Just In
Community
Forum
V
More
for Absolute Mayhem

7/28/2010 c3 2poeticlump
Yay =D. I adore them already. It sounds like this'll be interesting, too. You made them devious without making it cheesy, which is awesome =). Lol. And Liam is absolutely adorable. My favorite character by far has to be Riley though. She's just amazing.

Hope you update somewhat soon =D though I know you're a writers-block-haver like me, and you might take a while. So it's on my alerts to make sure I keep up when you do.

The whole story is fantastic so far!
7/28/2010 c2 poeticlump
That was just awesome. Did I mention I love Riley? She's hilarious. And now my curiosity about these cousins is just bursting, so I'm making this review short and sweet so I can read more. Lol.

Awesome chapter! =)
7/28/2010 c1 poeticlump
Oh my God you're just like me! Haha. I start new stories when I get blocked and end up deleting a lot of them too! =D Sorry, momentary excitement.

I absolutely love Riley. She's hilarious, and really nicely developed for only the first chapter. I'm pretty anxious to figure out what the deal is with these cousins of hers, though.

And there's not much I can give you advice for. You had great detail, the conversations were funny, and the plot was set up wonderfully.

And if you ever need a beta, I could help you out. I love editing and such, and trust me, I'd tell you the truth. Because I'm a pretty big grammar freak. Haha.

But yeah. Can't wait to read more =) . . . in five seconds.
6/5/2010 c3 l'heautontimoroumenos
What I liked : everything

What I didn't like : the fact that there's only 3 chapters :)

Please, please update. Actually, it's not like you actually have a choice, really. Because if you don't update soon, this french girl will hunt you down and force you to write :)

We, french people, can be scary
4/29/2010 c3 Jamie45
you do not know how disappointed i was that there are no more chapters, you need to review i really want to see how the annoying cousins become overprotective. will you do more about the creepy guy/ perve / stalker next door ?

review

please

:@
2/15/2010 c2 22Mi.Ishi
Okay, for this chapter, you are WAY over using run-on sentences. You've fallen victim to it in the first two paragraphs. So...watch out for those.

Um...I'm beginning to notice that with the show-tell thing that it's really strong in your dialogue. Your character interactions could definitely be a lot more natural. As for how to fix your dialogue; just read it aloud. Can you imagine yourself having a conversation exactly like they are? Are you sure you're using your punctuation and adjectives correctly to best represent their intonation? Just think about those, try to flesh out your characters a bit more in that respect, and you'll be that much stronger!

That is all! Good luck with the rest of it!

-Shay
2/15/2010 c1 Mi.Ishi
Hey!

Here to return your review.

So, this is really cute. A neat little beginning, gives some good insight to the characters. You can definitely see the teenage resentment that Riley has for her parents (already not liking her mum much) and her misunderstanding the whole child-growing-up thing her kid brother is doing. It has an interesting little twist, that her cousins are going to be the overbearing family, rather than a brother.

My only comment about this is to make it a stronger read, something to draw in the reader better, is to "show" and not "tell". You're trying to create a world for us, so it's not always good to just throw thing after thing at the reader, without giving some basis for why you're telling us. Like, to be honest, I don't know exactly how important it is to have such a big scene dedicated to her vampiric brother; you can use that situation to give background into other parts of her life, rather than the back-and-forth bickering she gets into with her family. Make us believe in what Riley is saying, don't just expect the reader to take everything at face value. It's a tough thing to learn how to do, but it'll really help with your stuff later on.

If you have any questions, do let me know!

Cheers,

-Shay (from RH 1/2 repaid!)
2/14/2010 c3 Palm Tree
First, I'm sorry that it took me so long to return this review, and I hope you can forgive me. That said, I'd best move right along to the review itself. XD;

You opened this chapter well with Riley's sleeping in, and her mother's screeching. That was also a nice lead-in to the reveal that this was the day her cousins would be arriving, and only this far in, I've fallen in love with Riley's voice all over again.

("I threw on my clothes on and...") There's an extra "on" in there.

Aww... I thought it was sweet of Riley to get her brother the cookies considering that "no sugar" diet. Poor kid, indeed.

("... I walked out the kitchen silently and to entry-way...") I think there's a missing "the" to the end.

