for Children of Winata12/11/2010 c51 
6The Saturday Storytellers
"Zared struck, trying to gouge Maximilian's eye out." Ah, we're back to this battle! This opening paragraph works very well. The abstract quality, the speed, the flashes of sensation and sight and fear, they all work very well.
"The golden thread of needle and silk formed the letter V., for victory.
" On a flag or on his uniform?
I'm not sure whose POV this scene is coming from, but I feel it needs to be decided and then that person's knowledge, ignorance and assumptions need to be used to give a slightly clearer picture of what's going on.
"Instead of running towards sanctuary, Lillian shouldered herself against the man who constrained Thomson." Good gal! Now I'm seeing her biding her time, fighting with timing as a warrior should! This is Lillian at her best - violent but calculated!
Actually, seeing a Cinah being so awfully controlled, so unused to disobedience and spontaneous action, is refreshing. This is what caused the conflict all the way through and this is the first time I've seen it for myself. All I've really seen has been Winatans, battle and defectors. So I'm interested to see this.
There's a real intensity to the ending scene and you handled it well.
I think Will's hesitation is going to be lethal in this situation. By hesitating, I think he's lost his chance. But there's going to be some kicking off as a result of his attempt to kill...
- From We Return Reviews.
6The Saturday Storytellers"Zared struck, trying to gouge Maximilian's eye out." Ah, we're back to this battle! This opening paragraph works very well. The abstract quality, the speed, the flashes of sensation and sight and fear, they all work very well.
"The golden thread of needle and silk formed the letter V., for victory.
" On a flag or on his uniform?
I'm not sure whose POV this scene is coming from, but I feel it needs to be decided and then that person's knowledge, ignorance and assumptions need to be used to give a slightly clearer picture of what's going on.
"Instead of running towards sanctuary, Lillian shouldered herself against the man who constrained Thomson." Good gal! Now I'm seeing her biding her time, fighting with timing as a warrior should! This is Lillian at her best - violent but calculated!
Actually, seeing a Cinah being so awfully controlled, so unused to disobedience and spontaneous action, is refreshing. This is what caused the conflict all the way through and this is the first time I've seen it for myself. All I've really seen has been Winatans, battle and defectors. So I'm interested to see this.
There's a real intensity to the ending scene and you handled it well.
I think Will's hesitation is going to be lethal in this situation. By hesitating, I think he's lost his chance. But there's going to be some kicking off as a result of his attempt to kill...
- From We Return Reviews.
12/11/2010 c50 The Saturday Storytellers
"Why are you here?" Will demanded." Firstly, there's a quotation mark missing. Secondly, this feels like a bit of an unexpected shift from the end of the last chapter. I understand if you don't want to resolve the fight between Zeen and Max immediately, but perhaps there needs to be a 'meanwhile, elsewhere on the battle field...' type of interjection.
"In her eyes, Will read stark fear and naked powerlessness." From one of Lillian's bunch? o.O What's the matter?
"No-one saw the blood dripping from inside her sleeve down her fingernails.
" Not good... But I struggle to accept sentences like this, when nobody present knew of something but the author tells us about it anyway. I'm not sure how you'd convey this injury, but clearly it still needs to.
"...the three people tried to make out her words. Will shook his head. It was impossible." It would help keep this part smooth if the reader was shown how easy/difficult it is to understand what the woman is saying, I think. Are there half-words, and if so, what do they sound like? At the moment we've only got Will's word for it, and I feel that Will is quite impulsive, so may be rather defeatist about understanding her when perhaps she is reasonably comprehensible after all.
"But Gleo had started to run, shoving himself bodily up the slope the warrior woman had come from." The general is still a good soldier, eh? He's a strong one, is Gleo.
Oh. Ships. Can I guess that the Winatans are now hopelessly outnumbered?
"But already the anchors were down and like rats they infested the harbour.
" The timing of this sentence is good - it gives a feeling of the relentlessness, the inexorability of this latest invasion. That the watching Winatans are going to have to act quickly, and with great ingenuity, if they're going to fend them off. And that very likely, they won't be able to.
"It seemed so long ago now, when Jack had told him that. Or was it? The sea had not changed. The mountains had not changed." I'm not sure what you're driving at by mentionoing the sea and mountains, although I get the impression it's scenery to back up the emotion of the moment.
