for Children of Winata10/18/2009 c5 Palm Tree
The only thing I can mention as far as improvement is that there was a semicolon where there should have been a comma ("There was a moment when the earth held still; when everything was ablaze."). But, really, that was absolutely it.
On the actual chapter itself, it was a delight to return to the beggar boy and see how his life had been going since chapter one. To say this chapter was enjoyable would be an understatement. I loved Zared and Sheuna as a couple as they were just so adorable and perfect for one another. The dialogue was also just brilliant and quote worthy ("'A prince of paupers, maybe.'"). I felt bad for the King since its so obvious that he loves his daughter and is only holding on for her sake. Really, all your starring men are so noble! Zared took on the role of the most perfect boyfriend in the world ever when he pulled the princess together and reminded her of who she was and all that. He’s magical and I love him. I get the feeling that this invasion will allow him to save the King and win favor but one can never be too sure…
The only thing I can mention as far as improvement is that there was a semicolon where there should have been a comma ("There was a moment when the earth held still; when everything was ablaze."). But, really, that was absolutely it.
On the actual chapter itself, it was a delight to return to the beggar boy and see how his life had been going since chapter one. To say this chapter was enjoyable would be an understatement. I loved Zared and Sheuna as a couple as they were just so adorable and perfect for one another. The dialogue was also just brilliant and quote worthy ("'A prince of paupers, maybe.'"). I felt bad for the King since its so obvious that he loves his daughter and is only holding on for her sake. Really, all your starring men are so noble! Zared took on the role of the most perfect boyfriend in the world ever when he pulled the princess together and reminded her of who she was and all that. He’s magical and I love him. I get the feeling that this invasion will allow him to save the King and win favor but one can never be too sure…
10/18/2009 c4 Palm Tree
Outgrowing is one word ("He was out growing his clothes...") and there were a few unnecessary commas here and there (ex. ("Was the dead man, the same one that had helped him?") ("'I know… I know…,' Jack murmured.")) I think that word “shielded” in the line ("... but it was comfy and shielded the wicked wind from slicing his skin.") should be changed to “prevented” so that the point that it is protecting him from the wind rather than protecting the wind is made clearer.
Although I think that the pace is a bit too fast, this is a very sweet story. There is good, realistic character portrayal and I love the contrast you’ve shown between Will and Jack. This chapter had an intense naming moment for Will and I enjoyed it immensely as it was just so… powerful. o.o I have to congratulate you on making Max more sympathetic as that’s something many authors wouldn’t think to do. Me personally being someone who likes to be able to sympathize with all characters of a story, I really appreciated the insight. The sentences ("A year could do that much. A year could turn him into another country’s person.") held a lot of truth and they stuck out to me for that reason. It was nice to have the girl mentioned again but I still wonder about Jack’s parents. The ominous end was also a good hook to pull me into the next chapter. ;D
Outgrowing is one word ("He was out growing his clothes...") and there were a few unnecessary commas here and there (ex. ("Was the dead man, the same one that had helped him?") ("'I know… I know…,' Jack murmured.")) I think that word “shielded” in the line ("... but it was comfy and shielded the wicked wind from slicing his skin.") should be changed to “prevented” so that the point that it is protecting him from the wind rather than protecting the wind is made clearer.
Although I think that the pace is a bit too fast, this is a very sweet story. There is good, realistic character portrayal and I love the contrast you’ve shown between Will and Jack. This chapter had an intense naming moment for Will and I enjoyed it immensely as it was just so… powerful. o.o I have to congratulate you on making Max more sympathetic as that’s something many authors wouldn’t think to do. Me personally being someone who likes to be able to sympathize with all characters of a story, I really appreciated the insight. The sentences ("A year could do that much. A year could turn him into another country’s person.") held a lot of truth and they stuck out to me for that reason. It was nice to have the girl mentioned again but I still wonder about Jack’s parents. The ominous end was also a good hook to pull me into the next chapter. ;D
10/18/2009 c6 
5CuriousContradiction
Ah, love love loved the dialogue in this. :)
Have I ever told you that you have excellent word choice? Because you totally do. All the verbs are spot on and show the reader so much.
I did like the note a lot, especially the 46 part (very clever), but the "w8" brought IM and texting to mind, so... I don't know. Maybe that could've been something else. I should probably provide an example of that "something else," but I can't think of one, haha. I guess... it's just better to stick with that sort of fantasy-fiction world rather than give us something that connotates reality in the Digital Age, you know?