("... but his entire face still has that mischievous look.") The tense changed from past to present with the word "has".

Cute use of the "w" in Liam's speech. X3 And hilarious how he "betrayed" her with his comment.

I'm curious about what's up with Aunt Nora, or if she's just naturally so shy and unwilling to socialize. At the same time, I'm not sure whether the story will take the route of "they got older and so they got better" or "they're still horrible, they just got good at hiding it" regarding Ethan and Bryan.

Actually, I quite like the two cousins. They're awfully entertaining and the tension between them and Riley is definitely interesting. At this point, I guess I'm left wondering about what sort of game they're going to play and just how Riley will fair. Another awesome chapter, and I do hope you update soon! ^^
2/13/2010 c1 Stanleylouis
I loved this! :D Ah, just what I needed while reading constant drama...

I love the name Poof. It's hilarious.

And also, I totally understand little children getting away with things. Although I don't have a little sibling of my own, my friends do, and it seems perfectly fine for them to hit me in the stomach and get away with it. XD

My dad does the same thing with the air conditioning! He refuses to use it until it's at least August. Except that he's talking about saving money instead of the environment. XD

By the way, I was so happy to see that your story didn't have obvious mistakes sprinkled through it, like some stories I've read on here...

Aw, shoot. Sorry, I'm usually not this grumpy, I'm just behind on returning reviews and most of them end up being to really long stories, which is making me bored. Which makes me happy that I'm reading this one, which is long, but also very good and interesting! And nice to read. Good for the eyes.

...Alright, I should go back to the review now.

Ooh, I wonder what the cousins BryanandEthan will be like! :D

And what's also really great about this is that even though Riley has a large problem on her plate, you don't harp on it.

So. I loved reading this! I will quickly be going onto the next chapter!
2/11/2010 c3 6The Saturday Storytellers
Aha, so back to the comedic drama queen Riley and the first thing we see is her in a dispute! Here's a good example of the balancing-out you need, although I think you know that already from your PMs to me. Riley's wound up her mum by not getting out of bed. I think most of us have been there! (on the daughter's side, that is).

Ooh, and now we find out why she was keen to stay in bed, although that doesn't seem much of a solution to the problem. Bryan and Ethan. Your timing has been good and I'm dying to see them for myself. I've heard enough about them, been teased enough about them, to want to know what these two boys are like without having my patience stretched too far. This'll be a good time to see them in action at last, in absolute terms of their actions and words rather than via Riley's (inevitably biased) experience.

The mention of Riley's dad getting excited about having other men to associate with in the house sounds a little bit suspect to me, especially as he's getting beer in. Again, perhaps this is an alternative facet to your comedy but I'm surprised he's happy to have two lads he knows abused his daughter in the house. I'm even more surprised that he's getting alcohol in for them, which is known for its inhibition-reducing qualities. It might be nothing in terms of this story, but to me it reads like an ominous bit of foreshadowing.

And the mother is happy to have these boys around her son Liam? I think if I were in her position I'd be thinking about how to keep Liam and the boys apart, in case the abuse happened again. But like the dad-looking-forward-to-their-arrival thing, it makes a part of me wonder whether Riley made up the abuse stuff. But we'll see.

"...from the piles of clothes amongst my floor ..." I think you need to change the word 'amongst' to 'on'.

I really hope Liam's capable of defending himself. Well, I guess he managed to give his sister the runaround in chapter 1, I just hope he's okay with Bryan and Ethan.

I can see that Riley's in a foul mood in this chapter and therefore, there's even more melodrama in her thoughts than normal. I think there's a good amount of her defensiveness in the story, but it needs to be balanced out by some other influence, something to show a lack of melodramatics. Without something to put her manner into perspective (such as, in my case, you mentioning that she's a drama student in a PM), several of her comments might be construed as facts: facts surrounding her parents being neglectful of her. Some of the actions in the story (again, in particular this chapter) confound that but at the moment it's not enough.

Perhaps that's what you need: to show her in a drama class once in a while?

I don't like Uncle Pete. That doesn't mean I don't think he should be in the story, in fact he'll be an amazing antagonist for Riley (and perhaps in general), but he gets under my fingernails like cow dung. Eesh!

