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for Children of Winata

6/2/2011 c37 99Dreamers-Requiem
Short, but lovely. I really like the way you explain the relationship between the three here, and it makes complete sense following from what we know of them already. I'm glad things between them are sort of cleared up now, with Black Dove's explanation of not looking on her as a wife, how he just wants to be there for Silent One and there for Pan as a friend. Great stuff, Narq.
5/28/2011 c36 Dreamers-Requiem
I'm going to answer one of the questions from the A/N, mainly because I feel that by this point, you'll have sorted out the others. Lillian's swearing is fine. I think it works - it doesn't read like you've put it in there for the sake of having it there, it's very much a fundamental part of her character. As for this chapter overall, I really liked it. I do feel like Zared is getting a bit more 'screen-time', and I think the amount he has had so far works. You show the emotions of both characters really well, and I like how they almost compliment each other. I really like how you wrote Zared's cluelessness on how to comfort a crying woman; it's something I can imagine him being very not used to, so good job with that. Yeah, great chapter, basically.
5/21/2011 c35 Dreamers-Requiem
Part of me really wants to take Will and just slap him until he comes to his senses. I think you've written the aftermath really well, although, and I think another reader pointed this out, I'd expect there to be kind of more pauses, more silences. Right now, we're only getting what the characters are saying, when it could be combined with how they're feeling? Also, between the scene Pan, Zared and the Black Dove, maybe have an indicater of the scene changing?

Wolf and Captain digging the graves was quite an emotional scene, and I think you wrote it really well. Great job with that. I like how Wolf is trying to get different people to help Will; you can tell he does care for him, and the last few paragraphs are really powerfully done. Poor Wolf. Stupid Will! I hope he snaps out of this soon. Nicely done, as always.
5/16/2011 c34 Dreamers-Requiem
For the second chapter in a row, I have tears in my eyes. A very touching scene, and wonderfully written. I love how it's sort of about Jack, but from Wolf's pov, and the parts about Wolf's past really add to his character - a lot about him makes sense now, and none of it feels like it's been forced in there. The imagery of the magpie was great, and although it felt a bit short, I think the length matched the action. There were a few typos you might want to correct in the edit, but other than that, yeah, in case I haven't said it before, you're a very talented writer, Narq.
5/14/2011 c33 dreamersrequiem
Firstly; you made me cry. I can't believe you've done this. Especially with the final line; it was that one that made me choke up. Poor Captain. Poor Will, too! Overall, I think it was a great chapter - it was well written, and the emotions were conveyed perfectly. I loved the way you described Will's state of mind, and it worked really well. Great stuff, Narq, although you are evil.
5/4/2011 c32 Dreamers-Requiem
As always, a great chapter. Wait, Sheruna is sleeping with Max now? That's crazy! I think I remember that sort of thing being hinted at/suggested, but I think it might be a good idea to have it mentioned again just before this point, otherwise the start, here, has a bit of a random feeling. At some points, the flow seems stilted by maybe one or two words; [so it left a question mark around the matter.] could be "leaving a question mark..." and [One would have looked and said it was an animal, a shaggy, red pelted beast.] reads a bit awkwardly for me, maybe just have "howled his pain, a shaggy, red pelted beast" or something? Anyways! I can't believe you killed Marco! Really great scenes here, especially between Will and Max; I think you portrayed Max quite well, it's very inkeeping with the way you've developed his character throughout. Great stuff.
4/26/2011 c31 Dreamers-Requiem
I have a really, really bad feeling about this...I don't know, hatred is so uncontrollable and Will needs to be in control for this! A great chapter; you managed to make me feel sorry for every character involved, for completly different ways. Marco has a lot to handle with trying to help Will, Gleo is going through a lot of stuff that, it seems, he can't talk to anyone about and Will, well,just poor Will. Great reunion scene with Will and Gleo; I liked the conflicting emotions with the names, and as always you have a great balence between description and dialogue, and do a great job in describing the character's emotions in subtle ways.
4/13/2011 c30 Dreamers-Requiem
One thing I really love about this chapter are the animals - actually, I love the animals throughout the story, they really have their own sort of personalities and such, and you write them very well. I liked the relationship between Gleo and the dog, especially the comparison with being a lover.