Anyways, I said this already, but again, pretty clever clues and messages in this one. I also like that you're varying the lengths of the chapters. It keeps things interesting.
Great chapter! I hope to see more soon. :)
5CuriousContradictionAh, love love loved the dialogue in this. :)
Have I ever told you that you have excellent word choice? Because you totally do. All the verbs are spot on and show the reader so much.
I did like the note a lot, especially the 46 part (very clever), but the "w8" brought IM and texting to mind, so... I don't know. Maybe that could've been something else. I should probably provide an example of that "something else," but I can't think of one, haha. I guess... it's just better to stick with that sort of fantasy-fiction world rather than give us something that connotates reality in the Digital Age, you know?
Anyways, I said this already, but again, pretty clever clues and messages in this one. I also like that you're varying the lengths of the chapters. It keeps things interesting.
Great chapter! I hope to see more soon. :)
10/18/2009 c3 Palm Tree
In two sentences, the semicolons should be commas since they do not separate two complete thoughts (("'Friends when we were young; I remember when we were kids we were both easy to anger; fast to attack.'") ("At an early age, the boy was already a spitting image of himself: broad bulky shoulders and a great height; fierce blue eyes and auburn hair that refused to be tamed.")). Also, I think that the last part of the sentence ("He knew that it wasn’t just home Will was thinking about, but also his long dead wife, and his son.") should be removed since it is something easily implied by the the surrounding context.
This chapter had quite a few fragments and some consistently short sentences. Although it got a bit repetitive, it was clearly a stylistic choice so that the impact of what was being described could sink in. Your writing continues to impress me and I only wish that there was more of it. To elaborate, there was a lot of skipping and I can’t help but wish that more scenes were described and linked together rather than distanced by time and a break. Then again, that could easily have been because these scenes aren’t a key part of the story worth dedicating so much attention to. I can’t be sure. Will, like Jack’s father, seems like a good man and, despite my love of the corrupt, it’s actually quite a relief to read a story that has some good, noble characters. I’m guessing that Max is the villain? I’m also guessing that Jack and Will’s son will rise to oppose him for his crimes against them? The ending was deep and quite sad. The touch of a bird’s call was brilliant and the emphasis on the final word an excellent choice considering the event. Overall, a powerful chapter that did good to push forward the story.
In two sentences, the semicolons should be commas since they do not separate two complete thoughts (("'Friends when we were young; I remember when we were kids we were both easy to anger; fast to attack.'") ("At an early age, the boy was already a spitting image of himself: broad bulky shoulders and a great height; fierce blue eyes and auburn hair that refused to be tamed.")). Also, I think that the last part of the sentence ("He knew that it wasn’t just home Will was thinking about, but also his long dead wife, and his son.") should be removed since it is something easily implied by the the surrounding context.
This chapter had quite a few fragments and some consistently short sentences. Although it got a bit repetitive, it was clearly a stylistic choice so that the impact of what was being described could sink in. Your writing continues to impress me and I only wish that there was more of it. To elaborate, there was a lot of skipping and I can’t help but wish that more scenes were described and linked together rather than distanced by time and a break. Then again, that could easily have been because these scenes aren’t a key part of the story worth dedicating so much attention to. I can’t be sure. Will, like Jack’s father, seems like a good man and, despite my love of the corrupt, it’s actually quite a relief to read a story that has some good, noble characters. I’m guessing that Max is the villain? I’m also guessing that Jack and Will’s son will rise to oppose him for his crimes against them? The ending was deep and quite sad. The touch of a bird’s call was brilliant and the emphasis on the final word an excellent choice considering the event. Overall, a powerful chapter that did good to push forward the story.
