for Children of Winata7/28/2010 c2 
19S. M. Saves
"he saw [a] blue magpie hopping on the doorstep.": Only error I found and it's minor.
I'm not sure what happened here since Thompson was kind of vague but I'm sure it's all a part of the element of mystery introduced. And that's good. It'll keep your readers reading.
Moving right along.
19S. M. Saves"he saw [a] blue magpie hopping on the doorstep.": Only error I found and it's minor.
I'm not sure what happened here since Thompson was kind of vague but I'm sure it's all a part of the element of mystery introduced. And that's good. It'll keep your readers reading.
Moving right along.
7/28/2010 c11 this wild abyss
Chapter 12:
- “It didn't take much time for the three [spirited lads] to find their way there.” I know it wasn’t supposed to, but this line made me giggle. Compared to what you’ve written previous, this doesn’t fit with the atmosphere. You’re talking about teenage boys here, not a whimsical remembrance of a tea party.
- “The man's face was withdrawn and weather beaten, like he'd travelled a long way and his feral eyes narrowed as he stared at them.” This is a run-on sentence.
- Awkward shift in perspective. I always say that it should be one POV per chapter, and when you switch, start a new one.
- “She was no longer a [protect] child of royalty.”
- “[Thee] was anger…”
- Interesting developments. Sheruna doesn’t really seem to be a major part of the plot, to be honest, so I don’t understand why you keep coming back to her. The only purpose she seems to serve is that she gives a fresh perspective on other major characters.
- Jack and Will are always good to read, though. I’m glad you mentioned the tattoos.
Chapter 13:
- “…Jack had paced up and down the.” Missing a word at the end, here.
- Okay, I’m really not fond of the way you break off a chapter right before the important part of the scene happens, and then spend the next part of the chapter recapping. It’s confusing, anticlimactic, and somewhat annoying. You could make a much bigger impact on your readers if you showed the event in real time.
- I’ve said this before, but the way you write dialogue is very good. Through it, I can visibly read each character’s personality and what they’re like, just by what they say. Nicely done.
Chapter 12:
- “It didn't take much time for the three [spirited lads] to find their way there.” I know it wasn’t supposed to, but this line made me giggle. Compared to what you’ve written previous, this doesn’t fit with the atmosphere. You’re talking about teenage boys here, not a whimsical remembrance of a tea party.
- “The man's face was withdrawn and weather beaten, like he'd travelled a long way and his feral eyes narrowed as he stared at them.” This is a run-on sentence.
- Awkward shift in perspective. I always say that it should be one POV per chapter, and when you switch, start a new one.
- “She was no longer a [protect] child of royalty.”
- “[Thee] was anger…”
- Interesting developments. Sheruna doesn’t really seem to be a major part of the plot, to be honest, so I don’t understand why you keep coming back to her. The only purpose she seems to serve is that she gives a fresh perspective on other major characters.
- Jack and Will are always good to read, though. I’m glad you mentioned the tattoos.
Chapter 13:
- “…Jack had paced up and down the.” Missing a word at the end, here.
- Okay, I’m really not fond of the way you break off a chapter right before the important part of the scene happens, and then spend the next part of the chapter recapping. It’s confusing, anticlimactic, and somewhat annoying. You could make a much bigger impact on your readers if you showed the event in real time.
- I’ve said this before, but the way you write dialogue is very good. Through it, I can visibly read each character’s personality and what they’re like, just by what they say. Nicely done.
7/27/2010 c6 99Dreamers-Requiem
Firstly, the last line of that chapter - it was so sinister! Really sent shivers up my spine. Maximilian has gone from being human to just being creepy, nice work with that.
And so there's more to Thomson than meets the eye. That's interesting, although during the short exchange between the two men, it was a little bit confusing as to who said "I cannot die." I guessed that it was Thomson, but I think you could have made that a little clearer?
Anyways, other than that a great chapter as always and very intriguing.
99Dreamers-RequiemFirstly, the last line of that chapter - it was so sinister! Really sent shivers up my spine. Maximilian has gone from being human to just being creepy, nice work with that.
And so there's more to Thomson than meets the eye. That's interesting, although during the short exchange between the two men, it was a little bit confusing as to who said "I cannot die." I guessed that it was Thomson, but I think you could have made that a little clearer?
