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12/31/2016 c13 Guest
An amazing story. Its just a shame you stopped prematurely. You have some of the best fight scenes I've ever read. Your characters are pretty filled out too, I like Sai, I think I have a crush hehe
12/27/2013 c13 14000kills
wow. thoroughly enjoyed every single chapter, a rare occurrence on this site. thanks for the read, pls update soon!
8/5/2012 c1 Sandwolf
i like you so far.
6/30/2010 c1 Lord Monbodo
Well Bud, you've certainly upheld your reputation of bad assery. I've never been a big wuxia fan but... we'll see.
4/18/2010 c1 Dewight Spoon
He hooked me qickly and I'm a passionate reader,with a multi tier taste,

Get to writting and show me Chapter one,not trying to push your creative juices just eager for good material.

I'll give you a 3 star up to this point and anticipate the probability of it being at least a 4 to me.

1/25/2010 c5 dreamshell
Ha! Mammary-love from Ban, getting under Tian's skin, a mysterious tail (who I have every reason to think-and in no way be disappointed by-is Ah Fei), and what an re-entrance from Po Chi! Very heartfelt conversation he and Lien had, btw.

Lovin' it.
1/24/2010 c13 Daranak
Wow. What a cold-hearted bastard Tu Shen is... I wonder if the story he told Sai is true, or whether it was partly or wholly lies meant to make her elicit her sympathy and make her vulnerable? And now, Ah Fei is in trouble, weakened from his healing of Sai, his favoured weapon not at hand... Ah, well. Such are the risks when you venture into the heart of the enemy's power.
1/23/2010 c2 14thefilmchick
Good use of color and imagery in the chapter-a lot of the characters jump out at me (and thank you for saying 'red and green' and the like, instead of 'sanguine and verdant'.) The action doesn't feel overdescribed; I'm not a combat genius, but I didn't spot any leftover people or forgotten-about actions.

Since I'm really only good at nitpicking things, quibbles below:

Per dreamshell's anime comment: I'm practically unfamiliar with anime, so may not be going about the dialogue crit the right way. Take it as the Ultimate Gaijin Dialogue Critique, if you want. ;)

'This guy' = 'This fellow.' ('Guy' always quibbles me, because it has a specific 1605 England derivation.)

'Saloon-style' jars because it's specifically historical. 'Swinging double doors,' maybe?

Like I said, I am really dumb (and too lazy to wiki): Are there bears in China besides pandas?

'(Spittle flew from IH's) maw' felt like a reach. 'Mouth' instead.

'Okay, okay.' = 'All right, all right,' or 'Fine, fine.' (I live near-ish to Martin Van Buren's Old Kinderhook, where the supposed etymology comes from, so it's another word that I pick up on.)

'The man sat alone' looked like it came after a section break (extra return). Easy fix.

'Gossipin's' looked like a typo, even though I know it isn't. Would 'Gossipin' is a woman's job?' work OK (!), even if it feels a bit more formal?

Lam Brothers/Lame Brothers pun-I saw someone else commented on how it works in English, but not in your quasi-Chinese world. If I had more of a sense that this was fantasy/another world, it wouldn't quibble, but coming as early as it does, it drew my attention too.

'Breathtaking how of agility' = 'breathtaking show.'

'Completely awesome' and 'awesome' below felt too modern in the way you used it. 'Completely thrilling,' maybe?

'C'mon' would be fine as 'come on.'

Hope it helped, again!
1/21/2010 c4 dreamshell
Probably won't be as detailed in my review as last time, but enjoying the story all the more as I go. Fun to see some other sides to Tian when Lien told him her story and the had their banter before going to sleep.

The scene at the Magistrate's office was fun. The new character seem interesting; I am especially interested in Tu Shen and Koh. Devil Yuan was intriguing in that he showed a little common sense, a rarity among campy villains.

And I think the names work fine. The general absurdity is half the fun of the story. Also, in regards to dialogue, seems perfect to me. I'm kind of seeing this story like the text version of some American-dubbed anime or something, so it fits.
1/21/2010 c13 JCHL
Wow, Tu Shen is a maniac. O: I didn't expect him to be such a religious person, but I suppose it adds to his.. ruthless personality? You know, "I am killing in the name of God!" kind of reasoning.

(I so want some of that poison nail polish he has. ): )
1/20/2010 c3 dreamshell
Ahh, this is fitting all the genre motifs—And I mean that in the best way possible. The beats and the dialogue, all great and all perfectly pulp.