"He would be forced back, but instead of panicking, he felt calm." Once you get to a certain point of panic, I think calm can descend. I'm glad to see it's come to Will here. The situation may be terrible, but it is only calm that will get them out of this situation. The scale of the problem and this potential seed of a solution feel very balanced together.
Ah, peace between these two. Good to see.
- From We Return Reviews.
"Why are you here?" Will demanded." Firstly, there's a quotation mark missing. Secondly, this feels like a bit of an unexpected shift from the end of the last chapter. I understand if you don't want to resolve the fight between Zeen and Max immediately, but perhaps there needs to be a 'meanwhile, elsewhere on the battle field...' type of interjection.
"In her eyes, Will read stark fear and naked powerlessness." From one of Lillian's bunch? o.O What's the matter?
"No-one saw the blood dripping from inside her sleeve down her fingernails.
" Not good... But I struggle to accept sentences like this, when nobody present knew of something but the author tells us about it anyway. I'm not sure how you'd convey this injury, but clearly it still needs to.
"...the three people tried to make out her words. Will shook his head. It was impossible." It would help keep this part smooth if the reader was shown how easy/difficult it is to understand what the woman is saying, I think. Are there half-words, and if so, what do they sound like? At the moment we've only got Will's word for it, and I feel that Will is quite impulsive, so may be rather defeatist about understanding her when perhaps she is reasonably comprehensible after all.
"But Gleo had started to run, shoving himself bodily up the slope the warrior woman had come from." The general is still a good soldier, eh? He's a strong one, is Gleo.
Oh. Ships. Can I guess that the Winatans are now hopelessly outnumbered?
"But already the anchors were down and like rats they infested the harbour.
" The timing of this sentence is good - it gives a feeling of the relentlessness, the inexorability of this latest invasion. That the watching Winatans are going to have to act quickly, and with great ingenuity, if they're going to fend them off. And that very likely, they won't be able to.
"It seemed so long ago now, when Jack had told him that. Or was it? The sea had not changed. The mountains had not changed." I'm not sure what you're driving at by mentionoing the sea and mountains, although I get the impression it's scenery to back up the emotion of the moment.
"He would be forced back, but instead of panicking, he felt calm." Once you get to a certain point of panic, I think calm can descend. I'm glad to see it's come to Will here. The situation may be terrible, but it is only calm that will get them out of this situation. The scale of the problem and this potential seed of a solution feel very balanced together.
Ah, peace between these two. Good to see.
- From We Return Reviews.
12/11/2010 c49 The Saturday Storytellers
"Three horses raced in three different directions: each on a mission." My first vision of this was three horses running in the same direction. When you say they're going in different directions, that needed a rethink. It's only one sentence, and quite a short one, but I think it could be built up and amended quite a lot to allow a smoothness to the reader's thought process.
Nice concept, though.
"This was the last, but the role it played was no less than the two before." This was the last what? I'm guessing you mean last mission, but there are three last missions going on here, if that's what you mean.
"The air reeked of blood..." I bet that stinks, actually. Also: Pan again! When was the last time we saw her? Ages ago, I think!
"Dawn licked the landscape, the red of the sun bathing the earth. Echoes of battle came loud into her ears." Very pretty imagery, this.
""You're not a murderer," she whispered." An appeal to character :P She's either influencing him or manipulating him here - somewhere between the two, I think - but then, she has to work quickly to stop Will from killing Gleo. I think she had to. But it is good to see her being shrewd!
So Black sees Zeen fight for his life and is saddened to see Zeen kill a man, then ernestly try to kill a second. You say that Black feels this has to stop as Zeen has gone mad. But I feel there's a bit of cognition missing here. I'm not surprised that Black is saddened to see his own flesh and blood kill regardless of the circumstances, but Zeen is fighting for his life, here. If Zeen looks like he doesn't care that he's killing someone, or looks like he's actively enjoying it, or if he's being unfairly aggressive towards the second man (who you did say, after all, is injured) then I can see Black wanting to intervene, but I'm not quite getting the full picture of exactly why Black wants to stop Zeen.
""And missed the chance to take my revenge on the Cinah?" Zeen shot back." Should be 'miss'?