Anyways, other than that a great chapter as always and very intriguing.
7/26/2010 c4 4InkedSoul
Wow, it's interesting how from the beginning of the story and only four chapter into it a series of different things have happened. Yet none of them relate to the first chapter...I'm STILL waiting to see what happened to Zeen D: They all connect to each other eventually though which is expertly done to draw out suspense.
First of all I'd like to say that I love your sense of description. You describe everything with such intensity that it's impossible to miss or be confused with what's going on. Your description of each character from the point of view from another is astonishing. For example the way Will described what he saw as a first impression when he stared at Thompson:
"Under the mask of control, he had a kind face, and Will thought he caught a glimpse of steel determination, of a cold fury in the man's green eyes."
4InkedSoulWow, it's interesting how from the beginning of the story and only four chapter into it a series of different things have happened. Yet none of them relate to the first chapter...I'm STILL waiting to see what happened to Zeen D: They all connect to each other eventually though which is expertly done to draw out suspense.
First of all I'd like to say that I love your sense of description. You describe everything with such intensity that it's impossible to miss or be confused with what's going on. Your description of each character from the point of view from another is astonishing. For example the way Will described what he saw as a first impression when he stared at Thompson:
"Under the mask of control, he had a kind face, and Will thought he caught a glimpse of steel determination, of a cold fury in the man's green eyes."
7/26/2010 c1 19S. M. Saves
You want me to critique this? Ut-oh. I don't know if I can find anything to pick on. ;)
I like how you set the reader up into Zeen's mindset. Since Zeen didn't pay much attention to the man in black neither did I. And when his jaw dropped I thought it was because he was struck by seeing Sheruna's beauty in person. Which made the moment when the man started firing shots even more exciting because it was completely unexpected. And with that Zeen goes from beggar boy to hero.
I like the magpie sound effects. Kyak-kyak! It brings a sound element into the piece.
The concept of the Peacekeepers is very interesting. It's different thinking about the beggars and the homeless as law enforcers or rather peace enforcers.
The beginning, overall, is very strong and it forms a solid start to slide into the rest of the story. There really isn't anything I feel should be improved on and since I didn't read the first version I can't form a comparison. Sorry! I hope you're okay with a pat on the back and no critiques. :)
You've been repaid.
19S. M. SavesYou want me to critique this? Ut-oh. I don't know if I can find anything to pick on. ;)
I like how you set the reader up into Zeen's mindset. Since Zeen didn't pay much attention to the man in black neither did I. And when his jaw dropped I thought it was because he was struck by seeing Sheruna's beauty in person. Which made the moment when the man started firing shots even more exciting because it was completely unexpected. And with that Zeen goes from beggar boy to hero.
I like the magpie sound effects. Kyak-kyak! It brings a sound element into the piece.
The concept of the Peacekeepers is very interesting. It's different thinking about the beggars and the homeless as law enforcers or rather peace enforcers.
The beginning, overall, is very strong and it forms a solid start to slide into the rest of the story. There really isn't anything I feel should be improved on and since I didn't read the first version I can't form a comparison. Sorry! I hope you're okay with a pat on the back and no critiques. :)
You've been repaid.
7/24/2010 c19 1esthaelum
Lillian is... annoying. She's just so grumpy and aggresive. I feel like shoving a chill pill down her throat. Geez. I wonder what made her turn that way. I feel a bit sorry for Jack because he does seem very devoted to her, but she treats him like... shit. But hey, at least when Jack touched her face, she has slight hints of emotion... Hehe, the Black Dove! I like him! At first, I thought he was evil, but he's actually not bad. He's a bit carefree, which I didn't expect from him.
Most of Lillian's sentences have swear words in them xD. She's very... angry.
Yay! Zared meets the others! This should be interesting~ I feel sorry for Zared... He seems so bitter now. Then again, he has been through a lot :(
I don't like Lillian...
1esthaelumLillian is... annoying. She's just so grumpy and aggresive. I feel like shoving a chill pill down her throat. Geez. I wonder what made her turn that way. I feel a bit sorry for Jack because he does seem very devoted to her, but she treats him like... shit. But hey, at least when Jack touched her face, she has slight hints of emotion... Hehe, the Black Dove! I like him! At first, I thought he was evil, but he's actually not bad. He's a bit carefree, which I didn't expect from him.