10/18/2009 c6 13Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu
Herro there. :) Okay, basically I think this chapter will be leading on certain stuff that screams major shit is going to happen. The message was indeed uber cryptic and I'm looking forward to how this part will tie into the story. To be very frank though, I'd never imagine any semblance of intelligence system prior to reading this chapter albeit after thinking over it, I do think the whole thing's pretty possible and logical. If there's such a thing as intelligence network in high fantasy like what David Eddings had done in the Belgariad and Mallorean, then quite obviously this is also workable in a world inspired by Renaissance technology. ;) Anyway, interesting chapter here and I guess I should be off to Crytic Paths next. :)
13Tsumujikaze no SoujutsuHerro there. :) Okay, basically I think this chapter will be leading on certain stuff that screams major shit is going to happen. The message was indeed uber cryptic and I'm looking forward to how this part will tie into the story. To be very frank though, I'd never imagine any semblance of intelligence system prior to reading this chapter albeit after thinking over it, I do think the whole thing's pretty possible and logical. If there's such a thing as intelligence network in high fantasy like what David Eddings had done in the Belgariad and Mallorean, then quite obviously this is also workable in a world inspired by Renaissance technology. ;) Anyway, interesting chapter here and I guess I should be off to Crytic Paths next. :)
10/18/2009 c6 Icyfire4w5
Hi, Narq! Congrats! :)
I think that Marco is really clever because he has figured out that Four Six=Foxes=Cinah. I guess that the native bird will be playing an important role in future chapters, haha.
Hi, Narq! Congrats! :)
I think that Marco is really clever because he has figured out that Four Six=Foxes=Cinah. I guess that the native bird will be playing an important role in future chapters, haha.
10/17/2009 c2 Palm Tree
I think that at one point the gender (his/her) got confused ("Jack’s father glanced at her mother..."). There was a missing comma ("He wiped his brow and[,] looking at his wife...") and a typo ("... she was older than he originally though[thought]..."). The sentence ("Everyone started talking at once, asking questions; arguing pleasantly with one another.") shouldn’t have a semicolon since the sign doesn’t separate two complete thoughts, rather it should be a comma. Also, although you’re quite good at the formatting of quotes overall I did find one where the period should be a comma since the following action is verbal ("’Hello boys[,]’ Jack’s father greeted them pleasantly.").
I liked how this chapter switched perspectives. To be honest, I was a little confused at first but as soon as Jack’s father was referred to as “Capt’n” it all made sense and the connection with the first chapter was made. I thought it was well-done and it easily kept my interest. However, at this point I can’t help but wonder just what sort of plot is going to result from all this. I guess I’ll have to keep reading, eh? XD Not that I’d complain since this continues to prove to be well written and fun to read. Already I’m convinced that Jack’s father is a wonderful man and I admire him. His views on respect I agree with and the fact that he actually walks the walk as well as talks the talk just make him like a god to me. I’m also rather fond of the girl just because I feel bad for her and I’m personally a fan of those creepy-like children, be they sad and lonely and needing a hug or axe crazy. ^^’’ This chapter showed some obvious knowledge of the world’s workings (say the educated being the first to go) and expressed quite a few lines of truth that a reader can take away from the story and consider for the rest of their lives. Excellent work. :3
I think that at one point the gender (his/her) got confused ("Jack’s father glanced at her mother..."). There was a missing comma ("He wiped his brow and[,] looking at his wife...") and a typo ("... she was older than he originally though[thought]..."). The sentence ("Everyone started talking at once, asking questions; arguing pleasantly with one another.") shouldn’t have a semicolon since the sign doesn’t separate two complete thoughts, rather it should be a comma. Also, although you’re quite good at the formatting of quotes overall I did find one where the period should be a comma since the following action is verbal ("’Hello boys[,]’ Jack’s father greeted them pleasantly.").
I liked how this chapter switched perspectives. To be honest, I was a little confused at first but as soon as Jack’s father was referred to as “Capt’n” it all made sense and the connection with the first chapter was made. I thought it was well-done and it easily kept my interest. However, at this point I can’t help but wonder just what sort of plot is going to result from all this. I guess I’ll have to keep reading, eh? XD Not that I’d complain since this continues to prove to be well written and fun to read. Already I’m convinced that Jack’s father is a wonderful man and I admire him. His views on respect I agree with and the fact that he actually walks the walk as well as talks the talk just make him like a god to me. I’m also rather fond of the girl just because I feel bad for her and I’m personally a fan of those creepy-like children, be they sad and lonely and needing a hug or axe crazy. ^^’’ This chapter showed some obvious knowledge of the world’s workings (say the educated being the first to go) and expressed quite a few lines of truth that a reader can take away from the story and consider for the rest of their lives. Excellent work. :3
10/17/2009 c6 Brenda Agaro
Wow! A great chapter! Great character interaction and I thought the messages were clever. :D
The only thing is this:
{Darkness closing in on all hope. The air is stuffy. He fears the smoke will suffocate him even if the fire doesn’t get him. Fear… But no time to think what to do. He will not be burnt. The place is fireproof. Hands trembling so much he can’t even touch his own face.} I noticed that it switched to present tense. I'm wondering if that's intentional.
