for Children of Winata10/24/2009 c8 
25KelaBelle
A couple of typos here and there in the story, but I intend to do that too. On to the good stuff, I like your characters and it's explanation, I'm liking the chappers you have done so far to. Storyline good to.
- Kelabelle.
25KelaBelleA couple of typos here and there in the story, but I intend to do that too. On to the good stuff, I like your characters and it's explanation, I'm liking the chappers you have done so far to. Storyline good to.
- Kelabelle.
10/24/2009 c8 13Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu
Well, I'm not too sure about the importance of this chapter, but surely you did well to highlight the fact that not every Cinah is a monster albeit I do believe the signs of war crimes is definitely there. Anyway, I will say woot on Zared's act of bravery and more or less, the dead cronies deserved their end albeit it will be interesting to imagine what kind of punishments will await the survivors. And I'm hoping to see Gleo as an important supporting cast here. I feel that he's just a random character in the beginning during the chapter on him and the senior Will, but after seeing this chapter, I've started to develope a certain expectation for him, so don't disappoint me here. ;) But I'm not too sure if you should do s scene where the taking of the palace is concerned. If you chose to make things stay this way, you can actually create a certain open ended imagination for the readers, but I think you coulfd have done well in doing a vital scene here so that the reader knew what was going on and actually feel for the downfall of the palace. In fact I wonder if Winata has actually fallen. Anyway, interesting chapter here and hope to see more. :)
13Tsumujikaze no SoujutsuWell, I'm not too sure about the importance of this chapter, but surely you did well to highlight the fact that not every Cinah is a monster albeit I do believe the signs of war crimes is definitely there. Anyway, I will say woot on Zared's act of bravery and more or less, the dead cronies deserved their end albeit it will be interesting to imagine what kind of punishments will await the survivors. And I'm hoping to see Gleo as an important supporting cast here. I feel that he's just a random character in the beginning during the chapter on him and the senior Will, but after seeing this chapter, I've started to develope a certain expectation for him, so don't disappoint me here. ;) But I'm not too sure if you should do s scene where the taking of the palace is concerned. If you chose to make things stay this way, you can actually create a certain open ended imagination for the readers, but I think you coulfd have done well in doing a vital scene here so that the reader knew what was going on and actually feel for the downfall of the palace. In fact I wonder if Winata has actually fallen. Anyway, interesting chapter here and hope to see more. :)
10/24/2009 c8 Brenda Agaro
I see that Zared is a bold character in this chapter. I actually like that - him being a hero for a good reason. Towards the end it got sad (with the letter), but I like how you execute and show.
-*-
Corrections/Feedback:
{“No sir.} I think there should be a comma after "No."
{“For the woman and child I just saved I am a hero.”} I think there should be a comma after "saved."
{Zared replied him,} "to" after "replied" (?).
{He tried to read the next few lines but couldn’t so he frowned and looked at the man.} I think there should be a comma before and after "but couldn't."
I see that Zared is a bold character in this chapter. I actually like that - him being a hero for a good reason. Towards the end it got sad (with the letter), but I like how you execute and show.
-*-
Corrections/Feedback:
{“No sir.} I think there should be a comma after "No."
{“For the woman and child I just saved I am a hero.”} I think there should be a comma after "saved."
{Zared replied him,} "to" after "replied" (?).
{He tried to read the next few lines but couldn’t so he frowned and looked at the man.} I think there should be a comma before and after "but couldn't."
10/24/2009 c8 5CuriousContradiction
Aw. That part about how Gleo's wife can't be with him anymore was really sad. It reminded me of "The Great Gatsby" when Daisy leaves Gatsby for Tom.
I thought you did a good job conveying the tenseness between Gleo and Zared.
One thing that I'd change about this is remembering to italicize thoughts. I mean... yeah, you can definitely make your stylistic choices as an author, but unless you have a specific reason for leaving them un-italicized, it just makes your reader go, "Wait, wasn't that supposed to be italicized?" haha.
For example:
Did they number their soldiers like prisoners in a jail? Zared wondered.
His heart ached. Sheruna. Was she alright? What was she doing now?
In the second example, I thought only "Sheruna" really needed to be italicized, so I'm not saying that every single thought needs italicization, but some definitely do.
Go Zared! :)
And great chapter, as always.
5CuriousContradictionAw. That part about how Gleo's wife can't be with him anymore was really sad. It reminded me of "The Great Gatsby" when Daisy leaves Gatsby for Tom.
I thought you did a good job conveying the tenseness between Gleo and Zared.
One thing that I'd change about this is remembering to italicize thoughts. I mean... yeah, you can definitely make your stylistic choices as an author, but unless you have a specific reason for leaving them un-italicized, it just makes your reader go, "Wait, wasn't that supposed to be italicized?" haha.
For example:
Did they number their soldiers like prisoners in a jail? Zared wondered.
His heart ached. Sheruna. Was she alright? What was she doing now?
In the second example, I thought only "Sheruna" really needed to be italicized, so I'm not saying that every single thought needs italicization, but some definitely do.
Go Zared! :)
And great chapter, as always.
10/21/2009 c7 Palm Tree
There was a missing comma ("The man hesitated, lowering his weapon[,] and Jack knew that he was scared.") as well as an unnecessary comma ("He saw in his friend’s eyes, surprise."), a missing space ("... Will scrambled away from Jack, staring at him as[ ]if he’d gone mad."), and an unnecessary “on” ("... he kept on babbling on."). At numerous points, the semicolons should have been commas (("He was not a very tall man, only about Jack’s height; clad in dark green and brown; he was made to blend into the forest.") ("His voice was rather harsh, Jack decided; demanding, suspicious and disrespectful.")) and once a colon should have been a semicolon ("He’d never known what those numbers meant: had the Cinah so little regard for individuality?"). Also, I wonder if in the line ("... tilting his head aside as he tried to make out the scribbled words on the paper.") you meant “to the side” rather than “aside”.
This was indeed a longer chapter but I thought the length very much appropriate and appreciated it as it allowed for more detailed scenes. Overall, I thought that this was a great depiction of a first battle graced with beginner’s luck and I’m sure to see precisely what the results will be. In all seriousness, I love Jack. Again, he’s definitely my favorite and I adore reading of him. I’m also excited about the implications between him and the mysterious girl. I love her as well since I easily admire those who do things with such talent and yet are so dignified they don’t feel inclined to leave the background. Well, she’s not the picture of idealized dignity but partly that’s why I like her so much. ;D I enjoyed reading Will’s speech scene since it was quite meaningful and the “dirt” humor made me giggle. Really, it was a wonderful chapter with a sobering end and I can’t wait to read the next! 8DD
There was a missing comma ("The man hesitated, lowering his weapon[,] and Jack knew that he was scared.") as well as an unnecessary comma ("He saw in his friend’s eyes, surprise."), a missing space ("... Will scrambled away from Jack, staring at him as[ ]if he’d gone mad."), and an unnecessary “on” ("... he kept on babbling on."). At numerous points, the semicolons should have been commas (("He was not a very tall man, only about Jack’s height; clad in dark green and brown; he was made to blend into the forest.") ("His voice was rather harsh, Jack decided; demanding, suspicious and disrespectful.")) and once a colon should have been a semicolon ("He’d never known what those numbers meant: had the Cinah so little regard for individuality?"). Also, I wonder if in the line ("... tilting his head aside as he tried to make out the scribbled words on the paper.") you meant “to the side” rather than “aside”.
This was indeed a longer chapter but I thought the length very much appropriate and appreciated it as it allowed for more detailed scenes. Overall, I thought that this was a great depiction of a first battle graced with beginner’s luck and I’m sure to see precisely what the results will be. In all seriousness, I love Jack. Again, he’s definitely my favorite and I adore reading of him. I’m also excited about the implications between him and the mysterious girl. I love her as well since I easily admire those who do things with such talent and yet are so dignified they don’t feel inclined to leave the background. Well, she’s not the picture of idealized dignity but partly that’s why I like her so much. ;D I enjoyed reading Will’s speech scene since it was quite meaningful and the “dirt” humor made me giggle. Really, it was a wonderful chapter with a sobering end and I can’t wait to read the next! 8DD
10/20/2009 c4 6Devil's Playground
Again, my only complaint is that the story is a little too fast-paced. But now I assume the time jumps are over, so hopefully the pacing will even out now.