Most of Lillian's sentences have swear words in them xD. She's very... angry.
Yay! Zared meets the others! This should be interesting~ I feel sorry for Zared... He seems so bitter now. Then again, he has been through a lot :(
I don't like Lillian...
7/23/2010 c5 99Dreamers-Requiem
I have to admit, you have really strong characterisation throughout this - I like how Will kind of adopted his dad's name, it was a really nice gesture. And the way he's turned against them because of his death, the way you showed, it was done really well. Poor Jack though, not knowing if his parents are alive or not.
You show the unquestioning nature of the soldiers really well; it's effective, and works, especially in contrast to the more human Maximilian we see when he's on his own. Nice work.
99Dreamers-RequiemI have to admit, you have really strong characterisation throughout this - I like how Will kind of adopted his dad's name, it was a really nice gesture. And the way he's turned against them because of his death, the way you showed, it was done really well. Poor Jack though, not knowing if his parents are alive or not.
You show the unquestioning nature of the soldiers really well; it's effective, and works, especially in contrast to the more human Maximilian we see when he's on his own. Nice work.
7/23/2010 c10 this wild abyss
Chapter 10:
Oh my, I'd forgotten about these two character. You kinda let them slip away from the reader's interest, didn't you? Hmm...I would suggest that you go back and mention them once or twice, because it was somewhat jarring to hear from them like this. Anyway, I was glad that you brought them back, however, for the two of them are certainly interesting and different than the other two boys you've got in the village.
Chapter 11:
Okay, the whole premise of the letter thing really confused me... I must have missed the delivery of the first letter? I gather that it occurred before Max took his parents? Or was it later? Ughh, I'm so confused. So anyway, I think you might want to clear that up, just so that stupid readers like me won't go crazy.
Um, other than that this chapter was great, if a little short and non-descriptive. I really like Jack. He's a cool guy, at least in my opinion. Are you sure he doesn't end up falling in love with Will? Because I could see that happening.
Chapter 10:
Oh my, I'd forgotten about these two character. You kinda let them slip away from the reader's interest, didn't you? Hmm...I would suggest that you go back and mention them once or twice, because it was somewhat jarring to hear from them like this. Anyway, I was glad that you brought them back, however, for the two of them are certainly interesting and different than the other two boys you've got in the village.
Chapter 11:
Okay, the whole premise of the letter thing really confused me... I must have missed the delivery of the first letter? I gather that it occurred before Max took his parents? Or was it later? Ughh, I'm so confused. So anyway, I think you might want to clear that up, just so that stupid readers like me won't go crazy.
Um, other than that this chapter was great, if a little short and non-descriptive. I really like Jack. He's a cool guy, at least in my opinion. Are you sure he doesn't end up falling in love with Will? Because I could see that happening.
7/23/2010 c9 this wild abyss
Humph...this chapter is somewhat short, though I would say a lot happened. I really think that you could add a lot more description/character interaction or a mixture of the two. It would really flesh out the storyline. Anyway, this was another very nice chapter, as always. Things, while not as intense as they were previously, are progressing quite nicely.
Humph...this chapter is somewhat short, though I would say a lot happened. I really think that you could add a lot more description/character interaction or a mixture of the two. It would really flesh out the storyline. Anyway, this was another very nice chapter, as always. Things, while not as intense as they were previously, are progressing quite nicely.
7/23/2010 c18 1esthaelum
I'm really liking Pan. I love how Will treats her. it's so sweet. It's like he's taking care of her and protecting her :D. I loved it when he kept saying sorry to her as well :')
Wow. The resistance is very hidden... I love the idea of the boulders hiding it but one of them is the real entrance. I thought that was really clever.
...Is Marco pretending to be happy to see Will..? I think I remember that in the earlier chapters, he planned on betraying Will..? Hehe. I can see that Lillian is playing hard to ger with Jack. I wonder how Jack will win her heart... Hm...
Is it me or is Marco trying to get Jack and Pan together..? He keeps talking about them... Wow. Lillian scares me. She's so... aggresive and bitter. Hehe. Jack is bullying poor Pan... I loved it when he kept bugging her about Will and how Will loved her. My, what an awkward moment that was...
