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for Children of Winata

10/7/2009 c4 30sophiesix
Ah, more Will. Yaay! Like the Mosro insert too, explains the tattoos nicely.

“Jack reeled back in horror.” I think just “Jack reeled back” works fine?

“His eyes rested instead on the blade of the dagger which he drew from lavishing from his belt.” From lavishing from?

"He refused to word his thoughts, that he had to cling onto his father and he could never let go of his past."

Should that first comma be a ; or : ?
10/7/2009 c3 sophiesix
Ah, one of my favouritest chapters. Has to be, it has Will in it ;) love the bit where Jack is hiding and and love love love the ending ! :D
10/7/2009 c2 sophiesix
lol, yes you are very good at giving constructive criticism ;)

This is flowing along nicely, the calm before the storm, ut I like how you don't idealise it, ther are still housefires and slums and people ostracising scarred folk. I notice Wise One calls Jack's father Capt’n, here, not Captain?
10/7/2009 c1 sophiesix
Looking good! Good to revisit Black before his future, if that makes sense, reminds me how human he is. One question though - the peacekeeper turns him over and can tell that he is Cinah from the face - so do they look different, or was he actually looking at the tattoo, or don't they tattoo their assassins, or maybe they tattoo them on the neck or something?
10/7/2009 c4 13Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu
Okay. I believe I can spot the improvements of this chapter compared to that of the previous version. For starters, you did a good job in portraying snippets of Max's humanity. That was a good start from you here. As for Will, I think you did say that he's not meant to be a vital character. But I truly hope you can change your mind. You've done so much on his character for starters, so it will be a pity if you just chuck him aside. Of course you might bring up the Geron argument here, but frankly speaking, I never did anything on his character apart from the pointless crap talking, so this point of rebuttal isn't valid lol! XD To be honest though, Will can actually be a great character here given what I've seen here. In fact, I do think he's got the highest potential to be explored and developed as a character, so don't pass this chance up. ;) Also, I'm not too familiar with the way China do things, so I won't have any comment on the way Cinah is ruled especially for the extermination order Max actually received. But then again, communist states are pretty much a dictator's playground. Just look at North Korea and you'll know. But frankly speaking, the killing order seems much more like something coming from the World War II Japan or Germany more than anything else. Anyway, I guess the girl will be a vital character in this story. That plus I'll be interested to see what will happen next. :)
10/6/2009 c4 Brenda Agaro
So much emotion in this chapter, especially during the part between Will and Jack (or that could just be me XD ). Good description and sentence structure.



{It’s sooty, fireproof walls had withstood the fury of the element.} Its.

{There were tattoos on both the backs of the boy’s hands but Jack didn’t try to make out what they were.} A comma after "hands."

{Except you, Jack. It was his father’s voice again.} I think "Except you, Jack" could be in italics.

{“Where is the boy!” shouted Max, eyes wide with fury.} I think there should be a question mark after "boy."

{From the hilltop he stood, he thought he could see glimpses of land – his first home: Cinah.} I think there could be a semi-colon after "stood."

{It was almost ironic, Jack thought, as he worked side by side with a boy from completely different background.} "a" before "completely."
10/6/2009 c4 natmarie
Again, totally jealous of your phrases, the are simple but complex in what they say and the messages they convey, if that makes any sense. No unecessary words, every word choice counts.

I know this is a lot about the characters and they are developing really well but I'd love to get a taste of some dialogue. It gives us a whole new facet to Jack and Will and all of them. You do a good deal at the end, so maybe balance it out a bit? I like how Jack's dad's voice pops up in his head. Very realistic.

The numbers bit intrigues me. At first I thought htis was like merry old England but now I see it is another time and place. Such a brave idea. I applaud you for it. I can't wait to hear more about this lurking girl.

Oh the suspense :)
10/5/2009 c3 natmarie
Now I feel slow. I saw no anagrams haha. Ooh I finally figured out the time period. Sorry I'm kind of slow. I do really like seeing the bits of overlapping in the story and again, love to see how it all works together. The different points of view are well done. Strong dialogue and effective discription. Inventive and fun names. Look forward to more and seeing how it develops.
10/5/2009 c2 natmarie
A whole new set of characters, with their own plot that merges with the first but almost seems like it is in another time for me. But I could totally be off. Look forward to seeing how the plots collide.
10/5/2009 c1 natmarie
You have nice flowy prose, almost poetic. You never over describe things and seem to have a very neat phrases that don't over describe or leave the reader confused or needing more. I hope that makes sense, it's hard for me to put into words...but I like your style.