I can't help but wonder whether Aunt Nora's a bit of a Chekov's Gun, though. Will she remain quiet and mousey the whole time or does she hold any secrets? She's a real intrigue at the moment.

"“Don’t pretend you don’t know!” I pointed a finger at him accusingly, “I know there was probably poison in those cookies you gave him you evil, sadistic devil child!”" I cringed at this. Perhaps Riley is trying to divert the conversation from the boys' treatment of her years ago but this is making her look a bit nutty. Perhaps she could even go so far as to be nuttily-intimidating enough to keep Bryan and Ethan at arm's length, but she doesn't know them any more and might misjudge them. But it would be worth a go, perhaps.

"...I should have known Bryan and Ethan would have no qualms bringing it up. I crossed my arms indignantly, masking my embarrassment and trying to let them think that their words had no effect on me." Hmm. Okay, so far I've only really seen weakness from Riley but this is somewhere I would really have liked to have seen - and still think I should see - a show of genuine strength, real resilience, from her. She's into acting. I feel that she should be able to hide her embarrassment, cover it with a front somehow. The knowledge that she was using her acting skills to overcome these two would make whatever follows in this story potentially very interesting... although you have your own plan, of course.

""That and he also taught me not to take crap from little boys like you.”" Ooh. Not the strongest shot, but I like this from Riley! I want to see more!

"I almost took an involuntary step back, but I stopped myself before I could, standing right where I was and fixing my eyes on him coldly." O... kay, just starting to see the beginnings of that strength from Riley. I'm rooting for her in this just as much as I am curious to know how bad the boys are going to be. There's a lot going on here and I'm fascinated!

“First of all, my name is Riley,” I spat and took another step forward, pleased to see that he backed up this time," Mon Dieu, it's working! She's beginning to manage it!

"“You’ve got one thing right, you’re not as pathetic as you used to be, but that doesn’t mean you’re not afraid of us anymore..." Hmm, this bit of dialogue doesn't feel right to me. Bryan seems to have too much insight here. I don't feel that's how a lad of his age (although I'm not sure quite what his age is) would have weighed Riley up quite like that. He might be thinking it, but saying it is another matter. If he actually did say it and it was in-character then he'd have to be a consciously evil type. I get the impression so far that B and E are thugs, perhaps even slightly clever thugs, but not evil masterminds.

He'll give her a few months? A 'few' always sounds to me like 5 or 6, which is a long time to live with this kind of tension. 5 or 6 weeks at tops, I'd give her.

Yes, there is a lot of friction here, just waiting to grind away on both sides. Good luck carrying on writing this, there's so much potential here!

- pay back via Academy.

From the Roadhouse.
2/9/2010 c3 8Kobra Kid
Okay, I absoluetely LOVE Bryan! He's so kick a$$ and mischievious, and i like those kind of guys. Haha, anyways I didn't spot anything IMENSELY wrong. The only thing I did see was this: [Yet,” I stated flatly, “I know you two. You’ve got to be plotting something.”] I think "yet" is supposed to be "yes" but I don't know, just pointing that out. Great job though! Can't wait for an update!

~Broken Cross

P.S. Please return my review! Thanks so much! :D
2/8/2010 c1 2fudgyvmp
Well I thought this was pretty funny, I had a smile on the whole time I read it. Some parts of this I can really connect with. My cousin is a bit like the little brother, only she thinks she' a wolf, not a werewolf or anything mythic just a wolf. She smells people howls at the moon and bites. She’s the only child I know to have ever been kicked out of pre-school and her parents just don't deal with her. She gets everything under the sun to. My grandmother tried to get her gifts for Christmas and she just threw them away saying they were no fun. Now I almost never see my grandmother exasperated but i did that day hearing her mumble, "It’s hard to buy something fun for someone with everything under the sun" or something like that.

I'm interested in learning what the cousins did to Riley. I know if I had let my cousins really be my friends, I’d probably be on so many drugs now I’d have more than Mexico.

I'm guessing the mom is mildly bi-polar or something like that. They’re not the nicest people to be around form what I gather.

