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for Children of Winata

7/21/2010 c39 5LilyWolfe
great opener...I think it's in the dining area...but maybe add info about lighting? is it dim candles on ech tables? things like that creat an abiances and you can also use it to highlight the feelings of the the men.

I think the song...very Lord of the Rings...

"It broke out into a stampede of stamping" - might be better to use banging/thumping? something like that...it sounds more like repetition than alliteration.

good last line...but i would have liked to see more of how the fire in his eyes ignited the fire in theirs. does he focus on couple of the men and see the hope, the passion, and the need to see their leader back? little tidbits of emotion methinks.

:D I'm so excited about this!
7/21/2010 c38 LilyWolfe
the bit where lillian brings will back...um..i like it but i feel it's missing something...

I think if will is in such a state...he would not respond with words...not until the big where he comes out raging and grabs her by the throat.you know? he takes it...takes what ever she says, grunt and groans. Moans for her to turn of the lifes...they dispair - they do not believe he'll ever come back and then lillian changes tact...I think that may work better.

Plus some more description of the emotion on Lillian? Are her eyes squared in anger? Jaw locked and (disgusting but) does she spit when she shouts...you know?

War pulls him off, why doesn't he attack him? Why are there no punches and blood? This isn't hollywood. This is war! This man has lost the will to live and he's getting kicked further down the hell hole but this savage of a woman...he needs to lash out.

ok, I think you get the point. I will stop.

But again, Zared...I really see big things for him. He reads people and situation well. he knows not to stand in front of lillian...he is BIG I tell you! BIG!

I stand (half) corrected...he does lash out...but at zared? really...(why! *cries*)

Oh...*round of appluse* the will nd pan bit...most excellent! I literally had tugging in my chest. Dude...good stuff. I Love Will. Glad he's back...I don't know how Pan managed to do it but I guess sometimes you don't really need to have a plan for things to work.
7/21/2010 c37 LilyWolfe
well, I like this chapter and the small, subtle details it gives. It certainly is nice to find out more about Pan and Black...though how pan couldn't see that he was devoted to Silent one is beyond me...i guess she wanted clarification. which is all well and good.

It is nice to see the awkwardness pan feels with silent one. She doesn't know how to be a mother...and they say it is instinctive but she's forgotten how a mother should feel...i thik it's indicative of how she's buried all the feelings. and the answer to why she didn't try to help will as much as she should have.

oh...i hope blackie kicks her into gear...
7/21/2010 c36 LilyWolfe
It's not going to be the most helpful review you'll have recieved but i did like the chapter a lot. I actually really like Zared, i think he is really starting to grow and become a formidable character...possibly the force that drives the resistance into the final push...it would be interesting ot see him alongside the londstanding resistance.

I like his interaction with Lillian. no she doesn't swear too much that it's annoying. I think it is what makes her distinguishable and after all the years of battle what woman would really be that concerned with propriety and keeping a clean mouth. She's been through a lot, you know? It's reflective of that, and of her strength...

as for the other questions...well, you've said there are twenty chapters left...making it just past the middle...but even if the war is won...aftershocks will continue to affect both winatans and cinah. it will be along time until balance is restored...until there is ture peace...so really the story could go on for a while yet...

who killed jack...dun dun dun...i'll leave my thoughts to the bookies. :P
7/20/2010 c43 Tawny Owl
Being lax with the reviews again. I’m sure I’ve read this, but I’ve managed to drop the ball again.

He was almost certain it was from Rags, for he recognised the shaky scrawling of a man who did not write often. Nice detail.

The candle on his table flickered and went out – this is nice too. Although you could probably split the ideas up to give it more atmosphere. Like Captain seeing the candle flicker as the door opens, or the shadows dipping and then looking up to see Wolf striding in to the room. And you repeat flickered and flicker. Then flickering. The flickering, flickering is good as it holds the inevitability of the approaching fight, but you might want to play with the others.

Ooh – must be base captain. Intriguingly decisive.

I do like that the Black Dove is choosing not to fight, but I do feel a bit disappointed that he might be stepping back completely, no matter how noble the reasons.

Candle’s flickering again.

The red dawn and the dawn of blood feels a bit overdramatic, like you’re peaking too soon. Does that make sense? It feels like you should save the images for when the fighting has started. Especially as no one is bleeding yet.

Love the image of Rags on the dustbin with all the boys scurrying round his feet like an army rising up from the underworld or something.

"Children of Winata don't die," he'd said, and he'd just been a boy. – Gotta love the fanatics. Actually given that you’re keen on showing the good and bad on both sides, that sort of thing might be something worth exploring more?

