for Children of Winata7/12/2010 c6 
1esthaelum
Maximilian sends shivers up my spine. I really don't like him. He just gives off a bad, uncomfortable air around him. I felt really sorry for Clair in this chapter. This chapter was rather short, but I loved how it was filled with action... So did Thomson die? But wait, he's apparently immortal? Wow, that does sound interesting...
He grinned, his thin lips stretching wide. "I like you, slave."
- ... O_O OKAY... That was... freaky.
Now is the time for Claire to headbutt him in the forehead and run for dear life...
1esthaelumMaximilian sends shivers up my spine. I really don't like him. He just gives off a bad, uncomfortable air around him. I felt really sorry for Clair in this chapter. This chapter was rather short, but I loved how it was filled with action... So did Thomson die? But wait, he's apparently immortal? Wow, that does sound interesting...
He grinned, his thin lips stretching wide. "I like you, slave."
- ... O_O OKAY... That was... freaky.
Now is the time for Claire to headbutt him in the forehead and run for dear life...
7/12/2010 c10 8Kobra Kid
Chapter Ten: I like that name, Sheruna. ^^. Poor King, but still he should let Sheruna marry whomever she wants. I alrady like Zerad, even though we haven't really 'met' him yet. Okay, now the King is really ticking me off. So what if he's sick? Urghh...
'a prince of his people' - best line in your story so far! :D
Okay, now I feel bad for the King. :(. God, you just throw my emotions everywhere! :P.
I liked the scene with Sheruna and Zared. You showed their personalities and Zared's outstanding character. God, why can't men be like him? xD
Chapter 11: Jack is one smart kid. I really respect him for how well he handles the uneducated children and, most importantly, Will.
Great job! As usual! :)
~B. Cross
8Kobra KidChapter Ten: I like that name, Sheruna. ^^. Poor King, but still he should let Sheruna marry whomever she wants. I alrady like Zerad, even though we haven't really 'met' him yet. Okay, now the King is really ticking me off. So what if he's sick? Urghh...
'a prince of his people' - best line in your story so far! :D
Okay, now I feel bad for the King. :(. God, you just throw my emotions everywhere! :P.
I liked the scene with Sheruna and Zared. You showed their personalities and Zared's outstanding character. God, why can't men be like him? xD
Chapter 11: Jack is one smart kid. I really respect him for how well he handles the uneducated children and, most importantly, Will.
Great job! As usual! :)
~B. Cross
7/12/2010 c9 Kobra Kid
Okay, Max isn't as bad as I thought he was. Yes, he's a soldier bent on taking over, but you did get to see his soft side in this chapter, which I enjoyed. ^^
I also loved the interaction between Jack and Will. It's fairly obvious that they are close and Jack is just awesome! :).
~B. Cross
Okay, Max isn't as bad as I thought he was. Yes, he's a soldier bent on taking over, but you did get to see his soft side in this chapter, which I enjoyed. ^^
I also loved the interaction between Jack and Will. It's fairly obvious that they are close and Jack is just awesome! :).
~B. Cross
7/12/2010 c42 Tawny Owl
He glared at it, as if daring it to change - nice.
as her eyes skipped lightly off him. - nice too. She sure has changed fromthe girl who wanted to make a pet out of Zared. Although I do think it’s strange that it’s possible for Rags to get so close so easily. I think you should expand on the geography a bit and whether there are walls/guards to be negotiated.
"Yes, missus, and he's heading towards you." – and he says this in front of the princess? Although it’s not direct he must know who she’s sleeping with, I dunno, it just feels like he should be more circumspect with it in case Claire is questioned afterwards.
I would have liked to see the internal decision process that Sheruna goes through as well. It doesn’t feel like there’s much internal conflict about betraying her people, which is fine because she’s already been set up as a bit of blinkered child, but it feels like there should still be something about why she believes it’s the best thing to do otherwise it feels too sudden. The same with Max, there doesn’t seem to be any question about trusting her with his identity. It’s taken him this long so he must have had some worry about it? It’s an important scene for the two of them as it’s ironing out their loyalties. I think you could really add to the emotion of it.
Only six? Actually that feels about right depending on how long they’re going to be. I reckon six is enough for a battle, some betrayal, a few reunions and mopping up the mess.