The scene with Po Chi and Co. was great and I was actually getting attached to the characters just as things went all to hell. I should’ve known better. =P

All the Devil Gang lieutenants have their own fun idiosyncrasies, too. Very iconic. For a moment there, I wondered about Sword Tosser conceding to Wolf-Man’s sense of honor and then Rin fixed it all up for him. How very nice of her. XD

"Tsh… baby, I just go wherever my feet take me." Tian. Classic.

“Ah Tian found himself surrounded by greenery, sunlight filtering through the canopy in scattered patches.” Random, pointless fact: I always enjoy this sort of little detail in regards to forests.

The fight between Tian and Lien was cute. Good Slap Slap… and perhaps I’ll see some Kiss later? Hafta read more to find out, I know.

Going quite well. Keeping me entertained and interested, exactly as it should.
1/20/2010 c1 thefilmchick
Voluminous notes after play rehearsal (because I am as wordy as Wordsworth):

General Comments:

Generally well-written and well-plotted. It doesn't feel like it's as long as it actually is (with the caveat of one suggestion below), and it seemed to be free of major SPAG (SPelling And Grammar errors.) I don't have a quibble with any of the characterizations, and I like that you twisted things around with the son avenging the father, and the Crimson King not immediately killing the two kids or something (which I was expecting.)



I found myself wondering why you wasted time introducing the three Heavenly Kings that didn't matter to the prologue, before the one who did. It felt a bit stop and start until you got into the narrative per se; I'd grab with action right off the bat.

I am pretty ignorant when it comes to Asian naming conventions, but having Ah Tian, Ah Fei, Ah Sou and Ah Wai-Yin have names that are identical at the start seems to me as jarring as having Brittany, Bobby, Billy, and Benny in a scene together, even though I understand that surnames come first in Asian cultures. I found it hard, even with the dash, to separate the two characters mentally. That may be a bit of a sticking point for your random reader, particularly if the two brothers are going to be hanging out together a lot in the narrative (which the prologue suggests they will). Could you call them 'Fei' and 'Tian' instead? There may be no elegant workaround for this.

I've noticed others comment on the modern dialogue in the text, so I'll leave it alone other than to suggest a couple of easy fixes: 'Mom' = 'Mother,' 'Uh' = 'Ah.' 'Had gotten lucky' = 'Had been lucky.' 'Everything all right?' = 'Is everything well?' 'I'm fine. Sorry, what were you saying?' = 'I'm fine. I'm sorry. What were you saying?' 'It's up to you' = 'It's your decision.' - You don't want them talking very stiltedly like John Wayne in 'The Conqueror,' but you don't want them sounding like 'Dude, Where's My Car?' either. I think you've mostly avoided that, but due to the time period being in not-so-recent quasi-history and the cultural unfamiliarity Joe Schmoe will have, I think it's also a lot tougher task and easier to stumble.

It feels like a lengthy setup to whack Dad; could you off him a little quicker? I think you wouldn't lose any punch if you did, and wouldn't risk your reader tiring of the preparation.


Brief grammar notes, though I know you know them:

Words like 'despite' and 'although' tend to take a comma before them; it's not grammatically incorrect per se to avoid, but it makes for easier reading and less feeling of length to the sentences. Watch out for that! :)

Ellipses only occur when there's a break in speech: 'Please, teach me to be strong.' doesn't FEEL like it has a break at the end; I would delete that.

Hope (some of) this helped! I will be back, should you want. Probably a chapter every couple of days, with the caveat that the play is next week and the week after.
1/20/2010 c2 dreamshell
Ahh, I'm glad I'm getting back to this. Classic setting, fun descriptions, and an awesome fight scene. And that's Ah Tian, the little brother? Makes me wonder about Ah Fei... and why Tian is the one who has Purgatory...

Anyway, definitely gonna read more.
1/12/2010 c1 9Iluv2eat
I think the genre that you written in is fairly unique(on fictionpress, not in the world), and you did it well. However, using modern dialogue makes the story a little anachronistic. Also, there is something wrong with the puns, since the names are intended to be in a different language. I think that your description of the fights could be a little less technical, and it would pop out more if you used more imagery. I liked your characterization, though, and I think that you did a really good job in getting the personality of the characters through.
1/10/2010 c12 pinoy1
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