Ooh. Gleo is not fighting? I could see it happening, but the build up didn’t feel enough to overcome a life time of indoctrination. It feels like they should be more inner struggle at the moment – and the fact that all his men follow is a bit strange. There needs to be more of the relationship between them. A kind of band of brothers mentality that would show that they would follow him over the fear of the state rather than just telling. Not that I object to the failure of the Cinah tactics. Wohoo.

Two women stood facing (opposite- unecesary) him

"Don't leave me!" the princess cried, lunging herself towards him. But Maximilian found his eyes lingering on Claire, the soft-spoken one. The older one. Interesting, she says with steepled fingers and raised eyebrows.

Claire was quiet. "I see," she whispered finally. Her arms hung dully by her side but her fists hid behind her thighs. – Also an interesting reaction. There’s a lot going on here that’s not being said.

His arms left his sides and went to touch her hips. Her hips? Really? Not arm? Hmm.

I like ending on Claire’s conflict. Especially as she has been so solid all the way through. She was almost nice to Max!

As for the next story, what are teh choices?
7/19/2010 c43 4lookingwest
First part-

They should just lie and say Black Dove is fighting with them, XD. Ack, there I go, being all sleezy with my war recommendations, haha. They're not thinking evil enough-oh wait, that might be because they are the good guys. O: Already I feel that this chapter is aptly named, there were quite a few pick-out-phrases "let tomorrow be a red dawn" was a snappy ending for such a part, haha. Good to see Wolf and Captain together, especially when we step back and see how two characters view other characters when you've got such a large cast.

Second part-

...around the dustbin Rags was standing on.

-Style Edit: "...around the dustbin on which Rags was standing."

O_O Damn Rags! That's what I'm talkin' bout'! Nice little tricks there! Man, they are going to get it. The enemy, I mean, XD. Winata is going to kick their asses this time *is hopeful and full of inspiration*.

Third part-

He snatched his helmet off his head and threw it onto the floor. It clanged off the ground.

-I'm confused. Is this part inside or outside, setting wise? You use "floor" and "ground", which threw me off with the setting description because I was picturing it outside.

Nice observation about the consequences of numbering and labeling men and taking them away from family, so to speak. That really summed up why and how they will fail. I'm almost thinking there won't be much of a grand battle at this point!

"Don't leave me!" the princess cried...

-You usually capitalize "Princess"-is there a reason that you stopped in this chapter? Ah, of course, from Max's POV she wouldn't have a capitalization on that, would she? Touche, XD.

Sheruna is dumb. That is all. ...wait...Stockholm Syndrome anyone? Gawd. I can't believe she's having his baby. HE KILLED YOUR FATHER AND KINGDOM. FOR SHAME, PRINCESS.

Ah, Claire. Now I like Claire, I love the last three paragraphs, she's got a good point about thinking how she can help. That's good thinking. It'd drive me nuts to be with the princess crying while there's a war going on, XD. Actually, meh, I'm all talk-but I'd probably be fleeing for my ass if I was on the princess side, XD.

Your doing a great job building the tension!
7/19/2010 c42 lookingwest
Someone's hand grabbed the speaker's arm.

-though I think this is the Princess right? Or...? I'm actually not sure-is it a solider? This was a little unclear to me, I was confused until reading the second part by continuing, but then I wasn't positive, XD

It was her.

-So this second part starts later in the day, when Rags is waiting in the evening to see the Princess and her maid, correct? And is the second sentence is a little confusing too. On first read I read "Long flowing dress..." not as a plural, but then I noticed you did pluralize it, so then I think "material" should be pluralized too, since there are two dresses...would the maid be equally as vibrantly dressed as the Princess?

Still though, I'm glad that you got back to the Princess, I've been wondering about her throughout the past few chapters, haha. I have to be honest though, I didn't remember who Claire was until you mentioned Captain, so that was good that you mentioned. :S I like that Rags focuses on her first though, and also the bit about how the Princess views him. It's sad that Claire is still ignorant about the death of her son-it's like a second death too, since he was lost to her so long ago. The anguish!

Claire bustled around the room. She drew in the thick curtains and lit a candle in the middle of the room.

-Style Edit: "the room" sounds redundant, maybe just rid the clause "in the middle of the room" from the second sentence all together

Nice parallel with the word "battle" throughout the first and last parts of this chapter.

Ugh. Sheruna is so dumb. I dislike her, as I've disliked her from the beginning, XD, or...at least I think I did...maybe not, it's been a long time. But it is for certain now that she is dumb. Run, run, run-how about stay and fight, huh? :/ That's what we have Lillian for though :D
7/19/2010 c17 1esthaelum
Aah. Pan is that woman who was nearly raped and had some dead guy fall on top of her!

Pan cut her hair... But not like that much cos the golden part is only a quarter of her hair... And Will shaved!

