for sometimes when we kiss, i can hear your thoughts9/7/2009 c1 
128vitriolicvermilion
This poem has a good premise, and enough lines to actually let it tell a story.
There were some places where it flowed so well that it almost rhymed (and a few places where I guess it accidentally rhymed).
However, in a lot of places it flowed in a way that makes me think it might've been better off as a poetic prose.
You had some grammar errors-"Even when your not here" for instance, should be "Even when you're not here". Such little nitpicky things like that. Not a big deal, but just for future reference (:
In general, it could use a little revision, but I really liked it. The premise was good and the word usage was descriptive. Nice job. (:
128vitriolicvermilionThis poem has a good premise, and enough lines to actually let it tell a story.
There were some places where it flowed so well that it almost rhymed (and a few places where I guess it accidentally rhymed).
However, in a lot of places it flowed in a way that makes me think it might've been better off as a poetic prose.
You had some grammar errors-"Even when your not here" for instance, should be "Even when you're not here". Such little nitpicky things like that. Not a big deal, but just for future reference (:
In general, it could use a little revision, but I really liked it. The premise was good and the word usage was descriptive. Nice job. (: