for Children of Winata7/19/2010 c11 
1esthaelum
Hehe. I'm loving the trio at the moment. Will, Jack and Marco and great!
"East?" offered Will, as fast as a flash.
"West." Was Jack and Marco's simultaneous correction.
"I knew that," added Will tersely.'
- Loved this part! I can so imagine this happening...
Oh. Wolf at sunset. Wolf is a man. A man named Wolf. I get it.
Jack's really nice to sacrifice his life for Will...
*
The king was no more? He's dead? Wow. The Cinah are really lethal... I hope nothing happened to Zared.
...Wait. Is Zared dead or not..? And who was that man hat visited Sheruna at night, forcing her to eat?
"You are, after all, my hostage, Princess."
- Evil man alert. For a minute there, I thought it was Zared... Thank god its not him...
*
Haha. Will amuses me so much...
"Whatcha staring at?" he shouted. "Git!"
- Go Will! Show that person not to mess with you!
'But then they came, and they came like ghosts, slipping to Will's side. One became ten; ten became thirty…and Will swelled with pride.'
- Loved this sentence!
I can see that the plot is really kicking up now...
I like how Marco admires Will. It seem very like a kid to do that... But I hope nothing bad happens to him... I dont want a little kid like him to get hurt in battle...
Wow... that battle was really intense... The ending paragraph was really freaky too... Will's turned into some fighting machine..? He's probably driven by revenge or something...
1esthaelumHehe. I'm loving the trio at the moment. Will, Jack and Marco and great!
"East?" offered Will, as fast as a flash.
"West." Was Jack and Marco's simultaneous correction.
"I knew that," added Will tersely.'
- Loved this part! I can so imagine this happening...
Oh. Wolf at sunset. Wolf is a man. A man named Wolf. I get it.
Jack's really nice to sacrifice his life for Will...
*
The king was no more? He's dead? Wow. The Cinah are really lethal... I hope nothing happened to Zared.
...Wait. Is Zared dead or not..? And who was that man hat visited Sheruna at night, forcing her to eat?
"You are, after all, my hostage, Princess."
- Evil man alert. For a minute there, I thought it was Zared... Thank god its not him...
*
Haha. Will amuses me so much...
"Whatcha staring at?" he shouted. "Git!"
- Go Will! Show that person not to mess with you!
'But then they came, and they came like ghosts, slipping to Will's side. One became ten; ten became thirty…and Will swelled with pride.'
- Loved this sentence!
I can see that the plot is really kicking up now...
I like how Marco admires Will. It seem very like a kid to do that... But I hope nothing bad happens to him... I dont want a little kid like him to get hurt in battle...
Wow... that battle was really intense... The ending paragraph was really freaky too... Will's turned into some fighting machine..? He's probably driven by revenge or something...
7/19/2010 c10 esthaelum
Right! I owe you seven reviews now... Let's see if I can repay them all today...
I like the princess. You can tell that she's got a genuine heart and she really cares for that beggar boy. It's a shame she has a meanie of a father though... xP I've always had a soft spot for princess/peasant relationships... I love how the beggar boy grew up to be a fine young man... Aaw. They are so sweet together.
"Sheruna, you are of marriageable age now."
- Darn it. I hate it when royals get forced to marry...
WOAH. I knew she liked Zared, but I didn't expect her to be so straightforward about wanting to marry him!
"That's it!" The King slammed his fist down on the table. "That's it! You are forbidden to see him! Forbidden to speak to him! He's been a bad influence on you!"
- Oh poo. I should have seen that coming.
Wow. The king is really that ill? I thought he was mean, but you have to feel sympathy for the poor man...
*
HAHA! Zared's an emo! He covers his eye with his hair! Hehe, just joking. But he reminded me of one since he has black hair and all :P. I like how you said it made him feel safe though. That's really nice for his character...
Aaw.. The scene between the princess and Zared was really sweet... Shame Zared had to run off to save the king from some attack... I have a feeling something bad is going to happen to Zared. Maybe he loses his memory or something after some huge battle... That would be so cool (and tragic) if he did.
