've only seen this done before in one other novel, A Certain Slant Of Light, but that was with ghosts (entering human bodies to experience life) so this is just way cooler, I can't wait to see where it goes and I think it's a much more creative idea than fing Twilight.
I also like how Charlie is developing as a character, I didn't see this in earlier chapters, his easy conversation, and I like it a lot. Their relationship especially jumped out at me at the beginning when Stella felt his mind blocked, that was just a great scene because you described everything perfectly and it was nice to have that-I liked the shoebox analogy and the way you described the barriers, because I remember that being similar in Twilight, but it was used much better in this.
Algebra. Gross.
Creative Writing. Thumbs up!
You've definitley got me more interested, XD
4lookingwestFirst off all, this is off topic from my review, but I really appreciate the little intro you put into the first chapter concerning Twilight-and I apologize if I was mean in my review of the first chapter, I was really confused and panicked-I forget that I'm not the only one who despises Twilight and wants to make it better, haha. So I like that. For the aforementioned reasons.
But, concerning Chapter Three!
I really LOVE how opposite this is from the story it's parodying because I've only seen this done before in one other novel, A Certain Slant Of Light, but that was with ghosts (entering human bodies to experience life) so this is just way cooler, I can't wait to see where it goes and I think it's a much more creative idea than fing Twilight.
I also like how Charlie is developing as a character, I didn't see this in earlier chapters, his easy conversation, and I like it a lot. Their relationship especially jumped out at me at the beginning when Stella felt his mind blocked, that was just a great scene because you described everything perfectly and it was nice to have that-I liked the shoebox analogy and the way you described the barriers, because I remember that being similar in Twilight, but it was used much better in this.
Algebra. Gross.
Creative Writing. Thumbs up!
You've definitley got me more interested, XD
12/31/2009 c4 7zombie chickens
Another enjoyable chapter. Though I have to say that I'm all with Charlie on this one, I wouldn't want someone poking around in my brain either-that's a privacy breach. But I also think it's hilarious that Stella is so betrayed by the fact that she can't anymore. These characters are really funny and I can't wait to see what happens when she goes to school.
7zombie chickensAnother enjoyable chapter. Though I have to say that I'm all with Charlie on this one, I wouldn't want someone poking around in my brain either-that's a privacy breach. But I also think it's hilarious that Stella is so betrayed by the fact that she can't anymore. These characters are really funny and I can't wait to see what happens when she goes to school.
12/31/2009 c1 The Tragedian
I'm impressed. I'm not a Twilight fan; I find, by the look of this, this to be quite better than sparking vampires. Your style is different is quite refreshing.
You got potential!
FH
I'm impressed. I'm not a Twilight fan; I find, by the look of this, this to be quite better than sparking vampires. Your style is different is quite refreshing.
You got potential!
FH
12/31/2009 c3 4InkedSoul
Omg this is a really really good story, a great parody of Twilight! I read only the first book of the Twilight series(sorry not rly a Twilight fan...-.-) so I can sort of follow whats going on. This story is funny and an enjoyable read. Too bad I don't have the time to read the rest of the chapters now but I will surely get to them because I am curious of what's happening due to the suspense. Either way good job! :D
~Idareutoguess
4InkedSoulOmg this is a really really good story, a great parody of Twilight! I read only the first book of the Twilight series(sorry not rly a Twilight fan...-.-) so I can sort of follow whats going on. This story is funny and an enjoyable read. Too bad I don't have the time to read the rest of the chapters now but I will surely get to them because I am curious of what's happening due to the suspense. Either way good job! :D
~Idareutoguess
12/31/2009 c2 6The Saturday Storytellers
Heh!
"I glanced over at his speedometer. We were going—
No. That couldn’t possibly be right.
I checked again, hoping that I’d been seeing things.
We were going thirty-goddamn-seven miles an hour. Wherever we were going, Charlemagne sure wasn’t in any hurry to get there."
Nice timing. Very nice!
Again, your lack of angst makes the story light and fun reading.