When the rain starts, I'm not sure whether you're using it to imply the beginning of a storm between Zeen and Black, or whether one or both begin to feel morose over the mess all of this has come to.
"The red faded into a shallow dull pink, and there it remained." This sentence does help answer my question, though!
This chapter ends with a fantastic cliffhanger!
- From We Return Reviews.
"Three horses raced in three different directions: each on a mission." My first vision of this was three horses running in the same direction. When you say they're going in different directions, that needed a rethink. It's only one sentence, and quite a short one, but I think it could be built up and amended quite a lot to allow a smoothness to the reader's thought process.
Nice concept, though.
"This was the last, but the role it played was no less than the two before." This was the last what? I'm guessing you mean last mission, but there are three last missions going on here, if that's what you mean.
"The air reeked of blood..." I bet that stinks, actually. Also: Pan again! When was the last time we saw her? Ages ago, I think!
"Dawn licked the landscape, the red of the sun bathing the earth. Echoes of battle came loud into her ears." Very pretty imagery, this.
""You're not a murderer," she whispered." An appeal to character :P She's either influencing him or manipulating him here - somewhere between the two, I think - but then, she has to work quickly to stop Will from killing Gleo. I think she had to. But it is good to see her being shrewd!
So Black sees Zeen fight for his life and is saddened to see Zeen kill a man, then ernestly try to kill a second. You say that Black feels this has to stop as Zeen has gone mad. But I feel there's a bit of cognition missing here. I'm not surprised that Black is saddened to see his own flesh and blood kill regardless of the circumstances, but Zeen is fighting for his life, here. If Zeen looks like he doesn't care that he's killing someone, or looks like he's actively enjoying it, or if he's being unfairly aggressive towards the second man (who you did say, after all, is injured) then I can see Black wanting to intervene, but I'm not quite getting the full picture of exactly why Black wants to stop Zeen.
""And missed the chance to take my revenge on the Cinah?" Zeen shot back." Should be 'miss'?
When the rain starts, I'm not sure whether you're using it to imply the beginning of a storm between Zeen and Black, or whether one or both begin to feel morose over the mess all of this has come to.
"The red faded into a shallow dull pink, and there it remained." This sentence does help answer my question, though!
This chapter ends with a fantastic cliffhanger!
- From We Return Reviews.
12/6/2010 c14 8Kobra Kid
Chapter 18: fabulous ending! I love cutting chapters off just when the action is about to begin, and then leaving them craving for the next chapter. You do very well with that. (:
Lillian was a great choice to chose for perspective. She has a strong, booming narrator's voice, and I like her. I also like how she called him Jack instead of Jade, but others were the other way around. It dos get confusing sometimes, however.
Chapter 19: I like the Black Dove person. Adds more mystery to the plot. You had great descriptions throughout the chapter. Great job as usual!
-Kobra Kid
8Kobra KidChapter 18: fabulous ending! I love cutting chapters off just when the action is about to begin, and then leaving them craving for the next chapter. You do very well with that. (:
Lillian was a great choice to chose for perspective. She has a strong, booming narrator's voice, and I like her. I also like how she called him Jack instead of Jade, but others were the other way around. It dos get confusing sometimes, however.
Chapter 19: I like the Black Dove person. Adds more mystery to the plot. You had great descriptions throughout the chapter. Great job as usual!
-Kobra Kid
12/6/2010 c52 2daydee
wow! that was a great ending! loved it! keep on writing. waiting for your next fic.
2daydeewow! that was a great ending! loved it! keep on writing. waiting for your next fic.
12/5/2010 c52 30sophiesix
“s or l– did it matter? He'd lost them both.” So Good!
This pretty much had me caught from begining to end. The pace and tension were great - really gripping. I think you need to do a titch more slow down at the end though? Dunno, but there's 50 chapters of story to conclude, and a few paras, though they are beautiful paras, doesn't seem to do it enough justice? maybes it just me not wanting to let the characters go. Damn Pan and her kiss. She deserves it, but I'm still jealous. I feel for BD there.
But, I think you pulled off the whole Island's rejection of invaders really well. I believed, lol! and breathed a great sigh of relief.
oh, but i'm sad... sad that i won't be seeing these guys again... but kinda satisifed that they got an ending too, you know? and a good one. they deserved it ;)
congratulations!