*
I love the focus on birds in this story. You make them sound so special xD
WOW. I loved the suspence and growing tension on Jack's section! Especially about the 46 bit... I was actually trying to figure out what that meant as well... 46 does sound a bit like foxes when you say it fast... How the hell did you manage to think of that?
Right! I owe you seven reviews now... Let's see if I can repay them all today...
I like the princess. You can tell that she's got a genuine heart and she really cares for that beggar boy. It's a shame she has a meanie of a father though... xP I've always had a soft spot for princess/peasant relationships... I love how the beggar boy grew up to be a fine young man... Aaw. They are so sweet together.
"Sheruna, you are of marriageable age now."
- Darn it. I hate it when royals get forced to marry...
WOAH. I knew she liked Zared, but I didn't expect her to be so straightforward about wanting to marry him!
"That's it!" The King slammed his fist down on the table. "That's it! You are forbidden to see him! Forbidden to speak to him! He's been a bad influence on you!"
- Oh poo. I should have seen that coming.
Wow. The king is really that ill? I thought he was mean, but you have to feel sympathy for the poor man...
*
HAHA! Zared's an emo! He covers his eye with his hair! Hehe, just joking. But he reminded me of one since he has black hair and all :P. I like how you said it made him feel safe though. That's really nice for his character...
Aaw.. The scene between the princess and Zared was really sweet... Shame Zared had to run off to save the king from some attack... I have a feeling something bad is going to happen to Zared. Maybe he loses his memory or something after some huge battle... That would be so cool (and tragic) if he did.
*
I love the focus on birds in this story. You make them sound so special xD
WOW. I loved the suspence and growing tension on Jack's section! Especially about the 46 bit... I was actually trying to figure out what that meant as well... 46 does sound a bit like foxes when you say it fast... How the hell did you manage to think of that?
7/17/2010 c9 esthaelum
I do love how Will and Jack's friendship seem to be growing... I like how both of them seem to be rather different from each other, and yet they still can be good friends. I also thoguht it was sweet of Jack to offer to teach Will how to write. :')
Everytime Maximillian speaks to Claire, I find myself cringing... There's just something bad about him... Hm...
I do love how Will and Jack's friendship seem to be growing... I like how both of them seem to be rather different from each other, and yet they still can be good friends. I also thoguht it was sweet of Jack to offer to teach Will how to write. :')
Everytime Maximillian speaks to Claire, I find myself cringing... There's just something bad about him... Hm...
7/17/2010 c8 esthaelum
'They had reached Tepi; the soldiers quickly set up tents on the outskirts of Tepi.'
- Just being picky here, but you repeated the word 'Tepi' twice in this sentence.
Maximillian is starting to freak me out... Why does he keep flirting with Claire... His compliments are so... gag worthy xD. I hate the way he calls her a slave too. Very charming, that. T_T *end sarcasm*
Chocolate mongrel? I like how you have your own creatures in this story. It's very creative!
'They had reached Tepi; the soldiers quickly set up tents on the outskirts of Tepi.'
- Just being picky here, but you repeated the word 'Tepi' twice in this sentence.
Maximillian is starting to freak me out... Why does he keep flirting with Claire... His compliments are so... gag worthy xD. I hate the way he calls her a slave too. Very charming, that. T_T *end sarcasm*
Chocolate mongrel? I like how you have your own creatures in this story. It's very creative!
7/16/2010 c7 esthaelum
I like Will so far... I just have an attraction towards tragic, sad characters. There's just something so mysterious and... depressing about him. Makes me want to just go and give him a big big big hug...
I also like how he's so reluctant to trust anyone... Like how he didn't want Jack to help him and stuff. He seems like the type of character to want to just go by himself...
Hmm... wonder who's watching them?
I like Will so far... I just have an attraction towards tragic, sad characters. There's just something so mysterious and... depressing about him. Makes me want to just go and give him a big big big hug...