Wow! A great chapter! Great character interaction and I thought the messages were clever. :D
The only thing is this:
{Darkness closing in on all hope. The air is stuffy. He fears the smoke will suffocate him even if the fire doesn’t get him. Fear… But no time to think what to do. He will not be burnt. The place is fireproof. Hands trembling so much he can’t even touch his own face.} I noticed that it switched to present tense. I'm wondering if that's intentional.
10/17/2009 c1 Palm Tree
I found one typo ("... gobble him up without a second though[thought]?") and in the sentence ("From where he is, behind the dustbins and garden compost, he hears the palace-service-boy from a mile ago.") I wonder if “a mile ago” was supposed to be “a mile away.” However, aside from a few missing commas in dialogue, that’s all I noticed and, as a result, am quite impressed considering how more frequent errors are far more common on this site.
I really enjoyed the opening scene since it had me asking so many questions and really pulled me into the world of the boy. The entire chapter had some lovely description and, with a very show-not-tell style, it was all very easy to read and comprehend. There were numerous lines I adored but there was one that stuck out to me: ("Buildings held their breath."). I thought that it was just beautifully telling although it contained so few words. I like this world you’ve so skillfully built up and your characters are interesting. The princess seems nice, Black seems like a good brother if not an overall good guy, Rags seems like the right hand man to have, and Zeen seems like your typical goodhearted street rat. Although, without much character thought put behind the words, it’s difficult to select a favorite as it’s all only what they at this point seem. Still, I get the feeling that the following chapters will change that and I have to admit that I do indeed plan to read on. 8]
I found one typo ("... gobble him up without a second though[thought]?") and in the sentence ("From where he is, behind the dustbins and garden compost, he hears the palace-service-boy from a mile ago.") I wonder if “a mile ago” was supposed to be “a mile away.” However, aside from a few missing commas in dialogue, that’s all I noticed and, as a result, am quite impressed considering how more frequent errors are far more common on this site.
I really enjoyed the opening scene since it had me asking so many questions and really pulled me into the world of the boy. The entire chapter had some lovely description and, with a very show-not-tell style, it was all very easy to read and comprehend. There were numerous lines I adored but there was one that stuck out to me: ("Buildings held their breath."). I thought that it was just beautifully telling although it contained so few words. I like this world you’ve so skillfully built up and your characters are interesting. The princess seems nice, Black seems like a good brother if not an overall good guy, Rags seems like the right hand man to have, and Zeen seems like your typical goodhearted street rat. Although, without much character thought put behind the words, it’s difficult to select a favorite as it’s all only what they at this point seem. Still, I get the feeling that the following chapters will change that and I have to admit that I do indeed plan to read on. 8]
10/16/2009 c6 natmarie
Watch your tenses, you switch sometimes...started in past then the darkness closing in bit...gets some parts in present (fears, closing) Maybe it is supposed to be like that but I thought I'd mention it. You switch back to past afterwards. If the present tense part is a flashback maybe try putting it in italics or something to differentiate it. I'm amused by the notes, they look like text messages lol. Can't wait to see what happens next.
Watch your tenses, you switch sometimes...started in past then the darkness closing in bit...gets some parts in present (fears, closing) Maybe it is supposed to be like that but I thought I'd mention it. You switch back to past afterwards. If the present tense part is a flashback maybe try putting it in italics or something to differentiate it. I'm amused by the notes, they look like text messages lol. Can't wait to see what happens next.
10/13/2009 c5 30sophiesix
aw shucks XD, thanks.
I hope Sheruna gets out of this alive... but i'm glad Zared held off :) and its good to see whats been going on with the Cinah meanwhile :D
"You know how the Cinah has taken over." have taken over?
Run, Shezza!
PS is sheruna's anagram raunshe? ;)
30sophiesixaw shucks XD, thanks.
I hope Sheruna gets out of this alive... but i'm glad Zared held off :) and its good to see whats been going on with the Cinah meanwhile :D
"You know how the Cinah has taken over." have taken over?
Run, Shezza!
PS is sheruna's anagram raunshe? ;)
10/12/2009 c5 natmarie
Terrific job developing a character through another's eyes. Cleverly done and it shows some passage of time. I like Zared. She should take a darez...haha I tried for an anagram and failed miserably, I doubt there was even one there.