So far, Will is my favorite character - I find him more relatable and likeable than Jack, simply because he's more flawed. But that's just me; I have weird taste in characters.
This is only getting more and more interesting, and the ending really left me wanting to read more!
6Devil's PlaygroundAgain, my only complaint is that the story is a little too fast-paced. But now I assume the time jumps are over, so hopefully the pacing will even out now.
So far, Will is my favorite character - I find him more relatable and likeable than Jack, simply because he's more flawed. But that's just me; I have weird taste in characters.
This is only getting more and more interesting, and the ending really left me wanting to read more!
10/20/2009 c3 Devil's Playground
The writing in this chapter is really powerful - you describe everything very well and beautifully, and it gives a heavy impact. The ending, especially, was great, and so sad. I love the way you built up suspense until the moment when Max would kill Will. The dialogue in this is also very good, and I like the way you've done the different dialects. Nicely done!
The writing in this chapter is really powerful - you describe everything very well and beautifully, and it gives a heavy impact. The ending, especially, was great, and so sad. I love the way you built up suspense until the moment when Max would kill Will. The dialogue in this is also very good, and I like the way you've done the different dialects. Nicely done!
10/20/2009 c2 Devil's Playground
You seem to have a complex storyline in mind already, which is cool. The more details, the better. Although it's an abrupt change from last chapter, separating the character introductions into different chapters does make it easier to get to know them and such. :) One thing I've noticed is that almost everyone in this story is... too nice, although that sounds weird. I mean, I'm not doubting that some wealthy people would be kind to those in the slums, but overall, most royal/rich people would look down on them. So far, almost no prejudice whatsoever has been shown, which I don't think is too realistic.
Still, though, this is really good. I haven't been noticing any conventional errors, and the writing is quite excellent.
You seem to have a complex storyline in mind already, which is cool. The more details, the better. Although it's an abrupt change from last chapter, separating the character introductions into different chapters does make it easier to get to know them and such. :) One thing I've noticed is that almost everyone in this story is... too nice, although that sounds weird. I mean, I'm not doubting that some wealthy people would be kind to those in the slums, but overall, most royal/rich people would look down on them. So far, almost no prejudice whatsoever has been shown, which I don't think is too realistic.
Still, though, this is really good. I haven't been noticing any conventional errors, and the writing is quite excellent.
10/20/2009 c1 Devil's Playground
Ooh, this is getting interesting already. It was a little fast-paced for a first chapter, introducing so many characters and ideas at once, but overall it managed to paint a good overall picture of the setting, which is nice. The idea of a beggar saving a princess' life isn't entirely original, but you pulled it off pretty well, and the idea of the Peacekeepers is unique and very intriguing.
I'm off to read more now, curious to see where this is going! :)
Ooh, this is getting interesting already. It was a little fast-paced for a first chapter, introducing so many characters and ideas at once, but overall it managed to paint a good overall picture of the setting, which is nice. The idea of a beggar saving a princess' life isn't entirely original, but you pulled it off pretty well, and the idea of the Peacekeepers is unique and very intriguing.
I'm off to read more now, curious to see where this is going! :)
10/19/2009 c1 109ADSpencer
When I first read the chapter title, Peacekeepers, I remembered the Peacekeepers on that sci-fi series, Farscape. (I'm not sure if you're familiar with it-it was canceled several years ago.) Seems like they're not so different, both groups going against the meaning of their names, haha.
Anyhow, sorry for getting off subject. This was a fantastic beginning. The first scene was completely engaging, and it hooked me within the very first paragraph. I like your choice to change scenes as well. It seems as if each scene develops on something from the previous scene. This was very well done.
Great chapter! I don't have any helpful criticism, unfortunately. But that's probably a good thing :D I'll have to read more of this story throughout this week. Thanks for sharing.
ADS, Roadhouse
109ADSpencerWhen I first read the chapter title, Peacekeepers, I remembered the Peacekeepers on that sci-fi series, Farscape. (I'm not sure if you're familiar with it-it was canceled several years ago.) Seems like they're not so different, both groups going against the meaning of their names, haha.
