for Obsession7/27/2010 c1 this wild abyss
- “It took Morgan this long to find him.” Personal preference, but I think “It [had] taken…” sounds better. Also, without any present quantity, “this long” is a little hard to understand. It’s the first sentence, but the reader has no idea how long Morgan’s been looking for him.
- “Decades of dead end trails, false clues, and now he had finally reached him.” You’ve tried to make the sentence into a list, but since the last thing in that list is actually one half of a compound sentence, it doesn’t really work.
- “…[that] treated him like a joke.” In the first part of the sentence, you use “who” instead of “that”, and stylistically speaking, I think you should use that word here. I realize that Morgan is angry at the man, but he is still technically a person (the man who murdered him, I mean) and should be given the proper word to denote that.
- I liked the part about Morgan “making a new punch line”. It’s an interesting way to look at things, and your use of metaphor is very effective.
- Nice use of ellipses and italics and enjambment and whatnot.
- Okay, so this…one-shot?... was very interesting. Even in so short a piece, it had a twist that I wasn’t expecting, and for the most part, you played it off well. Erling was a strong character from the outset, and his voice was interesting and complex. Morgan bothered me a bit with his naiveté, but that was just my opinion.
- The only thing that bothered me was your lack of elaboration. I felt you could have gone really in-depth with the bond and what it meant and all that stuff that reader’s like to know about. Obviously, you would have had to present it in an interesting way, but you could’ve done it, I think.
- “It took Morgan this long to find him.” Personal preference, but I think “It [had] taken…” sounds better. Also, without any present quantity, “this long” is a little hard to understand. It’s the first sentence, but the reader has no idea how long Morgan’s been looking for him.
- “Decades of dead end trails, false clues, and now he had finally reached him.” You’ve tried to make the sentence into a list, but since the last thing in that list is actually one half of a compound sentence, it doesn’t really work.
- “…[that] treated him like a joke.” In the first part of the sentence, you use “who” instead of “that”, and stylistically speaking, I think you should use that word here. I realize that Morgan is angry at the man, but he is still technically a person (the man who murdered him, I mean) and should be given the proper word to denote that.
- I liked the part about Morgan “making a new punch line”. It’s an interesting way to look at things, and your use of metaphor is very effective.
- Nice use of ellipses and italics and enjambment and whatnot.
- Okay, so this…one-shot?... was very interesting. Even in so short a piece, it had a twist that I wasn’t expecting, and for the most part, you played it off well. Erling was a strong character from the outset, and his voice was interesting and complex. Morgan bothered me a bit with his naiveté, but that was just my opinion.
- The only thing that bothered me was your lack of elaboration. I felt you could have gone really in-depth with the bond and what it meant and all that stuff that reader’s like to know about. Obviously, you would have had to present it in an interesting way, but you could’ve done it, I think.
9/16/2009 c1 
6MantraMagazine
Hmm. I'm impressed. Though I've seen this plot before in different shapes and sizes, Armani and rags, I wasn't bored at all when reading it. On the contraire I felt quite pulled in by Morgan. I think he would be a worth while character to read about, and usually I'm not able to say that until a few chapters into any given story. You also have very nice grammar ans spelling! Good job Luuk, I liked that!
SJ White
6MantraMagazineHmm. I'm impressed. Though I've seen this plot before in different shapes and sizes, Armani and rags, I wasn't bored at all when reading it. On the contraire I felt quite pulled in by Morgan. I think he would be a worth while character to read about, and usually I'm not able to say that until a few chapters into any given story. You also have very nice grammar ans spelling! Good job Luuk, I liked that!
SJ White
9/15/2009 c1 9Sakina the Fallen Angel
Woow, I liked this a lot! I'm a sucker for intensive antagonism and boy you have captured it to a dime! There was something almost seductive about the interaction between them, and I really do hope you do more.
~ Sakina x
9Sakina the Fallen AngelWoow, I liked this a lot! I'm a sucker for intensive antagonism and boy you have captured it to a dime! There was something almost seductive about the interaction between them, and I really do hope you do more.
~ Sakina x
9/14/2009 c1 17Eponine254
This is great! I liked the eerie ending... Erling is so very sinister. You capture the sense of a history between them very well without feeling the need to describe it too explicitly. There are a few tiny errors (such as "bellow", where it should have been "below"), but nothing too serious, and certainly nothing that detracted from the story as a whole. Good work!
17Eponine254This is great! I liked the eerie ending... Erling is so very sinister. You capture the sense of a history between them very well without feeling the need to describe it too explicitly. There are a few tiny errors (such as "bellow", where it should have been "below"), but nothing too serious, and certainly nothing that detracted from the story as a whole. Good work!
9/14/2009 c1 3NocturnalNerd
Yeah, this does help with the other story. I especially like the paragraph leading up to this line: "Now he knew the man would feel that." "But hidden beneath that tone, Morgan heard the sadistic, cruel glee that coiled around his every word like a snake. Every word like poisonous venom into his very soul - if he even believed he still had one." - these especially are good. Very good metaphor.
This a very entrancing tale. Very gripping and interesting. I love Erling's calm demeanor in all this.