I got the short story back, thank you. And I’m starting Lindaral properly tonight. When I actually begin thinking about it I’ll probably go through quite quickly.
He glared at it, as if daring it to change - nice.
as her eyes skipped lightly off him. - nice too. She sure has changed fromthe girl who wanted to make a pet out of Zared. Although I do think it’s strange that it’s possible for Rags to get so close so easily. I think you should expand on the geography a bit and whether there are walls/guards to be negotiated.
"Yes, missus, and he's heading towards you." – and he says this in front of the princess? Although it’s not direct he must know who she’s sleeping with, I dunno, it just feels like he should be more circumspect with it in case Claire is questioned afterwards.
I would have liked to see the internal decision process that Sheruna goes through as well. It doesn’t feel like there’s much internal conflict about betraying her people, which is fine because she’s already been set up as a bit of blinkered child, but it feels like there should still be something about why she believes it’s the best thing to do otherwise it feels too sudden. The same with Max, there doesn’t seem to be any question about trusting her with his identity. It’s taken him this long so he must have had some worry about it? It’s an important scene for the two of them as it’s ironing out their loyalties. I think you could really add to the emotion of it.
Only six? Actually that feels about right depending on how long they’re going to be. I reckon six is enough for a battle, some betrayal, a few reunions and mopping up the mess.
I got the short story back, thank you. And I’m starting Lindaral properly tonight. When I actually begin thinking about it I’ll probably go through quite quickly.
7/11/2010 c1 this wild abyss
From the Roadhouse:
Interesting start of a chapter. I like how it's a kingdom that takes place in a modern situation. It's a unique aspect, and I'm glad you wrote the story that way.
I was a little confused most of the time as to who you, as the narrator, were describing. I felt that you used too many pronouns without introducing the character's full titles as often as you should have.
On the whole, I'm glad I found this story. (:
From the Roadhouse:
Interesting start of a chapter. I like how it's a kingdom that takes place in a modern situation. It's a unique aspect, and I'm glad you wrote the story that way.
I was a little confused most of the time as to who you, as the narrator, were describing. I felt that you used too many pronouns without introducing the character's full titles as often as you should have.
On the whole, I'm glad I found this story. (:
7/11/2010 c42 30sophiesix
ooh, battle is brewing, the tension is just starting to rise...
would like a bit more reaction from rags though, and characterisation through setting, mebbe?
""funny name," she commented/ "But Malcolm-," she protested." watch your speech tags there, they feel a bit redundant.
so shezza is going to betray him! well well wel... heh heh
can't wait for teh climax here. (and more will!)
sorry such a crap review. trying to squeeze it in between wedding and field trip :)
30sophiesixooh, battle is brewing, the tension is just starting to rise...
would like a bit more reaction from rags though, and characterisation through setting, mebbe?
""funny name," she commented/ "But Malcolm-," she protested." watch your speech tags there, they feel a bit redundant.
so shezza is going to betray him! well well wel... heh heh
can't wait for teh climax here. (and more will!)
sorry such a crap review. trying to squeeze it in between wedding and field trip :)
7/11/2010 c8 8Kobra Kid
I'm reviewing as I read. :D.
NO! MAXIMILLIAN? THAT CREEPY JERK!
"You are quite a beauty" eww! :0.
Yay, Claire is talking back! -cheers her on-
I love all of your descriptions of your character's movements. They are really vivid yet simple. :)
OMG! Max is a desperate fool. Trying to strip down Claire...eww! -trembles at the thought-
The dialogue is very realistic, so kudos for that! I know howh difficult that can be a ttimes. :D
'the scarred girl' oh crapp.
Sorry that my review really isn't any good. I'm a little tired from the 6 hour car drive & all of my friends constantly texting me @[email protected] the next review will be much better, I promise!
~B. Cross
-Payback via Rise From The Ashes? Thanks :)
8Kobra KidI'm reviewing as I read. :D.
NO! MAXIMILLIAN? THAT CREEPY JERK!
"You are quite a beauty" eww! :0.
Yay, Claire is talking back! -cheers her on-
I love all of your descriptions of your character's movements. They are really vivid yet simple. :)
OMG! Max is a desperate fool. Trying to strip down Claire...eww! -trembles at the thought-
The dialogue is very realistic, so kudos for that! I know howh difficult that can be a ttimes. :D
'the scarred girl' oh crapp.