30sophiesix“s or l– did it matter? He'd lost them both.” So Good!
This pretty much had me caught from begining to end. The pace and tension were great - really gripping. I think you need to do a titch more slow down at the end though? Dunno, but there's 50 chapters of story to conclude, and a few paras, though they are beautiful paras, doesn't seem to do it enough justice? maybes it just me not wanting to let the characters go. Damn Pan and her kiss. She deserves it, but I'm still jealous. I feel for BD there.
But, I think you pulled off the whole Island's rejection of invaders really well. I believed, lol! and breathed a great sigh of relief.
oh, but i'm sad... sad that i won't be seeing these guys again... but kinda satisifed that they got an ending too, you know? and a good one. they deserved it ;)
congratulations!
12/5/2010 c51 sophiesix
m, fight scene :D
"Blood spurted, spraying his face. Maximilian jerked backwards, a groan erupting. Zared twisted around, his hands wiping madly” repetitious structure
“and a deep seam” lurve that
“er jaw clenched, trying to block the noise. It is their fight. They want to do this.” Oh you aer good at making me get so frustrated with her. ACT, shaz! Act!
“Lillian.
Thomson.
Claire.”
Oh oh oh! D:
“They were all still.”
Oh, we’re in Black’s POV? Maybe could be clearer earlier? Oh hang on, no we’re not…. That’s ok, it’s a confusing scene ;)
“, and the man licked it, his tongue dabbing at the wound.” Maybe just “. The man’s tongue dabbed at the wound?”
“She felt Will's hand touch the pistol, his thumb trailing by her skin. “ oh love this. Love this whole para. *Shivers*
AWESOME ending! *nibbles fingernails*
m, fight scene :D
"Blood spurted, spraying his face. Maximilian jerked backwards, a groan erupting. Zared twisted around, his hands wiping madly” repetitious structure
“and a deep seam” lurve that
“er jaw clenched, trying to block the noise. It is their fight. They want to do this.” Oh you aer good at making me get so frustrated with her. ACT, shaz! Act!
“Lillian.
Thomson.
Claire.”
Oh oh oh! D:
“They were all still.”
Oh, we’re in Black’s POV? Maybe could be clearer earlier? Oh hang on, no we’re not…. That’s ok, it’s a confusing scene ;)
“, and the man licked it, his tongue dabbing at the wound.” Maybe just “. The man’s tongue dabbed at the wound?”
“She felt Will's hand touch the pistol, his thumb trailing by her skin. “ oh love this. Love this whole para. *Shivers*
AWESOME ending! *nibbles fingernails*
12/5/2010 c50 sophiesix
mm, pan and will... I'm jealous already! wish his eyes would sweep me...
oh my with teh woman runing down teh hill you've got me with my heart in my mouth, even though i know wahts going to happen!
“wondering if she had gone back in time before the time of her death." Took me a while to get this. you mean in terms of where her mind/mewmory spirit is, right?
“The words echoed in Will, like the blue magpies kyaking. The sky stilled around him, like a blanket cocooning him” wasn't keen on the double like, i think you can ditch the second one.
love teh imaeg of teh boats through teh rain :D
"We are children of Winata…" ah will, you get all the good lines ;)
Yay for unity! bring it awn!
mm, pan and will... I'm jealous already! wish his eyes would sweep me...
oh my with teh woman runing down teh hill you've got me with my heart in my mouth, even though i know wahts going to happen!
“wondering if she had gone back in time before the time of her death." Took me a while to get this. you mean in terms of where her mind/mewmory spirit is, right?
“The words echoed in Will, like the blue magpies kyaking. The sky stilled around him, like a blanket cocooning him” wasn't keen on the double like, i think you can ditch the second one.
love teh imaeg of teh boats through teh rain :D
"We are children of Winata…" ah will, you get all the good lines ;)
Yay for unity! bring it awn!
12/5/2010 c48 4lookingwest
Ack! SO frustrating! If only everyone could just get along o_o''. I liked the span of Gleo riding from camp to camp, but you made it seem like they weren't camped that far away from one another-maybe some sense of distance should be in the description to give us a better sense of location-are the camps different from one another in the way they're set up? Are their cultural differences to the way the camp is run? That sort of thing-it would have been nice to see a bit of detail there.