Only a couple of things:
1. "self confident" - should be "self-confident"
2. You should explain a bit how Morgan's life has changed due to this man Erling.
3. "boiled with range inside." - typo "rage"
4. "couldn’t you have?" - adding the "have" make the sentence awkward.
5. "is a waist of time" - typo "waste"
6. "to feel a lot sweatier" - try to avoid using "a lot" unless perhaps if someone is speaking it.
3NocturnalNerdYeah, this does help with the other story. I especially like the paragraph leading up to this line: "Now he knew the man would feel that." "But hidden beneath that tone, Morgan heard the sadistic, cruel glee that coiled around his every word like a snake. Every word like poisonous venom into his very soul - if he even believed he still had one." - these especially are good. Very good metaphor.
This a very entrancing tale. Very gripping and interesting. I love Erling's calm demeanor in all this.
Only a couple of things:
1. "self confident" - should be "self-confident"
2. You should explain a bit how Morgan's life has changed due to this man Erling.
3. "boiled with range inside." - typo "rage"
4. "couldn’t you have?" - adding the "have" make the sentence awkward.
5. "is a waist of time" - typo "waste"
6. "to feel a lot sweatier" - try to avoid using "a lot" unless perhaps if someone is speaking it.
9/14/2009 c1 TymCon
Okay i would love if this was a chapter sortave thingy and not a one shot. I wanna find out what haaoens:P i like youre description of the magician, you can really imagine him and the action in this chapter was cool, when i saw the angst i actually groaned. I really dont like angst, well heavy angst but this was good. and it was preety cool where he healed after the cigar and the magician healed after the bullet.
Okay i would love if this was a chapter sortave thingy and not a one shot. I wanna find out what haaoens:P i like youre description of the magician, you can really imagine him and the action in this chapter was cool, when i saw the angst i actually groaned. I really dont like angst, well heavy angst but this was good. and it was preety cool where he healed after the cigar and the magician healed after the bullet.
9/12/2009 c1 1Angel-Leigh Jones
Hiya
wow this is intense. I love the way you have discribed everything. You can really see his anger at the old man. Along with his hate, fear and suspense.
It's written really well.
Angel
1Angel-Leigh JonesHiya
wow this is intense. I love the way you have discribed everything. You can really see his anger at the old man. Along with his hate, fear and suspense.
It's written really well.
Angel
9/11/2009 c1 1The Five
Wow, this story certainly starts with a bang. I liked your descriptions and your use of simile, which were very effective in getting the mood right. It was also very refreshing to read a grammatically-correct chapter. There was only one error (I think) that I could pick out - “Why won’t you die!“ should be a question.
1The FiveWow, this story certainly starts with a bang. I liked your descriptions and your use of simile, which were very effective in getting the mood right. It was also very refreshing to read a grammatically-correct chapter. There was only one error (I think) that I could pick out - “Why won’t you die!“ should be a question.
9/7/2009 c1 2ClosedAccount001
"Morgan had so many things planned for revenge - but if the guy was leaving now he couldn't have that! Oh, no...tonight was going to be the night. Hearing the door open, and listening carefully for footsteps, Morgan was surprised that when he stepped out and aimed his gun that he wasn't there. He had vanished, just like that. "Shit-" Morgan froze." read that over again. Out loud if you need to. See if you notice the awkwardness of the sentence.
Good imagery and simile for the words like snake and poisonous venom.
"The same knife he stabbed him with so many years ago, Morgan bet." maybe you want to change that to betted?
"“Stating the obvious, now? I thought you held more conversation than that, my friend. Let’s talk in a more private, comfortable spot, shall we? Do come inside.”" you might want to read that out loud to yourself..Unless it is just me who finds it confusing or if something is missing.
"Expecting a remark, instead Erling said nothing; followed by Morgan hearing the door shut behind him. And lock. Typical." this part also sounds a little awkward.
Well I'm not going to quote all the awkwardly placed sentences, but you have quite a few. I think you should re-read your work over again. Out loud to yourself if you need to
2ClosedAccount001"Morgan had so many things planned for revenge - but if the guy was leaving now he couldn't have that! Oh, no...tonight was going to be the night. Hearing the door open, and listening carefully for footsteps, Morgan was surprised that when he stepped out and aimed his gun that he wasn't there. He had vanished, just like that. "Shit-" Morgan froze." read that over again. Out loud if you need to. See if you notice the awkwardness of the sentence.
Good imagery and simile for the words like snake and poisonous venom.
"The same knife he stabbed him with so many years ago, Morgan bet." maybe you want to change that to betted?
"“Stating the obvious, now? I thought you held more conversation than that, my friend. Let’s talk in a more private, comfortable spot, shall we? Do come inside.”" you might want to read that out loud to yourself..Unless it is just me who finds it confusing or if something is missing.
"Expecting a remark, instead Erling said nothing; followed by Morgan hearing the door shut behind him. And lock. Typical." this part also sounds a little awkward.
Well I'm not going to quote all the awkwardly placed sentences, but you have quite a few. I think you should re-read your work over again. Out loud to yourself if you need to