Anyhow, sorry for getting off subject. This was a fantastic beginning. The first scene was completely engaging, and it hooked me within the very first paragraph. I like your choice to change scenes as well. It seems as if each scene develops on something from the previous scene. This was very well done.
Great chapter! I don't have any helpful criticism, unfortunately. But that's probably a good thing :D I'll have to read more of this story throughout this week. Thanks for sharing.
ADS, Roadhouse
10/19/2009 c7 Brenda Agaro
I like the details you included during the character interaction, and even during the battle scene towards the end. The action was well executed - it didn't drag on. This was an amazing chapter, overall. Congrats again on the nomination! :D
-*-
Corrections/Feedback:
{Will wondered if his friend was trying to loose fat.} lose.
{“I know!” he gasped, and Will scrambled away from Jack, staring at him asif he’d gone mad.} as if.
{“No, young un’, no,” the man chortled.} I could be wrong, but I don't think "chortled" is a dialogue tag, so a period after "no."
{“Are you cowards!”} Unless it's intentional, I think there should be a question mark at the end.
I like the details you included during the character interaction, and even during the battle scene towards the end. The action was well executed - it didn't drag on. This was an amazing chapter, overall. Congrats again on the nomination! :D
-*-
Corrections/Feedback:
{Will wondered if his friend was trying to loose fat.} lose.
{“I know!” he gasped, and Will scrambled away from Jack, staring at him asif he’d gone mad.} as if.
{“No, young un’, no,” the man chortled.} I could be wrong, but I don't think "chortled" is a dialogue tag, so a period after "no."
{“Are you cowards!”} Unless it's intentional, I think there should be a question mark at the end.
10/19/2009 c7 13Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu
I can basically say that this chapter got to be the best in this story so far. Firstly on the improvments and I think there's only one. Basically, I feel that you could have define Jack's memories on Wise One since I doubt from what I've seen here, that dude don't really know Jack's father. Or maybe it's a memory of his father, Wolf and Wise One. I'm not too sure. You really need to define the memory flashback in a more detailed way.
Now for the good thing and that is, I like how you input a reality feel to this story albeit I'm pretty much surprised at how the invaders were beaten back. Will may be a good leader, but I doubt he's a pro in training people if my guess on his current age wasn't off the mark by a long shot. But then again, terrain can work wonders in warfare. Ever wondered why the Taliban is going strong at the Pakistani border of late? Also I don't think there's an advantage in numbers here for the Cinah as well. If there's anything to go by, chances are that they were the outnumbered side. Also I think I might consider Will as my favourite character here on the basis that his bravery and wits reminds me greatly of Zhao Yun of the Romance of the Three Kingdoms novel. Go read it if you haven't. If you like historical literature, you will love this awesome work of Chinese literature to bits. ;)
And I'm seeing a certain aspect in Will's character as well that can be pretty much interesting in the future, namely his bloodlust. I truly doubt it's a result of his hatred because if so, then he wouldn't lose his rationality in such an easy manner even though it's a kill or to be killed scenario. I know this is not a fantasy work, so I wonder if it's possible for Cinah to engage in some batshit crazy human enhancing experiment all the while. Eh I think I'm getting too high in my imagination here. :S But I'm really interested to see how this bloodlust will go about shaping Will as a character.
Another thing I think I need to say out is that you will have to relate the reality of war to the reader sooner or later and I mean it in the humane nature sense. What I've seen here was the fact that the defenders fought without a hint of hesitation where in fact, they have never known war in the reality sense. I truly think you need to do a part of the aftermath where the common psychology within them will be explored. To me, a person who never known war in a very real sense won't be able to operate at maximum efficiency when the moment of battle arrives.
As for Marco, I'm not too sure where you will go on him. He seems to have a good potential as part of the vital cast, but there's also a feel in him that he's not that significant to start with. If you want him to be a vital character, then quite obviously you will need to work on his perceived inferiority complex to make him much more real. If not, then I believe you might go on to make him into a comic relief or killing him off. For the former, I've got no comments, but if it's the latter, then I believ it will have a major impact on the vital cast especially Jack and WIll, which to me will be a good way to further the plot and characters. :)
13Tsumujikaze no SoujutsuI can basically say that this chapter got to be the best in this story so far. Firstly on the improvments and I think there's only one. Basically, I feel that you could have define Jack's memories on Wise One since I doubt from what I've seen here, that dude don't really know Jack's father. Or maybe it's a memory of his father, Wolf and Wise One. I'm not too sure. You really need to define the memory flashback in a more detailed way.