I liked seeing Gleo confront Will, it kind of sucks that Gleo considers Winata his home now, but they won't even have him and are sort of giving him the cold shoulder. I was almost surprsied at the coldness in Will's voice, but then, he's basically in the middle of a war, so there's a lot on his plate at the moment and his annoyance is in character. I liked that Gleo brought up his father because somehow, haha, it might get through his thick skull that he should take more care in deciding to fight against Cinah.
4lookingwestAck! SO frustrating! If only everyone could just get along o_o''. I liked the span of Gleo riding from camp to camp, but you made it seem like they weren't camped that far away from one another-maybe some sense of distance should be in the description to give us a better sense of location-are the camps different from one another in the way they're set up? Are their cultural differences to the way the camp is run? That sort of thing-it would have been nice to see a bit of detail there.
I liked seeing Gleo confront Will, it kind of sucks that Gleo considers Winata his home now, but they won't even have him and are sort of giving him the cold shoulder. I was almost surprsied at the coldness in Will's voice, but then, he's basically in the middle of a war, so there's a lot on his plate at the moment and his annoyance is in character. I liked that Gleo brought up his father because somehow, haha, it might get through his thick skull that he should take more care in deciding to fight against Cinah.
12/5/2010 c47 lookingwest
Loved the opening of this chapter, there was a flair of description there that some times isn't in your writing, and I thought it also had correlation with the original opening of the story that I read with the sound of horses hooves, I remember that's what really drew me to this story, so I like that this part hearkens back to that, and again, the description was well done.
Intense-ness! For a very short chapter, this packed a punch, for sure. I liked the developments and I'm glad that Black revleaed what Jack said about the bare-hands, that's awesome development I was looking for-I figured it had to be a Winatan but to hear it from him makes it more concrete. I really wonder who did it now...seriously, the bastard, XD. I loved Jack! I like his mother too, though, and I thought the part when she cried out upon learning his death was also a great description. It was also kind of cool how you had Black phasing out as the Winata fighters phased in, so that it ended the chapter in a really good place.
Loved the opening of this chapter, there was a flair of description there that some times isn't in your writing, and I thought it also had correlation with the original opening of the story that I read with the sound of horses hooves, I remember that's what really drew me to this story, so I like that this part hearkens back to that, and again, the description was well done.
Intense-ness! For a very short chapter, this packed a punch, for sure. I liked the developments and I'm glad that Black revleaed what Jack said about the bare-hands, that's awesome development I was looking for-I figured it had to be a Winatan but to hear it from him makes it more concrete. I really wonder who did it now...seriously, the bastard, XD. I loved Jack! I like his mother too, though, and I thought the part when she cried out upon learning his death was also a great description. It was also kind of cool how you had Black phasing out as the Winata fighters phased in, so that it ended the chapter in a really good place.
12/5/2010 c46 lookingwest
I really don't like Sheruna. She's whiny, and I can't believe she just shrinks from responsibility-she's not a good leader or role model at all, haha. In fact, it was a bit Mary Sue of her to suddenly get whatever she wanted just by turning on the water works to a man, it's almost manipulative of her too, she's just playing Gleo for what he wants-to ultimately see Max again. I really wish she was a stronger woman who wasn't so dependent on a man, and I really hope that some shit goes down that makes her less of the stereotype of a princess-dependent on a "true love" to keep her afloat. This chapter was paced well, but I didn't like the character content, if that makes any sense. It does make me want to read on though, just to see if Sheruna can really break out of that stereotyped mold once she's out on the battlefield and eventually fulfill her position as princess once again. I also wonder if she'll see Zeen.
I really don't like Sheruna. She's whiny, and I can't believe she just shrinks from responsibility-she's not a good leader or role model at all, haha. In fact, it was a bit Mary Sue of her to suddenly get whatever she wanted just by turning on the water works to a man, it's almost manipulative of her too, she's just playing Gleo for what he wants-to ultimately see Max again. I really wish she was a stronger woman who wasn't so dependent on a man, and I really hope that some shit goes down that makes her less of the stereotype of a princess-dependent on a "true love" to keep her afloat. This chapter was paced well, but I didn't like the character content, if that makes any sense. It does make me want to read on though, just to see if Sheruna can really break out of that stereotyped mold once she's out on the battlefield and eventually fulfill her position as princess once again. I also wonder if she'll see Zeen.
