for Children of Winata1/8/2010 c17 Brenda Agaro
And Zared's back again. And...did the Black Dove made his first appearance in the first chapter...Zared's brother? O_O
Good character interaction as always, even with Lillian and Jack.
And Zared's back again. And...did the Black Dove made his first appearance in the first chapter...Zared's brother? O_O
Good character interaction as always, even with Lillian and Jack.
1/8/2010 c16 Brenda Agaro
Good character interaction at the beginning. The only thing is that this sentence, "Already, he had disappeared in the bushes of _?", confused me. Is the underscore intentional?
I like how you're developing Pan in this chapter. The scene with her and Will was amusing and shows that she wants to help.
Personally, I feel that each character has their own personality and motives. So yes, they are all different. No cardboard characters here. :-)
Good character interaction at the beginning. The only thing is that this sentence, "Already, he had disappeared in the bushes of _?", confused me. Is the underscore intentional?
I like how you're developing Pan in this chapter. The scene with her and Will was amusing and shows that she wants to help.
Personally, I feel that each character has their own personality and motives. So yes, they are all different. No cardboard characters here. :-)
1/8/2010 c6 WutNow
Here from Roadhouse!
I just wanted to say that I really admired the way structured the whole chapter. The dialogue was very entertaining to read, especially because of the different dialects everyone has. The code was really interesting, though I thought it would be a more difficult code to break lol. And as for the break in the middle, I think it's unnecessary to put it there. Just continue it without the breaks :). Overall, fantastic job :).
-Agent
Here from Roadhouse!
I just wanted to say that I really admired the way structured the whole chapter. The dialogue was very entertaining to read, especially because of the different dialects everyone has. The code was really interesting, though I thought it would be a more difficult code to break lol. And as for the break in the middle, I think it's unnecessary to put it there. Just continue it without the breaks :). Overall, fantastic job :).
-Agent
1/3/2010 c18 
30sophiesix
Go BD! he is so awesome. if Will wasn't quite so awesome BD would be the most awesomest. you know, apart from Leol XD the cinah got awfully close there, these boys need to watch out!
30sophiesixGo BD! he is so awesome. if Will wasn't quite so awesome BD would be the most awesomest. you know, apart from Leol XD the cinah got awfully close there, these boys need to watch out!
1/3/2010 c18 Palm Tree
Ah. Yes. How much I adore Lillian. X3 She's gotten me all excited to see if Jack does go out and blow up the bridge. That said, I'm now curious as to what exactly Max has been up to since we've seen him last. It's been quite a while if I recall.
But, anyway, I'm still really excited about Zared being among them now. He's just like the final little piece that was needed and now I feel so confident that they're going to end up unstoppable once he proves his trustworthiness. It was also nice to have Zared explain what happened at the castle after the chapter that explained that cut off. And /that/ makes me wonder what's been going on with Sheruna! -nodnod- I'm curious about how the conversation between the Black Dove and Pan will go and everything. You handled the flow of the chapter very well overall. There were a few places (i.e. Marco with the pistol and Lillian grabbing Jack) that seemed to move a bit too quickly but I'm sure that was just me. The opening had some really nice descriptions and I loved the realism you attributed tho Jack and Pan's horseriding.
This is whole thing is just playing out very nicely and I'm loving every second of it. You're awesome, and I can't wait to see all of what happens next. Update soon! ^^-
Ah. Yes. How much I adore Lillian. X3 She's gotten me all excited to see if Jack does go out and blow up the bridge. That said, I'm now curious as to what exactly Max has been up to since we've seen him last. It's been quite a while if I recall.
But, anyway, I'm still really excited about Zared being among them now. He's just like the final little piece that was needed and now I feel so confident that they're going to end up unstoppable once he proves his trustworthiness. It was also nice to have Zared explain what happened at the castle after the chapter that explained that cut off. And /that/ makes me wonder what's been going on with Sheruna! -nodnod- I'm curious about how the conversation between the Black Dove and Pan will go and everything. You handled the flow of the chapter very well overall. There were a few places (i.e. Marco with the pistol and Lillian grabbing Jack) that seemed to move a bit too quickly but I'm sure that was just me. The opening had some really nice descriptions and I loved the realism you attributed tho Jack and Pan's horseriding.