Jack is sweet. I like him and Pan... Darn it, why must he like Lillian...
1esthaelumI'm really liking Pan. I love how Will treats her. it's so sweet. It's like he's taking care of her and protecting her :D. I loved it when he kept saying sorry to her as well :')
Wow. The resistance is very hidden... I love the idea of the boulders hiding it but one of them is the real entrance. I thought that was really clever.
...Is Marco pretending to be happy to see Will..? I think I remember that in the earlier chapters, he planned on betraying Will..? Hehe. I can see that Lillian is playing hard to ger with Jack. I wonder how Jack will win her heart... Hm...
Is it me or is Marco trying to get Jack and Pan together..? He keeps talking about them... Wow. Lillian scares me. She's so... aggresive and bitter. Hehe. Jack is bullying poor Pan... I loved it when he kept bugging her about Will and how Will loved her. My, what an awkward moment that was...
Jack is sweet. I like him and Pan... Darn it, why must he like Lillian...
7/21/2010 c4 99Dreamers-Requiem
Really nice chapter! I like how you introduced us to Will, made us really sort of feel for him, and like him, before the ending. The idea of the numbers instead of names was conveyed really well, and "Number One" was, from the moment he was mentioned, a very scary character.
The switch between Will and Jack was done really well; I started to worry at the end if Jack was the boy in the cottage; I hope not.
The last sentence was amazing; powerful and strong, and once more, the use of the birds is done really well.
Sorry I don't have any crit for this :P It's too good right now.
99Dreamers-RequiemReally nice chapter! I like how you introduced us to Will, made us really sort of feel for him, and like him, before the ending. The idea of the numbers instead of names was conveyed really well, and "Number One" was, from the moment he was mentioned, a very scary character.
The switch between Will and Jack was done really well; I started to worry at the end if Jack was the boy in the cottage; I hope not.
The last sentence was amazing; powerful and strong, and once more, the use of the birds is done really well.
Sorry I don't have any crit for this :P It's too good right now.
7/21/2010 c43 5LilyWolfe
woo, finally up to date!
"It seemed to wane… but then it strengthened and stayed." - foreboding perhaps?
i do like this chapter...it just seems rushed. I can picture it though, small snippets of action. the readers pans from one side to the other - that is wicked. but setting, details, are needed. it is good, what you've done, as it highlights the sense of panic but it ends up beign a little confusing.
"They'd caught the man responsible, and given him a merciful death, but the words at his deathbed had frightened them.
"Children of Winata don't die," he'd said, and he'd just been a boy." -dear God. please don't let it be zeen. I know it is said he is to be base master but he vowed to fight...what other boy would be responsible for an attack? *cries* not zeen!
but generally that part lacked setting. previous lines have said that the peacekeepers would set fire to the barracks so i assume it is there...is it just men? do they not run or do they all await a command. why look to gleo? (are there no horses in barracks?)just tidbits of info like that...you know?
Love Claire and her handling of the situation. I think though (rather critically) you have weakened maximillian. He cannot be that fragile or nice. he is the number one of cinah - sure he has a good side - no one is inherently good or evil (which i think you are trying to show in the story) but he is hearltess. he has murdered other...he has stolen the proncess's heart, and mind after stealing her of everything else she had. How can claire feel anything but loathing for him, no matter how kind he has been on occaision?
gah! oh the questions!
no i have to wait for the next chapter...oh...
new story? exciting stuff! what's it going to be about?
Lily
5LilyWolfewoo, finally up to date!
"It seemed to wane… but then it strengthened and stayed." - foreboding perhaps?
i do like this chapter...it just seems rushed. I can picture it though, small snippets of action. the readers pans from one side to the other - that is wicked. but setting, details, are needed. it is good, what you've done, as it highlights the sense of panic but it ends up beign a little confusing.
"They'd caught the man responsible, and given him a merciful death, but the words at his deathbed had frightened them.
"Children of Winata don't die," he'd said, and he'd just been a boy." -dear God. please don't let it be zeen. I know it is said he is to be base master but he vowed to fight...what other boy would be responsible for an attack? *cries* not zeen!
but generally that part lacked setting. previous lines have said that the peacekeepers would set fire to the barracks so i assume it is there...is it just men? do they not run or do they all await a command. why look to gleo? (are there no horses in barracks?)just tidbits of info like that...you know?