Sorry that my review really isn't any good. I'm a little tired from the 6 hour car drive & all of my friends constantly texting me @[email protected] the next review will be much better, I promise!
~B. Cross
-Payback via Rise From The Ashes? Thanks :)
7/11/2010 c8 WutNow
Howdy Review Buddy! I'm here for Round Two!
I'm not entirely sure what is happening in this chapter. Did you add new characters when you updated the chapters? (Sorry, just curious). I'm not sure if I remembered the man in the beginning from the last time I read this story, then again, it was a long time ago and I might have been mistaken. I'm sorry for my confusion T.T.
I liked the tension in the beginning between the characters. I'm a little taken aback of him calling her a slave (it burned in my ears when I read that part, because it made me sad). However, I liked how brave she is when she replied back, especially about being free. I liked the way she compared to herself as a butterfly- I thought that was a nice metaphor :).
I also liked the ending where Will displayed some of his skills. I thought that was nicely done, and that you did it through his actions instead of him telling the other people how to use the weapon. He is a hero that everyone can look up to now, and he is showing true signs of bravery and skill :). He's definitely my favorite character so far :D
Things you can tweak:
- And Claire, stayed, also, singled out from the other prisonors [prisoners], taken inside one of the larger tents, and tied to a chair. -I thought this sentence is way too long and had so many things going on that it leaves me a little puzzled. There is nothing wrong with shorter sentences my friend :). Here is my example "And Clair, who also stayed, was singled out from the other prisoners. She was taken inside one of the larger tents and was tied to a chair against her will"
- Disgusted, Claire kicked out. The blow landed on the man's legs.- kicked out? I thought you could have expanded the idea a little further and be more descriptive about it. My example: "Disgusted, Claire thought of the only thing she could do to conflict pain on him: she let out a kick. The blow hit the man's leg"
Overall, I thought it was a nicely paced chapter :) G'job!
Hope you enjoyed this review! I can't wait to hear from you soon!
-Agent
Howdy Review Buddy! I'm here for Round Two!
I'm not entirely sure what is happening in this chapter. Did you add new characters when you updated the chapters? (Sorry, just curious). I'm not sure if I remembered the man in the beginning from the last time I read this story, then again, it was a long time ago and I might have been mistaken. I'm sorry for my confusion T.T.
I liked the tension in the beginning between the characters. I'm a little taken aback of him calling her a slave (it burned in my ears when I read that part, because it made me sad). However, I liked how brave she is when she replied back, especially about being free. I liked the way she compared to herself as a butterfly- I thought that was a nice metaphor :).
I also liked the ending where Will displayed some of his skills. I thought that was nicely done, and that you did it through his actions instead of him telling the other people how to use the weapon. He is a hero that everyone can look up to now, and he is showing true signs of bravery and skill :). He's definitely my favorite character so far :D
Things you can tweak:
- And Claire, stayed, also, singled out from the other prisonors [prisoners], taken inside one of the larger tents, and tied to a chair. -I thought this sentence is way too long and had so many things going on that it leaves me a little puzzled. There is nothing wrong with shorter sentences my friend :). Here is my example "And Clair, who also stayed, was singled out from the other prisoners. She was taken inside one of the larger tents and was tied to a chair against her will"
- Disgusted, Claire kicked out. The blow landed on the man's legs.- kicked out? I thought you could have expanded the idea a little further and be more descriptive about it. My example: "Disgusted, Claire thought of the only thing she could do to conflict pain on him: she let out a kick. The blow hit the man's leg"
Overall, I thought it was a nicely paced chapter :) G'job!
Hope you enjoyed this review! I can't wait to hear from you soon!
-Agent
7/11/2010 c7 WutNow
Howdy Review Buddy! Here From The Roadhouse!
I realized that you edited the previous chapters. I tried to send another review but I don't think I can for those chapters that you have edited, so I am very sorry about that :(. Anyway, here is my review :)
Oh just to let you know, I kind of smiled at your characters when you named them Will and Jack- it reminded me of the friendship of these two characters from a series called Will and Grace (you know what I'm talking about haha). And I find it ironic that they are friends in this story too. I really like that. Anyway, sorry for my blabber- moving on..