This is whole thing is just playing out very nicely and I'm loving every second of it. You're awesome, and I can't wait to see all of what happens next. Update soon! ^^-
1/3/2010 c18 2Apoptosis
Okay, now Jack doesn't seem so evilish anymore. The evil vibe seems mostly gone, or perhaps I've just become more accustomed to his current personality. Something about him was givin' me the willies, anyway. Now that evilness seems to have transferred over to Marco, who apparently now has the authority to do as he pleases and go around making evil plots. How'd he get so important all of a sudden?
Wolf's not much on subtle, is he? He really seems to enjoy the "kick in the door, go in guns blazing, take no prisoners" lifestyle. Speaking of which, everyone seems suspiciously reluctant to trust Zeen. What might he be hiding?
Oh, and then there's the matter of a couple of typographical errors.
"Later, she [became] aware of Jack producing a bone whistle and blowing."
"she retorted, ignoring his hand and climbed to her [feet]."
2ApoptosisOkay, now Jack doesn't seem so evilish anymore. The evil vibe seems mostly gone, or perhaps I've just become more accustomed to his current personality. Something about him was givin' me the willies, anyway. Now that evilness seems to have transferred over to Marco, who apparently now has the authority to do as he pleases and go around making evil plots. How'd he get so important all of a sudden?
Wolf's not much on subtle, is he? He really seems to enjoy the "kick in the door, go in guns blazing, take no prisoners" lifestyle. Speaking of which, everyone seems suspiciously reluctant to trust Zeen. What might he be hiding?
Oh, and then there's the matter of a couple of typographical errors.
"Later, she [became] aware of Jack producing a bone whistle and blowing."
"she retorted, ignoring his hand and climbed to her [feet]."
1/2/2010 c13 Tawny Owl
abruptly stopped her sight seing - I liked that. It was a good way to sum up what she was doing/feeling.
I also liked the way that Jack never seems to be far from Will's thoughts. It's a nice touch of bromance.
abruptly stopped her sight seing - I liked that. It was a good way to sum up what she was doing/feeling.
I also liked the way that Jack never seems to be far from Will's thoughts. It's a nice touch of bromance.
1/2/2010 c12 Tawny Owl
I liked the way you dealt with Pan waking up, and her reaction to Will.
For a big, bad soldier boy he's turning out to be quite the innocent, isn't he? Maybe Pan should be the one to go gentle with him?
It does flesh him out though as we haven't really seen this more emotional side of him before. Not since his dad died anyway.
Pan seems to be getting more interesting too. Is she 20? I'm guessing she is and the 13 was because girls who cross dress tend to look younger as boys? she's clearly got an eventful history as well. It'll be interesting to see how it fits in with the plot, or if it's just the connection she has with the Black Dove. You seem to like your girls having mystery behind them. Lillian seems to be followed by something similar.
I liked the Pan/Pandora comprimise. Very clever.
I liked the way you dealt with Pan waking up, and her reaction to Will.
For a big, bad soldier boy he's turning out to be quite the innocent, isn't he? Maybe Pan should be the one to go gentle with him?
It does flesh him out though as we haven't really seen this more emotional side of him before. Not since his dad died anyway.
Pan seems to be getting more interesting too. Is she 20? I'm guessing she is and the 13 was because girls who cross dress tend to look younger as boys? she's clearly got an eventful history as well. It'll be interesting to see how it fits in with the plot, or if it's just the connection she has with the Black Dove. You seem to like your girls having mystery behind them. Lillian seems to be followed by something similar.
I liked the Pan/Pandora comprimise. Very clever.
1/2/2010 c11 Tawny Owl
Sorry, I'm so behind again...work, uni stuff, blah, blah. Anyway...
Woah, Will has already been kidnapped by the Cinah, and then pirates. That happened quick. I had to go back in case I thought I'd missed something.
Pan is an interesting addition to the cast. Not quite as rough and ready as the rest, and it feels like he's going to bring a different perspective to things. I did love Will's oh my god it's a girl what do I do moment. It was kind of sweet and a bit like what an idiot: I'll check her for breasts? Really? You need to write him a girlfriend - or maybe you just did?
Sorry, I'm so behind again...work, uni stuff, blah, blah. Anyway...
Woah, Will has already been kidnapped by the Cinah, and then pirates. That happened quick. I had to go back in case I thought I'd missed something.
