9/13/2009 c1 4xrawritskalix
Great story. I just want to say before I get into the review that I had the same problem about getting an error with my story. I'm glad things seem to be working again.

I liked how descriptive you were of everything. You are very good with imagery. I was never wondering what was going on because I could imagine it in my head.

One thing that might be able to be improved is the dialogue. I wouldn't say it was bad, there were just a couple spots that I would have written differently. One spot was where you said "Oh oh oh." I would have said "Oh," she said repeatedly. I think it may have looked cleaner but that's my opinions. And with the mumbling, I don't know what I'd replace it with exactly but I wouldn't put it in a sentence where it seems like the person is really saying mumble. That's all I would improve though. Great job overall. :D

~Kali