Overall content:
-I think this is the first time the land of "Winata" was actually expressed (correct me if I am wrong btw haha). Will grew up a little bit hasn't he? He's way more matured from the first time I met him. What I really liked about this character is that you maintained his dialect, and how different it is from the natives who lived there ex: him saying ya'll and stuff like that. Though some people might brush it off, the way he speaks really shines in this chapter.
-I also liked the beginning where you described the environment and setting from which the story takes place. It created a very calming and soothing environment. Not only that, but it is also a perfect scene to have that talk about life (like in the movies haha). I also liked how the calm environment contrasted from Will's thoughts- which were about war, and revenge. I'm not sure if that was your intentions or if it was coincidental, but I really liked the balance you created :).
- This is me just being a little iffy, but I thought Will needed more of an encouragement to agree with Jack's proposition. He was so against it (at least I thought he was) in the beginning, hesitant to take the offer, and all of a sudden he does? I thought there needed to be more, as I said before, convincing for him to take the offer to train them.
Overall, I thought this was a nicely paced chapter. The description you provided was really nicely formatted. I liked that you focused on a few details (ex the bird, the waves), before the characters spoke to one another :).
Now, for the things you can tweak:
- Cold, sharp winds whipped at his hair. - I thought this sounded a little strange to me. Maybe you can rewrite it a little more smoothly instead of making it feel forced. Example: A cold gush of wind teased his hair"
-"Will, what are you doing?" Jack's greeting was cautious, like he was testing the waters.- I really liked how you compared Jack's words with the environment/ scenery you provided with the beginning. However, I thought it could have flown a little more smoothly with some adjustments. First of all, Jack didn't really greet him, but asked him a question. Maybe you can add some dialogue that will show his greeting towards him?
- Sometimes the face was accompanied by an infuriating smile that implired [implied] he just knows green in the eyes echoed the colour [color] in the trees' leaves. And trees, to Will, were something that hid their feelings. Jack was too controlled, too strong, and it made Will feel weak. - I thought there was a lot going on this this paragraph and I found myself confused on what you are trying to say/ accomplish. I'm not sure what he meant by the leaves. I was a little confused about that bit.
Overall, great job Narq :). I'm off to the next chapter!
-Agent
Howdy Review Buddy! Here From The Roadhouse!
I realized that you edited the previous chapters. I tried to send another review but I don't think I can for those chapters that you have edited, so I am very sorry about that :(. Anyway, here is my review :)
Oh just to let you know, I kind of smiled at your characters when you named them Will and Jack- it reminded me of the friendship of these two characters from a series called Will and Grace (you know what I'm talking about haha). And I find it ironic that they are friends in this story too. I really like that. Anyway, sorry for my blabber- moving on..
Overall content:
-I think this is the first time the land of "Winata" was actually expressed (correct me if I am wrong btw haha). Will grew up a little bit hasn't he? He's way more matured from the first time I met him. What I really liked about this character is that you maintained his dialect, and how different it is from the natives who lived there ex: him saying ya'll and stuff like that. Though some people might brush it off, the way he speaks really shines in this chapter.
-I also liked the beginning where you described the environment and setting from which the story takes place. It created a very calming and soothing environment. Not only that, but it is also a perfect scene to have that talk about life (like in the movies haha). I also liked how the calm environment contrasted from Will's thoughts- which were about war, and revenge. I'm not sure if that was your intentions or if it was coincidental, but I really liked the balance you created :).
- This is me just being a little iffy, but I thought Will needed more of an encouragement to agree with Jack's proposition. He was so against it (at least I thought he was) in the beginning, hesitant to take the offer, and all of a sudden he does? I thought there needed to be more, as I said before, convincing for him to take the offer to train them.
Overall, I thought this was a nicely paced chapter. The description you provided was really nicely formatted. I liked that you focused on a few details (ex the bird, the waves), before the characters spoke to one another :).
Now, for the things you can tweak:
- Cold, sharp winds whipped at his hair. - I thought this sounded a little strange to me. Maybe you can rewrite it a little more smoothly instead of making it feel forced. Example: A cold gush of wind teased his hair"
-"Will, what are you doing?" Jack's greeting was cautious, like he was testing the waters.- I really liked how you compared Jack's words with the environment/ scenery you provided with the beginning. However, I thought it could have flown a little more smoothly with some adjustments. First of all, Jack didn't really greet him, but asked him a question. Maybe you can add some dialogue that will show his greeting towards him?