12/5/2010 c45 lookingwest
...to the Black dove.
-Edit: "Dove" should be capitalized
Hm, I feel that with this chapter there was some character development with Black Dove-a transition, into a newer him, because of the stripping of the "Dove" part of his name. I think it almost makes him more believable and realistic now, he now has an ordinary-like name, so it almost brings him up from a higher divine height of the "legendary" nickname. I thought that was cool. I also liked the re-introduction of Claire here, their dialogue and the part when she was like "let go of me" was cute, haha.
...to the Black dove.
-Edit: "Dove" should be capitalized
Hm, I feel that with this chapter there was some character development with Black Dove-a transition, into a newer him, because of the stripping of the "Dove" part of his name. I think it almost makes him more believable and realistic now, he now has an ordinary-like name, so it almost brings him up from a higher divine height of the "legendary" nickname. I thought that was cool. I also liked the re-introduction of Claire here, their dialogue and the part when she was like "let go of me" was cute, haha.
12/4/2010 c5 1Eiya Weathes
Jack's alive? I'll be doing my happy dance now.
There's nothing really there for me to critique. Darn you and your awesome writing style!
Anyway, love the chapter and I love the realistic, military feel you added.
- Amethyst Penn
~ This review is sponsored by The Roadhouse.
1Eiya WeathesJack's alive? I'll be doing my happy dance now.
There's nothing really there for me to critique. Darn you and your awesome writing style!
Anyway, love the chapter and I love the realistic, military feel you added.
- Amethyst Penn
~ This review is sponsored by The Roadhouse.
12/4/2010 c4 Eiya Weathes
[Even death was envious of his wife's beauty.]
- Love this line.
Anyway, overall, I find this as an intense chapter with a lot of interesting scenes. Once I started reading, I just couldn't stop. I guess, I was obsessed in finding out what's happening next. An amazing chapter with a steady and smooth flow. :)
- Amethyst Penn
~ This review is sponsored by The Roadhouse.
[Even death was envious of his wife's beauty.]
- Love this line.
Anyway, overall, I find this as an intense chapter with a lot of interesting scenes. Once I started reading, I just couldn't stop. I guess, I was obsessed in finding out what's happening next. An amazing chapter with a steady and smooth flow. :)
- Amethyst Penn
~ This review is sponsored by The Roadhouse.
12/4/2010 c3 Eiya Weathes
I like the description of the moon bear. Wait, he was in a crate? Wow.
[Jack frowned: he'd never seen the dogs react so casually towards a stranger before.]
- I like how you pointed out the reason.
[The voices dragged Jack from his thoughts and he stared down at a dog that was sniffing absentmindedly at his knee. He gathered his thoughts. "Well, it's just that another country is invading our land, and…y'know, our king might be overthrown," he said it somewhat casually, but the meaning of the words dropped like the moon bear dragging down a kill.]
- I love the comparison you used here. It's brilliant.
[Now his father was treating the boys as if they too, were also educated, as if they were equal. But they weren't. Jack knew how conscious they were of this fact, like a deer knowing they'd never outrun the moon bear.]
- Again with the moon bear simile, amazing.
Hm...the girl seems interesting. I'll be watching out for her.
- Amethyst Penn
~ This review is sponsored by The Roadhouse.
I like the description of the moon bear. Wait, he was in a crate? Wow.
[Jack frowned: he'd never seen the dogs react so casually towards a stranger before.]
- I like how you pointed out the reason.
[The voices dragged Jack from his thoughts and he stared down at a dog that was sniffing absentmindedly at his knee. He gathered his thoughts. "Well, it's just that another country is invading our land, and…y'know, our king might be overthrown," he said it somewhat casually, but the meaning of the words dropped like the moon bear dragging down a kill.]
- I love the comparison you used here. It's brilliant.
[Now his father was treating the boys as if they too, were also educated, as if they were equal. But they weren't. Jack knew how conscious they were of this fact, like a deer knowing they'd never outrun the moon bear.]
- Again with the moon bear simile, amazing.
Hm...the girl seems interesting. I'll be watching out for her.
- Amethyst Penn
~ This review is sponsored by The Roadhouse.