Mm, good work: you've got some drama going. Charlemagne's not happy and, despite the comedic tone of some of your writing - even a couple of paragraphs before - you've got me caring about what the problem is. The situation they're in - him driving deliberately slowly rather than speeding, for example - is a good hook. I've long thought that good comedies should be able to make you worry over the characters as well as laugh at them.
I'm wondering whether you need to do a scene break or a head-hop or something when Stella retreats into her mind. It's quite a big change of mood from the previous mind-reading she's just been doing. Perhaps getting a window on what Charlie thinks and feels about Stella might be useful, too.
Aha! Another slick move from you: you've made the girl forever 16, so she's actually older and wiser. This means - to me - that I'll be reading of a girl in a 16 year old's situation (school and so on) but with more savvy than that. This should be good!
Yes, some very nice work going on here. I like what you're doing with this story. Keep on keeping on!
- Please pay back via Shamanics, chapter 2.
- From the Roadhouse.
6The Saturday StorytellersHeh!
"I glanced over at his speedometer. We were going—
No. That couldn’t possibly be right.
I checked again, hoping that I’d been seeing things.
We were going thirty-goddamn-seven miles an hour. Wherever we were going, Charlemagne sure wasn’t in any hurry to get there."
Nice timing. Very nice!
Again, your lack of angst makes the story light and fun reading.
Mm, good work: you've got some drama going. Charlemagne's not happy and, despite the comedic tone of some of your writing - even a couple of paragraphs before - you've got me caring about what the problem is. The situation they're in - him driving deliberately slowly rather than speeding, for example - is a good hook. I've long thought that good comedies should be able to make you worry over the characters as well as laugh at them.
I'm wondering whether you need to do a scene break or a head-hop or something when Stella retreats into her mind. It's quite a big change of mood from the previous mind-reading she's just been doing. Perhaps getting a window on what Charlie thinks and feels about Stella might be useful, too.
Aha! Another slick move from you: you've made the girl forever 16, so she's actually older and wiser. This means - to me - that I'll be reading of a girl in a 16 year old's situation (school and so on) but with more savvy than that. This should be good!
Yes, some very nice work going on here. I like what you're doing with this story. Keep on keeping on!
- Please pay back via Shamanics, chapter 2.
- From the Roadhouse.
12/31/2009 c1 The Saturday Storytellers
I'm glad to hear that Dusk is not a Twilight wannabe; thanks for the effort you've put into this story so far.
I've not read Twilight, although I have noted with interest the questionable morals in it, and I don't like the continuity one bit. So a parody is totally fine with me so long as it doesn't have, as you put it, the 'syrupy romance'. Therefore your quote from Juno is already a breath of fresh air!
Reading further about your description of thinking forward to meeting the Grim Reaper and yes, I do like your style. Far fresher than constantly being told Cullen is beautiful. Much more refreshing!
Yess! And again, Stell's showing some resilience in the face of an angry lover! I'm starting to think you referenced Twilight just to make your writing look better (you clever sod). Whatever: it's worked!
Overall, some very nice work. Wry, good pacing, a potentially good idea. No cliffhanger I can detect, though. Perhaps the first chapter needs that, just to crown it all off and draw your reader in further.
As I'd like you to review chapter 2 of my own story and that pretty much requires a review of chapter 1 already, I'll go straight to your second chapter...
I'm glad to hear that Dusk is not a Twilight wannabe; thanks for the effort you've put into this story so far.
I've not read Twilight, although I have noted with interest the questionable morals in it, and I don't like the continuity one bit. So a parody is totally fine with me so long as it doesn't have, as you put it, the 'syrupy romance'. Therefore your quote from Juno is already a breath of fresh air!
Reading further about your description of thinking forward to meeting the Grim Reaper and yes, I do like your style. Far fresher than constantly being told Cullen is beautiful. Much more refreshing!
Yess! And again, Stell's showing some resilience in the face of an angry lover! I'm starting to think you referenced Twilight just to make your writing look better (you clever sod). Whatever: it's worked!
Overall, some very nice work. Wry, good pacing, a potentially good idea. No cliffhanger I can detect, though. Perhaps the first chapter needs that, just to crown it all off and draw your reader in further.
As I'd like you to review chapter 2 of my own story and that pretty much requires a review of chapter 1 already, I'll go straight to your second chapter...