- Sometimes the face was accompanied by an infuriating smile that implired [implied] he just knows green in the eyes echoed the colour [color] in the trees' leaves. And trees, to Will, were something that hid their feelings. Jack was too controlled, too strong, and it made Will feel weak. - I thought there was a lot going on this this paragraph and I found myself confused on what you are trying to say/ accomplish. I'm not sure what he meant by the leaves. I was a little confused about that bit.
Overall, great job Narq :). I'm off to the next chapter!
-Agent
7/11/2010 c2 99Dreamers-Requiem
Nice chapter, I like the way you introduced Jack in here, and you way you slowly built up him entering the house - made it tense, and I half expected him to walk in on something really bad. Having it be his parents at the table, and the realisation of that, was handled really well. Also liking the constant presence of the birds, it's subtle enough to not stand out too much, but done in a way that it is noticeable. If that makes sense :P
99Dreamers-RequiemNice chapter, I like the way you introduced Jack in here, and you way you slowly built up him entering the house - made it tense, and I half expected him to walk in on something really bad. Having it be his parents at the table, and the realisation of that, was handled really well. Also liking the constant presence of the birds, it's subtle enough to not stand out too much, but done in a way that it is noticeable. If that makes sense :P
7/11/2010 c1 4InkedSoul
Great chapter. Your introductory sentences instantly pulled the reader into the story and your writing style is admirable. I love how everything flowed nicely and you described everything so that the sentences didn't sound choppy and the actions in the story were natural instead of forced.
The beginning expertly informed us about Zeen's surroundings while the middle really grabbed my attention with all the suspense of the gunman and Zeen heroically saving the princess's life. It was great how you spaced that out. You informed the reader a bit about the situation without giving too much information to bore them before you plunged into the plot and the action.
There was a part in the chapter that caused a little confusion for me. First you have this sentence:
[Little did he know, killing would soon be a second nature.]
Then the next sentence:
["You know how the Peacekeepers came to be?" Rags asked a few days later, whilst making their way to a nesting area of the blue magpies. ]
The scene sort of changed out of nowhere without any indication. You might want to add like a line or some fancy indication that separates those two parts so that there's no confusion.
Besides that I really like this story so far. I'm curious to see what happened to Zeen and how is half brother and the "Peacekeepers" are going to add to the action. Great job with this chapter (:
~Idareutoguess from the Roadhouse
4InkedSoulGreat chapter. Your introductory sentences instantly pulled the reader into the story and your writing style is admirable. I love how everything flowed nicely and you described everything so that the sentences didn't sound choppy and the actions in the story were natural instead of forced.
The beginning expertly informed us about Zeen's surroundings while the middle really grabbed my attention with all the suspense of the gunman and Zeen heroically saving the princess's life. It was great how you spaced that out. You informed the reader a bit about the situation without giving too much information to bore them before you plunged into the plot and the action.
There was a part in the chapter that caused a little confusion for me. First you have this sentence:
[Little did he know, killing would soon be a second nature.]
Then the next sentence:
["You know how the Peacekeepers came to be?" Rags asked a few days later, whilst making their way to a nesting area of the blue magpies. ]
The scene sort of changed out of nowhere without any indication. You might want to add like a line or some fancy indication that separates those two parts so that there's no confusion.
Besides that I really like this story so far. I'm curious to see what happened to Zeen and how is half brother and the "Peacekeepers" are going to add to the action. Great job with this chapter (:
~Idareutoguess from the Roadhouse
7/11/2010 c6 6MeAsIAm
Wow, now I see Thomson and Claire in a totally different light. First I had categorized them only as Jack's parents, and did not think of them further, but this chapter changed that. I found Thomson very brave and impulsive. Claire is resilient and courageous. Maximilian has taken it upon himself to display every facet of his personality :P
Gripping! :)
6MeAsIAmWow, now I see Thomson and Claire in a totally different light. First I had categorized them only as Jack's parents, and did not think of them further, but this chapter changed that. I found Thomson very brave and impulsive. Claire is resilient and courageous. Maximilian has taken it upon himself to display every facet of his personality :P
Gripping! :)
7/11/2010 c5 MeAsIAm
Interesting.