Love Jack and Lillian, as always; their sort of semi-competitiveness works well, especially with her jealously on the women following Jack. Great stuff.

The last part read a little awkwardly for me - I don't know why. Maybe replace some of the 'Tomma's with 'the bear' or something, just to stop the repepition?

Aw no, Jack! Please tell me he's going to be OK! I love him as a character, and for something to happen now, with him and Lillian at such a good stage...that would just be awful!

Anyway, yeah, great stuff! Loving it as always.
4/6/2011 c29 Dreamers-Requiem
You (obviously) cannot hear this right now, but I am squealing. Anyway-The first bit was, simply, great. I loved the description of the dog, and the way the men interacted with it. It gives a lot of information without it being overloaded with it, an insight into what they're thinking and doing. And I love the way you use the animals throughout.

Aw, yay for Jack and Lilian. I love her; she's great, a really solid character and you've done well in keeping her character consistent throughout, so nice one with that. The interactions, again, worked brilliantly.

As for Will, the last bit worries me. I don't know why; I just have an uneasy feeling. Great stuff, as per usual.
3/28/2011 c28 Dreamers-Requiem
Although not much seems to happen here, I really like it for its character development. It works well - especially with Wolf. Nice job with that. Finally! I was wondering when Mars would act on his agreement with Max! I liked the interaction with Pan and Will - again, it worked well and I like the way you show Will's reserved nature. Bless - you can't help but like him. And I have to admit, I 'aw'ed at almost every mention of Silent One. Overall, a lovely chapter; great stuff.
3/14/2011 c27 Dreamers-Requiem
Nice chapter, although I do think this side of Wolf IS a bit too sudden - maybe have hints before, have him drop the name of a herb or something, previously? Nothing major but something that hints towards what he really wants to do. I love Will - as always, the characterisation works so well and it really helps keep the pace of the story up. Dialogue was good, description was good. I did notice one slightly awkward sentence end -

[and he named a couple of herbs and medicines Will had never heard.]

Maybe "heard of before"? Anyway, yeah, great stuff!
3/6/2011 c26 Dreamers-Requiem
Another great chapter. Loved Will, as always, even more so now. I want to see him and Pan have a proper romance scene, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed there is one here, somewhere. The Black Dove is awesome, and I love how he reacted to the idea that Will didn't know Captain was Jade's dad. Great stuff. The reactions, dialogue, action etc all work really well together. Loved it.
3/5/2011 c1 5thefaultinourpatronus
I really like this :D Especially the first line! But I just thought that maybe you should put a line breaker after it, seeing as it's not related? Dunno, that's just me.

The openings of a new paragraph were all amazing and had a really powerful impact. The word choice and vocab was brilliant as well. Emotions of the characters were portrayed nicely for the start of the story. I'll definitely read and review more of this in the future! (:

x mandy
2/26/2011 c25 99Dreamers-Requiem
Another great chapter, as usual. I like the way things slowly come together, the way you bring the characters together; it's done well, and the meeting between Will, the Black Dove and Zeen was kind of powerful, if that makes sense. You built it up well and I really liked the realistion Zeen went through that this is his brother. Good job there. The second half did well at showing Max's real thoughts and again, it's effective. Overall, a good chapter and yeah I think you're right, it is important. Loved it.
2/20/2011 c24 Dreamers-Requiem
That was a great chapter - the title of it fits perfectly. I really liked the second half - the emotions are so believable, and I found myself getting completly drawn in, as I always am, by Jack and Lillian's relationship. I have no critique for this; all I found myself thinking near the end, with the mention of the apples, is how it almost feels like we've seen these two grow together, and because of that sort of arc it makes it almost better for the reader to see this happen and it happened in a great way. I loved it. Great stuff.
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