Pan is an interesting addition to the cast. Not quite as rough and ready as the rest, and it feels like he's going to bring a different perspective to things. I did love Will's oh my god it's a girl what do I do moment. It was kind of sweet and a bit like what an idiot: I'll check her for breasts? Really? You need to write him a girlfriend - or maybe you just did?
12/30/2009 c17 5CuriousContradiction
Great chapter!
Ahh, so many characters. Tough to keep track of, but I think you've done a good job with developing their characters. At first, I was going to say that this chapter needed a little more action, but then I realized that at the heart of every story is the characters (or maybe the plot. I'm not sure. It's debatable), and it was important to flesh them out a bit. I think you've definitely accomplished that through their interactions in this chapter. Lillian cracks me up with her reaction to Battlemaid. I don't want to sound mean or anything, but even though last time I said you used cuss words effectively, this time, I think it would help if you read it aloud in your head because some parts seem a bit forced. I understand that she's mad so it makes sense to have the curse words there, but I think maybe you just need to place the cuss words in different places for a better and more natural flow.
Happy New Year, wherever you are! :)
5CuriousContradictionGreat chapter!
Ahh, so many characters. Tough to keep track of, but I think you've done a good job with developing their characters. At first, I was going to say that this chapter needed a little more action, but then I realized that at the heart of every story is the characters (or maybe the plot. I'm not sure. It's debatable), and it was important to flesh them out a bit. I think you've definitely accomplished that through their interactions in this chapter. Lillian cracks me up with her reaction to Battlemaid. I don't want to sound mean or anything, but even though last time I said you used cuss words effectively, this time, I think it would help if you read it aloud in your head because some parts seem a bit forced. I understand that she's mad so it makes sense to have the curse words there, but I think maybe you just need to place the cuss words in different places for a better and more natural flow.
Happy New Year, wherever you are! :)
12/30/2009 c17 30sophiesix
aw, jack and Lills, BD and the bub, BD and Zared... so much aw factor here XD loved the beginning bit with Zared dying, that was really hardhitting/clearcut/evocative/fresh/justplaingood. Hope Jack and Lill get a moment soon! :D
30sophiesixaw, jack and Lills, BD and the bub, BD and Zared... so much aw factor here XD loved the beginning bit with Zared dying, that was really hardhitting/clearcut/evocative/fresh/justplaingood. Hope Jack and Lill get a moment soon! :D
12/28/2009 c4 40Jareth the Monk
At first I would have said to split up the chapters where the time jumps forward by a year, but after re-reading it I think it works as is, for the most part. But you may want to include a couple of descriptive paragraphs about some major highlights of the invasion over a year's time, and how much different everyday life is now compared to then. Maybe talk about how much training Will put himself through in his dedication to seeking vengeance against Max. Also, there should be martial law in place, and foreign soldiers everywhere. After all, I can't believe the invaders just packed up and went home. I caught no grammatical errors.
40Jareth the MonkAt first I would have said to split up the chapters where the time jumps forward by a year, but after re-reading it I think it works as is, for the most part. But you may want to include a couple of descriptive paragraphs about some major highlights of the invasion over a year's time, and how much different everyday life is now compared to then. Maybe talk about how much training Will put himself through in his dedication to seeking vengeance against Max. Also, there should be martial law in place, and foreign soldiers everywhere. After all, I can't believe the invaders just packed up and went home. I caught no grammatical errors.
12/28/2009 c17 13Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu
Well, basically I can't say whether this chapter is transitonal or filler in nature, but I think it would be better if you can develope a certain amount of depth in the Black Dove's feelings towards Zared. What you've done here was pretty much superficial and I'm actually hoping for something more detailed given the fact that you've done quite a bit on character focus in the past. But anyway, I wonder what will happen to Zared next. And it seems that all the vital characters are tied together now, which makes for interesting reading in the future. All in all a reasonable chapter, but not the best I've seen from you here due to the issues I've raised here. Sorry if this review sounds harsh. I got hit by a bout of shitty footballing luck just now. :S
13Tsumujikaze no SoujutsuWell, basically I can't say whether this chapter is transitonal or filler in nature, but I think it would be better if you can develope a certain amount of depth in the Black Dove's feelings towards Zared. What you've done here was pretty much superficial and I'm actually hoping for something more detailed given the fact that you've done quite a bit on character focus in the past. But anyway, I wonder what will happen to Zared next. And it seems that all the vital characters are tied together now, which makes for interesting reading in the future. All in all a reasonable chapter, but not the best I've seen from you here due to the issues I've raised here. Sorry if this review sounds harsh. I got hit by a bout of shitty footballing luck just now. :S
12/27/2009 c17 2Apoptosis
Oh my gosh, Black Dove and Black (Zared's brother from chap 1) are the same person? I didn't see that coming until this chapter, although going by "Blackie" was kind of a hint at it before you came out and revealed it by saying he was his brother. I suppose that there are no coincidences...
