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for The Dark Side of Incandescence

9/27/2009 c1 5The Lucy Program
Incredibly disturbing and powerful. I loved it.

Your descriptions are simple yet wonderful. I could really feel the biting cold of both the winter air and the relationship between the two. Also, the buildup you presented was easy, not too fast so as to overwhelm or take away from the story, but not too slow either as to make me bored. You built it up so well that the end, though dramatic, was realistic.

Only thing I didn't understand was the "pain" part of the sex. Does she mean physically or emotionally? Maybe you could be a little more specific about that.

Very well written piece of work that I'd easily recommend. :]

Blessed Be,

TLP.
9/13/2009 c1 1Crimson Dizzy
Really powerful, disturbing piece of work. I love it.

I loved all the small things that added to the cold mood of the whole story. The way her words weren’t in quotation marks showed the pure distance in their relationship, I liked how her thoughts and words seemed to just blend together. Also the way her husband is never given a name, just referred to as "My husband" made it seem even frostier.

Your language was simple, but just detailed enough. It didn't bog the pace down with unnecessary details. The way you didn't get too graphic with the sex fit the mood very well.

I have no faults to pick with this piece. Great job.
9/13/2009 c1 Danielle Gin
This was beautifully written. It flowed naturally with good transitions for paragraph to paragraph and remained interesting with its descriptive vocabulary.

I could deffinetly feel certain emotions that the main character was feeling - like her extream desperation and her excitment with her husband. Emotions are a tough thing to relay to a reader, but I had no problem placing myself in her position. You really did handle the emotional aspect of this story very well. It wasn't too over done, even though it was dramatic.

One thing I didn't like, though was in the opening scene when she was on her knees apologizing to her husband. That was the only bit I thought was over done. The other acts I could believe, even the final one, but that pushed it a little too far for me. It seemed to degrade the main character, which was probably what you were going for, but it seemed like too much.

Besides that, I still really liked this piece. There were some great lines. My favorite being, "We writhe together in one of our scarce rites, I reveling in what might not come again and he taking what he can before he can stop himself." It completely captures this entire short story.

All in all, great work! Keep writing!

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