Now for the good thing and that is, I like how you input a reality feel to this story albeit I'm pretty much surprised at how the invaders were beaten back. Will may be a good leader, but I doubt he's a pro in training people if my guess on his current age wasn't off the mark by a long shot. But then again, terrain can work wonders in warfare. Ever wondered why the Taliban is going strong at the Pakistani border of late? Also I don't think there's an advantage in numbers here for the Cinah as well. If there's anything to go by, chances are that they were the outnumbered side. Also I think I might consider Will as my favourite character here on the basis that his bravery and wits reminds me greatly of Zhao Yun of the Romance of the Three Kingdoms novel. Go read it if you haven't. If you like historical literature, you will love this awesome work of Chinese literature to bits. ;)
And I'm seeing a certain aspect in Will's character as well that can be pretty much interesting in the future, namely his bloodlust. I truly doubt it's a result of his hatred because if so, then he wouldn't lose his rationality in such an easy manner even though it's a kill or to be killed scenario. I know this is not a fantasy work, so I wonder if it's possible for Cinah to engage in some batshit crazy human enhancing experiment all the while. Eh I think I'm getting too high in my imagination here. :S But I'm really interested to see how this bloodlust will go about shaping Will as a character.
Another thing I think I need to say out is that you will have to relate the reality of war to the reader sooner or later and I mean it in the humane nature sense. What I've seen here was the fact that the defenders fought without a hint of hesitation where in fact, they have never known war in the reality sense. I truly think you need to do a part of the aftermath where the common psychology within them will be explored. To me, a person who never known war in a very real sense won't be able to operate at maximum efficiency when the moment of battle arrives.
As for Marco, I'm not too sure where you will go on him. He seems to have a good potential as part of the vital cast, but there's also a feel in him that he's not that significant to start with. If you want him to be a vital character, then quite obviously you will need to work on his perceived inferiority complex to make him much more real. If not, then I believe you might go on to make him into a comic relief or killing him off. For the former, I've got no comments, but if it's the latter, then I believ it will have a major impact on the vital cast especially Jack and WIll, which to me will be a good way to further the plot and characters. :)
10/18/2009 c6 Palm Tree
One paragraph should be italicized as it is something of a flashback ("Darkness closing in on all hope. The air is stuffy. He fears the smoke will suffocate him even if the fire doesn’t get him. Fear… But no time to think what to do. He will not be burnt. The place is fireproof. Hands trembling so much he can’t even touch his own face."). Though, that’s the only suggestion I have.
I really like how everything’s sort of coming together and how the path which the boys must take is becoming more and more clear. The references to the past were fun to recall and I really like the whole bird system. Although I could mention that usually such codes are far more difficult to crack, I don’t think it’s something worth fretting over and I found it amusing that Marco was the one to see through it. I think Jack’s my favorite character because he’s so intellectual and calm like that. I also like Will because of his passion and Marco was rather cute as was the bird. I just wish that your chapters were longer so that I had more to say! But, to close, I hope you update soon! 8D
One paragraph should be italicized as it is something of a flashback ("Darkness closing in on all hope. The air is stuffy. He fears the smoke will suffocate him even if the fire doesn’t get him. Fear… But no time to think what to do. He will not be burnt. The place is fireproof. Hands trembling so much he can’t even touch his own face."). Though, that’s the only suggestion I have.
I really like how everything’s sort of coming together and how the path which the boys must take is becoming more and more clear. The references to the past were fun to recall and I really like the whole bird system. Although I could mention that usually such codes are far more difficult to crack, I don’t think it’s something worth fretting over and I found it amusing that Marco was the one to see through it. I think Jack’s my favorite character because he’s so intellectual and calm like that. I also like Will because of his passion and Marco was rather cute as was the bird. I just wish that your chapters were longer so that I had more to say! But, to close, I hope you update soon! 8D