I also like how he's so reluctant to trust anyone... Like how he didn't want Jack to help him and stuff. He seems like the type of character to want to just go by himself...
Hmm... wonder who's watching them?
7/16/2010 c43 30sophiesix
the first half felt a little rushed, but the half was lovely. Clare's bit really came through wonderfully - very textured.
and you are 20 reviews off 500! 8D WOW! congrats!
"Just came back, alright?"" come?
when Gleo's armour falls to teh grounds, it's repeating teh setnece before.
then tension is building nicely!
30sophiesixthe first half felt a little rushed, but the half was lovely. Clare's bit really came through wonderfully - very textured.
and you are 20 reviews off 500! 8D WOW! congrats!
"Just came back, alright?"" come?
when Gleo's armour falls to teh grounds, it's repeating teh setnece before.
then tension is building nicely!
7/16/2010 c3 4InkedSoul
Well, I finally hopped onto my mom's laptop after she finished and here I am, even though it's pretty late right now...I'm still glad I'm getting the chance to pay you back! (:
Anyway, this chapter was interesting. The dream in the beginning was a nice introduction to the chapter although I think that a little thought after the dream would've been more logical. Jack just got up and went downstairs without giving the dream a second thought as if it were normal, maybe it is I dont know but I think it would be better to dwell on the dream a bit and what he thought it meant.
It's kind of sad that the social differences between Jack and his friends sort of sets them apart a bit and causes a bit of controversy between them. Although it was nice of his father to step in and settle the battle that was brewing among them.
I only found like three mistakes because you said that you went over it a while ago so here are some things you missed:
[He quinted in the dark: there was nothing.]
You mean "He squinted"
[...ruffled his son's hair in a goodbye, and turned heel.]
The last part should be "and turned on his heel."
[He knew she'd been up all night, as himself. He knew how she listen for each breath of his..]
The first sentence didn't really make sense so I got confused there but in the second sentence it's 'listened' not 'listen'
That's all I really found, anyway the ending was extremely suspenseful and interesting. I'm curious to see how the girl fits into the story. Jack's father seems quite interested in her so I wonder how she's going to affect the other characters, like Jack. I'll just have to wait and find out I guess. Overall, great chapter (:
~Idareutouess
4InkedSoulWell, I finally hopped onto my mom's laptop after she finished and here I am, even though it's pretty late right now...I'm still glad I'm getting the chance to pay you back! (:
Anyway, this chapter was interesting. The dream in the beginning was a nice introduction to the chapter although I think that a little thought after the dream would've been more logical. Jack just got up and went downstairs without giving the dream a second thought as if it were normal, maybe it is I dont know but I think it would be better to dwell on the dream a bit and what he thought it meant.
It's kind of sad that the social differences between Jack and his friends sort of sets them apart a bit and causes a bit of controversy between them. Although it was nice of his father to step in and settle the battle that was brewing among them.
I only found like three mistakes because you said that you went over it a while ago so here are some things you missed:
[He quinted in the dark: there was nothing.]
You mean "He squinted"
[...ruffled his son's hair in a goodbye, and turned heel.]
The last part should be "and turned on his heel."
[He knew she'd been up all night, as himself. He knew how she listen for each breath of his..]
The first sentence didn't really make sense so I got confused there but in the second sentence it's 'listened' not 'listen'
That's all I really found, anyway the ending was extremely suspenseful and interesting. I'm curious to see how the girl fits into the story. Jack's father seems quite interested in her so I wonder how she's going to affect the other characters, like Jack. I'll just have to wait and find out I guess. Overall, great chapter (:
~Idareutouess
7/14/2010 c11 8Kobra Kid
Chapter 12: Great job once again! The whole scene with Wolf, Jack, Will & Marco was handled well and wasn't confusing. My only advice is to add more description about the characters, because as of now I really don't know what they look like.
Aw crap, Zared failed. I sorta have mixed feelings for him though. Just he gives off an aura of darkness, but then he cares for Sheruna. Urgh, I don't know.