“You look like you’ve fucking seen a ghost.” Would it not sound a bit better as "seen a fucking ghost"? By the way, good reunion for these guys; I was starting to feel awful sorry for Jack (and suspect he was turning EVIL!). And yet, despite having such a strong and unaffectionate female lead here, it didn't feel terribly out of character. A little bit, maybe.
"and then Jack eased his mouth open and his vision was blocked by the man’s body." Sort of hard to tell what's going on. Both instances of "his" have unclear referents, apparently referring to "Jack".
2ApoptosisOh my gosh, Black Dove and Black (Zared's brother from chap 1) are the same person? I didn't see that coming until this chapter, although going by "Blackie" was kind of a hint at it before you came out and revealed it by saying he was his brother. I suppose that there are no coincidences...
“You look like you’ve fucking seen a ghost.” Would it not sound a bit better as "seen a fucking ghost"? By the way, good reunion for these guys; I was starting to feel awful sorry for Jack (and suspect he was turning EVIL!). And yet, despite having such a strong and unaffectionate female lead here, it didn't feel terribly out of character. A little bit, maybe.
"and then Jack eased his mouth open and his vision was blocked by the man’s body." Sort of hard to tell what's going on. Both instances of "his" have unclear referents, apparently referring to "Jack".
12/27/2009 c17 6Devil's Playground
YAY, YAY. I was so ridiculously excited to see that this had been updated. :D And such a great update it was! Even though my two favorite boys weren't here, I love all of your characters so much that it still kept me thoroughly entertained the whole way through. Lillian is quickly joining my favorites list, as well. She's so charming in her own vulgar, harsh way.
And Lillian's scene with Jack was so cute! I absolutely adore them as a couple. They're such totally different characters, and yet I can see how they'd fit together so well despite that. And although I'd love to see the two of them together, I also like how Lillian stays in character and isn't totally giving in.
I'm so happy to see that Zared is with the others, and I can't wait to see how he interacts with everybody. And is the Black Dove his (half) brother! I went back to the first chapter because I semi-remembered and was like OHH YEAHH THEY CALLED HIM BLACK. And nyahh, Black Dove was so adorable with the baby, by the way.
An error I caught: “I’ve given him a bit of water,” offered the first rebel - there's no period at the end of the sentence! And, that's the only typo I saw. There were also a couple of sentences with kinda awkward structures. For example: "The Black Dove moved in, bringing the child closer to his heart with one hand and with the other, groped for his dagger." I think that would be more effective split into two sentences. But aside from minor things like that, I don't see anything to comment on for improvement.
I'm so looking forward to the next update already! :D
6Devil's PlaygroundYAY, YAY. I was so ridiculously excited to see that this had been updated. :D And such a great update it was! Even though my two favorite boys weren't here, I love all of your characters so much that it still kept me thoroughly entertained the whole way through. Lillian is quickly joining my favorites list, as well. She's so charming in her own vulgar, harsh way.
And Lillian's scene with Jack was so cute! I absolutely adore them as a couple. They're such totally different characters, and yet I can see how they'd fit together so well despite that. And although I'd love to see the two of them together, I also like how Lillian stays in character and isn't totally giving in.
I'm so happy to see that Zared is with the others, and I can't wait to see how he interacts with everybody. And is the Black Dove his (half) brother! I went back to the first chapter because I semi-remembered and was like OHH YEAHH THEY CALLED HIM BLACK. And nyahh, Black Dove was so adorable with the baby, by the way.
An error I caught: “I’ve given him a bit of water,” offered the first rebel - there's no period at the end of the sentence! And, that's the only typo I saw. There were also a couple of sentences with kinda awkward structures. For example: "The Black Dove moved in, bringing the child closer to his heart with one hand and with the other, groped for his dagger." I think that would be more effective split into two sentences. But aside from minor things like that, I don't see anything to comment on for improvement.
I'm so looking forward to the next update already! :D