I liked the relationship between Jack and the boy. I guess the boy was obviously Will's son who has now offered Jack shelter in the slums.
Maximilian was nicely characterized. In the last chapter he gave off an aura of danger, but now, with trembling hands, he is surprisingly human.
Interesting.
I liked the relationship between Jack and the boy. I guess the boy was obviously Will's son who has now offered Jack shelter in the slums.
Maximilian was nicely characterized. In the last chapter he gave off an aura of danger, but now, with trembling hands, he is surprisingly human.
7/11/2010 c4 MeAsIAm
Love the chapter! I like how you slowly draw in a character and his surroundings. First the reader is unfamiliar with it, but by the time you have finished reading it, you know everything. I really like your characterization. :)
The comparison between the accents was really nice. Accents, like books and awkward situations are like keys to a man's personality. But they can also be misleading. :)
A name was powerful. It marked individuality.
- Wow, I like this. As long as you refer someone by a number, it becomes too unemotional and passionless. But once you know the name of a person, you feel 'connected' somehow.
Loved the end of the chapter, especially the use of the number. :)
Love the chapter! I like how you slowly draw in a character and his surroundings. First the reader is unfamiliar with it, but by the time you have finished reading it, you know everything. I really like your characterization. :)
The comparison between the accents was really nice. Accents, like books and awkward situations are like keys to a man's personality. But they can also be misleading. :)
A name was powerful. It marked individuality.
- Wow, I like this. As long as you refer someone by a number, it becomes too unemotional and passionless. But once you know the name of a person, you feel 'connected' somehow.
Loved the end of the chapter, especially the use of the number. :)
7/9/2010 c41 4lookingwest
Bwahahaha! Zared! I never liked him much, truthfully, I actually dislike him the most at the moment-probably not what you were aiming for, but so be it my opinion, haha. He's too like...I dunno...hero-like to me. Like he tries to be a hero but it's just annoying? Because he's not? I dunno if I can explain it well -_-
Good conversation here, I actually don't think I remember Zared and BD together for a conversation in a long time, so this was good for both of their character's, I think. I was surprised you when with that whole thing with Sheruna-but I was wary of her since last I saw her, I actually wish there was more detail about her character, maybe even BD's contacts, you know? It seems like she's the one most forgotten about.
I enjoyed the discussion of what to fight for, in this chapter, and I liked that BD mentioned there's two sides to the blade and everything, I thought that was quite the mature way to look at it, and I dunno, I'd probably side with him when it came down to everything after Jack's death. Just stay out of it, XD, this is a messy conflict, indeed. It's cool that you made it that way though, because here I can't help but feel for each side. And right now I'm feeling like Sheruna's going to die saving her lover, ect. Truthfully, you'll surprise me if you keep her alive, she seems to have lost her purpose on this side of the battle, which is the focus.
Nice edited chapter and everything, great dialogue, this relationship sure got spicier! :D
4lookingwestBwahahaha! Zared! I never liked him much, truthfully, I actually dislike him the most at the moment-probably not what you were aiming for, but so be it my opinion, haha. He's too like...I dunno...hero-like to me. Like he tries to be a hero but it's just annoying? Because he's not? I dunno if I can explain it well -_-
Good conversation here, I actually don't think I remember Zared and BD together for a conversation in a long time, so this was good for both of their character's, I think. I was surprised you when with that whole thing with Sheruna-but I was wary of her since last I saw her, I actually wish there was more detail about her character, maybe even BD's contacts, you know? It seems like she's the one most forgotten about.
I enjoyed the discussion of what to fight for, in this chapter, and I liked that BD mentioned there's two sides to the blade and everything, I thought that was quite the mature way to look at it, and I dunno, I'd probably side with him when it came down to everything after Jack's death. Just stay out of it, XD, this is a messy conflict, indeed. It's cool that you made it that way though, because here I can't help but feel for each side. And right now I'm feeling like Sheruna's going to die saving her lover, ect. Truthfully, you'll surprise me if you keep her alive, she seems to have lost her purpose on this side of the battle, which is the focus.
Nice edited chapter and everything, great dialogue, this relationship sure got spicier! :D