"Fuck, get outta my way, whores!"

- I love Will. He is now officially my favourite character.

I like chapters with Zared in them :D

I wonder who saved Zared... For a minute, I thought it was Will...
7/19/2010 c16 esthaelum
"I don't know if I'm the person t' tell yeh, but there're a lot of girls that'll be happy to accompany you tonight. But if you insist on the lass you've got there I'd ask yeh t' go easy on her tonight."

- Wait, is she saying what I think shes saying..? Honestly, who says that?

Um... Will is going to get drunk. It's inevitable.

Hmm. I can see that Will seems to be smitten by the woman/Pan.

Hey, Pandora ain't a bad name for Pan! I like the name Pandora... Oh, Pandora is her real name. I like Pan anyway. Reminds me of Peter Pan (I bloody love that film.)

How old is War now actually..? He must be around middle aged cos you mentioned he had a beard...

Aaw... Will and Pan are sweet...

...Shees What happened to Sheruna? Why does she keep talkign about Malcolm..?
7/19/2010 c15 esthaelum
Marco seems to have grown up a bit... He used to have that funny accent and stuff... And he's lost that naive, childish air about him. Shame, I liked him like that. Oh well, I still like him this :P

The Cinah... I really dont like them. Who would brand people with NUMBERS? That's really... inhumane.

:O Marco is BETRAYING Will?

"I'll bring War to you," Marco promised.'

- WOAH. Marco is mean now...

Is it me or is Maximillian being nicer to Claire... It's like he doesn't treat her like a slave anymore... I'm even getting the feeling that he may be falling in love with her for reall, but nah... It couldn't be.

"And my balls are falling off," Will commented dryly.

- HAHAHA. OMG! Will's sense of... humour is amusing at times :')

I love Pan... He's so... clueless. hehe. And he's only thirteen... So young...

HOLY! PAN IS A GIRL? *laughs* OH MY BLOODY GOD. Will is hilarious?

'Had he actually talked about his balls in front of her? Damn it! And this was the first women he'd seen in a long time.'

- *smirks* I laughed at that :'D
7/19/2010 c8 this wild abyss
Nice to hear from Claire again. Her mind is extremely rational, and I liked learning more about her personality and character.

At one point, you verged out of 3rd person limited to omniscient, which, in modern literary opinion, is never a good idea. Just a thought.
7/19/2010 c7 this wild abyss
Okay, so obviously there was a time jump, but since you didn't mark it, I have no idea how long that jump is. You might want to mention it somewhere, because if the interval of time was long enough for Will to lose his accent, then I'm sure lots of other things have happened.

Also, whenevery you describe a Magpie (which is every chapter), you always say that it 'kyaks'. And while I'm a big fan of onomatopoeia, using the same word to describe one thing every time it appears might not be a good idea. Baroness Orczy's Scarlet Pimpernel is a good example of this.

On the other hand, I really did enjoy this chapter. It wasn't as event-filled as your other ones, and I feel that you could have combined it with something else, but that's all right. It gave some decent background and was calm in the wake of the other action-packed chapters.
7/19/2010 c14 esthaelum
It gets a bit comfusing if you keep switching between Jack and Jade all the time... I would suggest just putting it as Jade now since thats his new name...

Lillian must be the scarred girl then. I like how she hides her feelings and how her words to Jack are always bitter... It's like she's trying to protect herself by being mean and spiteful or something. Nevertheless, I like Jack and Lillian... I sense romance between them... :D

I felt sorry for that woman in the end... Imagine nearly being raped and having a dead body fall on top of you.. I'd be mentally disturbed for my entire life...
7/19/2010 c13 esthaelum
Jack's new name is Jade..? I saw that in the last chapter... I prefer Jack... Sounds more manly to me. :P I can see why he picked it though. I like how he picked it cos its known to heal...

So... Jack is Jade. Will is War. And Marco is Mars. I didn't get it wrong, right?

WISE ONE IS DEAD? I did not expect that! Who will be the wise one now?


Damn it. Maximillian's back.

"So, beauty, ready to warm my bed tonight?"

- THE BASTARD. UGH! I hate him! Perv!

Hmph! I bet it was Maximillian who went to the princess' room and forced her to eat! I knew it was him!

More soldiers... I'm guessing another battle then.
7/19/2010 c12 esthaelum

Ugh. Rapers in the streets. Ugh. I hope Zared beats them up and teaches them a lesson!

Wow. Zared's got some guts to talk to the general like that... And I wonder what that letter is about... And why was it censored..? Aah... So the Will in the letter was Will's dad? I think it mentioned on one of the earlier chapters that Will's dad had the same name...

All the boys are growing up... *teary eyes* Will is called War now... I still prefer the name Will :D
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