I get an Aladdin vibe...with a twist I like it. And more modernesque? You effectively use dialogue and keep the plot moving along. All good things.
10/5/2009 c3 Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu
Okay, first things first, I've never thought much about the playing of the words in terms of Taiwan and China beforehand. So yeah, shoot me for being stupid. Anyway, not much of a change from the previous version from what I've seen here albeit I know you've done a rewrite on this chapter for the previous version and I've delayed too long to reread it before you took it down. :S Anyway, on Max's humanity, I think I've said it before in the original write and I truly hope you've remembered it up till now. So yes, I'm keeping mum here unless you've forgotten what I've said. In which this case you're free to ask me on this issue via PM. :)

The part on the Jack's father did remind me of China's political bs policy on religion for some weird reason though. Guess I'm thinking too much here. Although I'm not too sure how much you intended this story to be a what-if adaption of Taiwan vs China partially due to the possible geographic and naming factors, but I do think that Max's character resembles that of a Japanese general during World War II more than anything. At least I don't remember any bloodthirsty chapters in China history post WWII apart from the two major bs known as the Cultural Revolution and the Tiananmen crap. But even then, that's no match for what the Japanese had done during the war. :S

On an off topic note here, I've found out that people in China are pretty much as stupid like the Japanese in terms of nationalism. The Japanese were more or less brainwashed all the while by the conservative political powers, but the commies in China are even worse. It's like when it comes to patriotism, every Chinese people became a mass of single celled organism. I've seen what has gone on in China vs Japan football matches all the while plus the reactions whenever natural disaters hit Japan. On a more recent case, there's this WWII movie on the Nanjing killings where the commies became a bunch of retards because they couldn't accept the posible humanity within the Japanese soldiers during that time wher in fact the director actually made the movie that way. I don't have anything against China or it's people to be honest. But I just can't stand the way China is being gripped by excessive nationalism all the while just like Japan. But I'll have to say Chen Shui Bian is a bs president for Taiwan in his latter years as the president though.

Okay, I think I've gone too far in the off topic ranting. Anyway, I think there won't be pretty much change in the next chapter. But I do want to see what will happen beyond that point since the chapters after that is something you didn't put up in the previous version. :)
10/3/2009 c3 Brenda Agaro
Good character interaction between Will and Gleo. I like how you conveyed emotions. The sentence structure was very well done, especially during the part with Jack. I felt the urgency and fear, so great job with that.

I'm just wondering. Since this is an alternate version of China and Taiwan, does this take place in the past or sometime in the present? From what I've read so far, it feels like historical because of the allegory (or am I wrong?).

And you're welcome. :-)



{Studying the man, he recognised him as Will – his auburn hair, blue eyes and thick build reminded the leader of his childhood friend.} I believe there should be a comma after "blue eyes."

{The sky was a dirty grey. Sombre clouds hung low.} It feels like these two could be combined [ex: The sky was a dirty grey with sombre clouds hanging low.] - or something like that. If you want to leave it as it is, then it's fine. Good personification of the sky crying.

{Oh why did he say so much?} A comma after "Oh."

{The man’s cold black eyes glittered with annoyance.} It could just be me, but having "glittered" and "annoyance" together made it awkward. Maybe replace "glittered" with something like "shone"?
10/3/2009 c3 40Jareth the Monk
I thought for a long time this was more or less set in a modern time, but with the invading army on horseback it feels more like a mid-nineteenth century period, before the advent of tamks and such. If Will's son is only ten years old, how young do they start in the military? I have a theory/ suggestion, if the invading country of Cinah is based on China, why not take the socialist ideal to its logical conclusion, and make all citizens be branded with some sort of symbol in their forehead to show that they are property of the state. Individuality would be non-existent. Also, there would be no marriage (symbol of the family unit superseding the importance of the governmental unit), there would only be temporary unions for the mere purpose of breding, also meaning that there would be no families. Children would be raised by the state after a certain time, trained in either the military, agriculture, or some useful trade. Taken to an extreme, there would be no more names, just government-issued serial numbers like prison. Oh well, I'm thinking too much. Be checking back every few days for chapter four.
10/2/2009 c1 Brenda Agaro
I'm seriously hooked into this story so far. It's very well written. Captivating imagery and clever characterization as well. I definitely look forward to the next chapter when you're able to.

The only thing is showing. There was a bit of telling with the info in chapter one about the peacekeepers. It's fine if you want to leave it like that, but doing it little by little through dialogue/description could be good.


Chapter 1:

{Doesn’t he know there are creatures out here that are hungry enough to gobble him up without a second though?} thought.

{Pain throbbed throughout his body where the gravel skidded cross his skin.} I think "cross" should be "across" (or is it intentional?).

{“Let’s guess what the boys have got us eh?”} A comma after "us."

Chapter 2:

{“I heard that the foxes, Cinah invaded.”} I think there should be a comma after "Cinah."

{Normally he would slip straight in with his friends but today he wanted to turn away and pretend he didn’t know them.} A comma after "friends."

{They chattered about nothing in particular and Jack stared down at his feet drawing patterns in the dirt.} A comma after "feet."

{He wasn’t able to recall his father meeting this man before but he shrugged the thought away, too bored to care.} A comma after "before."
9/30/2009 c2 9Alteng
I was at Bill's house when he discovered the anagrams with the Winata and Cinah, so I can't take credit for that.

A criticism I can make is about the reference to Jack's father. After you refer to the man as Jack's father the first time, I think you can get away with calling him just plain Father.

The girl I find an interesting piece, but I don't think of a romance that might happen between her and Jack, but I could be wrong. She seems to have a special purpose in the story.

I liked the title of 'Children of Winata' better than "Lovers". I think that Lovers might imply something else to my mind. Children kind of implies a loyalty to Winata.

Anyway, it is a good chapter. And, I have to get to reading both Mr. Ragna Badguy and Velvety Cheerio's stuff too.
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