Chapter 13: The dialogue was engaging and realistic, as usual. I also liked how you used the note to inform the characters of what's going on with Winata. I also liked the scene with Will being a leader to everyone else with the dirt and such. Good job!
~B. Cross
8Kobra KidChapter 12: Great job once again! The whole scene with Wolf, Jack, Will & Marco was handled well and wasn't confusing. My only advice is to add more description about the characters, because as of now I really don't know what they look like.
Aw crap, Zared failed. I sorta have mixed feelings for him though. Just he gives off an aura of darkness, but then he cares for Sheruna. Urgh, I don't know.
Chapter 13: The dialogue was engaging and realistic, as usual. I also liked how you used the note to inform the characters of what's going on with Winata. I also liked the scene with Will being a leader to everyone else with the dirt and such. Good job!
~B. Cross
7/14/2010 c6 this wild abyss
Oh dayum. Great last line! It really drew me in, if I wasn't drawn in before, anyways.
One nitpicky thing I have to point out is that during the exchange between Maximillian and Thomson, I was confused about which 'he' we were discussing. Maybe you could use their individual names a little bit more?
Other than that, this was an amazing chapter. I can't say that I'm a big fan of the alternating POVs, but that's just my personal taste, so basically, it was brilliant! LOL
Oh dayum. Great last line! It really drew me in, if I wasn't drawn in before, anyways.
One nitpicky thing I have to point out is that during the exchange between Maximillian and Thomson, I was confused about which 'he' we were discussing. Maybe you could use their individual names a little bit more?
Other than that, this was an amazing chapter. I can't say that I'm a big fan of the alternating POVs, but that's just my personal taste, so basically, it was brilliant! LOL
7/14/2010 c5 this wild abyss
Hm... the dude used his Dad's name? That's one way of honoring the dead, I guess.
I feel terrible. I only noticed like two seconds ago that this story was in the Romance genre. Which then made me think that it was a romance between Jack and Will. Is it? (Don't tell me, please, LOL)
So, this was a very nice chapter. This time, I could really feel the emotions and how the events of the story were impacting Jack. Nicely done.
Hm... the dude used his Dad's name? That's one way of honoring the dead, I guess.
I feel terrible. I only noticed like two seconds ago that this story was in the Romance genre. Which then made me think that it was a romance between Jack and Will. Is it? (Don't tell me, please, LOL)
So, this was a very nice chapter. This time, I could really feel the emotions and how the events of the story were impacting Jack. Nicely done.
7/14/2010 c4 this wild abyss
Very interesting switch of perspective. I like it when an author shows both sides of a war/argument. It gives the characters a realistic personality and depth, I think. The 'Number One' person is very interesting, too. I like the tiny bit of background you showed, and then the way you illustrated the shift in him from man to machine when he killed Will, a childhood friend. Very nice!
Very interesting switch of perspective. I like it when an author shows both sides of a war/argument. It gives the characters a realistic personality and depth, I think. The 'Number One' person is very interesting, too. I like the tiny bit of background you showed, and then the way you illustrated the shift in him from man to machine when he killed Will, a childhood friend. Very nice!
7/13/2010 c3 99Dreamers-Requiem
A really interesting chapter. The slum kids are striking in the way you describe them, especially the girl at the end. I like how you have the pride factor going on; it makes them a bit more 3D rather than just thrown in for the sake of it. I kind of expected more of a goodbye between Jack and his father though; it doesn't seem to have effected them much? That said, you could show a bit more of their emotions throughout this, especially if it's possible that they might not see each other again. Anyways, am really enjoying this. Keep it up.
99Dreamers-RequiemA really interesting chapter. The slum kids are striking in the way you describe them, especially the girl at the end. I like how you have the pride factor going on; it makes them a bit more 3D rather than just thrown in for the sake of it. I kind of expected more of a goodbye between Jack and his father though; it doesn't seem to have effected them much? That said, you could show a bit more of their emotions throughout this, especially if it's possible that they might not see each other again. Anyways, am really enjoying this. Keep it up.