Got to love the whole marriage spiel. She needs to shake her dad. Boo being forbidden. You pull off the changing in POVs smoothly, and almost like how I would picture scenes of a movie, with a little more background info.
Great descriptions of emotions as well. I also like that their whole relationship didn't take up a full chunk or chapter but works its way in and is believable and apparent between the princess and her prince. Nice punch of action and cliffhanger too.
Terrific job developing a character through another's eyes. Cleverly done and it shows some passage of time. I like Zared. She should take a darez...haha I tried for an anagram and failed miserably, I doubt there was even one there.
Got to love the whole marriage spiel. She needs to shake her dad. Boo being forbidden. You pull off the changing in POVs smoothly, and almost like how I would picture scenes of a movie, with a little more background info.
Great descriptions of emotions as well. I also like that their whole relationship didn't take up a full chunk or chapter but works its way in and is believable and apparent between the princess and her prince. Nice punch of action and cliffhanger too.
10/12/2009 c5 13Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu
To be very frank, I'm not too sure on how this story will work in terms of character focus after seeing the summary and this chapter, so I guess I'll have to wait and see. Anyway, this is pretty much of a refreshing scene jump especially with the readers most likely still having their minds on Jack and Will. I truly wonder how Zared will fit into the story though in terms of extent and nature of importance. As for Sheruna, I'm not too sure on whether she will have a role to play in terms of the plot focus. But then again, she came across to me as some sort of immature character from what I've seen in the scene between her and Zared. I'm not unhappy over this though. It's just that I'm not too sure whether her character will take off from there. And despite my own dislike for the King's decision in her marriage, I do admit he's much more mature and realistic than his daughter on the whole. I blame the problem on the system more than anything. As for CCs, can't think up of anything to say.
13Tsumujikaze no SoujutsuTo be very frank, I'm not too sure on how this story will work in terms of character focus after seeing the summary and this chapter, so I guess I'll have to wait and see. Anyway, this is pretty much of a refreshing scene jump especially with the readers most likely still having their minds on Jack and Will. I truly wonder how Zared will fit into the story though in terms of extent and nature of importance. As for Sheruna, I'm not too sure on whether she will have a role to play in terms of the plot focus. But then again, she came across to me as some sort of immature character from what I've seen in the scene between her and Zared. I'm not unhappy over this though. It's just that I'm not too sure whether her character will take off from there. And despite my own dislike for the King's decision in her marriage, I do admit he's much more mature and realistic than his daughter on the whole. I blame the problem on the system more than anything. As for CCs, can't think up of anything to say.
10/10/2009 c5 5CuriousContradiction
Aww, Sheruna and Zared... sigh. Forbidden love. I like the Romeo-and-Juliet complex in this story, and I think you're definitely pulling it off and not making it too cliche.
I have to admit that in the beginning, the choppiness of the sentences was cool and added some stylistic flair, but after awhile, it became a little awkward and cut off the flow for too long.
And I like Zared because he's honorable and wants the king's approval first. :)
asjdfljsadlfjkadsjflsdjf
There's a sense of foreboding at the end. Cliffhanger!
I'm glad you decided to repost and update!
5CuriousContradictionAww, Sheruna and Zared... sigh. Forbidden love. I like the Romeo-and-Juliet complex in this story, and I think you're definitely pulling it off and not making it too cliche.
I have to admit that in the beginning, the choppiness of the sentences was cool and added some stylistic flair, but after awhile, it became a little awkward and cut off the flow for too long.
And I like Zared because he's honorable and wants the king's approval first. :)
asjdfljsadlfjkadsjflsdjf
There's a sense of foreboding at the end. Cliffhanger!
I'm glad you decided to repost and update!
10/10/2009 c5 Brenda Agaro
I like how Zared didn't go all the way with her. The drama didn't feel forced - it was to the point. A really good chapter. Well done with the character interaction.
-*-
Corrections/Feedback:
{Why would he not smile as he used to.} I believe there should be a question mark at the end.
{Sheruna’s blinked rapidly, expelling tears that threatened to come.} I think "eyes" should be after "Sheruna's."
I like how Zared didn't go all the way with her. The drama didn't feel forced - it was to the point. A really good chapter. Well done with the character interaction.
-*-
Corrections/Feedback:
{Why would he not smile as he used to.} I believe there should be a question mark at the end.
{Sheruna’s blinked rapidly, expelling tears that threatened to come.} I think "eyes" should be after "Sheruna's."