I'm glad to say you get the gold star for grammar, I only saw maybe two mistakes, but they weren't mistakes so much as choices in writing so I'm not going to point those out.

the only thing that I feel this is missing is description of the environment, but its first person, it not like the narrator is going to think I live in a two story house on a lake nestled in the mountains of Vermont. My bedroom looks like such-an-such. I mean I never think like that, but the lack of environmental description does seem to push me out a bit, so I can't really get a feel for what these people look like.
2/8/2010 c3 13Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu
Herro there. Me again. :) Okay, basically I guess this chapter actually pushed the plot further. I truly wonder what will happen next given the whole daring deal Bryan brought up. But I thought you've mentioned a protective cousin in the summary? If so, then I truly wonder who that cousin will be. For some weird reason, I think it's Bryan. And it really seems that Ethan is the more immature of the two. That might explain why Bryan is always in the control seat.

And Liam started to come across me as a retard rather than a traitor. No offense meant to mentally challenged people here. For starters I'm no Glenn Beck. Back onto the topic, I just don't know why, but I really feel it this way when he said Riley gave him the cookie. It's like some kind of moment that warranted a stfu reaction.

Humour wise, I didn't see anything that impress me. But then again, that's because I'm only game for over the top humour. On a flip side though, you could have create some kind of hysterical lols in this chapter since I can envision Riley's mother and to a lesser extent Riley herself going OMG WTF kind of lols here. If you intend this story's humour to be somewhat of a slapstick, then what I've said just now on the humour might help quite a bit. :)

P.S: Pay back this review via A Ranger's Tale. :)

- From The Roadhouse. :)
2/2/2010 c2 6The Saturday Storytellers
Now that I know from a PM you sent that Riley is a bit of a drama queen, the beginning of this chapter seems just fine! I wonder though whether someone who didn't know about Riley's personal worldview would find it a bit self-obsessed, though. Somehow you need to draw attention to the fact that this is just Riley. I reckon using someone else's POV in the story would do that perfectly. Someone who's far less self-obsessed. Not that I mean that as an insult to Riley, she's just... well, she is, just a bit!

This chapter has a light, fun flavour with a hint of comedy and makes light reading.

The fact that Mai, who Riley clearly likes and trusts, takes Riley's behaviour outside the shop in her stride shows that Riley is actually just a drama-lover, but I think our introduction of the rocksteady Mai should be a reinforcement of this fact. For me it's a bit of a late introduction. That said, if you had this published as a book I probably wouldn't be saying that: people on the internet are notoriously impatient so maybe it's just the fact that I'm reading this online that makes it look a bit too late to me.

Hmm, interesting counterpoint of the lighthearted nature of most of this story and the genuine sadism of the two cousins. I think there's something optimistic about that - that Riley does at least, on the surface, manage to stay sane and not be traumatized by what happened. It makes her worry at their arrival more understandable. But since the fear *is* understandable, would it be better to clarify that more in the previous chapter so we know (or at least suspect) there's a difference between Riley's whimsical dramatics and her fear of her cousins? Otherwise the two could get confusing. Or maybe you want the reader to doubt Rilery for a while. Either way it could work.

Mai just seemed very level-headed at first. Then, as the chapter goes on she seems more like an overly-cynical, even passively sadistic type. Not sure whether that's what you aimed to achieve, but that's how she's coming across. From here, depending on what she's like further in in the story I could either like her very much or dislike her very much.

I think that Mai is an interesting enough character - in control and cynical - to warrant this being a readable chapter regardless of your worry that nothing much happens. You clarify what the cousins are like too, so that keeps it interesting. And I'd be interested to know why Riley sees it as important to keep Mai in the dark about Dakota.

- Pay back via Academy.

- From the Roadhouse.
1/30/2010 c2 6Classy Broad
Um, I dunno but I got the impression that Riley is quite rude in this chapter. A little obnoxious too maybe? I like Mai though :P

Code Red! Oh totally caught me off guard! XD Laughed a lot at that one... Although I didn't get the joke about code green for some reason :|

The part where Riley tells Mai about the incidents with her cousins earned her some sympathy... The fencing incident is also quite interesting but not enough to make me laugh quite yet... Other than that it was pretty good ;)
51 Page 1 2 3 .. Last Next »

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service