Love Claire and her handling of the situation. I think though (rather critically) you have weakened maximillian. He cannot be that fragile or nice. he is the number one of cinah - sure he has a good side - no one is inherently good or evil (which i think you are trying to show in the story) but he is hearltess. he has murdered other...he has stolen the proncess's heart, and mind after stealing her of everything else she had. How can claire feel anything but loathing for him, no matter how kind he has been on occaision?
gah! oh the questions!
no i have to wait for the next chapter...oh...
new story? exciting stuff! what's it going to be about?
Lily
7/21/2010 c42 LilyWolfe
the bit where sheruna is left alone and malcom enters is too abrupt...but i do like the bit with rags...sheruna is such a princess lol. i love it.
i just feel this chapter is too rushed. you tend to do it to the princess all the time. it would be a good oopurtunity to get inside her mind a little. does she still think of zeen?
"I thought so" - really? she gave no such hint. is she not upset that he is the reason for her incarceration?
but max's overassuance...interesting.
the bit where sheruna is left alone and malcom enters is too abrupt...but i do like the bit with rags...sheruna is such a princess lol. i love it.
i just feel this chapter is too rushed. you tend to do it to the princess all the time. it would be a good oopurtunity to get inside her mind a little. does she still think of zeen?
"I thought so" - really? she gave no such hint. is she not upset that he is the reason for her incarceration?
but max's overassuance...interesting.
7/21/2010 c41 LilyWolfe
"engergy" spelling.
"The Cinah should never be here in the first place" - should never have been here/should never have come here.
"He searched, tried to find a reason to" - missing end of sentence here?
"for the Royal Highness to return" - maybe "His Royal Highness" might be more effective.
"My Contacts are reliable" - smaller case c.
ok...so i liked the bit in the beginning when he went to jacks grave to find the answer and to clear his head...but while i get you are only trying ot hint at the killer...it's all very vague. and then it is sort of left hanging and black jumps into the attack of telling the truth. he is all about silent one i get that but Zeen is still his brother...wouldn't he be more tactile?
but oh the revelations! Half brothers...poor zared...but i guess he'll need this trauma to get those naive stars out of his eyes and be the leader he must ineveitably be...
andth eplot thickens...:D
"engergy" spelling.
"The Cinah should never be here in the first place" - should never have been here/should never have come here.
"He searched, tried to find a reason to" - missing end of sentence here?
"for the Royal Highness to return" - maybe "His Royal Highness" might be more effective.
"My Contacts are reliable" - smaller case c.
ok...so i liked the bit in the beginning when he went to jacks grave to find the answer and to clear his head...but while i get you are only trying ot hint at the killer...it's all very vague. and then it is sort of left hanging and black jumps into the attack of telling the truth. he is all about silent one i get that but Zeen is still his brother...wouldn't he be more tactile?
but oh the revelations! Half brothers...poor zared...but i guess he'll need this trauma to get those naive stars out of his eyes and be the leader he must ineveitably be...
andth eplot thickens...:D
7/21/2010 c40 LilyWolfe
hello! nitpicking again! "their strength was at its fullest." and " abilities of others to the fullest" - repetitive...
YAY! Zared! I knew it! Yay!
Oh...brilliant!
"Who would be better to open a war than someone named War?" - oh...who indeed, and with a personality like will's. All clicking in place! Ilike the dynamic between all four men and the conversation...it's all so well placed...but natural.
oh! Oh! A winatan killed jack...but who? I'm confused...am i supposed to know? (i'm pointing the shoes at captain - but he wouldn't would he? no!)
oh...
hello! nitpicking again! "their strength was at its fullest." and " abilities of others to the fullest" - repetitive...
YAY! Zared! I knew it! Yay!
Oh...brilliant!
"Who would be better to open a war than someone named War?" - oh...who indeed, and with a personality like will's. All clicking in place! Ilike the dynamic between all four men and the conversation...it's all so well placed...but natural.
oh! Oh! A winatan killed jack...but who? I'm confused...am i supposed to know? (i'm pointing the shoes at captain - but he wouldn't would he? no!)
oh...