7/7/2010 c34 LilyWolfe
"she ripped a piece of frabric off her gown" - fabric.

"Claire pressed her fingers aaginst its chest" - against.

"blue wings fought agsint the grip of death" - against.

"Maximilian stiding up behind her." - striding?

"Claire closed his mouth " - his? is there something you're not telling us? ;)

"Yet the man did not speak and she had a distint feel that his eyes flickered..." - distinct feeling? and why would it only be a feeling? is she not looking at him? can she not see if he's looking at her curiously or not?

"She swallowed the rising nogstilia" - nostalgia?

I feel that the soldier's words are too vague. why is he so hesitant to say it? and what's up with the gazing at clare? (missing a "a" in that sentence).

perhaps a little more introspection from clare, or at least a little more detail as to the reactions/actions.

"He now knew what it was like to take a father to his son's deathbed. You felt guilty." - changing narrative here from third to second person. perhaps change it to just "guilty" or "he felt guilty".

"Zared's face was an inch to Jack's...breath." - it's such an important, moving line. it's too long and the emotion is lost a little. death is long, painful, that last breath is the hardest...its *almost* shown here...just needs it's own space, i think. give it more importance.

I like the wolf bit (you know how much i like wolf!) but that last line seems a little disconnected. Maybe includ him in the bit between zared and jack - in terms of his reaction to it...while zareds trying to be positive (evidence of his youth) i think it would be nice to have wolf's contrasting breakdown (showing his age)...yes...great chapter...death is so...hard but you done it well. I'm going to miss Jack. Lillian's going to fly off the handle!

7/6/2010 c40 6The Saturday Storytellers
Ah, good first paragraph - it has a restless feel to it.

"Who could he trust to stand in Jack's stead?" 'Trusted'?

I'm not sure I understood who Jack's killer was - sorry, but I'm just not seeing it.

And poor Lillian.

- From We Return Reviews.

7/6/2010 c38 The Saturday Storytellers
Right, time for me to get back to this. So...

On a more general note, I'd say that it's hard to know where this story is going to end - what it's aiming for. While the story isn't, in itself, bad, I'm not sure what the next big event is going to be so it's hard to feel a sense of continuity with this story.

The minutiae of the characters' interactions is fine, but I think there needs to be another note to all of this, a grander scheme. There's a real landscape of an idea going on: a revolution. But past that, there is no detail of what all of this is for.

So I'd say the story needs that. At the moment it feels very open-ended.

"...his face was an inch near hers." Should this be, 'an inch from hers'?

So Will's really struggling, there. It's a good thing he's got Pan to look after him - at this time in the story, I think he really needs someone to do his thinking for him. He's really not being rational, is he?

That makes me wonder just how much of a liability he might be to the resistance. This could cause him some real problems. That said, perhaps this is just what happens to somebody who has Will's history.

- From We Return Reviews.

7/6/2010 c41 Tawny Owl
WTF? Seriously WTF! I’m having a Star Wars moment. I don’t hate anybody, but I am chuckling to myself. It’s just a bit too random, and I can’t see why you’ve done it and what impact it will have on the plot except to freak out Zared. I do remember the locket from the stuff you sent me though so I’m guessing in the more recent drafts it wont be as far out of left field. And we’ll see if it influences Zared’s actions at show down time and whether it contributes to his mental state. Although it does have fall out on the BD as well with the whole ‘that is injustice’ remark. So, maybe I’m being won round….

WTF, though? Oh my god.

It was nice to see the brothers interacting without distractions though. It’s hard to get an angle on their relationship because they’ve spent so much time apart, or in larger groups. It was also nice to have an insight into the way the Black Dove thinks and why he chose to be a law unto himself. He did come across as a bit preachy though rather than an affectionate sibling. I think it was the ‘answer me Zeen’ that really clinched it for me – although considering they have grown up separately and that BD has constructed this loner super hero persona for himself that does make sense. And the sad but mocking smile made me think he was enjoying the revelation a bit too much. Some unresolved sibling rivalry there, maybe? And I think he enjoyed the news about Sheruna and Max too. All very interesting to see that Black saved Zeens life, and does care about him, but there are other more complex feelings there too.

The passionate feelings for Sheruna were kind of at odds with the impression you gave of them when Zared met Lilian too. I really am curious to see what happens when the two of them meet up again.

7/5/2010 c5 1esthaelum
I felt sorry for Will... It's good that Jack decided to help him. I have a feeling they'll grow to be good friends or something. I hope, anyway. I think you did a great job at writing out Will. I like his rage and anger. Very good~

Maximilian scares me... I hate how he's chasing after the innocent boy. I'd hate to think what he'd do to him once he gets him *shudders*.

6/29/2010 c3 21Sercus Kaynine
'Cold sweat formed at Jack's neck, at his forehead, his palms and he jerked up, away from the covers of his bed. He heard his heart pound hard, his breathing harsh in the quiet room. He quinted in the dark: there was nothing. It was a dream, just a dream.'

I think it would make more sense if it was 'on Jack's neck, forehead, and palms'. The 'at' sounds a bit odd. Also, I think you meant 'squinted'.

'The youth noticed his father seemed visibly older: there were lines on his shadowed face which he'd never thought there was and his hair seemed to be greying at the temples.'

Think you meant 'never thought there were'.

'It was boring though. He stared down at his feet drawing patterns in the dirt.'

Comma before 'though' and after 'feet'.

'He knew how she listen for each breath of his, to reassure herself that he was still there. He hoped that he would've need to leave her again, but if the fates would have it that way, then that would be the way.'

Think you meant 'listened' and 'wouldn't'.

:O Now I'm really curious as to who Jack really is. Either everyone who's not dirt poor is in danger, or he might be someone important. My imagination tells me he's like they king's nephew or something like that.

I noticed the birds again!

I'm curious about the girl too, of course. I feel her history and life will play a roll in this.

6/29/2010 c1 Sercus Kaynine
I liked how you started out with staccato, biting sentences. It snatched my attention and dragged me into the story. Your word choice and imagery throughout is awesome. From the beginning, words like 'skeletal', 'leaked', 'clinked' and 'clattered', 'wafted', 'facade'... it all created such a clear and active image of the setting. You use personification to your advantage a lot, too.

'Zeen did not see the gunman curse and shift his sights'

Forgot the period at the end of that sentence.

'The King slightly and Zeen noticed droplets of sweat coming of his brow, the way his chest heaved, the way his limbs jerked to steady himself by the chariot.'

The Kind did what slightly?

I'm glad you started off with a bang. Literally. It brought up the tension level right away.

The second half really got me into the story, though. There, I learned more about the world you've created and a bit about the people who inhabit it. I'm more attached to Rags and Black now because I haven't really gotten a chance to know Zeen or the Princess. Also, I like how you keep coming back to the birds. They seem like a constant of some sort.