7/13/2010 c3 this wild abyss
I like how you stylized the dialogue for each character and gave it a unique feel. I could really picture the characters in my head the way you wrote their dialogue. On the other hand, I don't feel that you're putting enough emotion behing the characters' actions. I can see what they're doing, but I don't feel that I know how this is impacting them. I mean, their country is about to be invaded, for Pete's sake. I think you should tell us how Jack and his dad are feeling, not just how they interact with others in the face of this news.
I like how you stylized the dialogue for each character and gave it a unique feel. I could really picture the characters in my head the way you wrote their dialogue. On the other hand, I don't feel that you're putting enough emotion behing the characters' actions. I can see what they're doing, but I don't feel that I know how this is impacting them. I mean, their country is about to be invaded, for Pete's sake. I think you should tell us how Jack and his dad are feeling, not just how they interact with others in the face of this news.
7/13/2010 c2 this wild abyss
Okay, so I didn't really understand this chapter very well. I could feel that the news Jack was being told was very important, but I didn't feel that you explained it enough. Quite a bit of back-story was missing from this, I felt, and on the whole, I felt that it was a trifle rushed. I did like the introduction of the title element, and I feel that you did it very well, even if I didn't understand what I meant exactly.
Okay, so I didn't really understand this chapter very well. I could feel that the news Jack was being told was very important, but I didn't feel that you explained it enough. Quite a bit of back-story was missing from this, I felt, and on the whole, I felt that it was a trifle rushed. I did like the introduction of the title element, and I feel that you did it very well, even if I didn't understand what I meant exactly.
7/13/2010 c2 4InkedSoul
Interesting chapter. I was looking forward to finding out what happened to Zeen but I guess I'll have to wait a little longer Dx
Jack seems like an intersting character. Although I didn't fully grasp his personality here, the life style he lives under sort of brought out some characteristics a bit.
Hmm..his father is strict (as all father's are) but sort of has a softer side to him, 'cause he wants to protect his family and the mother is always the fragile one. That seems like a pretty realisitc and typical family that he lives with so its nice that most people can relate to that.
Some minor mistakes I found:
[His mother's face was her hands, elbows on the table..]
add 'in' between was and her
[For a moment, there was no noise bar the wind shuttling the...]
'but' not 'bar' ...I don't know where you got that from lol
[Claire leapt up to her feet, and Thomson let her do so unhindered this time.]
Add a comma after after 'so'
[... it was from these words that he drew strength from.]
omit the second 'from'
Anyway, Jack is a unique character I have to say. He seems more caring and kind than the tough type that his father wants to be (at least I think that, though that might just be me xD). I wonder how he's gonna survive if anything happens to his family...
Overall great chapter.
~Idareutoguess
4InkedSoulInteresting chapter. I was looking forward to finding out what happened to Zeen but I guess I'll have to wait a little longer Dx
Jack seems like an intersting character. Although I didn't fully grasp his personality here, the life style he lives under sort of brought out some characteristics a bit.
Hmm..his father is strict (as all father's are) but sort of has a softer side to him, 'cause he wants to protect his family and the mother is always the fragile one. That seems like a pretty realisitc and typical family that he lives with so its nice that most people can relate to that.
Some minor mistakes I found:
[His mother's face was her hands, elbows on the table..]
add 'in' between was and her
[For a moment, there was no noise bar the wind shuttling the...]
'but' not 'bar' ...I don't know where you got that from lol
[Claire leapt up to her feet, and Thomson let her do so unhindered this time.]
Add a comma after after 'so'
[... it was from these words that he drew strength from.]
omit the second 'from'
Anyway, Jack is a unique character I have to say. He seems more caring and kind than the tough type that his father wants to be (at least I think that, though that might just be me xD). I wonder how he's gonna survive if anything happens to his family...
Overall great chapter.
~Idareutoguess