12/30/2009 c6 18Koi19
Dang Toto was a trap! Just not the kind of trap I was expecting, in a way. I figured he was some kind of pathetic attempt at a guard dog cept he was dang effective.
Wow no super vampire speed, strength or agility? Sucks to be you Stel, really.
And Officer Annoying, goodness I'm not gonna go there lest I rant for days.
I'd take a bite out of Guitar Boy anytime. Is he available for bachelorette parties?
18Koi19Dang Toto was a trap! Just not the kind of trap I was expecting, in a way. I figured he was some kind of pathetic attempt at a guard dog cept he was dang effective.
Wow no super vampire speed, strength or agility? Sucks to be you Stel, really.
And Officer Annoying, goodness I'm not gonna go there lest I rant for days.
I'd take a bite out of Guitar Boy anytime. Is he available for bachelorette parties?
12/30/2009 c1 22Mi.Ishi
Very impressive beginning. Really captivates the reader really quickly.
And I hate Twilight too. I haven't even read it, and I hate it. The actors are terrible...and what kind of vampire SPARKLES?
Stella is really cool. You're building the characters quickly and efficiently; they're taking shape very nicely.
I am surprised, that's for sure. The summary was very misleading, so I think I will actually continue this when I have the opportunity.
Cheers!
-Shay (from RH - review repaid! Sorry for the delay)
22Mi.IshiVery impressive beginning. Really captivates the reader really quickly.
And I hate Twilight too. I haven't even read it, and I hate it. The actors are terrible...and what kind of vampire SPARKLES?
Stella is really cool. You're building the characters quickly and efficiently; they're taking shape very nicely.
I am surprised, that's for sure. The summary was very misleading, so I think I will actually continue this when I have the opportunity.
Cheers!
-Shay (from RH - review repaid! Sorry for the delay)
12/30/2009 c3 7zombie chickens
Poor vampires, stuck in a church. I'm glad to see that you follow the traditional vampire lore that crosses burn and all that and as long as they don't start sparkling anytime soon I will happily keep reading this awesome story.
7zombie chickensPoor vampires, stuck in a church. I'm glad to see that you follow the traditional vampire lore that crosses burn and all that and as long as they don't start sparkling anytime soon I will happily keep reading this awesome story.
12/30/2009 c6 Palm Tree
AWW! What a sweet boy he turned out to be. 8] It's cute how clueless he is but I wouldn't expect any less. I get the feeling you'll for sure take him places, that meaning depth galore! *o*
You did a magnificent job of describing the force of the temptation Stella had to endure in the boy's presence, and the character interaction between them was just flawless. The first part of the chapter was just cute, then in direct contrast there's the second part that comes up once she's supposedly in the clear. I apologize for how creepy this may sound but I was totally cheering for her when she was going to drain Toto of his blood. It was just so IT. THAT'S what I miss in vampire tales, the animalistic hunting that does not relent, even for the cute and lovable puppy. But I wasn't disappointed at all when Toto turned out to be a... werewolf? I'm going to go with that for now. That was for sure a very unexpected twist and now I see what Charlie was warning her off. Poor Stella. LP's got you and what in the world is she going to do now?
I can't wait for your next update! 8D
AWW! What a sweet boy he turned out to be. 8] It's cute how clueless he is but I wouldn't expect any less. I get the feeling you'll for sure take him places, that meaning depth galore! *o*
You did a magnificent job of describing the force of the temptation Stella had to endure in the boy's presence, and the character interaction between them was just flawless. The first part of the chapter was just cute, then in direct contrast there's the second part that comes up once she's supposedly in the clear. I apologize for how creepy this may sound but I was totally cheering for her when she was going to drain Toto of his blood. It was just so IT. THAT'S what I miss in vampire tales, the animalistic hunting that does not relent, even for the cute and lovable puppy. But I wasn't disappointed at all when Toto turned out to be a... werewolf? I'm going to go with that for now. That was for sure a very unexpected twist and now I see what Charlie was warning her off. Poor Stella. LP's got you and what in the world is she going to do now?
I can't wait for your next update! 8D